CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE #2
I licked my lips, set on ignoring the locked-away part of me that called for her. A sensation I had not felt before. A shock of desire traveling down my spine before unspooling at my hips, curving down and around to the apex of my thighs, where a blaze had been lit.
I had wanted before, but it had never felt like this.
Fucking depths.
She was perfect.
That pale blonde hair cascaded over her shoulder as she tilted only her head to look at me.
The other side of her neck, a long column begging for my teeth.
I wasn’t sure how much she could make out in the comparative darkness deeper into the room.
It must have been enough, because her intention was clear.
What are you doing? This is madness.
My heart and my mind were set against one another from the start, and the drink I’d all but inhaled at supper was winning the battle.
Without looking down, I began to loosen the buckles on either side of my vest, enough that I could slide it up and over my head.
Beneath, my chest was bound with cloth, serving to flatten my breasts into something more manageable for travel and combat.
I made no move to undo the binding. Instead, I removed my boots, uncaring of the noise they made as they fell to the floor.
My movements slowed as I pulled the leather strings at my waist before pushing my pants down, careful not to dislodge the linen drawers I wore beneath them.
They clung to my hips, with a hem that brushed the tops of my thighs—not the most intimate undergarments, but it was the first time Alyssum had laid eyes on the well-earned muscles of my abdomen and legs, and it took only one quick glance to see the appreciation parting her lips.
I knew I wore my desire plainly as I approached Alyssum, a deep, chiding breath preceding a slight shake of my head. I stopped before our bodies collided, stealing another glance at her breasts and the pink, taut nipples pulling at the fabric of her shift in an entirely maddening way.
She turned to face me, chin lifted, expectant. But I would not give her whatever it was she seemed to be asking of me.
Not like this.
So instead of leaning forward to capture that pouty lower lip between my teeth, I summoned the full strength of my self-control and reached for the covers of the bed, pulling them back for her.
Alyssum looked between the bed and me, her head cocking to the side with the most infuriatingly adorable sigh I’d ever heard.
Without protest, she crawled into the bed, the movement offering one last glimpse at the backside and legs I would spend the rest of my life craving.
Once she situated herself on her side, facing me, the slightest pout pulling out the lower lip that always drew my eye, I realized she hadn’t pulled the covers up.
Such a princess.
I reached down to grab the blankets myself, tucking them over her shoulder as if she were a lover who had drunk in excess and needed to be put to bed.
A reality that would never be mine.
Before I could think too much of the empty space beside her, I crawled into my bedroll, reluctantly lying on my back to stare at the sloped ceiling.
I desperately needed sleep. Tomorrow we would cross the Threshold, and although I was very nearly certain Alyssum would retain her memories, I knew I could not convince her to share my confidence.
It would be a difficult day for us both, and exhaustion wouldn’t help matters.
Instead I found myself staring, and staring, and staring.
The hearth between my legs was an unscratched itch, beckoning the slow circles that I knew would offer at least some reprieve in this Naeno-forsaken situation.
But I couldn’t. Not with her so near. It would be yet another breach of trust, which I’d already skirted tonight.
No more drink, I decided. Not on this journey. It wasn’t worth the added complication. Or the unbridled arousal.
I wasn’t sure how long I lay there, trying my damnedest to wipe the memory of her breasts from my mind, when her small, barely-there voice floated through the silence.
“Vayen?”
My lips parted with every intention of answering her, but I was unable to speak. Whatever she asked of me… I didn’t know if I had the strength to deny her again. So I swallowed my response, praying that she silenced herself with the assumption that I had already fallen asleep.
If only I were so lucky.
“I’m cold,” she whispered.
The bed’s warming glyph was alight, but it didn’t matter.
It couldn’t. Not when all she asked for was the presence of me and the warmth I provided.
A warmth that hadn’t been sought after in a long, long time.
I was standing without weighing the ramifications, pulling back the covers on the opposite side of the bed before I could remind myself this was the worst idea I’d ever had, and was once more lying on my back.
Only this time it was beside the woman who was pushing her way inside my heart through no other action than simply being her.
While still facing away, Lyssa wiggled backwards, presumably until she felt the heat of me all but scorching the linens. The silence between us was charged, and my skin had gone alight with an energetic buzz, sensing her so very close but not yet close enough.
I waited until her breathing grew heavy with the weight of inebriated slumber.
Combined with the resting glyph, I knew I could sneak out of the bed without her knowing.
The aroma of her and citrus peel wouldn’t be so strong in my bedroll.
I’d served my purpose, warming the sheets until she dozed off, so what would be the harm in—
It was then, as if even in her sleep she could sense my intention, that Alyssum shifted and placed the bottom of an icy foot against my calf.
That foot, comparatively smaller than my own and noticeably complete with five miniature icicles for toes, disallowed even the slightest movement. If she needed me, I would be there.
Oh, Naeno. What have I done to deserve this?
I was beyond fucked.