4 Sloane
September 2016
Lauren started dating Graham Clark three weeks into the semester—which was a lot sooner than I had ever anticipated. We’d gone to only a few Pike parties over the years, mostly their iconic LDOC parties each semester, but other than that, it wasn’t a house we frequented. With Lauren’s new girlfriend title though, we started getting invited to everything—pregames, parties, mixers, date functions, you name it.
Every Friday after our morning classes, Lauren, Jordan, and I would meet on the quad so we could walk to the food hall together for lunch. Most seniors didn’t eat on campus unless it was a grab-and-go situation, but we started that tradition freshman year, so of course we had to see it through. Plus, I’d never turn down Chick-fil-A.
“I still think it’s criminal that we have Friday classes. So many colleges don’t have them, or if they do they’re few and far between. Why couldn’t the orientation leaders warn us?” Lauren asked.
“We did go a little too hard last night,” I replied with a soft grin.
“Don’t remind me,” she groaned.
“And that’s exactly why they should serve chicken minis until at least noon—especially on the weekends,” Jordan added.
“J, that might’ve been the best idea you’ve ever had. Maybe you should DM them that suggestion on Twitter. Whenever they get my order wrong, I send it to them, and they give me a gift card,” I said.
“Oh my god, Sloane! You’re the worst.” Lauren playfully shoved me while Jordan laughed. “I’m glad we have a night to recover. What jersey are you guys wearing tomorrow?”
“Basketball jersey and Converse,” Jordan replied.
“Me too,” I chimed in.
“Easy enough.” Lauren laughed. “I feel like we haven’t been to a jersey party in years.”
“I think the last one we went to was Pike’s. What was that—sophomore year?” Jordan recounted.
Lauren thought for a second. “That sounds about right.”
“Do you guys think Ethan will be there?” I asked.
“Well, considering he’s not only a Pike but also Graham’s roommate and best friend, my money’s on yes. How serious is this crush anyway?” Lauren’s eyes lit up.
“I don’t know that I would call it a crush…” I backpedaled. “It was one kiss.”
Jordan leaned forward, intrigued. “Do you want there to be more?”
“I don’t know. I think so?” I admitted, fiddling with the hem of my T-shirt. “I just wish I knew how he felt. I don’t want to waste my time if he’s not interested.”
“Laur, now that you and Graham are official, I think you need to do a better job of wingmanning our girl Sloane.”
I approved “I like that idea, J.”.
“Alright, alright.” Lauren shrugged. “I know I haven’t been the most present roommate the past few weeks; things with Graham just went from zero to a hundred.”
Jordan rolled her eyes. “We know. You haven’t slept in your own bed since you met the guy!”
“Be nice.” I nudged Jordan.
Lauren stood up, stretching. “I’ll try to nonchalantly bring it up to Graham after the party tonight. Maybe he can give us some insight on Ethan’s love life, or better yet, how he feels about you.”
“That would be amazing,” I said, feeling a wave of relief.
“Consider it done,” Lauren said with a confident nod. “Now, let’s focus on more important things. What are we pregaming with?”
***
Graham invited us to pregame the jersey party at his apartment, and then pledges would sober-drive us to the house. I was scanning the room for any sign of Ethan, when out of the corner of my eye I saw him duck out onto the balcony. I hugged Graham as Jake handed us each a cup of PJ—better known as party juice—a concoction of vodka, rum, tequila, and fruit punch.
“You’re a Celtics fan?” a voice asked from behind me.
I turned around and was greeted by a very smiley, likely high Ethan.
“Believe it or not, I found this jersey at Goodwill a few years ago, hours before a Pike party.” I took a sip of PJ.
“Damn, quite the snag. I’m surprised to hear you were at a Pike party though. I thought you only fucked with Sigma Chis back then.”
“Yo, Brady.” Graham interrupted us. “Pledges are pulling up; you’re in our car.” We followed him to the parking lot where a line of cars was waiting.
“Lap up!” Jake instructed us as he took the front seat. Jordan sandwiched herself in the middle, and Lauren took her place on Graham’s lap, which was when I realized I’d have to do the same.
“Watch your head,” Ethan cautioned, his voice feeling slightly low and intimate in the close space.
I ducked, a shiver shooting down my spine, not from the cool September air but from the anticipation of proximity to Ethan. As I swung my legs over his, the brush of his skin against mine sent a wave of electricity through me.
Ethan’s hand came to rest on my thigh, a simple gesture that felt weighted with unspoken attraction. His other hand found a place around my hip, gripping me with a gentle pressure that made the butterflies in my stomach multiply. He pulled the door closed, and I watched the muscles in his forearm contract, the same way my heart seemed to any time I was around him. He’d kissed me only once and barely laid his hands on me, but somehow, I’d already melted into a puddle at his feet.
When we walked into the party together, it felt like we were together.
The house was exactly what you’d expect. Beer cans and empty liquor bottles were scattered on the floor, which was already coated in a layer of stickiness from the last party. Ethan led me to a keg on the back porch, introducing me to every person we passed. I felt important, and I never wanted the night to end.
“Thanks for the drink.” I smiled. “I need to go find the girls.”
“I’ll come. I’m gonna see if Graham wants to run the pong table with me.”
We made our way back through the party and into the kitchen where we found Lauren and Graham already playing beer pong.
“We’ve got next game,” he bent down and whispered in my ear.
“I feel like I should warn you that I kind of suck. Flip cup is more my thing.”
“Well then, I want you on my team for that too.”
“Let’s gooooo!” Graham held up his cup and chugged it to let everyone in the room know that he won—again. “Brady, you up next?”
Ethan guided me to the other side of the table by taking my hand. He rearranged the cups while I filled them with keg beer.
“Be right back,” he mouthed. Shortly, he returned with two fresh drinks. “Alright, let’s do this.”
To no one’s surprise, we lost.
“Told you I was terrible,” I said, hanging my head.
“We’ll get ’em next time,” Ethan assured me.
I weaved in and out of the sweaty crowd until I located the line for the bathroom, where I was hoping to find Jordan.
“What’s taking so long?” A girl in the front of the line banged on the door. “Some of us out here actually have to pee!”
Not even a few seconds later, a guy opened the door hand in hand with a girl. That girl was Jordan.
“Sloane!” She wrapped me in a hug as I watched the girls around me roll their eyes. I was too sober and too embarrassed to be here right now. “We’re going home. Will you be good?”
I looked past her and gave the guy from the bathroom a full up-down. Before I could ask any questions, Graham came up from behind him and they dapped each other up.
“Leaving so soon, Jordan?” He winked.
“Yep,” she declared. “With your good pal Pat here.”
“Don’t worry, Pat’s a good guy,” Graham assured me. “There’s another bathroom upstairs if you want to come with me.”
I followed Graham up the wooden staircase, past all of the fraternity composites that dated back to the ’90s. I wondered where the rest were, but before I could ask, a group of guys emerged from one of the bedrooms with a beer bong that was at least twenty feet long.
“’Sup, Graham, you guys headed to the bathroom?” a tall blond-ish guy asked.
“Yeah, didn’t want her to have to wait in that line downstairs,” Graham explained.
“Don’t blame you, but when she’s done, you’ve both gotta do this.” He held up the beer bong.
“Dude, stop making people pay to use the bathroom.,” another guy said. “You guys can use mine.”
“Thanks, Reese,” Graham said as he motioned for me to follow him. “Reese, this is Sloane by the way. She’s my girlfriend’s roommate.”
“Roommates make us sound like we met on Facebook or something. Lauren’s my best friend,” I interjected.
“Nice to meet you Lauren’s best friend and roommate, Sloane.” Reese stuck his hand out and I followed suit. “I’ll leave you guys to it. See you down there.”
“You go ahead. I’ll wait in the hall. Don’t need you to get peer pressured by the beer bong on your way out.”
As he closed the door behind him, I made my way through what seemed to be the master bedroom. It was unusually neat for a college guy. He had a bed frame, box spring, four pillows, and curtains that matched his bedding. Once I located the bathroom, I turned the lock on the knob so that no one accidentally barged in. The bathroom mimicked the same cleanliness as the bedroom, which was refreshing for a frat party. Before I rejoined Graham in the hall, I fixed my hair and reapplied a quick layer of lip gloss.
As Graham and I made our descent down the stairs, a group of guys at the top were funneling the beer to the guys at the bottom. I couldn’t imagine what kind of sticky mess they’d wake up to in the morning.
“There you are!” Lauren greeted us in the foyer. “I just beer-bonged a whole Twisted Tea!”
“That’s my girl! Now let’s go get you some water.” Watching Graham and Lauren together made me happy. Lauren’s last boyfriend was the worst. If you looked up cheater, liar, manipulator, or gaslighter in the dictionary, his picture would be next to all of them. She met him in high school, and he followed her to Wilmington for college (as the most toxic of people do). He cheated on her for the entirety of our freshman year, but she didn’t find out until the girl he was sleeping with messaged Lauren directly. It was a whole thing. Luckily though, she grew a lot from it and is finally with someone who couldn’t be kinder.
I walked out onto the front porch, where a few people sat on the stoop, passing around a joint. I pulled my phone out to call an Uber when a familiar voice called out from behind me.
“Leaving already?” Ethan asked.
“Yeah, thinking about it. Jordan left, and I really don’t want to spend the night following those two lovebirds around,” I explained, only half joking.
“Why don’t we go back to my place? I have some weed, and I bet there’s leftover PJ. I’ll call us a pledge; that way you don’t have to spend money on a ride.”
“Are you sure? You don’t have to leave with me.”
“I know I don’t have to. I want to.” In one swift motion, he put his arm around me, locked my phone, and with the other hand dialed a ride on his.
***
Ethan and I stumbled up the staircase, and our tipsy laughter immediately faded when we opened the door to his apartment. The sight that greeted us was more than unpleasant—empty beer cans and plastic cups littered every surface, like an art installation gone incredibly wrong. The freshly painted walls had a few mysterious stains and smudges, while the lingering scent of spilled drinks and weed filled the living room.
“Where are your trash bags?” I asked as I stepped into the kitchen, nose scrunched.
“Don’t worry about it. The guys and I can clean up in the morning,” Ethan replied.
“How can you sleep knowing all of this”—I motioned to the mess around us—“is right outside of your bedroom door?”
“If you insist on cleaning this up with me, the trash bags are under the sink, along with Clorox. Will you set a bag out for me while I grab a charger for the speaker? I can’t clean in silence.” He walked away while I got to work dumping half-empty beers, stacking cups, and throwing them all in the trash bag I hung on a cabinet.
“How does a 2000s hip-hop playlist sound?” Ethan emerged from his room.
“Lauren loves this playlist!” I said. “Can you start with ‘No Scrubs’? That’s my favorite pregame song.”
“That would be your favorite pregame song.” Ethan rolled his eyes but scrolled to find it anyway. “That song isn’t even on the playlist.”
I frowned. “You probably don’t have the right playlist up.”
“This is the top-ranked on Spotify.” Ethan held out his phone so I could see for myself.
“Lauren must’ve made her own then. Let me look up her profile.” I took it from his hands and within seconds had our go-to playlist on the screen.
“Hart, this is not the best of 2000s hip-hop.” He scanned through every song. “Usher, Fergie, TLC. Who the hell is JoJo?”
“An icon. Just play it. This is the best of 2000s hip-hop according to us,” I insisted.
After thirty minutes of cleaning and Ethan begging me to let him change the playlist, the apartment was finally spotless—besides the four trash bags and broken-down beer cases we left near the front door. Ethan poured us each a cup of PJ and led me onto the balcony, where two lone folding chairs sat overlooking the pool.
“After you.” He motioned to a chair.
“I love what you’ve done with the place.” I laugh and settle into my seat.
“We’re three college dudes; what do you expect?” He scooted his chair closer to mine before sitting down.
We sat in silence for a few minutes while the light in the pool changed colors. Our apartment had the same view, just one floor lower, and I don’t think I’d stepped on the balcony once.
“Want a hit?” Ethan picked up a bong off the ground and held it out to me.
“No, thanks,” I replied. “I don’t smoke.”
“Have you ever?” He seemed surprised.
“Never. I’m a pretty anxious person, and I think smoking would make it even worse,” I explained.
“What makes you anxious?” Ethan asked as he packed the bowl and reached into his pocket for a lighter.
“A lot of things.” I thought for a second. “Change is a big one. New schedules, new classes, new professors. It’s kind of ironic though. I grew up moving around a lot because of my mom’s job, so I never got to really settle in anywhere. You’d think I’d be used to the idea of change by now.”
I took a sip of my PJ and watched as he inhaled. The bubbling water in the bong produced a soothing sound that filled our silence.
He exhaled before replying. “Was that hard for you? I’ve only ever lived in Wilmington my entire life. It’s lame, huh?”
“That doesn’t sound lame to me. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to live in the same place for more than a few years. I wonder how different my life would be if that had been the case.”
That conversation was deeper than I ever expected to get with Ethan. Even though it wasn’t much, I could tell he was getting comfortable opening up to me—well, at least when he wasn’t sober.
“So if you don’t smoke, how do you relax? Like to calm your anxiety?” His tone was genuine.
“Hm.” I thought for a second. “Besides surrounding myself with friends, I like to watch a comfort TV show or write.”
“Write?”
I could feel my face turning red. Should I have mentioned that? I can never understand the line between sharing just enough and sharing a little too much.
I swallowed. “It’s just something I’ve always done since I was younger. When I have a lot of overwhelming feelings that I don’t know how to process, I write them down. I also started freelancing for a few publications last year to make some extra money. What about you? Do you have any hobbies?”
“Sports,” he replied instantly. “I played football my entire life and had always dreamed of playing in college, but it just didn’t work out. Now I just watch a lot of sports and coach kids part-time at the YMCA.”
“Do you coach football?”
“In the fall, yeah, but in the spring, I also do soccer and baseball. It’s easy since they’re all under twelve years old.”
“Do you have younger siblings?”
“I’m an only child.” He took another hit from the bong.
“Me too. I wish I had siblings though, like a big family. Have you ever watched Shameless? They’re the least functional TV family, but there’s never a dull moment. I feel like that’d be more fun than the loneliness I felt growing up.” I knew I was past tipsy by the way I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.
“I get that. I’ve known Graham since first grade. We got really close, so he and his brother became like family to me.” He fell silent for a second. “Shameless, should we watch?”
My heart was pounding in my chest as Ethan led me through the apartment and into his room. I was in Ethan Brady’s bedroom—the room he slept in, the room that knew all his deepest darkest secrets—I was standing in the middle of it. For a split second, I wondered how many girls he’d brought back here before. Surely I couldn’t have been the first. I tried to drown out the thought.
His bed was placed in the same spot as mine, in the corner against the wall. He had a gray comforter with navy blue sheets, and a New England Patriots flag hung above the headboard.
I took a seat on the edge of his bed and unlaced my high-top sneakers as he flicked through Netflix to find the show. He sat upright so that his back was flush with the headboard and patted the mattress as if he wanted me to sit next to him.
“You like this show?” he asked a few minutes into the first episode when someone’s bare butt came across the screen.
“We can shut it off.” I laughed awkwardly. “I forgot there was some nudity.”
“Nudity. So formal.”
The show continued to play while he turned to face me. I did the same. We stared at each other as I took in every detail of him. His long eyelashes, the freckles on his nose, the way he licked his lips when he was nervous. Then he leaned in to kiss me. Our mouths became one, and I felt more at home than I’d ever been. My tongue followed his motions as his hand made its way to my back and up my shirt. We didn’t go any further, even though every ounce of me wanted to. I liked that we were taking it slow.
“You wanna know something, Hart?” He parted his lips from mine.
“Sure.” I backed up so that our faces were more than just a few inches apart.
“I don’t really talk to people the way we talked outside earlier,” he admitted.
“You mean to girls?”
“To anyone. Not even Graham.”
“What makes me different?” Curiosity piqued my interest.
“I trust you.” He pulled me toward him so that my body was flush with his, and then he kissed me again. I wondered if he meant what he said or if he was just drunk or high. Either way, I fell asleep in his arms and hoped that it wouldn’t be the last time.
***
The next morning, I woke up fully clothed on top of Ethan’s comforter—basketball jersey and all. His arm was draped over my stomach, and the sound of light snoring filled the room. I quietly wiggled my way out from under him and grabbed my shoes before sneaking out of his apartment. I didn’t want to risk a sober run-in with Graham or Jake, because the thought of holding a conversation with anyone right now made my head throb.
The alarm clock on my nightstand read 7:45 a.m., so I changed into pajamas and climbed back into my bed to make up for the hours of sleep I lost the night before. As I drifted off, I replayed everything over and over again.
I was falling for Ethan Brady, and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to stop myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this alive.