Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
When I get stressed, I clean. And the doe-eyed, desperate look Caleb keeps giving me day in and day out is making everything in me itch. I can’t cuddle with him anymore. He’s no longer sick. There’s no valid excuse for doing it.
So, I stay busy each and every minute I’m home. The apartment has never been cleaner. The baseboards shine, the filter under the range hood sparkles, and don’t even get me started on the bathroom vents. They’re blowing air like never before.
And through it all, Caleb is there.
He watches me as I make his unruly bed and hold my breath while I fluff his pillow. His bottom lip is jutted out, the disappointment on his face clear.
But I can’t do it.
I fucking can’t.
We are not cuddling again.
“Going to the gym,” Caleb says, his voice a little sad.
I don’t even look up because I’m sure he’s wearing his nipple shirt, and I don’t need that in my life right now. I really don’t. The piercing…it does things to me.
Things I never knew I’d like.
Things I can’t live with if I let them loose.
“Have fun,” I manage to say, bent over the tub and scrubbing the ceramic with passion.
He sighs loudly, and then I hear the door close and lock.
I sag, the gloves dripping with cleaning solution and bubbles as I try to breathe.
I heard him last night, moaning my name in his dreams. It sent me onto the couch, where I stared at the ceiling until I could recover.
I haven’t touched myself to thoughts of him since that weak moment I had weeks ago.
I refuse to ever do it again. I will not be weak.
The email floats through my head, my response, and what it means for my future.
How it will make me something I’m not. How I will be conforming to my father’s image.
I will become who he’s always wanted me to be.
I try to push the anxiety away. I can get through it. I got through my entire childhood. This will be a walk in the park.
My mind flicks back to Caleb, and I start scrubbing again. My hands, back, and neck ache.
Thankfully, Magnus calls me, the ring of my phone making me drop what I’m doing to answer.
“Hey, just checking in. You’ve been quiet lately. Making sure you’re alive.”
I huff into the phone and stare at the glimmering bathtub. It’s my finest work yet.
“Yeah. I’m alive. Mostly,” I quip, and Magnus giggles sweetly on the other end of the line. He’s so easy, simple.
Perfect for me in every way, and yet…
I shake my head and listen to Magnus continue to prattle on.
“Good, well, come meet Bev, Kate, and me on campus for lunch. We want to catch up, and honestly, it would be nice to see your face.”
“Yeah, I should probably get out of the apartment.”
“You definitely should. Have you been cleaning again?”
I sigh, and he does the same. “Your dad?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, fuck him. Stop scrubbing the toilet and come meet us. Oh, but wash your hands first.”
I roll my eyes, but hearing his voice has made me feel lighter. I can do this. I need to get out of the house and touch grass, meet some friends, socialize with someone other than my professors and the man smiling on the cleaning bottle.
I need to stop thinking about Caleb.
So I shower, change, and make the short drive to campus.
I only park near the gym because I have to. Not because I want to see if I can catch him working out those muscles—that ass.
I don’t see him, though.
Not that I look. I really don’t look.
My phone buzzes in my back pocket, and I pull it out, seeing that it’s Caleb’s aunt calling.
The universe obviously doesn’t want me to stop thinking about my roommate.
That much is clear.
I swipe at the phone as I lean against a lamppost right across from the gym. I don’t stop here, hoping to catch a glimpse. This just happens to be a good place to stop.
“Hi,” I say softly, feeling my chest constrict.
“Hi, sweet pea. Just calling to check in. How are you?”
I hold my breath a moment, unsure what to do with this. My parents never call just to check in. They always want something.
“I’m good. Just busy. Mostly with classes.”
“Oh, tell me all about it. I have about five minutes before I have to head out.”
And so I do, relaying the five courses I’m enrolled in plus the debate club, and when I finish and hang up, I feel odd. But good. Like, maybe my whole life, this is what I’ve been missing.
But I shake it off as I continue on my way to the campus cafeteria, definitely not looking everywhere for Caleb as I walk.
“Why are you rubbing your neck like that?” Bev asks when I approach their table. Kate and Magnus are also sitting there, each of them watching me intently.
“Oh…” My hand drops, and I feel my cheeks heat. “No reason.”
Kate bites back a grin and then whispers something loudly to Bev. So loud that I can hear it.
“Probably from craning his neck to get a look at his roommate’s ass.”
My mouth falls open, and I sputter slightly, but Magnus saves me by tugging me into the seat next to him. He’s wearing a cute pink shirt and dark pants with suspenders.
He’s always so bright.
“Ignore them. They’re awful today. Real pieces of work.”
Bev and Kate make appalled faces and gasp loudly, but they let it go. I think they know I’m at my wits’ end. Magnus touches me gently, like I’m about to break, and then leans toward me.
“How clean is the apartment?”
“It glows.”
His lips curl up as Bev interrupts.
“Alright, since Whit is finally here, want to quickly review our notes from our last meeting?”
“Please,” I say, and she pulls out a piece of paper and starts going over things. I listen intently, making sure not to turn my head any which way. Just in case he happens to be here.
I won’t injure my neck again.
Magnus touches my arm a few times—simple, casual touches that probably mean more to him than they do to me. But I know they’re harmless. He’s just trying to bring me back to focus. He knows my mind is wandering.
“Hey, you okay?” he finally asks when Bev finishes up. Kate asks her a question, which allows me to respond.
“Yeah, just a lot on my mind.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I swallow, knowing I should talk to someone, but I don’t want to do that here. Honestly, I don’t even want to face it.
He pats my leg and then leans over and presses a soft kiss on my cheek. “I’m here if you need me.”
“Thank you.”
I clench my thighs tightly to force myself not to wipe the feel of his lips from me. They feel wrong.
He feels wrong. And I know why.
Fuck.
Suddenly, two figures appear, looming and large. Bev and Kate’s eyes widen, and Magnus shrinks back slightly.
My heart thunders in my chest. I know who this is. I can smell him, even from here.
“Cut the shit, Mal. You’re scaring them,” I hear Caleb murmur, and I peer up at him from under my lashes.
Mal reaches out and smacks Caleb upside the head. He lets out a grunt and rubs the area, staring at me as he does it.
His muscles flex.
Tempting, delicious.
I shift in my seat.
“Hey, roomie.”
“Hello, Caleb.”
He tucks his hands in his pockets, and I force myself to blink.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
“I’ve been busy.”
“That so?”
I watch Mal move toward Magnus and crouch down. He stares at Magnus intently, and I know how uncomfortable Magnus is right now.
He has three brothers who act like assholes just because he’s smaller.
He doesn’t need someone at school bullying him, too. This should be a safe space.
“You’re frightening him,” I turn to Mal and say, unable to hold my tongue. I won’t stand for bullying.
When Mal doesn’t move or blink, I turn back to Caleb. “Call off your pet.”
“Mal’s not my pet. He is feral, though,” Caleb says, his eyes glued to mine. I see Mal gnash his teeth like a rabid dog, and Magnus leans toward me slightly.
I wish he’d find his footing and fight back.
I wish he’d be as brave as I know he can be.
Finally, Caleb sighs. “Look, Mal, leave Casper alone. You’re scaring him.”
Casper? I bite back a smile. Magnus wouldn’t appreciate me encouraging that.
“Alright,” Mal says and then stands up to his full height. His muscles bunch under his shirt as he flexes them, like Caleb does so often.
Ridiculous macho men.
Caleb’s eyes narrow as he watches me, and then he tells Mal to apologize.
Which he does, his voice dry.
“Sorry, Casper.”
“My name’s not Casper,” Magnus finally says, his voice more frail than I’d like. I want him to show off that sass.
I want him to show everyone the backbone I know he has.
“My bad,” Mal says flippantly and then gestures toward me. “You making my boy, Whit, feel uncomfortable? Got a little handsy for a bit there.”
Magnus’s ears turn pink, and I know mine are the same. He did kiss my cheek, and if Caleb saw that…
“I…meant no harm,” Magnus squeaks, coming to the same realization.
“Keep your hands to yourself, hm,” Mal says, and Magnus turns toward me, almost seeking shelter.
I’m the wrong one to do this with.
I can’t protect him.
Mal lets out a loud grunt and then slaps Caleb on the back roughly. “Welp, my job here is done, bro. See you later?”
“Yep,” Caleb says as the two of them fist bump and Mal struts away.
A weird interaction, but they’re strange specimens anyway. I’m not used to their kind—loud, brazen men with more brawn than brains, but seemingly generous hearts.
I half-expect Caleb to leave, but he lingers.
“Did you need something?” I finally ask, feeling the thrum of my heart in my throat at how near he is.
“You’ve been making my bed.”
I have. Obsessively.
“Does it bother you?” I ask.
“Nah, you do you.”
“Anything else?” I ask.
His gaze shifts from me to the people at the table, almost like he forgot they were there.
That thought alone makes my belly clench with nerves.
“You going to Houdini on me for much longer?”
I roll my lips between my teeth, my fingers tapping a nervous rhythm on my thigh. “I should be home soon.”
“Fine.” He rocks forward on his feet and then back again. “Yep. Well, I’ll see you then.”
“Good.”
We stare at each other for a moment longer before Magnus interrupts.
“My name’s Magnus, by the way. Not Casper.”