Chapter 15 #2
“I do not care about the boy. I just care that it ends.”
“I know.”
“She’s visiting next week. Do not disappoint me.”
And then he hangs up, the ringing in my ears almost deafening. Panic surges through me just as anger rises into my throat.
I slam my phone into the cup holder, my fingers twisting on the steering wheel.
“Fuck!”
I slam my hand against it, the sting doing nothing to abate the pain I feel inside of me. “Fuck! Fuck this!”
Caleb stares at me, confusion and concern in his gaze. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
I breathe deeply through my nose, trying to control myself. “Nothing. I just need…fuck! Fuck! Fuck this!”
My hand slams down on the steering wheel once more, and then I try to regulate my breathing again, try to control my spiraling emotions. But it’s not working.
I’ve never cared about losing something like I do about losing him.
I knew this could happen, and I invited him to live with me anyway.
Invited him into my life.
And now I have to close the door on him, shutting him out. The thought of it has my chest constricting painfully.
“Hey, pull over, babe. Let me drive,” Caleb says, worry lining his voice.
I shake my head, my mind whirling. “I’m fine. I’m fine. I just need to think. Let me think.”
By the time we arrive at the apartment, my entire body is shaking.
I toss the suitcases inside, Caleb standing there, confused.
But I have to fix this. I have to. For us. I can’t lose him. Not now.
I can’t live like this anymore.
“Babe, tell me…”
“I have to go out. I’ll be back,” I bite out, not looking at him. I can’t look at him, or I’ll stay.
And if I stay, I’ll lose him.
“Why? Where you going?”
I feel wild, unhinged.
“I’ll be back.”
Then I rush from the apartment, a sob leaving my throat as I slip into my car. A gift from my father, a chain to him, to the life he wants me to live.
I want to crash it and leave it to burn, but I don’t. Instead, I peel out of the parking lot, swerving into traffic, but I don’t care about how reckless I’m being. I just need to fix this. That’s my only concern.
My trembling fingers pull out my phone, and I stab at my mom’s number. It rings, but she doesn’t pick up. She’s probably drunk, sleeping in her own vomit. She won’t help me anyway.
She will always support my father. No matter what. She never loved me. She never cared about my happiness.
I scream loudly, spittle flying, tears streaming down my face. I narrowly avoid running into the median, so I pull over, my heart racing.
I swipe at my eyes and flick to Emily’s name and press it. She answers quickly, her voice soft.
“We need to call it off,” I choke out, not even saying hello.
She’s quiet for a moment. “You know I can’t do that. I have too much riding on this.”
“I do, too, but fuck, we don’t even really like each other!”
She sighs. “It doesn’t matter. People like us are destined to be miserable. It’ll ruin your life even more if we don’t go through with it. You know this.”
“Emily,” I groan, my head hitting the steering wheel. “If you call it off, I can be free.”
She laughs bitterly at that. “Who gave you that hope, Whit? Money or not, we’ll never be free. I’ll see you next week.”
And then she hangs up, leaving me to moan as bile rises in my throat.
I swallow it back and then call the only other person who knows about this. An accident, but a fortunate one at this moment.
“Come over. Come here,” Magnus says when he hears my desperation on the other end of the line.
And when I make it to his place, he drags me into his arms and squeezes me tightly. It doesn’t feel right—he’s not Caleb—but I let him hold me all the same.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
I can barely utter the words. “He knows.”
“Who? Caleb?”
“No,” I say, my voice breaking. “My dad. He knows about Caleb. He’s threatening to move me out, to take it all away. I went through hell for it, Magnus. How the fuck am I supposed to let it all go? But I can’t lose Caleb either. Fuck.”
He strokes my back as I slump forward, my face in my hands.
“You need to tell Caleb. You need to tell him the truth. Let him help you.”
I let out a choked sob, knowing how badly that will go over. “I can’t hurt him.”
“If you love him, you will tell him the truth. Then you sort this out. You can’t live like this, Whit. It’s killing you.”
“Can’t I?”
“Maybe you could have. One time, long ago, but now you’ve met the man you love. He deserves all of you…”
“I don’t—” But my words are cut off.
I do love him.
But I can’t have him. Not with parents like mine.
“Tell him the truth. Let him have a choice and then fight like hell to keep him.”
“Would you do this for someone you love? Or would you walk away?”
I stare at him and see the flicker in his eyes.
“I’d fight like hell,” he says.
I stay far longer than I should, sitting in silence while Magnus tries to comfort me, but the only one who can soothe this ache is back home.
I need him.
One last time.
He’s a lighthouse in the darkness of my life, guiding me home.
When I finally arrive home, I stumble up the steps, pushing open the apartment door roughly. It flings against the wall as my eyes drift frantically around the room.
I see him waiting on the couch, his body drawn tight, his eyes wet.
I stare at him, and his eyes meet mine.
“Whit? What is it? Where were you? Are you okay? I was worried.”
I blink rapidly, taking him in, memorizing this moment for decades to come, and then I reach down and drag him into the bedroom. He doesn’t stop me. Just goes along willingly. He must know I need this.
Must know I need him.
I take my time undressing him, my lips dragging across his warm skin.
I inhale him, consume him.
And when I push into his tight heat, etching the memory of the way he looks beneath me, the way he chants my name, I force myself not to look away.
I just stare down at him, feel him, experience him.
For what may be the last time.
And he does the same, his eyes so unguarded and trusting.
If he only knew.
How he’d hate me.
“Whit,” he moans as we come together, the feeling of it being over an indescribable doom.
I fall against him, his hands rubbing up my back as I hold myself inside of him.
One last time.
“What is it?” he whispers. “Why are you acting like this?”
“I’m so sorry,” I choke out, my voice rasping and desperate.
“What for?”
My eyes squeeze shut. “I tried to fix it, but I couldn’t.”
“Fix what?”
I shake my head and dig my fingers deeper into the skin of his shoulders, marking him with bruises.
“I have secrets. And I can’t keep them anymore.”
He stills beneath me and lets out a long exhale. “Tell me.”
I can’t stop the flood of tears, my cheeks wet from my pain.
Fuck. Fuck this.
“Whit, tell me. You’re scaring me,” he says, his thumbs brushing the tears away.
Slowly, I pull out of him and feel the absence of him surrounding me like a cut to my skin.
“I don’t want to tell you. Can I have just one more night with you?”
He runs his hand through his hair, debating it. I can see the struggle on his face. He wants to, but I know he wouldn’t be able to cope with the uncertainty.
“I can’t do that, Whit. I need you to tell me what’s going on. Whatever it is, we can work through it.”
I sniffle and swipe at my eyes, knowing this is the end.
I force myself to look at him when I say it.
“I’m engaged.”
“To me, you mean?” he says with a small smile.
I shake my head and feel dread sit heavily in my throat. It’s threatening to cut off the air. “No, to someone else.”
That beautiful, teasing smile fades, replaced with shock and confusion. A curl of something angry and mean.
“You’re shitting me, right?”
He sits up abruptly, and I have to look away. The way his eyes have dimmed, the way he looks broken. I can’t stand it.
“I’m not.”
Then he’s shoving me off him and standing on shaking legs. I see my cum slide out of him, and I know he feels it, the drag against his skin. He grunts at the feeling, using a discarded shirt on the ground to wipe it off.
He’s never done that before.
He’s scrubbing me from his existence already.
“What the fuck, Whit?” he finally bursts out.
I meet his broken gaze.
“I’m sorry, Caleb.”
“You were cheating on your fiancé with me?” He runs a hand through his hair, looking hysterical. “Oh fuck. This is so bad.”
I sit on the edge of the bed and pull a sheet over me, feeling far too naked for this.
“Who is he?” he asks, thrusting his legs into his boxers.
“It’s not a man.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“It’s a woman.”
He laughs angrily, the sound so unlike him. I never want to hear that again.
“Stop fucking with me.”
“I’m not.”
His hands go into his hair, and he tugs roughly.
“Are you for reals right now? What is this shitshow, Whit? Why the hell are you engaged to a woman? You’re gay!”
“It’s all a formality. It means nothing.”
“Is that who you’ve been texting?” he asks, his voice cold.
“Yes, we’re getting married in May.”
“In May?” He’s shouting now, the sound bouncing off the hollow walls of my heart. “That’s in like 5 months, Whit. What were you going to do? Fuck me until you were headed down the aisle?”
I bite down on my bottom lip to keep myself from falling apart.
“I didn’t know what I was doing with you. I…I don’t want to do this. To get married to her.”
He’s pacing now. “Then don’t do it, for fuck’s sake.”
My tears are flowing freely now, unable to stop them.
“I can’t. I have so much riding on this.”
“So much so that you’d marry a woman to get it?”
I nod and swipe at the wetness on my cheeks. It does nothing to help.
“Give it up then! Give it up, Whit. Your happiness is more important than money.”
I inhale shakily and then croak, “I was fine with it. Fine with it until I met you. Why did I have to meet you?”
He softens a moment, but then finds his resolve once more.
“So, let me get this right. You’re marrying a woman to get the money from your trust. Is marrying her one of the other stipulations on top of becoming a lawyer?”
I nod, my eyes moving to the floor.
“So, I’m guessing your parents don’t like that you’re gay.”
I shake my head. “You don’t understand. It was so easy for you to come out, to be with me, but that was not my experience.
They hated that my inclinations went in a different direction.
It wasn’t acceptable to them, so they tried to beat it out of me.
When that didn’t work, they starved me. When that didn’t work, they found a way to manipulate me into being the obedient son they always wanted. ”
His hands fist at his sides, his nostrils flaring.
“So…you’d go the rest of your life repressed and married to someone you don’t love, for money?”
My chin hits my chest. “I suffered my entire life for it, Caleb. Bled for it. Starved for it. I don’t know how to give it up now.”
“Just because you suffered for it doesn’t mean you should hold on to it. It’s killing you!”
I hold out my arms toward him, and his gaze falls to the scars littering my skin.
“Don’t I, though? I survived all those times for what?”
He swallows roughly and meets my stare, desperation lining those blue depths.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Because I was selfish. Because I wanted this with you. Even if it was just for a short time.”
Now his tears slip from his eyes, his hands in his hair again. “But that wasn’t fair to me, Whit! I’m half in love with you now!”
My head whips up, and I’m breathless. “What?”
“You heard me, and you know it. Deep down. You always knew. I was open with you, and you used me. You knew you’d wreck me, and you did it anyway.”
“I know,” I whisper, my voice breaking.
“Why are you telling me this now? Why not wait until May when you end up getting married?”
“Because she’s coming to visit.”
He clutches the back of his neck, letting out a pained groan.
“Do you fuck her? Kiss her, huh?”
“Never,” I whisper. “I’ve never… We’re not in love. We don’t even know each other. Not really.”
“Then why do it? Don’t fucking do it, Whit! Choose me!”
I feel something shatter inside me. He makes it seem so simple.
But is it?
“I can’t. It’s already set in motion. There’s nothing to be done.”
“Of course there is! There’s always a choice, but you can’t see it through all the shit in front of you. You can leave. Say fuck you to your parents and leave.”
My shoulders sag, and I let out a rattling, dying breath.
“I’m not strong enough.”
“I can be strong for you,” he begs. “Don’t be a coward. Don’t let them win.”
I can’t reply. I can’t. I need time to think about this.
You’ve had your whole life to think of a solution. Is it really that simple?
I don’t know.
“I can’t do this,” he says and then strides from the room.
Those words. They stab at my already bleeding heart. I stand up and scramble after him, chasing him into the other room, grabbing onto his arm.
“Please stay, Caleb,” I choke out.
“And what, Whit? Watch you get married to a fucking woman in a few months? Fuck that.”
He wrenches his arm from my grip and grabs the duffel bag I bought him, stuffing it full. Then he grabs a pair of pants and a shirt, pulling them on. He places his hat low over his forehead, and I let out a pained groan.
“I’m staying somewhere else tonight.”
“Please don’t go,” I whisper, and I nearly fall to pieces when he reaches out and cups my face.
“Will you be safe if I leave?” he asks, and I know what that means.
I choke out a sob. I never deserved him. Never.
“Will you be safe?” he asks, his voice cold, so unlike him.
I recoil, knowing I did this to him. I made him like this.
It’s all my fault.
I need to let him go.
He deserves to be happy. Without me.
I nod and watch as he turns and walks out of the room. And I can’t help but call out after him.
“Wait! Does this…” I inhale shakily, “…does this mean we’re over?”
He rubs at his eyes and exhales shakily.
“Yeah, man. We’re through.”
Then he turns his back on me and walks away.