Chapter 2
My body aches after the back-to-back rodeos I did the last two nights. With every year that passes, competing only gets harder on my body. Bull riding isn’t exactly a breeze, but I feel it much more the morning after now than I did in my early twenties. It doesn’t help that we all stayed up way too fucking late and drank way too much last night, celebrating how well everyone did. Riding the high of consecutive wins will always bring out the rowdy in a group of cowboys.
After I popped a couple of ibuprofens for my throbbing head and sore back, and downed a bottle of water, I packed all my shit up and hit the road this morning. We all get to head home for the week, since our next few competitions are there. It’s the beginning of July now, and I haven’t been home since the middle of May. To say I’m excited to be home, to sleep in my own bed, and see my daughter would be an understatement.
Not having Jade and Suzy on the road with me this season has been weird. On the one hand, it’s been nice to not have to deal with the bickering and the fighting that always seems to come with being in such close quarters with Jade, but on the other, not seeing Suzy in person has fucking sucked. I’ve video chatted with her most days, but that’s not the same. Having her come on the road with me has always been fun. Sure, when she was a baby, it was a little challenging, but the older she gets and the more excited she is at getting to watch me compete is something I look forward to. I always knew her coming with me on the road wouldn’t last forever, though. Next year, she’ll be starting kindergarten, so it wouldn’t be feasible after that anyway.
Driving down the gravel road that leads to my house, my eyes land on a black Hyundai parked in front of my garage. Grady’s car. Annoyance flairs in my chest as I park beside it and climb out. I’ve got nothing against Jade’s younger brother. In fact, I’d even consider him somewhat of a friend, but she offered up our house to him without even talking to me about it. Then I had to hear the news from Suzy when it should’ve come from Jade. With the state of our relationship right now, the last thing I want to do is put on a fake happy face in front of her family for the sake of keeping our shit a secret. I’m only home for a week and all I really want to do is relax for the limited down time I have.
The front door to the house swings open before I even make it up the last step, and tiny bare feet slap against the porch as Suzy runs over to me. “Daddy!” Her little body collides with mine, arms wrapping around my legs. “You’re home!”
I bend down, swoop her up, and then walk us inside, shoving the door shut behind me with the heel of my boot. “Missed you, sweet girl.”
“Missed you too,” she murmurs back.
“Where’s your mom?”
“She’s out back with Uncle Grady.”
We move through the house and out the backdoor, where I find Jade and Grady sitting on the edge of the pool with their feet in the water and Mabel playing out in the yard. Jade glances over her shoulder as she hears us approach. Dark sunglasses shield her eyes, but she gives me a forced smile.
“Welcome home,” she offers, standing up and brushing off her backside with her hands.
Adjusting Suzy so she’s situated on my hip, I say, “Thanks.” Then I turn my attention to Grady, who’s now also standing. “Hey, Grady.”
He offers me a smile that looks less forced than his sister’s. “Hey, man. Bet you’re happy to be home.”
“You have no idea,” I mutter. And then, on second thought, add, “Well, you might, considering college and all that.”
Grady chuckles. “Yeah, kind of.”
“A little birdy told me you’re working Stampede Days this week.”
His smile beams. “Sure am! I actually wanted to see if you were okay riding together in the morning, since we’re both going to the same place?”
Of course, he was.
“That’s fine,” I reply. “But are you staying there the entire day?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “The first few days, I’m only working the afternoon shift, but I can catch a ride home with Hannah. Then, later on this week, I’ll be working the evenings and will get to photograph the rodeo.”
“Okay, that’s fine. I’ll probably leave here around ten, so just be ready.”
“Cool. Thanks, Boone.” He’s so genuine and kind. It makes me feel like shit for being so annoyed that he’s staying here. “I’m gonna head inside and give you guys some time to yourself.”
He does just that, and suddenly, I’m out here with just my wife while Suzy plays in the yard with the dog, and the air surrounding us is suddenly tense, but not in a good way. Things with Jade and me have been…rocky for a while now. When we first started dating, she loved that I was a bull rider. Fully supported my dream to go pro. But as time went on, and as the reality of what that actually meant for her—and for our family—sank in, her enthusiasm has consistently dwindled. She hates the traveling, what it does to my body, the recognition that comes with it. Most understandable, she doesn’t like how dangerous it is. The latter didn’t really show itself until our daughter was born, which makes sense.
“How’s your season been?” she asks.
We’ve both moved to sit at the patio table so we can keep an eye on Suzy and Mabel. She’s throwing Mabel’s rope toy, which the dog more than happily runs to fetch and bring back to her. Suzy’s in a flowy, white sundress that goes down to her ankles, her feet bare and covered in dirt like a true country kid, and her sun-kissed blonde hair is tied up into a bun on the very top of her head. Smile bright, she giggles every single time Mabel goes for the rope.
I swear it looks like she grew up by years since I left just a few months ago. They always say how fast it goes, but you never really understand it until you’re living it.
“It’s been a great season,” I say in response to Jade’s question. And it has been an incredible one. My stats are impressive in my very humble opinion, and I think it’s only going to get better as the season goes on. A part of me feels like it should hurt, Jade having to ask me that instead of already knowing, like she would’ve had things been different. But over time, as I’ve accepted what we’ve become, the sting has dissipated almost completely.
“Daddy, did you see how far I threw that?” Suzy yells from about twenty feet away, her hand shielding her eyes from the sun.
“I did, baby,” I reply, my voice taking on a softer tone, like it often does with her. “You threw it so far. Good job!”
She beams, eyes squinted from smiling so big. It’s contagious. There’s no way I can look at her cheerful face and not feel happiness warm me from the inside out. Being a parent is the weirdest, most challenging thing I’ve ever done, while also being the simplest. That is such a contradiction, and it’s one that wouldn’t make any sense unless you’re a parent. Loving her unconditionally is so easy. Easier than the breath I inhale and exhale out of my lungs. Being there for her and doing everything I can to ensure she’s safe and happy is easy, it’s something I don’t even have to think about. I’d move heaven and earth for her without even thinking twice.
But putting on a happy face when I’m feeling anything but, and wondering if I’m doing the right thing for her…that’s the difficult part.
“I talked to the lawyer,” Jade murmurs low, so only I can hear.
A pang in my chest has me swallowing roughly. “What’d she say?”
“The state of Wyoming has a twenty-day waiting period once we file for divorce before it can be finalized. So, it would make the most sense to wait until you’re home for the season.”
This is a conversation I knew was coming, but it’s one I’ve been dreading. Jade and I decided to separate at the end of the last rodeo season. It had been a long time coming, and it felt like it should’ve been a harder decision, but it wasn’t. We both knew it was time. We couldn’t continue going on like this, so we gave ourselves a year. Told each other we’d wait to make any permanent moves until the end of next rodeo season—this one I’m currently in. Mostly for the sake of Suzy. We didn’t want to uproot her entire life until we were both sure this was over. Until we were sure there was no saving this.
But, we’re sure.
Not even halfway through the season, and I think we’re both more sure about this than anything. Even with the dark cloud of the divorce process hovering over my head, I still feel lighter than I have in years, and even though it’s hard talking about it, I know Jade feels the same. This was the life she signed up for, but when she signed up, she had no idea what any of it meant. Being married to a bull rider isn’t a conventional life by any means, and I can recognize and respect how hard it’s been for her. It’s not only me I have to worry about. It’s not only me affected by the outcome each night when I climb onto an angry, thousand-pound beast.
I think Jade loved the idea of being with a bull rider more than she loves the reality of it. And I can see the appeal. She was young—we both were—and she was looking to do anything that went against the perfect vision of a future her parents had for her. Mr. and Mrs. Wilde aren’t the easiest people to get along with. They come from old money, and they walk around with their noses up in the air. They expect a lot from their children—always have—and marrying a rowdy bull rider certainly wasn’t in their plans for their daughter.
They’ve always treated Jade and Grady like things to control. Objects to mold how they see fit. You treat kids like that, especially growing adolescents, and they’re going to rebel. I think when we got together, she saw the life I wanted, and she knew it was a way to piss her folks off. To stick it to them. I’m not saying that’s the only reason she married me, because I know she loves me but, as often happens with young love, once the excitement and frenzy of lust died down some, and after we became parents, we both realized we weren’t as compatible as we had originally thought. We aren’t who the other necessarily wants to do all the mundane, everyday stuff with, and I think that’s important when it comes to someone you plan to spend your life with.
For the first time since sitting down, I look over at Jade. My wife and the mother of my child. “And this is what you want?”
I’m not asking it because I’m having second thoughts. I’m asking because I need to be sure we’re on the same page. Although, I’m not sure why, because even if she were to say no, I don’t think I could stay. It used to be, I wanted to stay and make it work for Suzy. Wanted to be able to give her a home that wasn’t “broken,” which, by the way, is such a dated and toxic term. But being able to give her two happy homes is better than one miserable home where she has to put up with her parents fighting—or worse, deal with the tension that comes from obvious friction.
“I think it’s our only option, don’t you think?” she asks, her face unreadable beneath her sunglasses.
Suzy is the spitting image of Jade in so many ways. Her bouncy blonde curls. Her cute, narrow button nose. Her eyes, while they’re the same color as mine, the shape is all Jade. So much of her is in our daughter, and more than once, I’ve sat with myself and been riddled with guilt that I don’t want to make this work anymore. She gave me the most important person in my life. But I’ve come to realize that those two aren’t mutually exclusive. I can love Jade for what she’s given me, and I can be thankful and cherish the good times we’ve experienced while not wanting to spend my life with her. It doesn’t make the love we shared any less real, and it doesn’t make my love for Suzy any less meaningful.
I can love Jade without being in love with her.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Do you feel sad?” she asks, taking me by surprise. The one thing we haven’t talked about regarding this mess is our feelings. We’ve talked about the logistics of it. We’ve talked about the finances. The future. How it’ll all work with Suzy and with the house. But never our feelings.
My throat is dry as I nod. “A little,” I reply honestly.
Jade swipes her hand across her cheek, gathering a tear that fell just below the sunglasses. “Me too.”
I sit with her response for a moment, soaking it in and allowing myself to feel. Glancing over at her, I ask, “We’re still going with our original plan? With the house?”
When we first started discussing the possibility of a separation, and an eventual divorce, the topic of our house obviously came up, along with all of our other assets. At first, we went back and forth about whether one of us would take over the mortgage, stay in the house, while the other moved out. That option didn’t sit right with either of us, though. We bought it together, and continuing to live here without the other felt wrong.
In the end, we decided it would make the most sense to sell it and split the profits.
Jade nods. “Yeah, I think so.” She turns her head toward me. “We’ve made it this long living under one roof, what’s another year?”
Laughter slips past my lips. “You’re not wrong.”
Before we sell, there are a few things we want to update or repair around the house to improve the selling price. One of the biggest is a new fence around the property, which is something both of us want to be a part of. Because of my schedule with the rodeo, I won’t get home until mid-September. Then we have to research and find a company to do it, and with winter coming and how cold it gets, it made the most sense to wait until the spring to have the fence installed once we find somebody. With the timing of it all, I’ll be back on the road, so we’ll wait until I’m home next fall before we list the house on the market.
It’s not ideal, but like Jade said, we’ve made it work thus far. What’s a little longer? Despite our impending divorce, we still get along well, and I’m gone a lot of the time anyway because of the rodeo.
Jade blows out a breath, sitting up straighter. “Well, then it’s settled.” There’s a hint of sadness in her tone, and it’s a feeling I share. It’s a bittersweet moment.
Chest cracked open, emotions flood my system. I’m overwhelmed by the juxtaposition of feeling both relieved and heavy-hearted about the end of our marriage. But because a parent’s job is never over, we put those feelings back into the little boxes we hide inside ourselves as Suzy and Mabel wander over to us. We get up and go about our day, never letting her see what’s going on behind the scenes. It’s something she’s going to need to know about soon…but not now. Not when I’m only home for a few days.
For this week, we’ll be a happy family for her sake, because soon her little world is going to turn upside down, and I hate that for her. Above all, I wish I could preserve her innocence for as long as possible. Let her believe everything is perfect.
I can only hope we’re doing what’s best for her, and for us, in the long run.