12 Ethan
February 2017
No part of me wanted to hurt Sloane. The day we met, I knew things would be different with her, which is why I tried to stay away. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but something about her made me want to try. It just wasn’t enough. I realized that eventually I was going to end up hurting her one way or another—even more than I already had. Seeing her cry last night made me want to tell her everything. I wanted to lay it all out for her so she would understand, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be this way, but it was who I was after a life of heartbreak and disappointment.
I unplugged my phone from the charger and scrolled aimlessly for a little while. My thumb wavered over the Facebook icon before I decided to tap it. In the search bar, her name was recently viewed: Laura Brady. She still hadn’t changed her last name, even though she’d remarried. I clicked on her latest profile picture, which said it was posted two weeks ago. The Christmas tree in the background told me the photo was taken around the holidays. She was smiling and posing with her daughter—the half sister I’d never met and likely never would.
I closed out of the app before I spiraled down that rabbit hole any further, and rolled over. As much as I hated to admit it, I missed Sloane. I missed the comfort of sharing a bed with her every night. Knowing she was next to me made it easier to sleep. That was something I never thought I’d say.
***
The next morning, I wandered out of bed and into the kitchen, where Graham was making a huge stack of protein pancakes while Jake played video games. In the two years we’d been roommates, absolutely nothing had changed.
“Hey, man, want some?” Graham motioned toward the plate of food.
“No bacon?” I asked as I took a seat at the counter.
“In the oven. I’m too lazy to deal with a mess this morning,” he replied. “So were you gonna tell me about Sloane?”
“Shit. It’s barely been twelve hours since our conversation. News travels fast around Ascent. Lauren, I assume?”
“Yep. So what happened?”
I turned around to see if Jake had paused the game to hop into the conversation, but he still had his headset on, which meant I could be a little more honest. I didn’t mind talking about things with Jake; there was just a lot he didn’t know about me that I didn’t want to have to explain.
“I didn’t want to string her along anymore. It’s not fair.”
“Well yeah, we all knew that. I thought you liked her. At least it seemed like it.” Graham pulled the tray full of bacon out of the oven and set it on the stove.
“It’s not that simple,” I said. “I’m not ready for a full-on relationship. Do I have fun with her? Yes. Do I like her? Yes. Do I want the responsibilities and expectations that come with a relationship? No. That’s what made me realize I needed to end things before they got too deep.”
“Seems like you were a little too late, buddy.” He handed me a plate of bacon, and I took a handful before Jake devoured the rest.
“What time should we hit the gym today?” Jake asked.
“I have class until four. Do you want to meet then?” Graham replied.
“Works for me.” I shoved a piece of bacon in my mouth and patted Graham on the back as a thank-you before going into my room to shower and head to campus earlier than usual to avoid any shuttle run-ins. I didn’t want to upset her more than I already had.