28. Blue
28
BLUE
I open my eyes to distant, unfamiliar sounds. It must be nighttime. It s dark and for a panicked moment, I think I m back in the trunk of that car. That within moments, Wyatt Hoxton will haul me out. But no, my brain catches up. It s not pitch black where I am. I m not lying in the hard trunk of a car. I m in a bed. My head lies on a pillow and the mattress beneath my body is soft. My head hurts and my body feels bruised and beaten. Am I still at the guest house? Did I fall asleep in all that commotion? That insanity?
No. It smells different here.
What happened? Where am I?
Girard sent me with Ines to change clothes. I remember that. I can still see Ines applying and re-applying blood-red lipstick before her vanity as I changed. She looked so strange, so wrong. And then the men took us to the guest house.
I see my father in that cage. He looked like an animal, hands clutched around the bars, panicked, eyes wild.
He s dead. I know he s dead.
Zeke had been inside the house. He d come for me. What had he said, though? I wasn t Society. The guard had dragged me away and then what?
Then the explosion.
I bolt upright. Zeke!
Movement from the corner has me panicking, has me leaping off the bed, but my legs are tangled in the blanket, and I am trapped. Where am I? Where the fuck am I?
Blue. Blue, it s okay. It s Zeke, he says, approaching quickly. You re safe. You re safe. A hand closes over my shoulder, and I hear a click. I panic but soft light illuminates the room. The click was the light switch not a gun.
I look up at Zeke. His face is dirty in places, and he has cuts on his face and arms. When he pulls me to him, he smells of fire and smoke.
It all comes back to me then. Like a flood, a tidal wave, it all rushes back. Everything, all of it, from the moment Girard stepped on the airplane to when he sent me away, when Zeke told him to send me away. That I wasn t Society and I d spoil his live stream. He knew what Girard would do. I knew too. I felt what it was to kneel before that block. To have my arm stretched across it, my wrist exposed to his ax.
Panicked, I draw back. I touch him, feel his arms, hold his hands. Feel for his fingers. Only when I do, do I exhale.
You re all right, I say.
More or less. All fingers and toes accounted for.
I look up at his soot stained, still-bruised face. It s healing. His forehead is furrowed, concern in his eyes.
Where am I? I ask.
Hospital. You inhaled a lot of smoke. You ve been out for a while.
How long?
About twelve hours.
Twelve hours. I push a hand into my hair. The soldiers, from my window I could see what they were doing. They were emptying explosives from their vans and placing them in the main house, then in the guest house. Then they started to leave. All those vans driving away calm and orderly, no panicked rush. It was a calculated exit. I saw what they were doing but I couldn t call out to you. They put me at the back of the house.
I know.
How did you get to me?
I did. That s all that matters.
No, that s not all, but I m not ready to pursue that. What did he do in the end? I ask instead.
He killed Augustus.
I nod. I can guess how. My father?
Dead.
Did he… How?
Bullet. It was quick.
Did he deserve quick? I m not sure. But that block, the terror of it, it makes me shudder thinking of it now.
It s over, Blue. After he killed Augustus, he left. Walked away with Ines and left rubble in his wake.
I scrub my face, see the cuts on the backs of my hands. I look down at myself, drawing the blanket away to see the bruises and scrapes on my legs.
You re okay too, more or less, he says.
I look up at him, see his small smile, and I smile too.
Zeke takes my face in his hands. I must be crying because he s doing that thing he does, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. Don t think about it, Blue. There s nothing to be gained by that. It was justice. Cruel, but no less so than what happened to him, what happened to you and Wren.
I draw a deep breath in. He s right. But that s not why I m crying.
Why did you come? I ask, taking his hands from my face and holding them because I need some opening or some closure.
Don t be stupid.
I knew where the drive was, and I didn t tell you.
I know.
It was the only way. To give it to him, I mean. It was the only way I could save you.
I know that too.
I didn t think… I didn t know what he d do but I couldn t take a chance that Augustus would hurt you or your family because he definitely would.
How did you hide it when Augustus s men came to the house?
I put the drive and Girard s card in the fireplace. Covered them with ash. I was going to tell you where it was but when you said you d send me away, I had no choice. I didn t want to lie to you, but I had to.
I know, Blue, but the danger you put yourself in. I can t think about what might have happened to you. My mind keeps imagining?—
Stop imagining. I m here.
He pulls his hands from mine and walks to the window. I watch him. He s quiet for a long minute before he closes his eyes and draws a deep breath in, seeming to make up his mind. He turns back to me.
You could have died, Blue. He could have killed you on that plane. He could have killed you in his house. He could have killed you a thousand times over.
It was the only way, Zeke. I get up off the bed and walk to him, my bare feet cold on the tile floor. I reach up to touch his face, my eyes wet with warm tears. You told me I shouldn t care about you, but I do. I don t have a choice. I think in a way it started that first night when you sewed up my hand. So stupid. I shake my head at my own na?ve longing, my loneliness. And then everything else… I don t know. Maybe I m stupid and there s definitely something wrong with me, but I couldn t live with myself if something had happened to you. I couldn t?—
What about me, Blue? he asks more forcefully, facing me fully and taking my face in his hands. Is he angry? What about what I couldn t live without? The raw emotion in his voice, his eyes, stops me dead. What about that? he finishes, angry.
I don t… It was the only way?—
What if you d died? he says through clenched teeth.
I didn t die.
What if I hadn t been there and he d— he cuts himself off and I m not sure either of us has realized that he walked me backward until we re out of space when my back hits the wall. He searches my face as if needing to prove that it s real. I m real.
I m here, Zeke. I m alive. I m here, I say, my hands over the backs of his.
He bends his head, his forehead coming to mine. He closes his eyes. I couldn t live without you. I can t… Live without you.
My heartbeats are thuds, the only sound that of blood pounding my ears. His pain is so raw. So visceral. I remember what I d said to him, that all those emotions inside him are drowning him.
Zeke. I touch his face, tears toppling over my lashes.
He opens his eyes again and I tilt my head back to look up at him.
I told you I can t make love… he starts, then trails off.
I shake my head, caress his face, reach up on tiptoe to kiss his mouth. You re wrong. You re so wrong, you dummy.
His eyes mist over softening that steely gray making them even more depthless. What have you done to me, Blue?
I smile through my tears, wipe my nose with the back of my hand before kissing him fully on the mouth. I loved you, Zeke. I love you.