Chapter 20
Chapter
Twenty
ZOE
We’re back at Connor’s house in Coynston, and so far, he hasn’t let me set foot out of it, even though my stalker’s dead and gone. It feels heavy-handed, which is one of the things that I both like and hate about his style of boyfriending.
“C,” I exclaim when he’s so focused on the newspaper that he doesn’t even hear me say his name the first time.
He looks up from the paper. “Baby, do not raise your voice when I’m two feet away.”
I purse my lips. “I want to talk to you right now.”
C’s gaze rakes over me, and I just know he’s considering whether he wants to punish me for getting mouthy. This is one of the two main things I need to talk to him about. I take a reflexive step back.
He closes the paper and leans back, folding his arms across his chest. I practically squirm under the scrutiny.
“But,” I say. “If now’s not a good time, we can talk when I get back.” Glancing at the clock, I see it’s nine. The other guys will be arriving in a few minutes to work.
“Now’s fine, and you’re not going out until I’m done working and can take you myself. Figure out where you want to eat dinner later if you don’t feel like cooking.”
I actually love cooking, but I’m not settling back into the routine of cooking for him until some things are settled.
“Rachel and I planned to work this morning at her house. It’s right on the property. You can’t object to that.”
“And yet…”
“C!”
“Rachel can come here. Invite Laurelyn to come by later, too. It’s been a while since we all had lunch together.”
I swallow and blow out a breath, trying not to glare at him. “Slow down, Connor.”
His brow rises, challenging me to keep going the way I’m going.
“C, listen. I came home with you because I miss you and want to try to work on things. But you’ve turned it into something I didn’t intend—at least not yet.
” I clasp my hands together behind me and stand up straighter.
“Before I left you, I didn’t like how quickly you resorted to punishments if I got wound up.
I started to feel like you were putting me into a box that was shrinking all the time.
I might play a pet in bed, but I don’t want to be one full-time. ”
He licks his lips. “Tell me how else things could work? When you start screaming and throwing things, I’m supposed to stand there and take it? Not gonna happen, baby.”
“Not throwing things…I know that’s going too far. But if I’m upset and get animated, it doesn’t always have to end in a caning! It was happening too often.”
“And that’s my fault? You were the one who let frustration get the best of you on the regular.”
“I want you to reset things.”
“I tried telling you to calm down. I don’t recall that ever working.”
He’s right. At the end, I was terrible at managing my escalating emotions, but I think I’ve gotten a better handle on processing my feelings now.
“You could just say you can’t talk to me when I’m so upset and then walk away.
Sometimes when I was angry, you just stared at me like I was being ridiculous, and that was so infuriating.
It made it harder to calm down, especially when I felt strongly that I had a right to be frustrated.
Why should I think it’s okay that Sasha and Trick love their girlfriends more than you love me?
You even made me help Trick get Laurelyn on board with C Crue’s wild ways because he wanted to marry her.
How was that fair to me when you knew I was hurt by your telling me I wasn’t ready for marriage myself? ”
“I figured as my girlfriend, Trick’s friend, and the C Crue queen bee, you should help when we needed it. Obviously, a mistake. It won’t happen again.”
“That’s not what I mean!”
“Zoe,” he says in a warning tone.
I ball my fists, forcing myself to take deep breaths and count silently to five.
When I speak again, I lower my voice. “I want to help you and our friends when things come up. But you didn’t ask for my help.
You put me in that position without asking, and when I tried to show you how upset I was, you acted like I’d just have to get over it.
That is not fair. You have to be willing to meet me halfway. ”
“I do? What are you trying to tell me? That if I don’t propose, we’re not getting back to normal?”
“No,” I say, frowning. “That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m just telling you that if my feelings are hurt, I have a right to express that without having to worry about the cane being pulled out because I’m being extra when I’m so upset.”
He frowns and rubs the back of his neck.
“Baby, I love you. The last thing I ever want to do is add pain on top of suffering. But you were a lot to handle some days at the end. To me, it started to feel like you were just throwing tantrums because I wouldn’t cave in.
I legit believed we were not ready to get married.
I’m not interested in racing down the aisle to keep up with Trick and Anvil.
Their lives would not make me happy. And you’re just starting out.
I’m proud as hell of what you’ve accomplished so far.
I think if you made choices that derailed your ambitious plans for yourself, you’d regret it later.
Marriage isn’t always all it’s cut out to be.
‘Vil and Trick did not know what they were getting into. It seems to be working out for them, and I hope it does, but do I think they really know what they’re doing?
Hell no. Anvil was raised by an alcoholic single mother.
And all Trick’s got is a kid’s view of his parents’ marriage, which even he knows wasn’t ideal in plenty of ways. ”
I sit down, facing him. I really like hearing he’s proud of me, and that he thinks my career is going places, but I’m surprised he’s so negative about marriage in general.
He kept saying I was too young, which I took personally, since Rachel is just as young and she’s married already.
C never said he thought she was too young to marry Sasha, but now I realize that may have been because he didn’t feel like it was any of his business to say so.
“C, what did you think I wanted our marriage to be like? I wasn’t planning on having kids right away.
Like you, I wonder how having them so fast is going to work out for our friends.
They seem really happy about it so far, but I already know Rachel’s working harder than me to juggle things.
Anvil loves Irina, but he definitely isn’t the one taking care of her most of the time.
That’s on Rachel, for sure. Though he is very supportive of her career.
They’re making it work, and both of them are so happy.
I’m surprised you don’t expect things to work out long-term. ”
“Things change. And that’s not just because of kids, though kids are definitely the biggest game-changer.
What I’m saying is that marriage changes things for everyone.
It can ruin a good thing. I’ve known people who regretted getting married.
I’m not the same guy I was at twenty-two.
Why would I expect you to be the same person a decade from now?
Things between us are great, but it’s still early days.
That doesn’t mean I’m not invested. It pisses me off to hear you say you think the reason I’m not ready to marry you is because I don’t love you enough.
That’s such bullshit, Z. How can you say that? ”
I take his hand and hold it between mine.
“I’m sorry. I know you love me. It was just that Sasha and Rachel got together after us and so did Trick and Laurelyn.
You’re just as decisive as Anvil or Trick, so it felt like if you were holding back on taking our relationship to the next level, it was because you didn’t want me for the long-term. ”
“Baby,” he says, shaking his head. “That’s not true.
I want us to last.” He presses his lips together, then blows out a breath.
“My mom regretted getting married as young as she did. I heard her say it more than once. But by the time she wanted to leave, she knew too much about my dad’s business.
He basically said the only way she was leaving the marriage was if she died. ”
I grimace. “God, that’s awful.”
“Yeah, fucking miserable, and not just for her. That’s the reason I don’t tell you details about my work and why I promised you could leave if you want to.
Though maybe that last promise was a mistake.
Let’s just say, you used up your right to leave over an existential crisis.
From now on, if you don’t know what you want out of life, you’ll have to sort that out in your free time while you’re living here.
Plenty of inmates find religion and get jailhouse law degrees.
A change of mindset doesn’t require a change of address. ”
I laugh. “That you liken my circumstances to jail is telling, C.”
He smirks.
“Thank you for talking to me about this. It’s made me feel better.”
“I can’t see why doom and gloom feels better.”
“It helps to know that you have reservations about the institution of marriage, not about me personally. And your concerns make sense. You’re right that my life is going to change a lot.
It already has. That doesn’t mean our feelings for each other will change, too.
I don’t think they’ll change so much that we won’t want to be together, but if that’s what you think, we’ll have to wait and see. ” I kiss his hand.
We hear the front door open and Trick and Anvil’s voices as they enter.
“The guys are here,” I say. “So now that we’ve talked and see eye-to-eye on things, is it okay with you if I go over to Rachel’s?”
“No.” His hand cups the side of my face, and he gives me a kiss. “I told you what to do.”
“You didn’t like the house empty, did you?”
“I didn’t like the house being empty of you. No.”
That makes me smile, and I slide my arms around his neck. “All right, meu amor, I’ll stay right here.”