Chapter 22
We’ve been on the road for a few weeks now, and it’s going well. I’m a little surprised. With how tense things were before leaving Copper Lake, I assumed things would be uncomfortable, but they haven’t. It’s been fun traveling with the whole gang, and getting to watch the rodeos every night while working has been insane in the very best way. It feels like I’m a part of something special, and it’s fulfilling. Much more fulfilling than college ever was.
Our first stop was in Bellfire, Colorado, and it was a two-night rodeo event. I got some amazing shots of all the cowboys and cowgirls; a couple that Hannah uploaded to social media right away, and they went viral. That’s a great feeling. Seeing my work on the internet, and having fans go crazy over it. I sent a few of the shots I got of the animals to my sister so she could show Suzy, and she called me, practically squealing with excitement. Then last week, we were in Sugar Creek, Colorado, for a three-day event. That was fun, and there was a huge turnout. The crowd was wild there. Everyone competed really well, but Boone knocked it out of the park all three nights. Getting to watch him compete is an experience all on its own. The natural talent he possesses blows me away. It’s like he was born to ride.
We just got to Elder Village, Colorado, where we’ll apparently be staying for the next four nights. There’s a rodeo tonight in a couple of hours, so I have to head over to the arena soon. Xander met us here, and he’s going to be traveling with Cope to the next few stops. I’m excited to have a familiar face who isn’t a part of the circuit to hang out with. The guys have been busy with their pre-ride rituals for the last several hours—something I’ve learned all about recently. Like how Sterling meditates and does yoga before he goes out into the arena. Some of the guys blast hype music and get pumped up, or they have to shower and get dressed in a specific way. Cowboys are a superstitious bunch. To pass the time, Xander and I decided to go take a dip in the lake.
It”s been warm as hell the last few days, so the water felt nice. I’m heading back to the camper now to get changed and grab my equipment before we head over to the arena. Sleeping so close to Boone hasn’t been as weird as I thought it would be. Granted, we never really put ourselves in situations of being alone very often. I’m usually asleep—or at the very least, almost asleep—by the time he comes into the camper and climbs into his bed. We’re getting along fine, and things haven’t been awkward or tense since our talk, but I do think it helps that we’re always surrounded by the others, especially if we’re drinking. Of course, we’re alone in the truck when we’re traveling to each new city, but that’s different.
As much as it pained me to tell him that kiss meant nothing, I do think it went a long way to clear the air. It needed to be said, even if it was a bold-faced lie. Because the truth is, that kiss meant everything to me. It’s still all I ever think about when I’m alone. I think about it a lot when I’m in the shower, as a matter of fact. But I meant what I said to Boone that day… This is a huge opportunity for me, and I don’t want to screw it up by letting my dumb feelings get in the way.
How he acted immediately after the kiss was over told me everything I needed to know about where he stood, and even if he’s clearly not as straight as I originally thought he was, I’m not the person he’s about to explore that new revelation with, and that’s okay. It sucks, and I wish it were different, but it can’t be. I couldn’t do that to my sister. She’s fought so hard to get me to this place where I’m doing something I love. She’s been nothing but supportive since I told her I was dropping out of college. I can’t be the asshole younger brother who shits all over her kindness. Even if they aren’t together anymore, she’d never forgive me.
This is for the best, and I think as soon as I realized and accepted that, things became easier between us. I can hang around him without dwelling over my feelings for him. Sure, I replay that night over and over again, but I can control myself.
Pulling open the door to the camper, I step inside. It’s cool in here from the air conditioner unit Boone had put in here. I’m thankful for it, otherwise it would be miserable. There’s nothing worse than being too hot when you’re trying to sleep. I grab a quick change of clothes, stuffing them into my backpack, before doing the same with my equipment. I’ll get changed in the bathrooms really quick before walking over to the arena. Just as I’m about to head out, the door to the camper pulls open, and in walks Boone…in nothing more than a fucking towel around his waist and shower sandals on his feet.
Against my will, my gaze drags down his nearly naked body before common sense cuts in and I lift my eyes to meet his. My cheeks heat immediately, and Boone looks like a deer caught in headlights.
“Shit, sorry,” he mumbles, standing frozen in place. “I’d forgotten my clothes on my bed when I went to take a shower.” He points behind me toward the bed as if to prove his statement.
There’re water droplets dripping from his dark hair, and his broad, toned, fuzzy chest is also wet. The towel around his waist leaves little to the imagination. He looks like a fucking Greek god standing before me. I can’t look away. My mouth is dry, and my heart is beating so fast it’s hard to breathe. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need to leave, get as far away from him as I can, but he’s blocking the exit.
Unsure what to do, I lift my backpack up and say, “I was just grabbing my stuff.”
He nods once, but says nothing. His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat as he swallows, and like the masochist I am, my eyes drop and track the movement. I want to drag the flat of my tongue along his throat before sinking down and doing the same to his chest, gathering all the moisture, and tasting him. The fresh, clean scent of whatever body wash he uses reaches me, and it’s making me dizzy. He smells good, and he looks sinful. It’s a dangerous combination for my senses. I need to get out of here, or all my previous thoughts about things going well and not being awkward will become null and void. If I stay in here for one second longer, there’s no telling what I might do.
My gaze dips lower when movement catches my attention. The hand holding the towel around his waist flexes as he tightens his grip, and all I can think of is that same hand letting go, and watching the material fall to the floor. I imagine him standing there completely naked in front of me, and then I imagine him taking his big, thick cock in a tight fist the way he did that one time in his bedroom. The blood roars in my ears, and by the time my gaze makes it back up to his face again, it feels like I’ve been standing here for hours, when in reality it’s only been about a minute or so.
I swallow thickly, taking a step in his direction before I finally speak up. “I’m gonna squeeze by you. I gotta get changed and head to the arena.”
Boone nods again, seeming to come to his senses too. “Yeah, uh…” He turns to the side, letting me through. “Me too.”
I make the mistake of meeting his gaze as I move past him. His eyes dip to my mouth before coming back up. It’s something I don’t think he even realizes he did, but I caught it. He’s so close, and so naked, I could move even an inch forward, and my body would be touching his. It’s bad…so bad. This can’t be happening. Clearing my throat, I avert my gaze, leaving the camper before anything can happen. Before I can give in to the desire for everything to happen. My chest is heaving, and my pulse has skyrocketed by the time I get to the bathrooms.
Fuck.
As soon as I’m finished changing, I pull my phone out and notice I have a new text waiting for me.
Xander: Hey, let me know when you’re heading to the arena. I’ll walk over with you.
Me: I’m heading over now. Meet you in front of the water fountain?
Xander: Sounds good.
Blowing out a breath, I shove my dirty clothes back into my backpack. I’m not even going to attempt to drop them back off at the camper on my way out. Just my luck, he’d still be standing there, and who knows what would happen if that were the case. It’s better to avoid it like the plague until I have no choice but to go to sleep later tonight. It’s safer that way.
Xander’s waiting for me as I approach the fountain. “Hey, man,” he mutters.
Offering him a smile I know doesn’t reach my eyes, I say, “Hey.”
The walk from the campsite to the arena is only about a mile. We fall into line, walking side by side, all while my mind is still reeling over what just happened in the camper. There was definitely an energy in there between us, and I know it wasn’t just one sided. I saw the way he looked at me. I could feel the electricity.
“Are you okay?” Xander asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Yeah,” I lie as I try to calm my nerves.
“No, you’re not,” he counters with a furrowed brow. “What’s wrong?”
Glancing over at Xander, I consider telling him. I know I can trust him, and he’s a level-headed guy. Maybe he’d have some advice for me. Or maybe he’ll tell me what a sick pervert I am. Either way, I think getting it off my chest will help. I haven’t told anybody, and it’s killing me.
Heaving a sigh, I mutter, “Okay, but if I tell you, you need to promise me you won’t say anything to anyone.”
Face dead serious, he nods. “I promise.”
Stomach in knots, I chew the inside of my cheek before saying, “Something happened that night we did karaoke, and it’s been fucking with my head ever since.”
“What is it?” he asks softly.
“Boone and I kissed,” I say barely above a whisper. Nobody is around us, but I still worry that somehow, someone will hear us, and I can’t risk it. Turning my head, my gaze connects with his, and the shock is evident in his expression.
He’s quiet for a moment as we keep walking. It feels like I’m about to puke. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. What if it gets back to Boone? Or worse, to Jade?
Finally, he murmurs, “That explains why you were acting so off at the end of the night.”
“I didn’t think anybody noticed.” I huff out a small chuckle.
“To be fair, I don’t think anybody would’ve noticed except for me.”
I nod, hoping he’s correct.
“When did it happen?”
“Right after we finished doing that song with Colt.”
“Damn,” he murmurs. We’ve stopped walking, and he’s now facing me. “Was that the first time that happened?”
“And the only.”
Xander nods, not an ounce of judgement on his face. “How are you feeling about it?”
“Confused as all fucking hell.” I huff out a laugh. “There have been a few moments leading up to it where I thought maybe something was there, but I brushed it off because he’s my sister’s ex-husband. And then after it happened, we didn’t really talk about it again until we hit the road for the circuit, but even then, we both agreed it meant nothing and it wouldn’t happen again.”
“Did it mean nothing?” he asks. “To you, I mean.”
I shake my head, but don’t bother saying it out loud. It’ll just sound pathetic.
“Does Jade know?”
“Absolutely not.”
“That’s so tough,” he replies, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Do you think it really meant nothing to him?”
“I honestly don’t know,” I blurt out, the frustration growing inside of me. “He freaked out as soon as the kiss was over, and then he did a professional job of avoiding the topic altogether for quite a while. But the way he looks at me sometimes…” Like earlier. “I don’t know, Xander. I don’t fucking know anything if I’m being honest.”
When he doesn’t respond right away, I turn my head and glance over at him. He looks at me, chewing on the inside of his cheek.
“What? Just say it. I know I’m a horrible person.”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what?”
“It’s something Cope and I were just talking about last week.”
My eyebrows scrunch together. “You were talking to Cope about me and Boone?”
“Well, Boone, but yeah. Cope asked me if I noticed how frequently Boone looks at you.”
“What do you mean?” I swear my stomach flips.
“I hadn’t noticed it at the time, but since he brought it up, I definitely have. When we’re all sitting around the fire at night, it’s especially noticeable.” My chest squeezes as I listen to him. “He just… I don’t know how to explain it. He watches you, but not in a creepy way or anything. It’s like he’s admiring you. Like he can’t go more than a few minutes without checking on you.”
“He doesn’t do that,” I scoff, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling at the thought.
“He definitely does,” Xander pushes. “You may not see it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Do you notice how whenever the buzzer goes off at the rodeo, and he jumps off the bull, you’re the first person he looks at?” I’m shaking my head before he can finish.
“Xander, that’s ridiculous. No, he does not. I would notice that; I’m the photographer, remember?”
“You’re always looking down at your camera as he jumps off, like you’re making sure you got the final shot, so it would make sense that you never noticed.”
My heart’s beating so powerfully now, I can feel it in my throat. There’s no way any of that can be true. Boone watches me? No. No fucking way.
“Now, I’m not saying the guy’s in love with you or anything, but the way he looks at you isn’t nothing.”
“That’s impossible, Xander.”
“Why?” he asks as his eyes search mine. “Why would that be so impossible?”
“Because… Because I’m me and he’s Boone Stanton. That’s just not how the world works.”
“Oh, bullshit.” Xander elbows me in the side. “Look at me and Cope; we’re polar opposites on so many levels. He’s a cowboy through and through, and I come from the city. I’d never stepped foot on a farm before coming to Copper Lake and he was raised on one. He was never interested in men before me and I’m gay. By your logic, we never should’ve happened, but I’ve never felt more at ease, more happy, than when I’m with him.”
“Okay, fine, but what about the fact that he’s my sister’s ex-husband? I’m a horrible brother for feeling this way toward him at all.”
“It does make things trickier,” he agrees, and I can tell he’s holding back a wince. “I’m not saying it’s a perfect situation, but it rarely ever is. I was dating someone when I met Cope, and my feelings for him confused the hell out of me. There was a lot of guilt over it all at the time. Maybe there really isn’t anything there. Maybe it was only a kiss, and nothing more. Maybe Jade never has to find out, and things will go on as normal. Or maybe it’s more than just a kiss. Maybe there’s something there worth exploring. It won’t be easy, and it might get messy, but you shouldn’t let the worry of ‘what if’ drag you down before you even know anything. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since meeting Cope, it’s that things are rarely black and white. And if something feels right, or you can’t get something off your mind, you owe it to yourself to at the very least explore it. Like I said, it could be nothing, but it could also be something.”
We get to the arena, and I now have a thousand other thoughts running through my head than before. “Thanks, Xander.”
“I don’t think I really helped, but I’m always here if you need to vent or anything.”
The night goes by in a blur. Before the rodeo begins, I give myself a pep talk and, somehow, I’m able to get myself into the zone. I do my job all evening without too much thought about what Xander and I talked about. I don’t know how I do it, but I do. Although, two things become abundantly clear by the end of the event. One, Boone’s off his game tonight. He rides like shit, making me think that maybe our encounter in the camper affected him as much as it did me. And two, when the buzzer sounded, and he jumped off the bull, I paid attention to him unlike most nights, and just as Xander said, his eyes find me immediately like he instinctively knew where I was the whole time.
Holy shit.