Chapter 36 #2
“I wasn’t going to give you the pearl at first,” Steeler said quietly, his head angled down to meet my eyes.
“I found one when I was hunting for food a few days after my magic exploded and I landed up near the lighthouse. I kept it with me because it reminded me of the dress you wore when you first came over to the Mind Manipulating house.” A smile lifted up one of his cheeks before a frown dropped it again.
“But as soon as I realized how much this whole experience had altered your mind—and how much I would have to keep altering it—I knew I had to give it to you as a way to help your subconscious deal with the repeated memory loss. A way to prove to you that you weren’t crazy, that the holes in your mind were there.
My hope was that they would be significant to you, but not significant enough for the Good Council to pick up on it and punish you for our repeated meetings. ”
I could hardly get my breath to move along in my lungs after seeing all that.
“It—it worked.” I rubbed a hand across my throat, trying to unclog the lump in there. “It helped me keep track of the gaps.”
Among other things. Like how many times I should have driven my knife through his heart by now. But when I thought about my tally, I found something else burning in the background behind that revenge and hatred it had always stood for, too.
Something I didn’t want to confront just yet.
“Rayna,” Steeler began, urgency creeping over his tone, “I know you won’t ever forgive me, but I want to say it anyway.
I’m…” He clawed a hand through his hair.
“I’m not sorry that I led you to keep believing I’m a monster, because I am.
I’m not sorry that I’ve made some messed-up choices to keep you safe, because I’m fucking messed up, and I won’t deny that.
But I am sorry that I kept you locked away in my little lair of protection without ever considering the fact that keeping you in the dark was hurting you more than any outside threat.
I’m sorry I didn’t trust that you’re just as formidable as all the things I feared might want to snatch you away. ”
I’m learning how to trust the other parts of you that aren’t as soft, he’d told me earlier. Which meant that even though he didn’t think of himself as forgivable, he was still willing to change.
His mouth parted as if he wanted to say something, and I moved before I could think—because in here, within Steeler’s mind, every action was a thought.
Taking a step closer, I raised my hands to his face.
My thumbs found the tip of his fangs, and I sucked in a breath at the feel of those sharpened points I’d only imagined until now.
Ever so slowly, I moved them up along the slopes while the rest of my fingers landed gently on his jawline to anchor myself to him.
Steeler had gone rigid, his chest frozen mid-breath, his eyes bursting with both ravenous hunger and…
. confusion. Shock. Maybe even a little fear.
This was different from me getting on my knees for him, somehow.
I could suck his cock all I wanted and still be able to call it a release of hatred, but if I let my lips do what they truly burned to do and fit my mouth against his…
Steeler threaded one of his hands through my hair, holding the back of my neck and drawing me closer to him. So close that I could see the constellations in his eyes.
And… no.
No, no, no.
The last time I’d done this, the last time I’d let my lips get this close to him, we’d fused together only for me to open my eyes against nothing but mist and emptiness.
If I kissed him now, he could leave. If I kissed him now, I might blink awake to find myself back in my bed in my Wild Whisperer room, with nothing in my hands but a fistful of blankets.
And despite that tally, despite the ache and anger he’d left like handprints all over me, I didn’t want this male to leave me again. I wouldn’t be able to focus on my next task at hand with that kind of heartbreak cracking through me once more.
“Rayna…” Steeler breathed against me.
I exhaled and pulled back.
As violently as if I’d shocked him, he let go of my hair.
“So…” I said, hating the sudden wrenching feeling of separation but forcing a coy smile onto my face as if I didn’t. Anything to get back to small talk, to smear that almost moment away. “You remember the very first dress I wore, huh?”
Hurt and shame and disappointment seemed to be rolling off him, but he just said, eyes tacked to mine, “I remember everything you’ve ever put on, actually.” The look in his eyes told me he remembered everything I’d ever taken off, too, even if I couldn’t.
“Good,” I said, still trying to play it casual. I threw a glance up at the swirling Cosmos of his mind to reorient myself. “You know my size, then. I might have you get me some more after I have to trudge through swamps to get… what was it? Poison dart frog eggs?”
Barberro had given me a hefty list of herbs, bones, and other distinctly strange or deadly items to procure for Nara’s poison concoction. And while yes, I was a Wild Whisperer, I didn’t fancy the idea of trying to convince a swarm of hornets to squirt their venom into a jar for me.
Steeler gave a half-grin, apparently accepting the turn of the conversation. “Why do the dirty work when the shadiest of the Cardina peddlers do it for you?”
Ah, right. The Cardina peddlers came to the Esholian Institute at the start of every wet season, which meant they were due to arrive any day now. I lifted my eyebrows, though.
“You seriously think the Cardina peddlers will just happen to be carrying around ingredients to kill Dyonisia Reeve?”
Steeler shrugged. “I’ve seen the Cardina peddlers selling mushrooms that could keep a grown man high for two weeks straight.
Plus, they don’t know alchemy like Nara does.
I bet they don’t even know the power of what they sell.
So yes, I do think they’ll be carrying all the ingredients you need—in fact, I’ll bet you on it.
” He stretched out a large, calloused hand.
I considered that hand and hated myself for immediately wishing it could be threaded through my hair again. Or somewhere—anywhere—else on my body. “What do I get if I win?”
“Whatever you want.”
I squinted up at him, more than suspicious at how serious his tone sounded. “And what do you get if you win?”
“You’ll have to wait and find out, little hurricane.” He had the audacity to wink at me then. “But I promise it’ll be good.”
I couldn’t help myself anymore.
I reached out and grabbed hold of his hand, melting into the warmth of his callouses as his fingers closed around mine.
“You’re on.”