Chapter 36
It’s too damn early to have gone through half a pack, but fuck it. I haven’t slept. Not a single hour.
Adam’s arrival pulled something loose in me. Memories I thought I’d buried deep. The good, the bad, and the shit I swore I’d never let touch me again.
He reminded me of everything I tried to forget. Of everything I left undone. And now those loose ends are starting to look like nooses that I need to fix.
My foot drums the ground uncontrollably, and I realize that I’ve been dragging the cigarette like a maniac.
Where the fuck is she?
She’s late. Unless Eleanor is useless and didn’t do the one thing I asked of her.
Suddenly, my office’s door swings open, drawing my attention. It’s her.
“Hey,” she says quietly.
There’s something off. She’s shaken, just like the way she was when I first brought her here. I haven’t seen her like this in a while.
“Took you long enough,” I say, gesturing to her to sit on the chair across from me.
I need to see what the fuck is wrong.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I wanted to get ready first. I took a shower,” she says quietly, taking a seat and tucking her blonde hair behind her ear, avoiding eye contact.
Yeah, something is definitely wrong.
“Hm … you did a good job with it.” I take a sip of my scotch.
She looks at me. “What do you mean?”
“You’re pretty.”
“Oh,” she says with a smile, blushing. “Thank you.”
My gaze lingers on her for a few seconds, trying to read her body movements. She seems nervous, but the question is why.
“So why did you call me here?” she asks, adjusting herself in the chair.
“Are you nervous about something?” I ask bluntly.
“No!” she squeals without hesitation, as if she was expecting the question.
I tilt my head and flash her a smile. “You can’t hide from me, little rose.”
She lets out a long breath that she probably held for too long but still avoids eye contact. “I saw Eleanor’s arms.”
“And?”
She finally raises her big and bright eyes to look at me. “And …? Don’t you know what I mean?”
I tangle my fingers and lean closer to the desk. “I really don’t. But, please, enlighten me.”
“Uhm …” She hesitates.
“Explain, Kate?ina.”
“Her forearms were full of cuts.”
I ponder. “Suicide attempt?”
She shakes her head and swallows hard. “It didn’t look like that. It looked like someone did it to her.”
“Hmm …” I run my fingers over the stubble on my jaw. “I need to look into this.”
“So you don’t know anything about it?”
Oh, but I do, baby. I know exactly where this is heading, and you just made it fucking worse.
“Why would I know anything about it?”
“She said …”
“Of course she said.” I cut her off with a grin.
“She can say whatever the fuck she wants. I’ve got her locked in my house like a fucking pet.
She cooks, she cleans, and she flinches when I walk into the room.
And just so she doesn’t forget who’s really in charge, I’ve got a few people watching her family real close.
One wrong move from her and someone she loves gets a bullet to the skull. ”
She gasps. “What?”
I lean in slowly. “Yeah. That’s me showing mercy. You see, I let her live. I let her breathe. I give her a roof, food, and a reason to keep dragging her pathetic feet around my house instead of rotting in a ditch. That’s what kindness looks like from me.”
I flick the ash from my cigarette into the ashtray without tearing my eyes off hers.
“She let them hurt me. She covered for them. She smiled while they broke me. She and the rest of those spineless fucks turned their backs while I screamed and bled and begged. She didn’t protect me.
She protected monsters. And now she gets to live with the monster she allowed them to create.
She gets to feel it every second of every day, serving the boy she helped destroy. ”
“I didn’t know that,” she says so quietly I can almost hear her.
“Keeping her locked up is the easy part. The real punishment is knowing I’m the one holding the keys, and I’m not fucking done yet. So, think again before you decide to believe a pathetic cockroach I let live instead of exterminating it the moment I had the chance.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” she asks, her bright eyes rising to meet mine again.
“Would you believe me?”
She doesn’t reply. Of course she doesn’t. What did I expect? Her reaction only disappoints me. It actually hurts me.
“You didn’t believe me when I told you that everything I do, I do it for you, either.” She remains silent, but that only starts to enrage me. “Would you believe me if I told you that I love you?”
Her head snaps up. “What did you just say?”
“I said I fucking love you,” I repeat, slower this time, without moving a muscle other than my lips.
She glares at me like I’m some kind of animal.
Maybe I am. Perhaps that’s what happens when you love someone so much it rots your brain.
When you’d rip out your own heart if they asked, but they still act like you’re the devil breathing down their neck.
I don’t care if she hates me. I don’t care if she screams or runs.
I’ll keep showing up. I’ll keep loving her until there’s nothing left of either of us.
She can call me a villain all she wants.
She can cry, she can beg, but none of it matters.
She is meant to be mine, and I am meant to break her, if that’s what it takes to keep her.
Why does this make me feel weak and vulnerable? Why the fuck am I scared of losing her?
I was never meant to feel like this. When I first brought her here, it wasn’t love. It was an obsession. My possession. A sin I wore proudly.
She was mine, nothing more.
Now, it tears me apart when I see her eyes filled with tears. It fucking hurts me when she pulls back, like I’m the monster under her bed instead of the man who’d slaughter the whole world just to hear her laugh a single time.
Sometimes, I think about cutting this sickness out of me, ripping out every filthy piece until I’m clean enough for her. But I can’t. I don’t want to. Because this is love. My love. Twisted, decaying, all consuming, and without it—without her—I’m nothing.
“I made my will,” I say bluntly, dragging my smoke.
Her arched brows narrow. “I’m sorry, but I think my English is not very good. What do you mean?”
“I need to settle a few things in case … you know.” I click my tongue. “Things go sideways with me.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“In case I die, little rose.” I sip my scotch.
Her pale blue eyes widen. “What? What the hell are you talking about?”
I drag in a slow breath and crush the cigarette into the glass ashtray without looking at it.
I push off the chair and walk around the desk, stopping in front of her. I can’t take my eyes off her. She seems vulnerable. Exposed.
I lean back against the wood and fold my arms.
“I’ve left everything to you,” I say. “If I die, it’s all yours.”
“No.”
She shakes her head, but I keep going.
“The lawyer and the notary public are on their way. You’ll take the companies. Do whatever the hell you want with them.”
“No way! This is wrong!” She shoots up from the chair, her eyes darting wildly around. “Why are you saying this? Are you sick?”
“No.”
“Then why the hell are you suddenly talking about death?” she snaps.
“Because I have enemies in places you can’t even imagine, and I need to know you’re protected if one of them finally gets lucky.”
My eyes remain on hers, watching her come undone—my poor little rose.
She stares at me like I’ve lost it. “Do you even hear yourself right now?”
“Kate?ina,” I say slower. “Calm down and cooperate. All you have to do is say yes. That’s it. Just agree.”
“Agree with what? That I should take all your things like you’re already dead?” She’s trembling, and her voice is cracking. “I don’t want your money!”
Her face flushes red as her feline eyes brim with tears she refuses to let fall.
“That’s all I can give you. That and my protection while I’m still here.”
“You’re talking like you’re already gone.”
“I have to think ten steps ahead.”
“Then think, you idiot! Think really hard.” She steps closer, her eyes locked on mine. “Tell me how I’ll be without you. Huh?”
I freeze. “What?”
“If you’re so fucking good at planning, tell me how I’m supposed to live when you disappear.” A tear finally breaks loose, but she doesn’t wipe it. “You kidnapped me! You held me against my will like I was an animal, and now you want to play protector? The fucking savior?”
I can’t help but smile at her.
She hits me on my chest, but I don’t react. “No. You don’t get to vanish and pretend it’s mercy, Cain!”
She hits me again.
“You owe me! You fucking owe me, and you will stay with me!”
“Hey,” I say, reaching for her.
“You can’t leave me!” She finally breaks into tears.
Fuck …
I grab her and pull her into my arms. Her breathing is erratic and shallow.
“I don’t need your money,” she sobs, her voice muffled against my shirt. “I need you.”
My heart skips a beat at the sound of it—her voice, my name, whatever spell she’s casting without even knowing.
I never expected anyone to break through the ice inside me.
“I won’t leave you,” I murmur. She raises her reddish, glistening eyes and looks at me. I tilt her chin up and drag my thumb across her cheek, wiping away the tears I caused. “I’m not leaving you, little rose.”
As if I ever could.
Even if you beg me to.
Even if I have to shatter every last piece of you to keep you here.
“I want you,” she repeats.
“You have me. Every fucked-up and broken part. I might be your prison, but you’re my heaven.
My perfect, untouchable Eden. The only thing that keeps me breathing, even if I have to keep you chained to stay alive.
” I stroke her face. “My peace. And be sure I’ll drag hell to my doorstep if anyone even thinks about laying a finger on you. ”