Chapter 13 #4
“Ding ding. You win a fucking prize. He really doesn’t want that.
The fact that it’s the last thing you should be doing doesn’t matter to Jez.
Only his wants. He’s also insanely jealous of anyone you hook up with.
It’s only the fact that he has no power over me whatsoever that I’m still in your life. ”
“Don’t be silly.”
“Really? He warned me off you within half an hour of knowing you.”
My eyes widen as I scan his face.
He nods. “Yeah. And I’m absolutely positive he’s done the same with your other men. He hated James.”
I think of my ex. I’d seen him for a few months, the longest relationship I’ve had. It had filtered out into nothing in the end. “James wasn’t right for me.”
“Was that before or after Jez got in James’s head with insinuations about your frequent hookups?”
“Stop,” I say.
“No, I won’t. If you ask me, he wants you and represses it behind seventy tons of bullshit.” He lowers his hands, hugging my waist and looking up at me. “Please think,” he urges. “What about Xavier?”
“What about him?”
“Well, doesn’t he get a say in this? You’re organising his life, after all.”
“He’ll get over it. It’s just puppy love.” I hug him, feeling his naked body slide against mine with a feeling of sadness, because I know this is the last time we’ll hold each other like this. “Thank you,” I whisper into his hair as he holds me close. “I know you’re looking out for me, but—”
I break off when there’s a click at the door, and it swings open. I turn my head, and with a weary inevitability, I see Xavier standing there with a keycard in his hand.
His mouth drops open as he stares at us. We’re standing naked with our arms wrapped around each other and devastation crushes his features. Then he visibly smooths it away and replaces it with his usual snarky expression.
“Well, this is a surprise, I have to say.”
Grey pulls away to shrug into his clothes. I open my mouth to deny everything and tell Xavier the truth, and then a thought slams into me with the force of a blow.
This is the way to end things.
I’m no good for him. He’s too bright and too bold to be saddled with an older man whose hands shake and who can’t bear enclosed spaces.
I would take him in the blink of an eye because somehow this week he became mine in a way no one else ever has.
While I wasn’t paying attention, he found a part of my heart that will always be his.
And the love I have for him won’t countenance him suffering from being with me.
I can’t cost him a relationship with his father. I have to do this for him.
I know Xavier won’t let go easy. He feels things so fiercely, partially because he’s so young, but his youth is in his favour.
Me breaking things off might hurt him for a bit, but it won’t be for long.
He’ll hate me for a few weeks, and then he’ll be off to art school and he’ll forget me.
I’ll become a distant memory he might examine when he’s older—a summer love.
The thought crushes me in a way I’m not sure I’ll come back from.
But I don’t want him hanging on to the idea of me he’s formed. He can have a relationship with his father, meet someone his own age, and never know the choices I’m making today.
“Well?” Xavier snaps.
My shrug is awkwardly jerky, but he doesn’t notice because he’s too angry. “Well, what?” I ask.
“Reuben?” Grey says uneasily.
Xavier glares at him before turning to me. “Well, I guess I was wrong to be worried about you.”
“You were worried?”
His eyes are huge in his pale face. “I knew you were bothered about the funeral. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I see Grey make a startled movement, but I carry on staring at Xavier, fixing his face in my memory. I won’t ever forget him.
“Well, as you can see, I’m fine.” It takes every bit of energy and will I have to make my tone cold. “Stop fixating on me. It’s getting a bit claustrophobic and boring. I can’t go anywhere without you checking on me like you’re my fucking wife.”
I’ve gone too far. Devastation’s making me clumsy. My harsh tone and cruel words make his face crumple for a horrible moment. Then he rallies. It makes me proud of him in a terrible way.
“So, who’s this?” he snaps, pointing to Grey. “Did you pick him up by the gravesite?” He glares at Grey. “He certainly looks ancient enough.”
Grey’s lips twitch. It figures. He admires bitchiness as if it were a valuable character trait.
I take a breath and make myself carry on with this awful thing. “This is who I was supposed to be meeting the day I picked you up in the bar. Xavier, meet Grey.”
Xavier flinches.
“Reuben,” Grey warns, his voice sharp. “Stop it.”
“Mind your own business,” Xavier snaps and turns back to me. “So, this is the fuck buddy, then?”
“Yep. We’ve been together a long time. Wait.
You sound hurt.” I paste a pitying, concerned look on my face.
“You didn’t actually think we were together, did you?
” I gesture between us, my fingers shaking, but he doesn’t notice.
He’s too hurt. My stomach twists like I’m going to throw up.
This is for him. Not me. I have to make this right so he’ll heal quickly.
He swallows. “No, of course not,” he says low.
I paste a relieved look on my face. I hope it hides the devastation. “Well, that’s good. I’m sorry if you thought we were something else. I can’t ever be exclusive.”
“Really?”
He’s brave, my boy. Very brave to show his hurt and betrayal. Later, he’ll become cynical and cover when he’s hurt, but right now it’s fresh and cutting, and he shows me everything.
“Yes, of course.” I put on a concerned voice. “You can’t think we could be anything else, Xavier. You’re far too young for me to consider anything exclusive or long term. You must know that.”
He folds his arms. “Oh, should I? Why don’t you tell me in simple words, then, why we don’t matter, Methuselah?”
I hear Grey suck in a breath, but I steel myself. “You want me to be honest?”
“No, I want you to lie to me, Reuben,” he drawls.
I make myself shrug. “You’re far too young and desperate for attention.
” That’s a low blow because I know that’s been a problem for him in the past, and I know it because he told me.
He handed me the ammunition for his own execution.
The words are broken glass in my throat, and they taste of copper and pain.
“I can’t be constantly pandering to your need for acknowledgement.
I have an important job to do, and no man will ever come in front of that. ”
By the time I’ve finished talking, I feel like all the life has drained out of my body and Xavier is sheet white. The only sound I hear is the harsh sawing of my breath.
Xavier stares at me, and my lovely sunny boy is gone. His eyes sparkle with hatred. “You’ll miss me,” he whispers.
I suck in a breath that hurts. “Maybe, but not enough.”
“Oh, I’m going to make sure you do. Every day you’ll think of me.
” He looks over at Grey. “Enjoy him while you can. Don’t stay too long or you’ll get freezer burn.
” He tosses the keycard on the bed, his eyes taking in the crumpled sheets, and his face squeezes into distress for a brief second, but then it’s gone, hidden away where I can’t see it. “Thank Jez for the key.”
“What?” I jerk out.
He shakes his head and doesn’t reply. Instead, he looks me up and down and then turns and walks out of my life.
The door closes behind him with a final-sounding click. I stay still, staring at it, willing him to open it again, to shout at me, to argue for us, but the silence is absolute and final.
Finally, Grey huffs. “I thought I’d seen you do some stupid things in your life, Reuben, but this took the biscuit. Did you need to be so cruel?”
“Yes.” My mouth feels numb. “He would never have given up on me otherwise. He loved me too much.”
He laughs, but there’s no humour in the sound. “Fucking hell, too much love is what most people search their whole lives for.” He comes close and cups my face. His fingers are warm against my cold skin. “I’m incredibly annoyed with you. I think you’ve probably ruined your chance at happiness.”
“It’s worth it for him.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“I know I’ll never forgive myself, but he’ll go on and have a happy life and meet someone his own age, and I’ll just be a distant memory.”
“And what about you?”
“I’ll go on too. I have work to do.”
“I think that might be your current mental state talking. You haven’t been right for a while, Reuben, making crazy decisions because you can’t stay still long enough to see the truth of what’s happening to you.” I don’t say anything, and he sighs. “I’ll always love you. But I’m going home.”
“I love you too.”
The room is quiet when he’s gone. I fumble my way into the hotel robe and then fall into a chair. It grows dark, but I sit still, my thoughts empty and cold.
The phone rings, the noise making me jump. I fumble for it. “Yes?”
“Have you done it?” Jez asks.
“Yes.”
His voice when he speaks is happy. “Good. It’s just you and me. You’re all mine again, Reuben.”