Chapter 24
TWENTY-FOUR
When I wake up alone, I palm (grope) the spot beside me.
There are dozens of reasons for this new behavior or so, I tell myself.
Luke’s bed is bigger, so there is more room to stretch out.
My muscles are tense from the stress of last night, so I am trying to ease those pains.
There’s also the fact that I haven’t slept next to anyone for a while, so I’m taking a few minutes to adjust.
But if I’m being honest with myself—which I try to be—there’s a real reason for what I’m doing. I’m touching his side of the bed to feel if it’s still warm, and to absorb that warmth as a pale substitute for the real thing.
Does this mean I have been concussed, possibly by association? What else can explain why I’ve become a desperate little heat-seeking salamander?
Other morning oddities include: more than mild disappointment over Luke’s absence, a repeating of key phrases in my mind from last night ( There’s no way I am going to let anything happen to you…
When you call me, I will come… Use me how you like…
), a vivid desire to see him shirtless again, and the fact that I woke up wet and needy.
The last condition is easy to take care of, especially if my thoughts dip back to the aforementioned shirtlessness, and I take liberties by adding further sequences that technically haven’t happened.
If I am looking for a convenient excuse, I can say my period must be around the corner.
I am always excessively horny right before it starts.
But there is a certain amount of self-awareness within me that doesn’t want to hide from the truth and is freaking out.
Especially since all kinds of scenarios will unfold going forward now that I am Luke Abbot’s fake fiancée.
Needing advice, I emergency call my best friends.
Noor is the only available, so I talk to her and end up saying more than I thought I would.
Nothing about the personal details Luke shared last night.
More broad strokes about how I’m still living with him because of my ongoing apartment renovations, some facts about the party last night, and how my boss and I are mutually using each other.
Me for kitchen access, him for an image-makeover for the conference.
Noor and I are floating heads on a two-way video call.
“He helicopter rescued you last night?” she says. “Is this man a movie star?”
“Are we skipping over the fact that you and Kiren sent me into a dragon’s den of skeevy drugs and men?”
“No, I’m going to wait for Kiren to be free so we can apologize together.”
“How convenient. Can we go back to the topic at hand?”
Noor moves her phone around, so I see she’s actually in the bathtub shaving her legs. “There’s so much ground to cover, I don’t know where to start. Except I do. You’ve seen him naked?”
“Half-naked. There was a sweatpants moment. He was pulling some on—and—I saw .”
“Saw what?”
“How is this relevant?”
“I’m a visual advice-giver! Hold on—” She puts her phone on the ledge of her tub. Her black hair is a lily-pad around her neck. With both palms parallel and facing each other, she widens the distance between them slowly. “Tell me when to stop.”
“You are a pervert. And I can’t remember.”
“Liar.”
“I saw like a shadow of it for a second!”
“Ballpark?”
“Substantial, okay! Are you happy?”
She grins. “Substantially. ”
“Moving on—I need to figure out how I’m going to do this. How I’m going to stay professional and disentangled in the face of my new agreement with him.”
Noor reaches over and lights a cigarette in the tub. “We will circle back to how looney this whole idea of a fake fiancé is in a moment. But first, why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“Why stay professional? Perhaps you should ride these non-professional feelings out. You might find it leads you somewhere unexpected and real.”
“Noor, I don’t need more real in my life.”
“Liking someone is not a bad kind of real, Rita.”
Taking our call to the bathroom, I start brushing my teeth since I’ve languished in bed long enough. “This is not helping. At this rate, I’m going to tell Kiren she’s a better supporter than you.”
Noor makes a stabbing motion against her heart, which splashes water around in her tub. “Fine. To better assist you, I need more information. What’s your biggest fear with all this?”
“Like you said. That all this pretending will make me think it’s real.”
“Which you don’t want?”
“No. Yes. No. Wait, you are confusing me! The fact remains, Luke and I aren’t actually together. We can’t be.”
Noor tilts her head to the side. “Why can’t you be?”
“He’s power. Upper class. One percent. Rolling around in so much money I can’t think about it or my head hurts.”
“So, you’ve got nothing in common with each other?”
“Not nothing.” I frown, putting the phone down and splashing water on my face. “We’re able to hold a conversation. And laugh. And his life isn’t perfect either, which I relate to.”
My mind goes to last night. In that bed together, it felt like his troubled soul was talking to mine.
He trusted me with his pain, and the staggering thing was that I wanted to trust him with mine.
There is so much I didn’t say. I want to hold his face and tell him that I understand.
How we’ve both had loads of practice pretending to be someone else.
I know how exhausting it is to put a mask on, and I hate that his had to stay on for years.
That I’m going to help him not only because we’re using each other professionally, but because I want to be there when he can finally let go.
When all his hard work and sacrifice and struggle pay off in one master stroke, I want to cheer him on.
“Despite anything else, our lifestyle fundamentals are different,” I summarize for Noor. “We are at different phases in our life. He’s established. I am not. Plus, let’s not forget, he’s my boss.”
“I’ve always thought it matters more where two people are heading, and if they can walk that path together.”
My hands grip the edge of the counter. “Can I please have some practical advice? How do I keep my heart and body and mind occupied when pretending to be a fiancée?”
“Imagine him ugly.”
“Impossible.”
“True. I’ve looked him up. Face like a fallen angel. Body like a warrior. Eyes like sin.”
“He wears these perfectly fitted suits. It’s been injurious to my health.”
She breathes out a plume of smoke. “I can only imagine the hardship you’ve been put through. Sympathies.”
I put my hair up in a bun, then start fussing with it. Has Luke ever seen me with it down properly? I release the bun. “This isn’t helping.”
“Okay. Let me say this. If you think he finds himself in the same compromised feelings position as you, then joke about it together. In my experience, if you suppress something, it grows. But if you acknowledge and poke at it together, it might cool down.”
While fluffing out my face-framing bangs, I smile. “That’s…actually not a bad idea.” Feeling as ready as I can be, I pick up my phone again and bring it closer to my face. “Thanks.”
“For the record, you’ve got it backwards,” she says.
“He’s the one who would be lucky to be with you.
You, my best friend, are the most resilient and generous soul that I know.
You’ve got balls, woman. To push through the hardest of circumstances and keep at your dream.
Not only that, but you make yourself laugh through setbacks.
I don’t think it’s healthy, but you’re the kind of human who wants people around her never to worry, so you hoard all your burdens and smile.
You are sweet, incredible, lovely and also really, really hot.
” She stubs out her cigarette. He would be so lucky to have you. ”
“Noor…you’ve made me feel bad for saying you’re not supportive.”
Her grin is vicious. “Good. Suck on that, Kiren.”
“She can’t hear you, you know.”
“I bet her eye is twitching.”
My phone buzzes.
“What is it?” she asks. “You’ve got a goofy look on your face.”
“It’s a message from Luke. He’s telling me to be ready, and that he’s going to pick me up at seven. I guess we’re practicing tonight.”
“Bah,” she exclaims. “Sex that man up! Reach down into those sweatpants and pull out the snake!”
“OMG. Stop . I’m hanging up.”
The last thing I hear is her cackle.