Chapter 11
Noah
What the hell am I doing? Oh my God. I need to get out of here. Now, as fast as possible. Why is he doing this? Is he messing with me? Is he doing this to make fun of me later? Tell everyone how pathetic I am?
Noah, who’s never been kissed by the age of twenty. Noah, who seriously believed Luca Delfosse might like him. Not going to happen.
I jump up, grab my bag, and run to the door. Without turning around even once, I storm out of the house. My lower lip is trembling, but I won’t let myself show it. I’m not crying. Not here, not in front of him. It was just a kiss, no big deal. No big… Fuck.
***
It’s been three days since Luca kissed me. Me. My first kiss, and it was absolutely amazing. Gentle, tender, patient. Completely different from what I would’ve expected from him.
In the photos I saw online, he pinned his partners against the wall or the bar, held them close, and oozed dominance. Not with me. It was so perfect. Way too perfect to be true for someone like me. I can’t fall for him, not for Luca Delfosse, who never commits.
No repeats. His words, not mine. But my stomach flutters and my heart pounds in my throat every time my phone vibrates, and I know he’s texted me again.
No one but Luca texts me and for the past three days, my phone hasn’t stopped. “What happened? Why did you leave?” followed by “Can we talk, please?” and “Why aren’t you at university?” in various versions, but I can’t reply.
What should I tell him? That I’m scared? That I’m starting to fall in love with him? That it’s stupid because I’m definitely going to be disappointed and I’d rather spare myself that kind of pain? Because men like him don’t fall for men like me?
My phone buzzes again in my pocket. “Is it because I’m a man? Because you kissed a man?”
A sarcastic laugh slips out so fast I can’t stop it. No, that’s not my problem. I’ve known for a long time that I’m attracted to men, but I’ve never come out because it’s never mattered. But Luca doesn’t know that, and he seems to be genuinely worried.
“No, that’s not it. I’ve known for a while that I’m into men. Don’t worry, you haven’t caused an identity crisis.”
His reply comes quickly. “Hallelujah, you’re still alive! Can we talk, please?”
I want to talk to him, I want to see him again, but I don’t want to hear that the kiss was nice, but nothing more, that we’ll finish our project and then never speak to each other again.
For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel alone.
I had someone to sit next to in class. I’m so scared of being alone again.
Even though I didn’t reply for two hours, my phone vibrates again. “Student party at the club tonight! I’ll be there by 11 p.m. at the latest. I’d really love to see you.” Yeah, no.
***
It’s 11:17 p.m. and I’m standing in front of the club—I think. I’ve never been here, but I’ve already spotted a few people I recognize.
They are all coming in groups, no one’s come alone. I’m the only one standing here solo, and I feel incredibly stupid right now. How embarrassing can someone actually be?
“Do you still plan on going in, or have you changed your mind?” Is she talking to me? Startled, I look at the bouncer.
“Me?”
“Yeah, you, sweetie. We’re about to be full, now’s your chance.”
“Um, yeah, okay, yeah. I want to go in.”
She eyes me up and down. “No need to be so shy, you’re a cutie. Never forget that.”
I nod frantically, then stumble my way to the ticket counter. The club is small. Everything is cramped, and the crowd already fills the entire space. How am I supposed to find Luca here?
Someone bumps into me from behind and I fall forward. My glasses slip, and I barely manage to hold onto them before I land on all fours on the floor.
“Who’s he here with?” My breath catches, she’s talking about me.
“No idea. Probably no one. He’s always alone. Freak.”
Tears well up in my eyes, I need to get out of here. This was a terrible idea. I quickly scramble to my feet and try not to look at anyone as I push my way toward the exit. That was the way toward the exit, right? Oh, fuck… I could cry.
“Noah? Hey! Noah! Hey! Over here!” Out of reflex, I turn toward the voice that called my name, only to find that several people here are named Noah.
The group starts laughing when they realize I thought they’re talking to me, and a giant of a guy pushes his way through behind me, raising his hand in greeting.
I swallow hard. Exit, out, now. But just as I turn, I hear a familiar voice.
“Hey! Where are you going? I’m happy you’re here.” Two bright blue eyes are shining at me, and Luca’s smile is almost blinding. He slowly leans forward and I don’t understand what he’s up to. Do I have to do something? What do I have to do? How pathetic can one person be?
Then, he kisses me. Very gently on the corner of my mouth. Right here in front of everyone. Me.
“What are you doing?”
Luca laughs. “I’m kissing you.”
Oh, come on. I roll my eyes and he laughs even more.
“Come on, let’s go join the others.” He holds out his hand to me, and I place mine in his. Maybe being brave is worth it after all.
“Who else is here?”
“My brother Jannis with his boyfriend and Valérie. We’re close friends.” Interesting, no one from university.
“Do they speak French, or…?”
“Valérie is a native speaker, Jannis learned French when he joined the family, just like I did, but he probably won’t speak.
He has selective mutism. He speaks with us in the family, and with Dayyan and Valérie too, but not with anyone else.
Dayyan has picked up quite a bit of French over the last two years since he and his brothers moved in with us. The twins are fluent.”
Even though Dayyan’s French is by far the worst, he still understands almost everything, and if he doesn’t, he has no problem asking.
I like him right away. He’s open and warm, without being loud or pushy.
Even though they don’t hold hands or make out all the time, it’s still obvious how much Jannis and he love each other.
Every now and then, Dayyan whispers something in Jannis’s ear or vice versa, and they laugh together.
If someone ever looked at me like that, I’d hold on to him for the rest of my life.
Luca puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. I look up in surprise and… oh. A gentle smile plays on his lips, and he looks at me as if I’m the only other person in the room.
“Ugh, seriously, I’m not going out with you guys anymore.” Valérie groans and lets their head fall onto the table.
“Why not?” Luca asks, but doesn’t break eye contact with me.
“Because you’re all farting little pink hearts.”
None of us can hold back our laughter, and Luca leans toward me.
Firmly and decisively, he presses his lips against mine again and I close my eyes, letting myself fall into this new touch.
I shouldn’t be doing this. The more I let myself get involved with him, the worse it’ll hurt when he drops me like a hot potato.
No repeats. It’s perfectly clear where this story is headed.
But Luca’s kisses drive me wild, making me so weak for this man I can never have. His tongue gently brushes against my lips, and I let him in, even though I have no idea what I’m actually doing.
God, this has to be the worst kiss of his life. Our tongues brush against each other cautiously, dancing, playing. Luca’s hand rests on my neck, and a whimper escapes my chest. Fuck, could this get any more embarrassing? But Luca just smiles softly.
Time flies by. When Luca isn’t kissing me, I’m in his arms. We drink cocktails and long drinks, and as my legs loosen up a bit, we even dance.
I’m not a particularly good dancer, but Valérie is fantastic.
That makes it easier, because next to Val, everyone else looks like either a robot or a jumping jack.
Even Luca, who seductively grinds his hips against my butt and puts ideas in my head that scare me and turn me on in equal measure.
Would he do that? With me? And if so, do I really want to be just one of many?
Insignificant in the crowd of men Luca Delfosse has already kissed and fucked? Another notch in the bedpost?
Except that it doesn’t feel insignificant at all.
Not with the way he looks at me, holds me, kisses me.
I close my eyes and lean into him as he trails gentle kisses up my neck.
Under my ear, my chin, and then his lips are back on mine.
This is exactly how I’ve always dreamed of being kissed—at night, alone in my bed.