Chapter Six
The amount of money he paid for the garments that she bought, shoes, undergarments, the dresses, was enough to make her eyes bleed, and when they arrived at the restaurant in question, she was still reeling.
The restaurant was beautiful, with climbing vines all down the side. Those same climbing vines continued onto the rooftop, a canopy of green raining down over the diners. A glorious balcony with vine-covered walls, and a view of the Parthenon stretching out before them.
All heads turned to look at them when they walked through the dining area, and she had to wonder if it was because of just how chesty her dress was.
Though, then she rationalized that Alex was very famous.
And of course it had to do with the fascination of him, and definitely not her rather average rack.
The truth was, it was only unusual to her that she was showing this much skin. It wasn’t notable to anyone else.
Except maybe Alex.
But then, he also knew her. So he knew that this wasn’t typical for her.
Maybe she should’ve pushed back when he suggested the dress, but part of her felt lovely in it. So it was convenient to hand over the decision to wear it to Alex, rather than having to own it herself.
Was she that big of a coward? She asked herself that as they were seated in the most glorious spot on the rooftop, the warm breeze fluttering through her hair, the view of all that ancient glory giving her goose bumps.
It wasn’t because of Alex.
“This is what you wanted?” he asked.
“We definitely have left an impression all over the city today,” she said.
She had considered, for a split second, acting like she didn’t know what he was talking about, but there was no point.
He was only thinking of the game. And all of the conflicted feelings that she’d had over the last few hours were only hers.
She needed to remember that. That no matter how tempted she was to think there was some sort of personal connection between the two of them, there wasn’t. No matter how much she liked to scratch at him and mention her agency, he did have power over her.
Yes, she was getting something in this bargain, but she was only agreeing to it because it opened up avenues for her. If she were independently wealthy, then she wouldn’t. So that was evidence all on its own of who had the power here.
The evening was so lovely, the setting sun turning the sky muted orange tinged with blue as darkness consumed what remained of the day.
Had it only been a day? It had been the longest day on record.
“I would like a glass of wine,” she said.
“It shall be done.”
He lifted a hand, and the server appeared immediately. “Yes, sir?”
“My fiancée will have a glass of whatever you recommend. I will have something red. We will take a sample of the menu.”
“Of course, sir.”
“A sample?” she asked when the waiter vanished.
“I thought you might like to try everything they have to offer. This is one of the most sought-after reservations in all of Athens.”
“And you just managed to get it at the last minute?”
“Yes.”
“Did someone else lose their table so that you can have it?”
He lifted a shoulder, so unconcerned. “If so, that was the restaurant’s decision, and not mine.”
“But you have to realize that someone had to rearrange their entire... The restaurant had to rearrange things for you, or someone had to rearrange their dinner plans for you. You don’t shuffle around in empty space, commanding whatever you like without affecting people.
Just because you aren’t connected to others, doesn’t mean you don’t impact them. ”
Okay, she didn’t really care so much about the situation with the restaurant. Maybe she was just venting her feelings about being caught up in all of this.
“I’m aware of that. I’m not... I understand how the world works, Verity, and I understand the way that people’s relationships work.”
“Do you?”
“I do not owe you this explanation,” he said, his voice hard. “But I will give it.”
“Gee, thanks, Alex.”
“You are marrying me, so perhaps you need to know.”
“I’d like to,” she said, getting exasperated.
“But it is like... I will use Christmas as an example. It never meant anything to me. And no matter how much someone tells me it’s magical, or that it makes them feel a certain feeling, I can never have it.
What they are talking about is nostalgia.
I will never have nostalgia associated with the holiday.
It is nothing but bad memories for me, if anything.
Mostly, it didn’t signify. You cannot take understanding and turn it into feeling.
That is how family is for me. It’s how friendship is for me.
I can understand the purpose of it, I can understand how it functions, and why other people want it. But I don’t.”
It made such horrible sense that she almost felt guilty for talking to him the way that she had. For being angry.
Because the deeper she got into this part of him, the more she understood that he had not escaped his upbringing unscathed.
No. He was everything he was because of that upbringing. Successful, yes, but also disconnected.
“Romance is the same,” he said. “I understand what it means to other people. But it will never mean that for me.”
“You have no issue with sex,” she said, her entire face burning as soon as the words left her mouth.
Right then, the waiter reappeared with their wine and a selection of appetizers. Which looked lovely, but she had just made herself feel slightly ill.
Alex took his wine in hand and leaned back in his chair, regarding her coolly. “To me it is a drive like anything else. I eat and enjoy good food, but I don’t long for family dinners. That makes sense?”
Sadly. Very sadly it did.
She was honestly annoyed that he was so good at making this understandable.
“You’re angry with me,” he said, reaching out and putting a small selection of appetizers onto her plate. “I think you’re angry with me because you have an argument.”
“This is the problem. You know me. And for me, knowing someone means...feeling something. Whether it’s distaste or...friendship. You know me, and you don’t feel any of that. You just have the benefit of being able to look inside my head without paying the cost of caring. That doesn’t seem fair.”
“Consider this,” he said, his dark eyes nearly glowing in the faltering light. “I have no choice. There is an entire world within this world that I can see, I can understand, but I cannot enter. All the money in the world won’t fix that.”
There was no pity in his voice; there was no sadness. It was blunt and matter-of-fact. And she found it desperately sad. Was that just something he had to accept? That circumstances in his childhood had robbed him of something he could never get back?
But then she thought about her own, and the things she had accepted she wouldn’t have.
That she didn’t want a husband and children because being in a family unit had been such a terrible thing for her.
She didn’t let herself feel wistful about it.
Because the institution of family wasn’t something that made her feel.
..warm or happy. Maybe it was the same for him.
Everything was so disconnected from what it was supposed to be, so you couldn’t long for it the way that other people did.
She thought about saying that to him, but instead she took a bite of a small cracker in front of her and moaned with delight as the freshness of the fish and radishes on top hit her palate.
Maybe it was just better to exist in the moment.
Maybe this was the problem. She was so focused on trying to rationalize this moment, fix something, feel better, when maybe she just needed to live in it.
She was hardly being tortured, after all.
She took a sip of her wine, and surrendered.
There was no further action to be taken in the conversation unless she was going to start tearing strips of her own skin off and revealing all the issues she had underneath.
And that would be silly, because they weren’t friends.
Because he was her boss. She might as well just stay Verity as he knew her.
Because the Verity he knew was always together, always well-adjusted and fine.
There had been a little bit less of that over the past week given the whole.
..everything, but she didn’t need to go showing him her soft white underbelly.
“This is beautiful,” she said.
He looked at her, his eyes meeting hers, then drifting to her mouth, down to her breasts, which made her nipples go tight, and her stomach feel fluttery.
Then back up in her eyes. He was so gorgeous.
And dangerous. They had just had a conversation about why he was especially dangerous.
He was her boss, he knew her, he didn’t feel anything for her.
Unfortunately, her particular brand of trauma hadn’t made her disconnect from people. In fact, she wanted connection, just something that looked different from what she’d had growing up. The idea that she could have someone in her life who wanted her around, who appreciated what she did...
She took another long sip of her wine. Oh. Alex was that relationship. He wanted her around, even if it was in a professional capacity. He liked the things that she did, and he was quick to praise her.
It was easy for her to assume that she kept the peace with him, and managed him so well because of her ability to read impending dark moods, and her motivation to avoid them.
But it was more than that. It wasn’t enough for her to avoid his ire; the past two years she had been existing on his praise.
She had all these thoughts about friendships she might make. About dates she might go on, but she hadn’t done that, had she? Because Alex was fulfilling this role in her life that meant so much to her. Because she was actually consumed by her relationship with him.