Chapter 44
Noah
One year later
“Suits you.” I look at Dayyan questioningly, not sure if I understood him correctly. His French is better than my German, but we still sometimes talk past each other. “The baby. And look how relaxed he is in your arms.”
I’ve been carrying Felias for about an hour, and Felias is almost always relaxed—unless he’s hungry, then it’s game over, but I think that’s the case with all babies. Felias and Levi are Louis and David’s twins.
“You’d make a great dad.”
I laugh briefly. “I seriously doubt that.”
“Why?”
Phew, where do I even start? “I’m impatient and… I don’t know, I haven’t even finished my degree yet, but if you ask me now, I can’t imagine having kids of my own. Luca and I are just barely getting our own lives together.”
Besides, I’d be way too afraid of passing my mental health issues on to my child. Even though I’m doing well now, I haven’t forgotten all of those shitty years.
And then there’s still our idea of the children’s home, but Luca and I don’t want to talk about that officially yet. We decided our focus should be on the kids there, and having a family of our own doesn’t fit into that concept. “Luca and I don’t want children. What about you guys?”
Dayyan shakes his head and laughs. “I can’t speak for Jannis. As for me, I’ve always wanted kids. I’ve always wanted a family of my own. But back then, I didn’t have custody of my brothers.”
Dayyan took on guardianship for his siblings at the age of twenty. I couldn’t even handle myself at that age, there’s no way I could’ve taken care of two grieving boys.
“So now you don’t want kids anymore?”
“We’ve got our hands full with the twins.
Ninety percent of the time, Jannis and I have no idea what we’re doing.
So if you ask me, I don’t need that again.
For fourteen-year-olds, they don’t get into too much trouble, but I’m still a nervous wreck every time they’re out and about.
Being a parent is a huge responsibility. ”
“What are Luca and Jannis doing over there?” For the past few minutes, Dayyan and I have been watching our men having a heated discussion.
“Looks like they’re especially fond of each other today.”
Luca is waving his arms around and laughing, while Jannis is trying to calm him down. I know Luca, that’s not going to work, he keeps pointing at his ring finger.
“Oh, fuck.” Apparently Dayyan understands more than I do. Out of the blue Luca runs back to the group, with Jannis right behind him.
“Everyone listen up…” Luca doesn’t get any further, because Jannis jumps on his back from behind and covers his mouth. Dayyan next to me squints his eyes pressing his thumb and index finger against the bridge of his nose. A murmur goes through the guests, then I see it. The ring on Jannis’s finger.
“Dayyan, do you want to tell me something?”
“He said yes. And now I have to save my fiancé.”
***
“Why did you have to embarrass Jannis like that?”
“We don’t keep secrets in our family. Why didn’t he just say it?”
I roll my eyes and Luca laughs. “You’re so cute when you roll your eyes.”
That’s exactly why I shouldn’t have kids. Luca beams at me with his blue eyes, and I’m putty in his hands. How am I supposed to raise a child under these circumstances? Annoyed with myself, I reach for the water bottle next to my bed.
“Will you marry me?”
The big gulp I was planning to take doesn’t make it to my stomach as I register what he said. Half of it veers off course finding its way out through my nose, the rest sprays out of my mouth. I must have misheard him. Stunned, I stare at him.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. I love you.”
“No.”
The smile disappears from Luca’s face. “Yes, I do love you.”
Fuck, I’m messing this up. “I know, and I love you. But I don’t want to marry you.”
With his head bowed, he takes a step back and swallows hard.
My words were too harsh, and I quickly reach for his hand.
“That’s a ‘no’ for now, Chéri, not a ‘no’ forever.
And it’s a ‘no’ to marriage, not a ‘no’ to our life together.
I don’t want to go through this life with anyone else.
I just don’t know if I want to get married.
What if, in four years or so, you realize it’s annoying that I can’t ride a bike?
I’m doing fine right now, but what if I start feeling worse again?
I don’t want to lose you, but I also don’t want to tie you down. ”
Luca looks at me defiantly. “You can’t decide who I commit to. For today, it’s a no, but I’ll ask again.”