Chapter 23
Martin had spent the last four hours in a coffee shop in Berlin. There, he’d sipped iced coffees, ate both a roast beef sandwich and two cookies, and worked. The internet was good there. Almost as good as in his office.
In between emails, video conference calls, and texts, he people-watched. There was a lot to see, and it was mildly entertaining to watch the dynamics of the people chatting nearby.
Every so often one of the workers would stop by to see if he wanted a refill or to collect his trash.
It was all very pleasant. He wasn’t the only person camped out in a back table making use of it. Far from it.
However, Martin was pretty sure that he was the only one who’d been there three days in a row. Not only were his coffee bills beginning to edge out of control, working this way wasn’t sustainable. He knew that.
But for some reason, he couldn’t bear to drive back to Cleveland. Not yet.
Each day, when he finally loaded his laptop in his car, he was more than ready to go back to his grandparents’ house.
He needed to have conversations in person with people he cared about.
Or to be put to work in the barn. The first day, his grandfather obliged, and he’d spent two hours cleaning stalls. Yesterday, he’d played cards with Beth.
As he drove back to the farm, Martin wondered who he’d see that afternoon. Maybe Kesley and Richard would stop by. Or Jonny and Treva. He needed that interaction. He was used to working in an office and chatting with other guys about the latest ball game.
And, of course, he was trying very hard not to see Patti.
After stopping by the store for a couple of sodas for his dawdi, he felt dismayed when he walked inside. The kitchen was completely quiet.
Actually, the entire house was quiet. That was probably a welcome change for his grandparents but strange for him to get used to. Unless they were gone, too? Dismay filled him. Now what was he going to do? “Mommi? Dawdi?” he called out. “Is anyone home?”
“We’re in here, Martin.”
Glad to hear his grandfather’s voice, he strode to the living room.
They were both sitting in their matching recliners in front of the fireplace.
His grandfather had a library book on his lap, and his grandmother was looking at a magazine.
They both had cups of coffee on the table positioned in between their chairs.
They looked completely at ease and at peace.
Kind of the opposite of how he was feeling.
His grandmother was the first to remove her reading glasses. “Martin, you’re back a little early today.”
“Am I? I didn’t notice.”
“Hmm. How was your day? Did you get a lot of work done?”
“Yes. I was at the Big Chill in Berlin again.” He sat down on the couch. “Where is Beth?”
“She went over to see Treva and Jonny this afternoon. She mentioned she might stay there for supper.”
“Really? I didn’t know she was going over there.” He would have tagged along.
“She came home from Walden Wax Works looking as if she had a bee in her bonnet. I think she was hoping the two of them could give her both a willing ear and a bit of advice.”
“What was wrong?”
“I couldn’t say.” Mommi’s eyes were bright with amusement. “If I had to guess, I’d say her prickly mood had a lot to do with Junior Lambright.”
“Why? Is he not treating her well? I hope she told him that she doesn’t need to put up with an attitude.”
Dawdi chuckled. “Come now, Martin. When has your sister ever been shy about telling people what she thinks?”
“Never.”
“She’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”
“I won’t.” When his grandfather continued to stare, he added, “I’m a little surprised that Beth didn’t reach out to me. I could have taken her to Jonny’s haus. Or talked to her about this Junior guy.”
“Or tagged along to see Jonny and Treva?” Mommi murmured.
“Yes.” Embarrassment washed over him. He was being both needy and selfish. Two attributes he wasn’t proud of.
To his surprise, neither of his grandparents appeared ready to chastise him.
“Just because you are the oldest doesn’t mean you have all the answers, true?” Dawdi murmured in a mild tone.
“True. Sorry. I’m trying to act as if I’m needed, but the truth is I think I might be the needy one.”
“If it helps, I think Beth needed to hear some relationship advice,” Mommi said. “Since both Jonny and Kelsey are happily married, it seems reasonable to reach out to them.”
“That is true. Wait. About who? Kiran?”
“No, dear. I think it might be her new boss.”
“So this Junior guy means something to her?” When his grandparents exchanged looks again, he sighed. “Wow. I hope she knows what she’s doing.”
“I wouldn’t worry about Beth too much,” Mommi said. “She is stronger than you think and has a way of figuring things out in the end.”
“I hope so.”
“You are a good and faithful brother. You’ve looked after Jonny, Kelsey, and Beth most of your entire life.”
“I tried my best, but we all helped each other.” That wasn’t modesty talking, either. They all had helped each other in multiple ways.
“I agree, but all three of them have shared about how much they appreciate you.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“Which means, son, that it’s time for you to focus on yourself.”
“I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing lately. I mean, I moved back to Cleveland. I think I might be the only one who doesn’t become Amish. That was pretty selfish, too.”
“No, it isn’t,” Mommi said.
“Making the best decision for your future isn’t a failure, son. That is being true to yourself.”
“I suppose, but it still feels as if I’ve crossed a boundary that didn’t used to be there.”
“Only if you see it as one,” Dawdi said. “Don’t forget that your grandmother and I loved you just as much when we were positive you would remain in Cleveland.”
“Love has a way of overlooking problems, doesn’t it?”
Mommi frowned. “I’d say that love has a way of accepting each other’s problems and quirks.”
“Yes. That’s a much better way of looking at love.”
“Which brings us to Patti,” Dawdi announced.
Martin was tempted to roll his eyes. Nothing had brought Patti into the conversation except his grandparents. And he really didn’t want to discuss Patti with them.
“You guys . . .”
“It’s time to talk about it, Martin. Past time.”
Mommi’s focus on him felt laser sharp. Or, maybe it was more the case of him feeling vulnerable. He was so very vulnerable where Patti was concerned. “There’s not much to say about Patti.”
“Of course there is.”
“We know you love her, Martin,” his grandfather chided. “That’s no secret.”
“I do love her.”
“How does Patti feel?” Mommi asked.
“She loves me, too.” Before either of them could say a word, he rushed on. “But it doesn’t really matter if we’re in love, because a relationship isn’t possible for us.” He shook his head. “No, that’s not quite true. The relationship that I want to have with her isn’t possible.”
Looking pained, his grandmother said, “Forgive me, but I think you’re overlooking the fact that you two are already in a relationship.”
“You’re right, but it’s not a good one.” Not for her, anyway. Taking a deep breath, he said. “It’s all my fault, too.”
“You sure about that?” Dawdi asked.
“I’m positive.” He got to his feet. “Dawdi, I put Patti in a terrible position. An impossible one.”
“Because she’s already been baptized.”
“Yes. I can’t believe I’ve been so selfish.”
His grandmother sighed. “What did Patti say?”
“Not much. Even though she loves me, but she also doesn’t want to break her vow.” Unable to remain seated, he jumped to his feet. “And the problem is that I knew she would feel torn, but I fell in love with her, anyway.”
“I don’t think your heart is any stronger than the rest of the population, Martin,” Mommi chided. “One can’t help falling in love.”
“I agree, but I could have kept my feelings to myself.”
His grandfather grunted. “Do you really think it would have helped for her to not know how you felt?”
“I don’t know.” He ran his hands through his short hair, fighting the urge to tug on the strands.
Maybe if he felt a little bit of pain in his scalp it would make his heartache easier to bear.
“We came to an agreement of sorts.” Remembering how their conversation had eased some of the tension but hadn’t exactly alleviated their pain, he added, “I don’t know if it helped all that much, though. ”
“Poor Patti.”
“Yeah.” Fighting back the urge to pull on his hair again, Martin turned to face them.
“I wanted to stay here for a while to check on Beth. I didn’t want her to doubt that I supported her.
But with everything that’s going on with Patti, it might be best if I leave.
” And . . . here he was again. Pretending that he was looking out for everyone else when what he was really doing was looking out for himself.
“I don’t know if you leaving here is going to make Patti feel better, Martin,” Dawdi replied after a moment. “Since you’ve been able to work at the coffee shops, I think it might be a better choice to stay here until the two of you talk some more.”
He wished he could see life as clearly as his grandparents, but the fact of the matter was that he knew that life was complicated. “Dawdi, as much as I want to move here and be Amish for Patti, I . . . I just can’t.”
“You’re right, son. You can’t change who you are. I don’t think you should, either. The man you’ve become is a good one. All of us are proud of you. Your grandmother and me, your sisters and Jonny, and your parents.”
Both relieved and touched by his grandfather’s words, Martin felt a lump form in his throat. “Thanks, Dawdi.”
Mommi leaned forward. “I think that Patti is proud of you, too.”
His grandmother’s expression was kind. Gentle and loving. But that didn’t make sense.
They were supposed to be reminding him of how important their baptismal vows were.
They were supposed to be upset. Maybe even reminding him that everything would be okay if he would change his life like Jonny and Kelsey had done.
Even though he was filled with hurt and confusion, he forced himself to speak the truth. “Patti can’t be proud of me if I’m breaking her heart and making her upset.”
“Perhaps it’s time to let her make the next move,” Mommi said. “And yes, I do think that there is another move to make.”
Dawdi nodded. “Just like in a game of chess, sometimes a player is blind to the best option.”
“Or they lose,” Martin said.
His grandfather smiled. “Jah. But it’s time you started looking at the bright side of things, ain’t so? The Lord has your best interests at heart. Let Him bear the load for a spell.”
“I fear that will be easier said than done.”
“Of course it will be,” Dawdi said with a touch of impatience in his voice.
Martin sat up a little bit straighter. What had he just said wrong? “Okay.”
“Don’t stress, child. You’re misunderstanding what your grandfather means.
” Mommi waited a beat, then continued. “Everything in life is easy when it’s only talked about.
That’s why it’s so easy to dispense advice to other people.
” Getting to her feet, she stared at him.
“It’s the doing that matters, Martin. It matters more because it’s difficult.
Doing something right and meaningful is much, much harder than simply talking about it. ”
The words were hard to hear, but ironically, even though his mind wanted to ignore his grandparents’ advice, his heart was urging him to rush over to Patti’s side.
He knew right then and there that there was only one thing to do.
“I get it now. I need to do some praying and figure out how I can make things work out with Patti.” Swallowing hard, he added, “Or come to terms with the fact that she and I might be headed toward a happily ever after one day, but it might not be with each other.”
When his grandparents only gazed at him with sad, understanding eyes, he relaxed at last.
They didn’t have all the answers.
But they did have the things he’d needed—hope, love, and advice. They had those in spades. He’d gotten what he came for.