CHAPTER 28
KENDRICK
I’m not sure I’ve ever explained the breakdown of my family to anyone. I’ve never said the words out loud. I’ve never found a moment in my life when it was important to tell someone about my situation.
But feeling the way Brevan stiffened in my arms as Natalia screamed at me again, I reached my limit. In that second, I knew I was about to lose him. He was going to bolt out the door and think the wrong thing as he walked out of my life.
That was the first time I’d ever lowered myself to Natalia’s level. The first time in our entire relationship, the entire time we’ve known each other, that I’ve raised my voice at her. However, my situation with Natalia is going to need to wait.
Right now, I need to make sure that Brevan understands my situation, so he’ll choose to stay. No matter how much it hurts to talk about.
“I would like to tell you it was just my physical absence in their lives that resulted in my children not wanting to have a relationship with me. It wasn’t something they ever said outright.
It was in our phone calls. Their complete disinterest was…
rough. All these years later, it’s still rough.
I used to call daily and then weekly. I continued to call weekly right until my youngest graduated from high school.
Now it’s time for me to accept that they’re adults, and as adults, if they don’t want me in their lives, then I’m not going to force them to accept me. ”
Brevan shakes his head a little, but I don’t stop. I’m not ready for him to talk yet. I need him to hear it all.
“My oldest son spent the week here with Martha, and it was the first time I’ve seen one of my kids outside of their graduations.
They didn’t want me around, so I didn’t come around.
I’d hoped that Seth’s visit—because he arrived a few days before we left for Iceland—meant we could reconnect.
Maybe we did a little. But something I’ve suspected all along was confirmed.
I think Natalia is the reason my kids don’t want me around.
I know for a fact now that Natalia at least rants about this divorce to Seth, who has inadvertently confirmed the lies she spreads in anger.
I can only imagine how long she’s complained about me.
About my absence. Maybe about choosing my job over my kids and family as a way to vilify me in my absence.
The way Seth mentioned a few things she’s said while we were away leads me to believe this was a common occurrence. ”
“That’s shit,” Brevan says, and I’m surprised he sounds angry. My breath catches when he pulls away. “What kind of person does that?”
“I didn’t mean to walk out on my kids,” I try to explain.
He shakes his head. “Not you. Her. Yes, you should have kept driving back to see them, but it’s bullshit that she badmouthed you to them at all.
But it’s also shit that they not only believe her but have decided that they don’t want you in their lives.
I’d give anything to have my parents in my life. Anything at all.”
Tears make his eyes glisten, and he abruptly turns away, squeezing his eyes shut.
I watch, frozen, as he wipes his eyes. “Sorry,” Brevan mutters.
“I hate when kids are stupid, thinking their parents are always going to be there. Some kids don’t get to say goodbye to their parents at all, and here you have three who are acting like idiots because their hateful mother is filling their heads with crap—something they should fucking see by now! ”
I’ve never seen Brevan anything but mellow. He has a calm demeanor about him. His presence makes those around him relax and smile.
This kind of explosion of emotion takes me off guard, and I wonder how long he’s had that building up inside him. I reach for him, bringing him into my chest again. He struggles to stop his tears, but he’s hurting. I have a feeling he’s not used to letting himself feel the hurt.
There aren’t any words I can offer to take away this pain, though. Especially not after so many years of it stewing just under the surface. So I hold him close and let him take all the time he needs.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I didn’t know that was going to happen.”
I kiss his head. “It’s okay. I wish I could take away your hurt.”
His lip trembles, and I hold him a little tighter as fresh tears track down his cheeks. “No offense, Kendrick, but I’d like to slap your kids.”
I laugh and press my face into his hair. “I’m not going to get involved in my wife’s drama game. They’re old enough to ask questions. Old enough to figure out that whatever Natalia may or may not have said, either intentionally or inadvertently overheard, is driven by their mother’s anger.”
“Because you left,” Brevan says.
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “Yes. Because I chose to work here instead of staying in Anaheim. I’m not saying I’m not partly responsible for the dissolution of our marriage.
I most certainly am. However, to think it’s okay in any way to turn our children against me?
To talk shit about me to our kids? To share bullshit lies because she’s angry? ” I shake my head.
“It sounds like she’s been evil long before you asked for a divorce.”
I huff quietly. “She’s not evil. My absence forced her to be a single parent.
She had to handle everything with our kids alone.
I’m not innocent in all this. I know that.
There are a lot of things I should have done differently.
I shouldn’t have stopped going home, first and foremost. I should not have abandoned my kids. ”
“But you didn’t,” Brevan argues. “You said you called all the time.”
“I did, but that’s not the same as being physically present.”
He doesn’t argue with that, though I can feel the way he’s ready to.
“Brevan, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Natalia.
I wasn’t hiding her in the way it feels I was.
She’s not been a part of my life in a very long time, and I haven’t had a relationship with anyone besides Natalia since before we met, so it didn’t even occur to me to tell you.
And I filed for divorce eight months ago.
It might not be legally finalized, but as far as I’m concerned, she’s my ex-wife. ”
“I’m not questioning that logic, but shouldn’t you also mention an ex-wife when you start seeing someone?”
I smile and kiss his head again. Again and again. “Yes, and I would have. You know I have kids, so that would logically mean I’d been married at one point, right?”
“Or you could have hoed it up,” he says, peeking up at me.
The relief that he doesn’t appear like he’s going to take off makes me sag against the pillows. I pull Brevan back down again, and we settle under the blankets with him against my chest as if that phone call never happened.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him. My fingers brush through his hair. “I didn’t mean to make you believe for even a second that I’m having an affair.”
“I should have known better. You’re the best person I’ve ever met.”
I close my eyes and rest my face against the top of his head. “I love how you believe that about me.”
“It’s true,” Brevan insists. “Everything you’ve done is so selfless. You were so dedicated to creating this space for queer people at the expense of your marriage and family.”
“That sounds selfish to me,” I admit.
“Kendrick, how many students have come through Rainbow Dorset since you’ve been here?
We can even shorten that timeline and tell me how many have come through since you became provost?
Did you listen to what our ambassadors said when we introduced ourselves in Iceland?
How many of them came from bad situations and are now safe, confident, happy, educated, and stronger than they had been?
That’s because of you and what you’ve built here!
You didn’t build it for you. You built it for us.
All the students enrolled; all those who came before me; the thousands and thousands who will come after me. ”
I let his words sink into me. It’s hard to accept them, but if I’m willing to, then at least I can say that the sacrifice of my family wasn’t for nothing. I have something to show for it. Something good. Something I’m incredibly proud of.
“Thank you, Brevan.”
His arms tighten. “I’m so proud of you. I’m proud to know you. I think more people need to know you and what you’ve done for this school. For them. Always with them in mind. They should know.”
“You know what I want to know?” I ask.
Brevan shifts to meet my eyes, shaking his head. “What?”
“If you’ll be with me. Be my partner. Build a life with me. Maybe I wasn’t ready before, but I am now. I won’t repeat the mistakes I have made in the past. I promise. I made RDU my priority in the past, maybe mistakenly, but no more. You’re my priority now, Brevan. If you’ll have me.”
“Really?” he asks, voice almost a whisper.
I don’t understand why he sounds so surprised and timid. “Have I misled you into thinking I was only interested in sex?”
Brevan swallows and shakes his head. “No, but… you’re so… good.”
“That’s debatable, but I need you to tell me why you’re hesitating.”
“It’s just that… no one ever wants me. I don’t understand why you do. You could have anyone, so why me?”
Wow, there’s a lot to unload in that statement. The vulnerability, for starters. “Sweetheart, I don’t think you see your interactions clearly.”
His eyebrows knit together in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Not that I want you to consider other options when I’m vying for your heart, but for starters, Xile has tried to show you their interest in you since the day we arrived in Iceland.”
Brevan shakes his head. “They’re just a nice person.”
We hold each other’s eyes for several minutes. Oh. He’s serious. “I bet if we asked Xile, they’d tell you otherwise.”
His skepticism doesn’t lessen.
“I’m not going to point out your other options right now, but I think maybe you need to have a clearer picture of yourself, Brevan.”
I watch as he wars with this information. My gaze becomes locked on where he traps his lower lip between his teeth while he weighs my words against what he believes about himself. I have a feeling that there’s more hidden insecurity there than what I know about.
“Well…” he begins and trails off.
“I want to be with you,” I repeat. “Now, you should tell me what you want.”
“But are we allowed to be together? Will we get in trouble?”
That’s a good question. One I don’t have the answer to. “I think we’ll be okay. You graduate soon, and then it’ll be a nonissue. As it stands, I have no footing in either of the departments you’re a part of, so as far as I’m concerned, we’re not breaking any rules.”
Whether others would feel the same way is still up for debate.
I’ll find that answer in the following days, but I meant what I said.
I won’t sacrifice another relationship for my job.
Not this time. I’ve already accomplished so much of what I set out to do.
I think RDU can survive without me if it comes down to it.
My heart jumps when Brevan nods. “Yes. I want that too.”
“No more secrets. Even secrets that weren’t meant to be secrets. I promise.”
Brevan nods. “I don’t think I have any, but I’ll tell you anything.”
“I’m happy to hear that.” My words are interrupted by a wide yawn, one that Brevan echoes a second later. “For now, let’s get some sleep. We’ll talk more in the morning.”
“Should I stay here?”
“Definitely. I want to wake up with you in my arms. Every day, beginning now.”
He sighs and settles into my hold. Thank fuck he stuck around long enough to hear me out. All I have to do is not mess this relationship up like I did with my previous one. Somehow, even though the thought might not be accurate, it feels as though there’s more on the line this time.