Chapter 22
CHAPTER
TWENTY-TWO
Sawyer
“Jillian,” King says, his voice cold. “What are you doing here?” he asks, partially closing the door so she’s not on display to everyone inside.
“It’s my daughter’s birthday.” She shrugs, holding up a small pink gift bag.
“You mean the daughter you left ten years ago?” he asks.
“You came,” Ellie says, her voice quiet.
The two of us turn around, shock covering King’s face. Ellie’s face mirrors the same expression.
“El, did you invite her?” he asks, his voice softer when speaking to her.
“Well, I found her address in your office, and I figured I’d just write her a letter and remind her it was my birthday.” Her voice sounds shaky. “I didn’t think you would come.” She stares at Jillian.
“Well, it was a nice letter.” Jillian smiles at Ellie, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Happy birthday.” She hands her the bag in her hand.
“Thanks,” Ellie says, taking the bag and awkwardly shifting on her feet.
Even though Ellie was the one to invite her, I can tell she’s conflicted on whether she even wants her here or not.
How could you not be? This woman, who’s supposed to be your mother but hasn’t been around for the last decade, just shows up out of nowhere. I wouldn’t know how to act either.
Besides, it’s not like Jillian is making much of an effort. She just awkwardly stands at the door, staring at King more than acknowledging Ellie.
Despite everything King told me, I never judged Jillian for leaving. She did what she thought was best, and it probably was.
But this, I’m judging—her showing up here on her daughter’s birthday after no contact with her since she was a child.
I may not be a mother, but this doesn’t feel like the right thing, barging in on their lives like this with no warning.
I find it hard to believe that after all these years, Ellie’s letter is really the only reason she’s here. Especially by the way she can’t seem to take her eyes off King.
“What’s going on?” Willow asks, walking up behind us and pushing past Ellie.
“Fuck,” King mumbles under his breath.
I can feel the anxiety rolling off of him in waves. He looks at me, unsure of what to do, and the truth is, I’m not sure either.
“You must be Willow,” Jillian says cheerfully. “Wow, you’ve gotten big.”
“Who are you?” Willow asks, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Well, I guess I’m your mom.” She laughs.
Willow’s face drops, and she looks instantly uncomfortable. I’m not sure she even notices the slight step backward she takes so that she’s angled behind me, but Jillian sure does.
Her eyes snap to mine, a venomous look in them. She scrutinizes me up and down, sizing me up.
“Are you the babysitter?” she asks, a slight edge in her tone.
“No, she’s Dad’s girlfriend,” Willow says sassily. “And you’re not my mom. I don’t have a mom.” Willow walks away.
I turn around to follow her, but Marilyn waves me off, letting me know that she’s got her. She looks past me out the door, her eyes hardening on Jillian before she walks away.
“So, why’d you come?” Ellie asks, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Well, you asked me to.” Jillian hesitates. “I know it’s been a long time, but I’m happy to see you, Ellie.”
“You’ve been gone practically my whole life.” Ellie shakes her head. “What changed? You finally decided you wanted to be a mother?” she asks.
“Well, I-I don’t know. I just got your letter, and I missed you. I wanted to see you. Isn’t that enough?” She smiles.
“I don’t know.” Ellie stares at her, confused. “I need a minute,” she says, turning around and walking away.
King looks at me, complete pain for his girls in his eyes. I squeeze his hand in mine, letting him know I’m here.
“Will you?—”
“Yeah, don’t worry,” I cut him off before he can ask. “I’ve got her,” I assure him. “You two should talk.” I nod toward Jillian.
“How kind of you to give us a minute alone,” Jillian says snarkily.
“I know, I’m just so fucking sweet, aren’t I?” I plaster a fake smile on my face. “Damien would know.” I wink at her before walking away.
I hear a small chuckle coming from him, and I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that he’s okay. I look back, watching him walk outside and close the front door behind them rather than letting her inside the house.
I make my way to Ellie’s room, looking inside but not finding her there. I notice the back slider slightly open and walk outside into the backyard, figuring I’ll find her out there. I look around the yard and see her leaning against the wall next to the gate that leads to the front yard.
“Hey,” I say as I walk up to her, but she shushes me, not even looking in my direction. I move to stand next to her, and the voices become clearer.
She’s eavesdropping on King and Jillian talking.
“Ellie, maybe we shouldn’t…” I whisper, the words trailing off.
“You can go if you want,” she says. “I need to hear this.” Her voice is decisive, and I know that there’s nothing I can do or say to change her mind.
Her stubbornness reminds me a little bit of myself in that way. I sigh, leaning against the wall next to her and listening.
“Don’t give me the letter bullshit, Jillian,” King says, sounding angrier than I’ve ever heard him. “Why are you really here?”
“What if I just missed my family?” she asks.
“Did you?” he asks.
“I missed you ,” she says.
I look at Ellie to see her anxiously chewing on her lip as she listens intently.
“Come on, King,” Jillian says, her tone flirty. “Didn’t you miss me?” she asks.
“No,” he says with no hesitation. “What about your daughters? Did you miss them over the past decade? Do you care that you missed Willow taking her first steps? Or Ellie growing into a young woman? Do you care that you missed any of it?”
“I—” she starts, but King cuts her off, not done.
“You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to leave and then just show up here and decide you want to be part of their lives again. It’s not fair to them,” he says harshly.
“I don’t want to be a part of their lives, Damien,” she says, exasperated. “I want to be a part of yours.”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He huffs.
“I didn’t want kids, you knew that. I wanted an abortion, but you were the one who loved the idea of having them. You were the one who loved them,” she says. “I just loved you . I still do.”
“You need to leave, Jillian,” he says. “Right now.”
“Come with me,” she begs. “They’re older now, they don’t need you anymore. Your parents can watch out for them. Or maybe even that child that you’re calling your girlfriend.” She scoffs. “I’ve thought about you every day for the last ten years, regretting leaving you, hoping that one day we could be together again. You can’t honestly tell me you haven’t thought about me too?”
“The only time I’ve ever thought about you was when I grieved the fact that my children don’t have a mother,” he says. “And that woman is the love of my life and the best thing that’s ever happened to me aside from my daughters. There isn’t a single thing or person that could ever make me leave them or her.”
“Damien…” she says, hurt in her voice.
“Leave.” His voice is firm, and I hear him open the front door and slam it shut not even a second later.
I look down at Ellie, seeing a single tear falling down her cheek. I reach down, gently wiping it away, and she looks up at me with sad eyes.
“I can’t go back in there.” She shakes her head.
“It’s okay,” I tell her. “We won’t.”
I grab my phone out of my pocket and order us an Uber. Then I pull up my messages to send a text to King.
Sawyer: Ellie was outside, we overheard everything. She just needs a little bit to cool off, I’m gonna get her out of here
He texts me back a few seconds later.
King: Maybe I should talk to her first?
Sawyer: Not yet, trust me… I promise I’ve got her
Sawyer: Just maybe clear the house out and talk with Willow
King: I trust you.
Sawyer: Be back soon
I look out past the gate to make sure Jillian got in her car and left first before turning back to Ellie. “Okay, let’s go,” I tell her, grabbing her hand in mine and pulling her to the front where the Uber should be pulling up in a second.
“Where are we going?” she asks.
“I have an idea,” I say.
“I can’t take any more surprises.” She sighs.
“How do you feel about smashing some shit right now?” I grin at her, opening the door to the Uber once it parks in front of us.
A small smile comes over her face, and she nods as she slides into the Uber. “Let’s go.”
The drive to the Smashit House is about twenty-five minutes with traffic, and luckily, they have an empty room when we get there. I pay the fee for the both of us, and then we suit up in protective gear. They give us two baseball bats and a sledgehammer as they escort us into the room.
The worker lets us know that we have half an hour and that anything in the room is fair game. We can come out and grab him if we need anything at all before the time is up. Then he leaves, closing the door behind him.
Ellie and I walk around the room, looking at everything. There’s a desk in the center of the room with an old, cracked desktop and printer on top of it. Two large buckets are on the floor filled with glass vases, wine glasses, plates, and other things I can’t yet make out.
Ellie looks around hesitantly, so I figure I’ll start. I grab a baseball bat and walk over to the bucket, picking up a plate. I stare at it for a second before throwing it in the air and smashing it with the baseball bat. Glass shatters against the wall, and I let out a loud laugh.
“Your turn.” I nod at her.
She reaches into the bucket next to her, pulling out a wine glass and throwing it at the wall. It shatters but barely.
“Come on, I know you can do better than that.” I egg her on.
She grabs a plate this time, throwing it in the air and hitting it with her own bat, just like I did. She smiles as it shatters before looking at me.
“There she is.” I laugh with her. “Let it all out,” I tell her, and she does.
She picks up a vase, chucking it as hard as she can against the wall, and I join her, grabbing more out of my own bucket. The two of us are silent except for the laughs that filter through the small room as we smash things left and right. I think it might be as cathartic for me as it is for her.
I never had anyone to do this with. I mean, I have Aria, but the two of us are more of the don’t speak about it, ignore it, and it’ll go away type.
But this feels really fucking good. To let it out.
For all the times my mom let me down. For every time Brent put me in a shitty situation. For the little girl who lost both of her parents in one fell swoop. For the girl who fought so fucking hard to even be here right now.
I take every ounce of pain I have, and I release it.
There’s less than ten minutes left on the clock by the time the both of us work through our buckets.
“You alright?” I ask Ellie.
“I hate her,” she says, grabbing the sledgehammer off the floor and walking over to the desk. “I hate her for leaving.” She lifts it over her head, slamming it down on the printer. “I hate her for coming back.” She slams it down again. “I just really fucking hate her.” She continues to slam it into the printer until it’s in pieces.
She finally drops the sledgehammer to the floor, her shoulders slumping, and I run over to her, pulling her into me. She lets out a sob, collapsing into my arms. I hold her as she cries, rubbing her back gently.
A few minutes pass, and her breathing evens out as she calms down. I take off my helmet and pull the protective glasses and mask off my face, setting them to the side, and she does the same. Her eyes are red and puffy, but she quickly wipes away any remaining tears. I jump up onto the desk where the printer used to be, patting the space next to me for her to do the same.
“I wasn’t actually going to send her the letter,” she says.
“So, why did you?” I ask.
“I don’t know.” She shakes her head. “I think I was just curious. You know, I remember her from before she left, but it’s all foggy. I just wanted to see her again, to know where I came from.”
“That makes sense,” I tell her. “But you’re so much more than where you came from, Ellie.”
“I just thought, she’s my mom. I should want to know her, right?” She sighs. “But I don’t think I do. I think I’m better off without her.”
“It doesn’t matter who she is, you don’t have to have anyone in your life who you don’t want there.” I reach down, squeezing her hand in mine. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, it’s that family doesn’t have to be blood. You can choose your own family.”
“Is that what you did?” she asks.
“Yeah.” I nod. “It’s what I’m still doing.”
“What about your biological family?” she asks.
“Well, my dad died when I was a little girl, and my mom was never really the same after that.” I hesitate. “She was there physically most of the time, but not really. I also have a brother, but he also chose a different path.” I keep it as vague as possible.
“I’m sorry,” she says.
“Me too,” I say.
We sit in silence for a minute before she speaks again.
“What if we end up like them?” she asks. “Our mothers.”
It’s weird hearing one of my own biggest fears come from her mouth. It’s terrifying, yet comforting, because I don’t feel alone in it. The truth is, I wonder the same thing every day. But I have to believe that I won’t. I’m not my mother, just like I know for damn sure that Ellie will never be hers.
“Our parents don’t define who we are,” I tell her. “Only we can do that. All of our decisions are our own, and we can choose who we want to be.” I speak the words to not only her, but also to myself. “So, no. We won’t end up like them.”
“For what it’s worth, you sound nothing like your mom,” Ellie says. “In just the past hour, you’ve been more of a mother to me than my own ever has.” She looks up at me. “I think anyone would be really lucky to have you as a mom, Sawyer. I know I would.”
Tears poke at my eyes, and I blink to force them back. I don’t know why hearing it from her is different from anyone else, but it is.
It’s like, for the first time in my life, I truly believe the words as they’re being spoken.
Maybe it’s because I’ve finally just realized that everything I’ve ever thought a good mother was, might have been wrong. Maybe I don’t need to be the perfectly motherly figure who never curses or makes a dirty joke. I don’t need to bake cookies for bake sales or always smell like fresh lemons.
I don’t need to be scared of stepping into Ellie and Willow’s lives. I just need to be someone who’s there for them. Someone who shows up for them when they need it and someone who fights for them.
I just need to love them unconditionally. And that, I can promise to always do.
I smile down at Ellie as the timer rings, letting us know that our time is up. We jump down from the desk, and Ellie embraces me again, squeezing me tightly. I hug her back without hesitation.
“Thank you, Sawyer,” she whispers.
“Thank you , Ellie,” I say, even though she probably doesn’t understand exactly what I’m thanking her for.
We grab our things, checking out at the front desk before heading outside and calling an Uber to take us back to King’s house. It’s dark out, and the driveway is empty besides King’s car by the time we pull up. We walk up, knocking on the front door since neither of us has any keys or really anything at all besides our phones.
King opens the door a few seconds later, barely letting us step through the door before pulling Ellie into his arms.
“Dad, I’m okay,” Ellie mumbles from where she’s being smushed into his chest.
“Gonna hug you anyway,” he says. “You too.” He reaches out, pulling me into his other side and pressing a kiss on my forehead.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so emotional,” I joke with Ellie.
“Ugh, tell me about it,” she says.
“Ooh, family hug!” Willow yells, running over and latching onto my side.
I laugh, putting my arm around her and pulling her into me.
“Okay, enough,” Ellie says, pushing us all away. “Is it okay if we talk later, Dad? I’m kind of tired.”
“Of course,” he says, and she goes to walk to her room.
“Hey, wait,” I call out, stopping her. “Your birthday isn’t over yet, and you still haven’t opened my presents.” I grin at her.
“Well, I guess I’m not that tired then,” she says, walking over to the couch.
Willow follows her, while King helps me grab the gifts, and we set the boxes down in front of her.
“I totally forgot to get a card, so just pretend I did, and it was one of those super emotional, mushy ones that made you cry, okay?”
“Okay.” She laughs, rolling her eyes as she starts to unwrap the first box.
I watch her eyes widen as she sees what’s inside. She looks over to the next box, quickly unwrapping it, her eyes widening even more.
“No fucking way,” she says, quickly unwrapping the third box.
“Language,” King says. “What is it?” He looks over curiously.
“Everything I’ve ever dreamed of,” she says dramatically.
“It’s equipment for her to produce music,” I tell him.
“Not just any equipment, like real equipment,” Ellie says. “A MIDI controller, an audio interface, and studio headphones.”
“Sounds cool,” Willow says, looking over the equipment.
“This is insane, Sawyer,” Ellie adds.
“It’s no big deal,” I say.
“Yeah, it is,” King says, looking at me with a thankful look in his eyes.
“Well, if you’re gonna be a big-shot music producer one day, you need the equipment to get you started.” I shrug.
Ellie jumps up from her spot on the couch, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me. “Thank you,” she practically squeals. “You’re the best.”
“I do it all for the compliments,” I joke.
“Can I go set it up?” she asks eagerly.
“Yeah, go.” King smiles at her.
She jumps up, balancing the two large boxes in her arms, while yelling at Willow to carefully grab the box with the headphones.
I turn to King as the two of them leave the room, sweeping my legs onto his lap.
“You didn’t have to do that,” he tells me.
“I wanted to.” I shrug.
“You’re really amazing, Sawyer Davis.” He looks at me with undeniable love in his eyes.
And I can’t help but hope he keeps looking at me that way for the rest of my life.