CHAPTER FORTY #2
When we arrived at the stables, I lost the ability to breathe deeply again.
The recesses of my lungs remained untouched by each shallow inhalation, one of the many signs that my body was intimately aware of our looming fate even as I tried to center my mind.
I wasn’t sure to what degree Vayen’s imbuement allowed her to assess me, so I did everything I could to dissuade the panic simmering just beneath the surface.
The stablehand must have seen us approaching, for he’d already retrieved Rummy from the back stall. The man stood there, long hair pulled back, not sparing a glance for me or the bindings that secured my wrists.
Vayen approached him and received Rummy’s leads.
She spoke to him in a hushed voice, but I had no interest in attempting to overhear.
Instead, I focused on Rummy, whose wet, black eyes were locked on my own.
Despite our acquaintance, I still found it difficult to comprehend the sheer size of him.
If he wasn’t so large, he might have been beautiful with that strange pale silver coat, his sun-bleached mane, and even the blackness that mostly coated his pink muzzle.
I didn’t have it in me to be afraid of him; this particular morning, he was the least of my concerns.
I doubted very much that he cared whether I crossed the Threshold, or made it to Sor.
He seemed strangely perceptive for a horse, but even still, I suspected I could bribe him with one of the large root vegetables Milo had yanked up from the ground my first day in Grenythwood.
If by some stroke of luck I did manage to commandeer Rummy, I’d have to keep an eye out for those green leaves Milo had shown me.
I could sense Vayen’s gaze when Rummy lowered himself so that we could mount.
I managed without her assistance, though I’m sure it was a sight to behold.
And when she mounted him, her front ghosting my back, I leaned forward to avoid unnecessary contact.
The muscles of my legs tightened to grip Rummy’s side, as I was still stuck sidesaddle given that I’d stupidly rejected the pants Vayen had obtained on my behalf.
But it wasn’t enough to remain stable, so I relented when her arm snaked around my middle.
I stared blankly forward, uncomforted by the undeniable warmth of Vayen warding off the morning’s chill.
Even when Rummy stood, his massive body rippling beneath my legs and causing me to shift against my captor, fear did not course through my limbs.
I felt almost… empty. As though the very spark that had ignited my indignation and defiance had been scooped out of me with a splintered, wooden spoon.
I wanted to be alert. I wanted to stay focused on the fact that we hadn’t yet crossed, and so a sliver of hope remained, no matter how slight. But all I could see were Vicar’s round, vacant eyes. Would that be me in half a day’s time?
“What’s an Alyssum?” I would reply when she called out my name.
Would Vayen feel bad? Would there be even the smallest part of her that regretted her decision when the woman who had befriended her cousin ceased to exist? How long would Catrin mourn me for? Or would it be too odd to mourn someone who still breathed, still existed, even if in a different form?
Rummy whinnied loudly, startling me from my thoughts.
“Easy there,” Vayen said, looking past me to study him.
Somehow, I knew that Rummy was trying to comfort me. Unfortunately for us both, I would not be comforted.
We rode in silence. Only Rummy’s hoofbeats on the muddy trail sounded through the wood. There was no wind dancing through the dead leaves, nor birdsong to uplift my spirits. Grenythwood was thick with the weight of the morning, or so it seemed to me.
I’d given up trying to sit up straight. It was too much effort to hold myself at that angle, legs screaming under my attempts at gripping Rummy’s monstrous side to avoid tumbling off entirely. So I rested against Vayen’s chest.
Resigned. Defeated.
When I focused, I could hear her heartbeat.
I almost wanted to press my ear in so that I might get a better listen, but that would have been entirely too intimate.
Rummy’s trotting drowned most of it out anyway, but when a beat aligned perfectly with the silence of him being midstep, I was able to make it out.
I could have driven my dagger into that very heart.
The weight of it in my hand, the steel pressed to her throat.
She claimed she could have stopped me, but what if I hadn’t hesitated?
What if, the exact moment she entered our room, I’d thrust my blade forward with every intention of piercing her flesh?
We’d never know, but I found myself wondering. Daydreaming, perhaps. I couldn’t do it last night. But if we were in that same situation now? After all that had happened? I wasn’t so sure.
“We’re close,” Vayen said. The coldness that had clipped her words this morning had softened. She sounded vaguely sad.
If only I had it in me to care.
“Wonderful. I’d say it was lovely to have known you, but I’d rather die an honest woman.”
“You’re not dying,” Vayen hissed. Her grip around my waist was too tight as she dropped Rummy’s lead, her now free hand coming up to capture my chin and connect our eyes.
“I would never let that happen to you. I know what you must think of me… if I were you, well, I’d be feeling much the same.
But I promise that no harm will come to you when we cross. I can protect you.”
I stared into her eyes, searching for the well of confidence her words stemmed from.
I knew that she believed them to be true—the surety in her tone was unmistakable.
But how could she not see how little that meant to me?
Perhaps if there were more time for me to understand the Threshold, and to talk to others who had crossed, I might be able to confront this fear at a comfortable pace.
But she was robbing me of that choice. There was a small part of me that wanted to tell her as much, but I couldn’t summon those vulnerable words. She didn’t deserve them.
She deserved something else entirely.
“I was wrong about you,” I said softly, careful not to allow anger to pitch my tone.
“I’ll be the first to admit I have a great many shortcomings, but reading people is not one of them.
From the moment I saw you, when you carried me to Catrin’s after my unveiling…
I had this overwhelming sense of exactly what you claim—that you would protect me.
That I was safe with you. Then, in the tavern, well…
that was confirmed. Even last night, when Sera reached for my face…
” I paused with a deep, disappointed sigh.
“As much as it pains me to say it, I can see that you’re conflicted.
I want you to know that means nothing to me.
Your hesitation is not a balm to the sting of this betrayal.
I risked everything to cross, and now you risk my life to force me back.
Whether it’s losing my memories, or being caught by either of the kingdoms searching for me, or dying in the Moonlight Trials…
my future, thanks to you, will be forfeit. ”
I expected a quick reply, spoken with that gentle firmness to show she cared, but also wouldn’t be swayed. Instead I was met with the tightening of her jaw, teeth grinding together. When Vayen’s chin dropped and her throat bobbed with a strong swallow, I knew I had her exactly where I wanted her.
I leaned forward, lowering my head to once more capture her gaze. I could see my bright blues reflected in her eyes. I kept my expression trained, even as the words that spilled from my mouth were sharpened with every intent to harm.
“If you drag me across the Threshold—for I can assure you I will not go easy—I will never stop hating you. Assuming I still have the agency to do so.”
Vayen’s stoicism wavered, eyes flinching and mouth drawing tight.
She blinked several times back at me. I hadn’t noticed until now, but we were no longer moving.
The stillness gathered around us, pressing in, exacerbating the silence of the eerie wood.
The tension between us was mounting, and I thought she might break at any moment, but an unidentifiable noise in the distance interrupted our standoff.
Vayen’s head snapped to the side, attention faraway as she listened.
“A group is coming,” she said.
Rummy seemed to be in agreement. His ears swiveled and he pawed at the ground, soft snorts punctuating the morning’s quiet.
My heart flipped in my chest. What if this was the moment I had been waiting for?
“Are they crossing?” I asked as though I were vaguely curious, all the while wondering if the stars might have sent a group of saviors to rescue me from my fate.
“They’d have to be,” Vayen replied, though concern indented her features. “This road doesn’t lead anywhere else.”
“Why does your face look like that?” I asked warily.
“Like what?”
“Like Rummy just farted.”
“It does not,” Vayen argued, her attention still obviously split.
“I’m afraid it does,” I said petulantly. I hoped to distract her long enough that she might not take off at a gallop straight for the swirling wall of fog I had no intention of meeting ever again.
Vayen ignored me now, her eyes flicking around the forest. “We should hide,” she said finally.
Without awaiting my reply, she scooped me up easily in her arms, swung her right leg over to meet her left, and hopped off Rummy as though he were little more than a bench.
I couldn’t help when my arms wrapped around her neck, or the squeal that escaped from gritted teeth when she landed sturdily on the forest floor.
“Wait!” I cried out, squirming with every bit of strength I had left. Fortunately, Vayen hadn’t expected that. She struggled to hold on to me, and my legs slipped from her grasp.
“What—are—you—”