Chapter 52
Noah
Four years later
“Noah?” Luca’s voice echoes loudly through the forest. “Noah, where are you? Noah!”
“Here! I’m here!” I shout loud and clear, even though my voice is hoarse. Somehow I thought that after so many years it would be easier to stand here, but I still feel the emptiness I felt in that moment, the hopelessness. My eyes close and everything goes black, just like back then.
“Hey, I’ve been looking for you. What are you doing here?” Good question. No idea. I think I wanted to know what it feels like to stand here. Here by the tree where I wanted to die.
Earlier, we drove the road I should have taken. It’s not the first time for Luca as he’s been here a few times before with Jannis and Valérie. Their fathers bought the cabin a few years ago and renovated it.
I’ve always avoided coming up here before, but not today. Today Jonah is celebrating his eighteenth birthday, and I want to be there to help with the preparations and wish him lots of fun before we drive home with Mika.
“I wanted to come back here, on purpose.” I look at the tree, its bark still damaged. Luca wraps his arms around me and pulls me close, so tightly that I almost stumble. Out of reflex, I cling to him, and my glasses slip as my face presses flat against his chest.
“I’m so glad you’re here with me. I love you more than anything. You know that, right?”
I’d answer if I could breathe. I push him away from me a little, but I can’t suppress the loving grin that always spreads across my face whenever my husband tells me he loves me. “If you suffocate me, that’s it for being with you, Chéri. And I love you too.”
I reach up for a kiss, and Luca doesn’t let me down. His lips find mine, passionate and demanding, nothing has changed between us, and yet everything has changed. I am loved, not only by my husband, but also by our family. The one we never wanted, and now can’t imagine living without.
“Papa? Paps? Where are you?”
Another title I never thought I’d bear. But one day Mika came home from daycare, completely distraught.
“Jaron said everyone has a Mama and a Papa, but I don’t, do I?”
At first I was overwhelmed, but luckily I have my husband. He was totally chill and just said, “Would you like it if you had two Papas?”
Mika was thrilled, but it quickly became clear that he couldn’t call both of us “Papa.”
“I’ll do it like you do with Grandpa Adrien and Grandpa Philipp. I’ll speak French with you, so you’re Papa. And I’ll speak German with you.” Pointing his index finger, he gestured toward Luca. “You’re Paps.”
Jonah jumped right in, and at some point Linus did too. Somehow it just took on a life of its own. Right now Jonah is yelling, and shortly after I hear footsteps approaching.
“What are you guys doing here? Whoa, crazy! Did someone crash into that?”
“Me. I crashed into it.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see his head snap in my direction. “That’s why you have the scars and can’t move your leg properly, right?” I nod. “Lucky nothing worse happened to you. It’d really suck without you.”
Embarrassed, Jonah scratches the back of his head and looks at me with wide eyes. I don’t tell him that my plan was to disappear from this world, a world where I was sure no one would miss me. Where no one could ever love me.
“Come here.” I pull away from my husband and reach for Jonah, who immediately throws his arms around my neck. “It’d really suck without you, too. We’re proud of you.”
This big, strong boy rests his head on my shoulder and squeezes a little tighter. “Ah, fuck, you’re making me cry.”
That’s not hard. Ever since Jonah’s been with us and allowed himself to feel, he’s been pretty emotional. And now here we are, in the bright afternoon light.
Jonah’s friends are coming in four hours, and until then, we’re celebrating with the family.
With the family that took me in without hesitation and then did the same for our three boys.
Luca’s fathers, who laid the foundation for this wonderful, colorful family many years ago, his brothers, and their families.
Mika is cuddling with Kaya, Jannis and Dayyan’s Labrador, while Jonah and Louis and David’s twins are desperately searching for enough signal to send videos back and forth, and Linus is lovingly stroking Mia’s belly.
Yes, we’re going to be grandpas, no, it wasn’t planned, but we’ll manage. The two of them aren’t alone.
I look up and see the man who fell in love with me twenty years ago.
Me, the unassuming red-haired boy with the freckles and thick glasses.
To this day, I don’t understand what he sees in me or why he bites his lower lip when I stand naked in front of him.
Luca, this undeniably attractive man with dark curls streaked with the first gray hairs, and those radiant blue eyes, with the septum piercing he still wears.
Luca’s gaze meets mine immediately, the resolve and stubbornness vanish, and there is nothing but love and even after so many years, still a touch of disbelief.
I don’t know if it’s because we’re here in this place, where we should have been together so much sooner, but Luca’s eyes well up and his voice breaks. “I’m so glad you’re here with me today. And look around, I was right. You weren’t done here yet.”
Luca’s words in my darkest moment, the words that made me keep going, that helped me fight my way out of that dark hopelessness until I saw the light again, and so much more. He gave me perspective and a future filled with more love than I could have ever imagined.
***
Once again, my gaze wanders over the colorful bunch I’m lucky enough to call my family, over the three boys who’ve chosen to be part of us, then I lose myself again in my husband’s blue eyes. “I don’t know how you see this, but I think we’re far from done here.”
“I don’t know how you see this, but I think love conquers all.”
THE END