8 Sloane
December 2018
The last day of the fall semester fell on a Wednesday. It was one of those December nights that felt cold enough to snow, even though it never would. Classes were finally over, which meant there was only one semester of senior year left. Only fifteen short weeks until I would be catapulted into adulthood. It was equal parts exciting and terrifying.
Things with Ethan were good. Dare I say great? Besides one small thing…
We still weren’t dating.
As far as I was concerned, we were exclusive. We spent every night together, so we had no room to hook up with other people. I knew that wasn’t the issue. It was him. I’d learned through sound bites from Lauren and Graham that Ethan had a traumatic past. I didn’t question them because I wanted him to be the one to tell me—when he was ready. I wasn’t sure if his past had anything to do with his fear of commitment, but that’s what I decided to chalk it up to for now. It had only been about two months of us consistently seeing each other, so it didn’t seem that crazy that we weren’t official yet. Right?
Pike’s first-semester LDOC party was always holiday themed, so wearing an ugly Christmas sweater was a tradition. I borrowed one of Lauren’s and paired it with some over-the-knee boots and a choker necklace. For someone who didn’t have anything to wear twenty minutes before the pregame, I was impressed with the outcome.
“Are you almost ready?” Lauren peered through the doorway, a smile plastered across her face. “Oh my god, you look gorgeous! Ethan is going to lose his mind when he sees you tonight. Things seem to be going really well with him, huh? How are you feeling about everything?”
“Have I ever told you how annoying you are?” I teased. “We’re good, I think. We haven’t defined anything just yet, but there’s something there—I can tell.”
Lauren leaned against the doorframe, her curiosity obvious. “And that doesn’t bother you? Not knowing, I mean. I’d be so anxious to know where things stand. Aren’t you?”
I paused, considering her words. “I guess part of me does want to know. But he’s made his feelings clear—he likes me, and for now, that’s enough. It’s not just physical; it’s more…you know?” I looked at Lauren, seeking some semblance of understanding.
“I just want you to be careful, Sloane. Graham mentioned that Ethan’s not the type to date, historically speaking. It’s been a decade of bachelorhood for him. I’d really hate to see you end up hurt.” She bit her lip, concern shining through.
“And why can’t I be the exception to his rule?” I shot back with a half smile.
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have assumed. Forget I mentioned it. Let’s make tonight about having fun, okay?” Lauren replied, her expression softening.
“Absolutely. I’m happy with where things are at with Ethan. There’s no rush to label it.” Part of me agreed with the words that were coming out of my mouth, but another part knew that they weren’t necessarily true.
Lauren nodded, her earlier hesitation replaced with a supportive grin. “If you’re happy, then that’s all that matters to me.”
I felt a rush to my head as I slid out of the car behind the girls. I didn’t mean to get that tipsy at the pregame, but I forgot to eat dinner, and by the time I remembered, it was too late.
“Remind me again why we couldn’t ride with the guys?” Jordan asked.
“They said they needed extra hands for the party setup tonight,” Lauren replied. “Whatever that means.”
“Sloane, you good?” Taylor looked back to check on me, and instead of replying I just held two thumbs up.
“Let’s make sure to find you some water when we get inside.”
The bass-heavy Christmas music filled the air as we walked through the back door. The entire house had been enveloped in an illusion of winter. Mimicking snow, a sea of white packing peanuts crunched beneath my feet as I moved through the crowd. Strings of colorful lights adorned the low ceiling, casting a warm and somewhat cozy glow for a disgusting frat basement. Some of the younger brothers were even dressed as elves and played bartenders for the night. The boys had truly gone all out for their last Christmas party.
“Can I get you girls something to drink?” Graham greeted us. “We have candy cane cocktails and keg beer.”
“Sloane needs water, but probably a beer too. Can you make the rest of us cocktails while I run upstairs to grab her some?” Lauren kissed Graham’s cheek and then disappeared into the sea of people.
“Ladies, follow me to the bar.”
In a drunken haze, I did what I was told. As we approached the bar, I scanned the basement for Ethan without any luck. Graham handed me a Solo cup full of beer, just as Lauren returned with a bottle of water.
“Where’s Ethan?” Lauren turned to Graham. “I’m not sure how long she’ll last. She hasn’t eaten dinner.”
I finally spoke. “I’m gonna be fine!”
“There she is!” Taylor threw her arm around me. “Jordan and I can stick with her for the night. I’m sure Ethan’s around here somewhere though.”
“Chug this,” Lauren said.
Just as I was halfway through the bottle, the DJ started playing “This Is What You Came For,” and I about lost it.
“Let’s dance!” I pulled Lauren, Jordan, and Taylor into the crowd.
“This is how I know she’s drunk.”
“She hates dancing!”
I ignored their comments and let myself enjoy the moment. As the pulsating rhythm washed over me, I felt a familiar tingle of exhilaration, a sensation that had carried me through the best moments of my college life. Surrounded by my best friends, I lost myself in the intoxicating melody of a song that I never wanted to forget.
After an hour on the dance floor, we needed to use the bathroom and refill our drinks. Waiting in line for the bar, I noticed Ethan out of the corner of my eye.
“Can you guys stay in line? I’m gonna go say hi to Ethan!” I said.
I made my way across the basement, and as I got closer to Ethan, I noticed he was talking to another girl. I saw her take what I assume was her phone back from him and continue whatever conversation they were having. A mix of anger and alcohol caused me to do something that was usually out of my comfort zone: confront them.
“Hi.” I fake smiled at Ethan and then turned to the mystery girl. “I’m Sloane.”
“Hey, I’m Olivia,” she responded. Her reply was polite, unaffected by the tension that had arisen.
I could tell Ethan was getting uncomfortable, but I didn’t care.
“What are you doing?” I turned back to him.
“Sloane, not here,” he replied, his tone a low but firm warning.
“I’m gonna go,” Olivia interjected, quickly excusing herself. “It was nice meeting you.”
“Who was that?” I asked as she walked away.
“No one. Just a girl I met a few minutes ago.” He offered a nonchalant shrug, trying to downplay the encounter.
“I didn’t know you were talking to other girls.”
“I’m not really,” he said.
“So what was that?” The question hung between us.
“Can we not do this here?”
Before I could respond, Ethan took my hand and led me outside. I felt nauseous, and I wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or the sinking feeling of seeing him with a girl that wasn’t me.
The back door slammed shut behind us, and goose bumps immediately covered my entire body. The cold air bit at the exposed skin on my thighs between the oversized sweater and knee-high boots. We took a seat on an old leather couch that sat in the corner of the patio underneath some twinkling lights. The winter chill seeped into my bones, making me shiver as I wrapped my arms around myself. Even though I was mad at him, as Ethan’s warmth radiated beside me, I couldn’t help but feel a contrasting warmth in my chest.
“Why’d you act like that?” He turned to face me.
“I hadn’t seen you all night, and then when I finally did you were talking to another girl. What was I supposed to think?” I defended myself.
His reply was dismissive. “It was nothing, Sloane.”
Something about hearing him use my first name felt wrong.
“She was clearly interested in you and you gave her your number. How is that nothing?”
“I was being nice. What was I supposed to say when she asked? No? It’s not like I have a girlfriend,” he said so casually, which only fueled my frustration.
I stood up, angry and eager to remove myself from the situation.
“There it is.” The words were bitter on my tongue. “That was what I was waiting for. So I’m good enough to hang out with, I’m good enough to fuck, but I’m not good enough to date?”
“You’re putting words in my mouth,” he deflected.
“Because you’re not actually saying anything! You’re running me in circles. I might be drunk but I’m not stupid, Ethan.” I spat his name like it didn’t belong in my mouth anymore.
“Let’s just go.” He pushed himself off the couch abruptly. “I’m not in the mood to party anymore.”
“Who said I wanted to go home with you?”
“Sloane, you’re being ridiculous right now. You’re drunk. Let’s just go back to Ascent and talk about things tomorrow when we’re both sober.” His reply felt condescending.
The thought of going home without him made me feel empty inside, so reluctantly I agreed. He pulled out his phone to call us an Uber and then wrapped his arms around me. As mad as I may have been at him, the warmth his body brought me was something I couldn’t do without in that moment. And even though I hate to admit it, his arms were the only place I wanted to be.
***
Light just barely seeped through his broken blinds, which meant it was still early. I rolled over to face Ethan as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my body as close to his as it could get.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He stopped my apology. “You don’t need to be.”
“I was just drunk and upset,” I explained, tilting my head so I was looking up at him.
“You had every right to be upset. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“I didn’t want to ask this question but”—I gulped—“I feel like I have to after last night.”
He waited for me to continue.
“What are we doing?”
“I don’t know, Hart.” Ethan pulled me in closer. “I don’t know.”
I laid my head on his bare chest and admired the freckles that covered his upper body. We started kissing easily, like waking up together was something we’d done hundreds of times before.
“Whatever it is, I like it though,” he whispered. His mouth was practically touching my ear, which sent shivers down my spine.
I relished the words. They were all I had wanted to hear for months. They let me know that maybe I wasn’t making a mistake by taking a chance on him.
“Me too.” I smiled.
That moment was my undoing. Ethan Brady had me and he knew it. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was holding my bare heart in his hands. I was so afraid of what he might do to it, but I also couldn’t wait to find out.