Chapter 20 Elowyn
ELOWYN
Other than the kitchen, the house was dark, as it usually was at this hour.
While I was supposed to be in bed, I couldn’t. Ever since my parents became Duncan’s guardians, I could hardly sleep at all.
Every night, I’d toss and turn for hours. Even if Barclay made me cry, I’d be up in bed, thinking about Duncan. Wondering.
What was he doing?
Was he texting anyone, and if so, who?
The question that circled my head the most, though, was—if I visited him in his bedroom, would he let me in, just to talk, or would he turn me away?
I was way too shy to test that theory. But I did go looking for him a handful of times over the months he’d been living here. Twice, I found him watching a movie. Once, I was lucky enough to spend a morning with him in the kitchen, just him and me. Other than that…nothing.
As I padded down the stairs, selfishly, I wished my luck would change. Wished I’d bump into him.
But I also couldn’t help hoping he was doing what was best for him. Sleeping. He needed the rest if he wanted to keep his straight A’s and keep his scholarship.
He had to.
Duncan was as brilliant as he was hardworking.
Every morning when I’d come down for breakfast, he’d be on his second coffee with books piled around him.
If I ever woke up earlier than that, he’d be out jogging, so—at least I thought—he’d have the rest of the day to do his homework.
While Barclay played video games, his best friend would be studying.
I admired him. I wanted him to get everything he’d ever dreamed of.
And there was one thing I never told anyone: I wanted Duncan’s happily ever after more than anything. Even more than Barclay staying out of trouble.
“Elowyn?” A hushed, hoarse voice snapped me out of my shameful thoughts.
I looked up, finding Duncan at the top of the stairs. In gray loungewear, he looked as hot as he would’ve in a tux.
The way the Henley clung to his lean muscles, or how the sweatpants sat dangerously low, I could hardly speak. Or breathe. My insides were boiling.
“I—yes.” I cleared my throat, feeling my nipples tightening beneath my nightgown. Crossing my arms over my chest, I ignored the blush creeping up my cheeks. “Yes. It’s me.”
At that, I blushed harder. Ugh, of course it was me.
Duncan didn’t seem to notice my awkwardness. His eyebrows dipped as he ran a hand through his messy hair.
The butterflies in my belly quieted as worry crept in. “You okay?”
His dark eyes sharpened, as if he wasn’t expecting that question.
I loved my brother, but he could be such a jerk sometimes. I would’ve scolded or begged him to be more empathetic toward the grieving Duncan. Sadly, it would’ve been a waste of breath.
With my eyes on Duncan’s, I went down the last steps and motioned for him to follow me to the first floor.
His chest expanded as his gaze darted down the hall, searching. Long seconds passed before he murmured, “Fuck it,” and descended the stairs.
Relief flooded me, though I said nothing. Neither did he.
We didn’t need words. We just stood there in silence. And while I felt small next to him, it was as if he was the one drawing strength from my presence.
Eventually, the lines creasing his forehead smoothed. His expression cleared.
I was so happy that I was about to throw my arms around him, but—no. That would’ve been crossing one too many lines.
“Little moon.” He raised a hand, bringing it an inch from my cheek. A crushing disappointment followed as soon as he dropped it at his side. “What are you doing up?”
“I couldn’t sleep.” It was a struggle to stay where I was. To not lean in and inhale his scent. “It happens.”
He opened his mouth to ask something, probably why?
I stopped him before he could. “You haven’t answered my question. Are you okay?”
“Truth is, I’m not.” His forehead creased again, and this time, mine did too. I didn’t like it when he was upset. “I’m going to fuck up, Elowyn. Badly. Barclay and I both will. I’ll look after him so no one will know, but…”
A scream lodged in my throat. A childish cry that would end in a tantrum.
What did Barclay do now? Why did he have to keep risking Duncan’s scholarship by dragging him into his mess?
“But what?” I gritted out, refusing to let him see what a terrible sister I was.
His jaw clenched. “I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything.”
At that, Duncan’s eyebrows flew up as if my feelings for him hadn’t been obvious. Quickly, he schooled his expression into a hardened one.
It shouldn’t have made my knees buckle, how handsome he was when he was broody.
The fluttering in my stomach, the heat between my thighs, I was obsessed.
Then I remembered we were having a serious conversation. I had to cut it out.
“In case what we have planned goes…wrong.” He stepped closer. My body was on fire as I tipped my chin up higher to look at him. “Promise me you’ll remember the good things about me—err, about Barclay and me. Not just the bad stuff.”
“Bad stuff?” My throat felt raw. Scratchy. Every hint of desire had evaporated from me. “What bad stuff?”
Heavy footsteps echoed above us. Probably Barclay going to the bathroom.
We both knew he’d go right back to bed. My brother loved to sleep.
Duncan stilled anyway. His shoulders hunched up, and he tilted his body to stand between me and the stairs. Eventually, once the house quieted again, and it was just the two of us, Duncan turned to me.
“Just…” He sighed. “Say you will, okay? Can you do that for me?”
“Please, it’s not worth it.” My eyebrows shot down, anger and concern mixing within me. “Whatever it is, it’s not.”
A glower I didn’t understand darkened his features. “Promise. Me.”
I couldn’t say no to him. Which was why, reluctantly, I whispered, “Yes,” and meant it.
The memory loosens its grip, and I lift my eyes to Duncan.
The man standing in front of me now is older, harder, nothing like the boy I once knew, and yet unmistakably the same.
The one I couldn’t ever forget, who I couldn’t hate.
Even on the darkest days.
Even when I missed him and resented him for leaving.
I never went back on my word. I always thought the best of him. Fuck, I wanted him so much that I stayed loyal when I had every right not to.
After all this time, he thinks a few words are enough to make me turn my back on him? He’s sending me away to think about what he said?
How dare he.
“Stop talking to me like that. Like I could ever hate you. I remember all the good things.” My teeth grit.
Tears line my eyes. “Always have, Duncan, but here you are. Doubting my feelings for you. After I specifically told you, I wouldn’t have let another man touch me.
I…” I love you. “For God’s sake, I was gagged, fucked, and had an orgasm so strong I nearly fainted.
I think I’m owed a second or two to respond.
Not this. Not to be told time and time again that I’m going to hate you. ”
“Elowyn…” His lips part, shock flashing over his face. “Your promise. You’ve kept it.”
“Of course I have.” As choked up as I am, I have to talk.
Have to make him listen. “Yes, there were times when I was so”—my voice breaks, and the damn tears slip, wetting my cheeks—“so fucking alone. I was mad at you for not being there. You weren’t responsible for Barclay or me, but I-I needed you. I couldn’t do it by myself.”
“Little moon. But you did.” With a tortured expression, Duncan yanks me into the tightest embrace. “And you’re right; I should’ve been there. I’m so sorry. So sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I won’t be comforted. Won’t be silenced.
I have more to say. Which is why I wiggle, trying to break free.
I fail, growling when he just looks down at me without letting me go.
“You’d already done more than enough, more than we ever deserved.
I missed you. I needed you. But I always knew we were never your burden to carry.
That’s why I never let bitterness swallow me.
Why I held on to the good parts of you. That’s why I could never, ever hate you. ”
“That was before…” His gaze shuts down right before my eyes. “It was easier to see the good in me when you didn’t know I murdered a man.”
Oh, hell no. I’m not letting him feel bad about this. “You were justified.”
“You think I was?”
“Yes.”
“And what about when I was an asshole to you?” As if trying to convince me he’s a monster, he curls his fingers around my throat. Squeezes. “Can you look me in the eye and say I was justified then?”
“You weren’t, but I don’t blame you. I’ve been just as big of an asshole for not calling. For not fighting for what I wanted.” I lean forward, clutching his neck, dragging him down until our faces are inches apart. “That’s all in the past now.”
“It isn’t. Not all of it. See, I’d been selfish.” His eyes flare. “Had been looking out for myself.”
“Before you explain, you need to know this.” I’m done jumping to conclusions. Done with half-truths.
“What?”
“I won’t leave even after you’ve told me everything.”
He blinks, the corners of his mouth ticking up in the softest smile.
Then he starts.
“I’m sure you remember your brother caught us kissing.” A growl reverberates in his chest. “And that by the time you woke up, I was gone.”
“I do,” I breathe out, determined to put the past behind me as fast as possible.
“It was because of him. Barclay gave me an ultimatum.” Duncan pauses, his tone deadly. “Leave town for good, or stay there and fight for you like I’d told him I would.”
Emotion wells in my chest. I’m warm for a second.
Murderous the next. “What else?”
“If I chose to fight for you, he said he would’ve turned me in to the authorities.” The confession is a slap in the face. A kick, a punch, a stab. “I was poor. Your family had a lot of pull other than wealth. And though we were both equally guilty, who would’ve taken my word over Barclay’s?”