36. Chapter 36
Elowen
Carmella is right about one thing: I can’t get that pro-con list out of my head.
So I have the idea to write my own list. Not to be vindictive, but as a sense of showing Julian exactly how it feels.
If we have a chance at any sort of relationship, we have to move forward, and holding space for that list is the perfect place to start.
After I tell Julian what I want to do, he’s surprisingly okay with it. In fact, the tension in his shoulders disappears as if he agrees with me.
I’m looking for a pen and paper since we haven’t set up the office supplies yet, when Julian offers his laptop in his car.
It’s perfect. I type much faster than I write.
After he grabs it, he returns, handing me the sleek machine.
I place the laptop on top of a stack of boxes that have giant bags of cat food in them and open a Word document.
Julian stands behind me, his presence calming rather than judgmental. Then, I type.
Pros:
He showed up when I didn’t even ask.
He has been more attentive with the children.
His attitude has changed about control.
He carries heavy bags without a word of complaint.
The way he looks at our children.
I pause, my chest tightening. It is easy to list the ways he has changed, but fear still lingers.
Cons:
The “List” where he didn’t actually choose me.
He hates my nose.
I’m afraid that I’ll give him a second chance, only to return to how things were before.
He’s too rigid, which doesn’t bother me, but it does when he pushes that rigidness onto me, Leo, or Meredith.
“Want to talk about it?” he gently asks.
I don’t know the answer, so instead, I ask, “Did you choose business over love?”
“I thought I did, but after that first date, when I spent actual time with you, I quickly fell in love. After that, I thought I could have the best of both worlds: you as my wife and the business.”
“Carmella’s in the same world as you. Business-wise, that is.”
He shakes his head. “Not to your caliber. She’s good at faking it, and while she does have some good connections, she doesn’t have the same drive you do.
She could never have pulled off starting an entire cat sanctuary from scratch.
But you did, and you did it yourself. She would have tossed her money around and hired every single service out. ”
He takes my hand and lightly traces my palm with his fingertip. It takes a second, but I realize he’s drawing the shape of a heart. Goosebumps run down my arms. I’ve always loved soft caresses.
“Like I said the other day,” he continues, “I think I made the list to sort-out my feelings. The logical part of me and the part I wasn’t used to…the part where my feelings showed.”
He stops drawing hearts, but when I whine and thrust my hand back to him, he chuckles and begins again.
Part of me heals through this conversation, but there’s still hurt.
I pull my hand back, and when I do, I avoid his eyes, staring at his shoes instead.
He’s been amazing the past few weeks, and here I am, still avoiding my feelings.
He must sense my hesitation, because he says, “The only good thing about my pro-con list is that it forced me to consider your feelings. To think that I would have forever treated you and our children poorly had someone not called me out on my shit…” He shakes his head.
“Meredith is just like you, and when I imagine some asshole barging into her life and dimming her light to make her smaller…” It’s only then that I bring my gaze to his face.
Small, unshed tears form along his lower eyelashes.
I’ve never seen Julian cry. Ever. Unable to help myself, I place my palm on his jaw.
“You’ve done amazing things, Julian, by loosening your grip.
She’s growing into an amazing girl, and I swear, I can see the stress just fall off Leo.
That in itself is a blessing, and something to be proud of. ”
“But the entire reason he was stressed was because of me. And Meredith is her bright self, despite me.”
“True, but we can only heal and move forward. There’s no going back.”
Something happens then, and more emotion slips through. “You are the best thing that ever happened to me. The best thing that ever happened to me,” he repeats, his voice cracking on the final word.
He sinks onto one of the packing crates, the cardboard groaning under his weight, and pulls me into the space between his knees so I’m standing above him.
He reaches up, covering my hand on his jaw with his own, pressing my palm more firmly against his skin as if he needs the heat of it to stay grounded.
“I looked at that stupid list I wrote,” he says, his gaze dropping to the laptop screen before snapping back to mine.
“I saw what I wrote about your nose.” He let out a ragged breath, the sound catching in his throat.
“I was a coward. I tried to find flaws to protect myself from how much I actually needed you.”
He leans forward, resting his forehead against my stomach, his shoulders shaking. It isn’t a loud sob, just a quiet, devastating tremor.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers into the fabric of my shirt.
“I’m sorry I made you feel small. I’m sorry I was critical of our amazing children instead of supportive.
If you never give me that second chance, if you decide I’m a ‘con’ you can’t live with, I’ll accept it.
I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you and the kids have everything you need from the sidelines.
But please, don’t ever believe a word of that list. You were never a choice between business and love. ”
He goes still then, waiting, his grip on my hand desperate, yet ready to let go the moment I pull away. The rigid, controlled Julian is gone. Rubbing the back of his shoulders, I let him sink into his emotions.
After a few minutes, we separate. Then, not wanting to ponder my list further, I go to save the document, my hand hovering over the trackpad. As the file directory opens, a title catches my eye, nestled in a folder that grabs my attention. It is simply titled, What I love about Elowen.
Curiosity is a physical pull. He said I could use this for my healing, so I ask, “May I open this?”
He glances at the screen and nods. I double-click the file.
The document is long, devoid of the columns and weighted scores I expected. It is a sea of raw text. I begin to read, and the world around me fades until there is only the glow of the screen and his words.
It must take me at least ten minutes to read.
A single tear escapes, blurring the text, but I don’t wipe it away.
I read the words a second time, letting the honesty of his confession sink into the places he once wounded.
I am so absorbed that I forget Julian is there behind me, silent and not pushing.