Chapter Fourteen #2
She almost demurred, but she could see he had a lot on his mind. At least, that was what she hoped was behind his terse, distracted tone.
She couldn’t escape the thought that Axel didn’t need to be married to her anymore. He had only proposed to get Vorstoben, and now he had it. Did he even want to be married to her anymore?
The next few days passed in a blur. LaShonda said she would review the prenup contract and get back to her. Joy then missed an afternoon dance rehearsal to attend Otto’s service.
She wasn’t sure if it was the somber nature of the afternoon or all that was going on, but she felt very removed from Axel even when she stood beside him. They had barely seen each other since being away. They shared the bed for a few hours every night, but they hadn’t made love.
At the service, most of the people were from Vorstoben. Joy didn’t know any of them, but she smiled when she caught up with Heskel’s husband, Klaus. They’d only met a few times, and she was a little surprised he was here, considering he’d been treated so badly by Otto when he had his accident.
Klaus grinned wryly, saying, “Technically, I’ve been rehired by Vorstoben. Axel is keeping AxSev as an ancillary division. I’ll be the head engineer there. You didn’t know?”
It was another example of how estranged they’d become in a few short days.
“He’s been so busy, we’ve barely spoken,” she murmured, then saw Axel was looking for her. “Excuse me.” She hurried over to him.
“You two haven’t met. Mira, Joy.” Axel introduced her to the tall brunette.
Mira wore a black dress that flattered her slender frame. She spoke through the dotted veil on her tiny black hat. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“And you,” Joy said sincerely, holding out her hand. “I’m very sorry…” Her voice trailed off. Was she sorry for Mira’s loss? Sorry her birth mother had had an affair with a man who was married to Mira’s mother? “I’m sorry this is such a complicated mess,” she said with a pained smile.
“Me, too.” Mira’s lips twisted with pained humor. “I’ll also preemptively apologize for stealing so much of your husband’s time in the next while. There’s a lot to be dealt with, and I don’t really have anyone else to lean on.” Mira flinched as she said that.
Joy had the impression the anguish in her expression had nothing to do with losing Otto. She almost suggested they have a glass of wine sometime, but the service started.
It was yet another long, draining day. When they got home, Axel said, “Hot tub?”
“I have an early morning. I need to sleep.” She could have stayed up with him. The hot tub often led to lovemaking, and she could have used that stress release and a feeling of closeness with him.
Except she wasn’t sure how close they were anymore. She kept thinking, He doesn’t need me. It left an ache in her chest that she avoided by diving into sleep.
They didn’t have a proper discussion until two days later, on Saturday. She was dozing when Axel reached across the mattress for her.
“You’re here,” he said with sleepy discovery, grazing his palm over her hip, then pulling her closer.
Her blood zinged the way it always did when she came into contact with him, but she stiffened, panicking that she would turn emotional—desperate, even—if she made love with him.
“I thought you had the day off,” he said as she rolled away and sat up on the far edge of the bed.
“I do, but I have a costume fitting later.”
“Joy.” He sighed as he rolled onto his back. “We need to talk.”
“I know.” She didn’t want to, though. She would hear things that hurt. Maybe he might even say that he didn’t want to be married to her any longer.
She stood and began to dress in yoga pants and a loose shirt.
“Are you angry about the contract? That I said you shouldn’t pursue it?” He stayed in the bed propped on an elbow, looking dangerously sexy with his shadowed jaw and heavy eyelids.
“I’m the one who said I didn’t want to pursue it.” She ran a brush through her hair, then twisted it into a clip.
“What then? You’re still upset that…”
She turned to stare at him.
His jaw was clenched, his mouth tight, his gaze flinty.
“You’re not going to say it?” she asked on a bitter laugh. “Yes, I am still upset that you don’t love me.”
“Joy.” He flinched.
“I know that’s not something you can control. I don’t blame you for it.” Her voice broke. “I just can’t help thinking there’s a reason you can’t love me. That I lack something—”
“Don’t.” He threw off the covers and stood, then yanked on his underwear. “The flaw is in me. I don’t know how to give you what you need.”
“Then why keep me here?” The words blurted out of her.
He paused closing the fly on his jeans to stare at her. “Is there somewhere you’d rather be?” His tone was very deep and ominous.
“I’m asking what you gain if I stay.” Her heart was in her throat, thinning her voice to a strident pitch while her lips stuttered out the questions that had been plaguing her.
“What do you need me for now that you’ve got Vorstoben?
You don’t need to shove me down Otto’s throat.
You don’t need to prove to anyone that this is a real marriage.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending it is. ”
His head snapped back. “It’s as real as it’s likely to get.”
“Yes, I know that.” That was why she had completely lost faith in it.
His zip was overly loud as he yanked it closed. “So you want to leave?”
“I can’t, can I?” Silently, she ordered herself to shut up.
She was ruining everything, but her mouth kept going.
“I can’t leave you unless you release me.
That’s what LaShonda said. If I walk away, I lose all the support for my father.
That’s what I get from this marriage, but what do you get?
Orgasms? Was I supposed to give you one of those this morning? ”
“Those are voluntary, and I was under the impression you liked them as much as I do. But if you want my permission to leave, then you have it,” he snapped. “Go. I release you.”
She sucked in a breath, astonished by how easily he said it. By how much it hurt. He wasn’t even going to try to fight for her? He really didn’t want her.
Her phone alarm began to burble. She snatched it up to silence it, remembering why she’d set it. She scooped up her handbag from the table by the closet and started down the stairs.
“That’s it? You’re leaving?” His voice seemed to echo off the rafters. “That tells me exactly how much you love me, doesn’t it?”
She stopped on the stairs and looked backward at him, unable to believe he’d said that.
He stood in the open doorway to their bedroom. His bedroom. His house. She’d never felt more like a houseguest in this marriage.
“I’m due for my costume fitting,” she said with the last threads of her fraying poise.
It was a white lie. The alarm was to remind her to wake up in time. She didn’t have to leave right now. She only wanted the excuse to leave, before she fully broke down in front of him.
“And you never even wanted my love,” she reminded him. “So fine. I take it back. I release you.”
* * *
“Frau Severin.” The doorman looked up with a smile as she came out of the elevator. “This came for you this morning. I didn’t want to call up too early—are you all right?”
“Fine,” she lied and took the envelope he offered her, shoving it into her bag and walking outside. That was when she remembered her driver wasn’t coming for another hour.
She started walking. She knew the route well enough by now that she covered the distance to the studio in steps of blind fury and acute heartache, arriving early for her fitting.
Thankfully, the appointments were staggered, so there were only a few people in the room when Joy walked in with swollen eyes and a face splotchy from crying.
“What happened?” Inga asked with startled concern.
“A spat with Axel.” It was so much worse than a spat. Go. I release you.
Joy was devastated. Her instinct was to catch the first plane home, but as she stood for her fitting, she knew she couldn’t let a man knock her off her stride again. Even if her marriage was over, her dance career wasn’t. She would stay in Berlin at least until after the performance.
How, though? Where?
She was trying to figure things out as she picked up her bag. Her phone was pinging with texts, so she glanced at the screen. There were two from her driver and another from Axel.
Your driver is here. Where are you?
Where did he think? Gawd. She silenced her notifications and dropped her phone into her bag, noticing the envelope the doorman had given her.
She opened it, mostly to put off having to go home to face Axel again. Then she had to lean on the wall, finding herself on the floor by the time she had finished reading.
She started again, trying to take it in.
My dear,
I believe you are my niece. My sister was Lorena Fontaine. I’m in Berlin on business this week. My number is below. I would very much like to meet you if you have time. I’m staying with my wife at—
“Joy?” One of her fellow dancers crouched down before her, asking with concern, “Are you okay?”
“What?” She touched the tickle on her cheek and realized she was crying again, this time for a whole new reason. “Yes.” She was better than she’d been in a very long while. “Do you have a car? I need to go to a hotel.”