Chapter 29
Noah
I knew today was the day when I walked into Luca’s room and the space was bathed in the soft glow of the aroma lamp. He’d spent a week exploring every inch of my body, figuring out what I like, where my limits lie. Not that he’d told me so, but I’m not stupid.
“Today?” Silly question, but I ask it anyway, just to be sure.
“If you want.” Luca’s voice trembles. Is he nervous too? Why?
“Yes. But I should… um, go to the bathroom.” It’s just that I’m not prepared at all, I don’t have anything with me.
Without hesitation, Luca presses a small bag into my hand. “Take all the time you need. Dayyan said it took him forever the first time.” This isn’t my first time, because I don’t like a mess on my toys either.
Fifteen minutes later, I come out of the bathroom sparkling clean and freshly showered, with just a towel around my hips, and my heart pounding in my throat. How does he want me? How do I want it?
Luca is lying naked on his bed, and once again that one question jumps to the forefront of my mind: How can a man as handsome as he is, find someone like me attractive?
Or is this all just a game? Will he take my virginity and then dump me?
No repeats. That’s what he always said.
No. I know I’m not a game to him even though he’s never said he loves me. Maybe he doesn’t have to, maybe he shows me that through everything he does for me, through the way he treats me.
Hot hands glide over my naked body, followed by kisses and moans. Luca tries to give me time, fighting his own desire, but I don’t need time. I’ve had years to imagine how it feels and we’ve already done so much, I feel safe, I want to know. Now.
With practiced fingers, he opens me up, first one, then two, now three. If I put my cock in my hand I could come right away, but I don’t want to. And even if Luca dumps me afterward, I have to take that risk.
“I’m ready.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”
I nod. Absolutely sure.
“Do you want me to use a condom? I’ve gotten tested, everything’s fine with me, but I understand if you still…”
I cut him off with a kiss. “No condom.” I’m lying on my side, Luca behind me, and I flinch in surprise when I feel his cock at my entrance. I’ve imagined a lot of positions, spooning wasn’t one of them.
But Luca knows what he’s doing. He enters me slowly, giving my muscles time to get used to the stretch, and it actually doesn’t hurt. I can feel him inside me, feel incredibly full, but in a good way.
“Fuck, Noah, you feel so good. Can I move?” My voice isn’t cooperating right now, so I nod quickly.
Luca’s first thrust is slow and deep, and I moan.
Fuck, he’s hitting exactly the spot that makes me see stars.
Again and again, his cock stimulates my prostate, again and again, little flashes shoot through my body.
I want more, faster, harder, both, and I press my ass into his crotch, hoping he’ll understand.
Luca gets it right away and thrusts deep inside me.
Fuck, not even my toy can reach that far.
His head is resting on my neck, and his hot breath is blowing across my skin.
Irregular and labored, a soft moan accompanies every breath.
And I’m flying faster and higher toward the light.
My climax is building. Determined, Luca grabs my cock, and after only one stroke, there’s no turning back.
I let go, stop thinking, focus entirely on Luca, taking in every thrust, the feeling of my muscle around his cock, not wanting to forget a thing in case he dumps me tomorrow.
Tears well up in my eyes as the stars merge into an endless vortex of light.
“Please don’t leave me,” I want to scream, “please don’t leave me alone.” But my mouth forms no words. I only hear a scream twisted in pleasure and agony.
Was that me? My hole tightens, grips Luca’s cock, never wanting to let him go, and I pull him over the cliff with me. We fall together, and never in my life have I felt as free as I do right now, in this moment.
The last waves are still coursing through our bodies, and Luca holds me tight, pressed close to him.
“I love you,” I want to whisper, hoping he’ll say it back, but I stay silent and hope he doesn’t see my tears.
I’m going to lose him. I know it for sure.
I can’t possibly hold on to him. No one can hold on to Luca Delfosse.
***
“Good morning, mon Papillon. Did you sleep well?” His words are so gentle, he tenderly strokes my ribs and kisses my shoulder. This doesn’t feel like a goodbye.
“Yes.” I slept like a log, it just took a while for me to actually fall asleep.
“Me too. Last night was insane.”
“For me, too.” It was perfect.
“Too bad we don’t have time for round two this morning.” Confused, I turn to him. Do we have plans? “Don’t tell me you forgot.”
Apparently, I have.
“Valérie’s birthday. At the cabin in the woods. We have to leave in two hours at the latest to set everything up.”
Oh shit, I really did forget the birthday. “I still have to finish a paper. It’s due on Monday.”
“The one for neuropsychology? For Professor Robert?”
I nod in agreement, that’s the one I have to do. Damn it.
“How about you go set things up with Jannis and Dayyan, and I’ll catch up with you when I’m done? I have my car anyway.”
Luca furrows his brow doubtfully. “Are you sure? I can stay here with you.”
“No, that’s nonsense. You’ll just get bored anyway while I’m sitting at your desk.”
After a few more minutes of chatting, we decide that he’ll go without me and I’ll meet them up there.
The paper took longer than expected. It’s already late when I finally close my laptop, and the party is surely in full swing by now.
“I’m heading out.” I send a quick text to Luca, who’s been asking me every thirty minutes where I am.
“Finally! See you soon!” and a kiss emoji is what I get in reply.
I’m driving down a winding road through the woods when my phone vibrates. Smiling, I open the message without looking as no one but Luca texts me anyway. A video opens, the music blaring loudly.
I look and then I stare again, not believing what I see. It can’t be. All the air is rushing out of my lungs. This has to be a mistake. Who is that? Why is he doing this to me? What did I do wrong?
Or was I right after all? Was it just about getting me into bed from the start? That’s what it was, right? And now he’s dumping me.
“No repeats!”
How could I have been so stupid? It was never about me. he was never interested in me. Nobody gives a fuck about me. If I weren’t here tomorrow, would anyone care? My vision is blurring.
No, they wouldn’t. No one would even notice. No one. And even if they did, they wouldn’t care. I’m usually so smart. How did it take me twenty years to realize that there’s no one who’d miss me? What am I even doing here? Why bother living if my life is full of loneliness and pain?
I see the sharp left turn ahead of me and the one single tree. I should really ease off the gas and steer, but my hands won’t move. My gaze falls on my phone, Luca still on the screen. Then everything goes black.