Chapter 10
Luca
I can’t look away. That one strand of hair is driving me absolutely crazy.
It’s Sunday, and today we’re meeting at my place.
That was my idea, and to be honest, I have no idea what I was thinking when I invited Noah over.
For the first time ever, someone is here with me.
For the first time, someone who isn’t part of my family has entered my room, my sanctuary.
The first room I didn’t have to share, the place where I feel most safe.
My heart is pounding, my chest feels tight, but it doesn’t feel wrong he’s here. I don’t even want to think about what it means that I’ve thrown all the rules that I’ve so meticulously followed over the last few years out of the window for him.
With his nose buried in a thick book, Noah sits on the carpet in front of my bed.
Over and over again, he takes the pen out of his mouth and jots down notes.
I’m sitting next to him and should be doing the same, but I can’t focus on the lines in my book.
While the rest of Noah’s thick hair lies perfectly to the right, one strand keeps bouncing up and down in front of his left eye and I have to strongly restrain myself from reaching over and brushing it out of his face.
My thoughts are circling in this direction more and more lately.
I want to touch him, but not the way I usually touch my partners.
Not fast and… Okay, maybe a little hard, but mostly I want time to explore every inch of his body, slowly and tenderly.
Fuck, he’s driving me crazy, and now isn’t the right time.
Not now, when we get along so well that we can even laugh together while we work.
Noah Martin has a subtle, intelligent sense of humor, fantastically sarcastic and quick-witted. He can keep up with me and hold his own, and when his usually serious face suddenly softens and a cautious smile plays around his eyes and lips, my cock twitches in my pants.
I don’t stand a chance; I can’t hold back.
What’s going to happen now is absolutely stupid and reckless.
I don’t even know if he’s into men, but my hand has a life on its own and is slowly moving toward his face.
Only when I’m almost touching him does Noah notice me.
His hazel eyes widen, seek mine, and don’t let go.
Noah rarely shows emotion so it’s hard to read him, but there’s no rejection.
More like anxious anticipation and a whole lot of vulnerability, and it doesn’t surprise me.
I have no idea if it was ever any different, but since I’ve known him, he’s been alone.
He has no one, he admitted that himself.
Let’s be real, without this project, I probably wouldn’t have approached him either.
I always thought he was one of those nerds who don’t know how to have fun, who only study and don’t party.
God, was I wrong. Noah is just incredibly shy and insecure, which is easily mistaken as gruff and unapproachable. But not by me anymore.
My fingers find his red curl and brush his forehead as I sweep it to the right.
His eyes lock onto mine and his breath catches.
Shit, this is hot… in a completely different way than I’ve ever known.
Usually, I’m all about demanding and taking what I want.
Not with Noah. My thumb gently strokes his cheek down to his chin, and my index finger finds its way across the freckles on his nose.
“What… what are you doing?” Noah’s voice is soft, rough and uncertain.
“I don’t know, but I can’t hold back. You’re so beautiful, Noah.” His eyebrows furrow and his lower lip trembles. “Can I kiss you?”
It feels like an eternity before he nods. Just barely, almost imperceptibly. “But…”
I place a finger on his lips, I get it. This is his first kiss, at twenty. “Trust me.”
He looks up at me with questioning, disbelieving eyes, but I mean it.
It’s okay. Slowly, I move closer and cup his face with my hands.
Noah’s eyes are closed tight as my lips touch his.
They’re full and soft, almost like a girl’s.
No stubble and no roughness around his mouth, just silk, smooth skin.
Gently, I move my lips and play with Noah’s. Little kisses, a bit of nibbling on his lower lip. A soft whimper escapes him, and I’m relieved, because Noah is so passive I wasn’t sure if I was overstepping.
Smiling, I pull back a little, needing to see him, but he follows me, his lips seeking mine. He exhales, almost with relief, as we touch again.
I don’t know how much time has passed, but when he pushes me away rather forcefully, it comes as a complete surprise. When Noah then jumps up, grabs his things, and storms out of my room, I’m too confused to react in time. He’s gone. Fuck.
I count to thirty in my head. When I hit twenty-nine there’s a knock on my door, and I can’t help but smile. “Come in, Paps.”
Other kids my age might get annoyed if their parents were always hanging around.
But for twelve years, no one cared about me, and while it took me a bit to accept the affection from Philipp and Adrien, now I enjoy it, because I know it comes with no strings attached.
I can count on having these people in my life, and I know if push came to shove they’d do anything for me.
A head with light brown curls and freckles peeks through a crack in the door. I immediately think of Noah and my heart skips a beat. Shit… what’s going on with me? “Are you okay? That Noah boy looked a little shaken when he stormed out of the house.”
With a thud, my father plops down on my bed, and I immediately lean my back against his shins, letting my head fall back.
His hand runs through my black curls, massaging and stroking.
That was the first physical contact I could allow from him eight years ago, and somehow it’s become our thing.
He’s never taken that kind of affection away from me and my thoughts wander to one of our earliest memories of his acceptance.
Nervously, I look at my phone. 8:47 a.m. I should have been at school an hour ago, but I can’t. Right now, I can’t even manage breakfast with my new family.
Family. That’s what they really are, close and intimate with one another. They talk to me as if I belong. Don’t they realize that it only makes things worse? I know I can’t stay, so why are they making it so hard for me to leave again?
I spent the night in the garden shed. My room is nice and I’ve never had a room all to myself before.
Being in a room at night is dangerous though.
That conviction is firmly anchored in my mind, even though I don’t know why.
It was freezing cold last night, and I barely slept.
I just need to warm up, just for a moment. Maybe I’ll find something to eat.
As quietly as possible, I open the back door and slip through the small gap. When I open it further, the hinge squeaks. Immediately, the cozy warmth envelopes me. Wearing only socks, I sneak toward the kitchen.
No one should be in the house anymore as everyone leaves early on Tuesdays. Too late, I spot Philipp, who’s just loading the dishwasher. “Luca, good to see you. Were you in the garden shed last night? I saw a light.”
I nod quickly. I’m allowed to be there, we discussed that last week, after I’d been wandering through the neighborhood every night the week before. So far, I haven’t slept a single night in my own bed. “Wasn’t it too cold for you?”
Yes, it was freezing cold actually, but I don’t tell him that. It’s not his fault. Philipp is cool, just like Adrien, his husband. I just can’t get used to them, or it’ll hurt too much when my stay here comes to an end.
“Are you hungry?” What am I supposed to do? I don’t want him to care about me. Still, I nod, because I really need to eat. “Would you like a pretzel roll? Adrien said those are your favorite. With apricot jam?”
“How did you…?” I stop myself just in time. No, I don’t want to know how he knows that. Philipp just smiles gently.
“He noticed that two pretzel rolls are missing every lunchtime, even though there’s other bread in the breadbasket.
” Oh, fuck, were those his? Am I in trouble now?
Philipp is still smiling. What does that mean?
“And when Louis isn’t here, nobody usually eats the apricot jam.
Since you’ve been here, it’s been getting emptier and emptier. ”
I look at him intently. “Yeah, so? Is that a problem? You’ve got enough cash. It’s not going to make you poor.”
“That’s true.” What? Did he really just say that? No lecture? No defense? “Would you like to sit down? I still have time to make you something.”
“You don’t have to do anything for me. I’m old enough to do it myself. Stop acting like I’m at home here.” My tone is sharp and dismissive, and if I weren’t actually really hungry, I’d turn around and leave right now. But my stomach is growling so loudly even Philipp can hear it.
“Sit down.”
“You have no say over me.” I can’t do this. I can’t let him get close to me. Too dangerous. Without looking back, I storm into my room and sit down on the floor in front of my bed, pull my knees up, and rest my head on them.
I’ve been here for nine weeks, and the bed is still unused.
Even when I sleep here during the day, I lie on the carpet.
Fate is an asshole. Why did it send me here?
Everything is so fucking perfect, and I can’t stay.
No one keeps me. There always comes a point where “unfortunately the placement must be terminated.”
I got kicked out of my last group home because they couldn’t guarantee their duty of supervision anymore.
Just because I walked to the nearby quarry pond at night and climbed onto the processing plant.
My God, they made a fuss. I haven’t been home a single night here either, and it’s okay.
I can’t be in my room at night. The noises, the walls, the darkness, the shadows.
There’s a knock. I’d rather not say anything, but Philipp is too nice to ignore. “Yes?”