17 Sloane
June 2017
“I think he’s here!” Lauren shouted from the other side of the apartment.
I ran to her room and joined her in looking out of the window. Ethan was wearing a navy T-shirt and the gray Lululemon shorts I helped him pick out. His hair was tucked into a baseball cap, but I could tell it had gotten longer by the way it stuck out of the back.
“I’m nervous,” I admitted.
Butterflies filled my stomach—it felt just like the first time we met.
“Go get him.” She nudged me. “I’ll join you for a drink, and then I’m off to my date.”
The week we moved, Lauren started swiping her way through several dating apps, trying to fill the quiet gaps that a lack of friends left in our new life. It was an adjustment going from knowing everyone in a small town like Wilmington to knowing no one in New York City.
I picked up the pace as I walked down the stairs of our third-floor walk-up. Through the frosted glass door, I could see Ethan’s silhouette. I couldn’t believe he was finally here. It didn’t feel real.
“Hey, you.” His smile filled his entire face as I opened the door to let him in.
“Hi.” I smiled back, feeling my face go flush.
The door closed behind him, and he dropped his bag to the floor so he could pull me in for a hug. We stayed like that for a minute before he grabbed my face with both of his hands and stared at me.
“You have more freckles,” he noted.
“So do you.” I ran my finger over his cheeks and nose.
Then he kissed me.
God, I missed kissing him. His lips were home, and I didn’t realize just how homesick I’d been until I got to kiss them again. I knew we had to pull apart, but I wasn’t ready yet. How do you let go of someone who feels like home?
“I’ve missed you,” I said when our lips eventually separated.
But instead of replying, Ethan just kissed me again.
“Show me the way, Hart.”
“Lauren’s home, but she’s leaving for a date in a little. Knowing her, they’ll be out all night,” I joked, sort of.
We walked through the front door, and I watched as Ethan took in the sight before his eyes. Our apartment wasn’t the nicest, but we made it work. It had a large living room and a small, closet-sized kitchen. Luckily, we didn’t cook much.
“Hey guys, hope you don’t mind I poured myself a glass to take the edge off.” Lauren stood at our makeshift bar, which was just a tall console table and barstools that backed up to our couch.
“Hey, Lauren.” Ethan gave her a side-hug. “How’s the city life treating you?”
“It’s been good! I’m pretty sure the boys I nanny are spawns of Satan himself but other than that, life’s great. You can’t really be too sad about anything when you live in Manhattan. You know?”
“I hear ya.” He laughed, then turned to me. “Where’s your room? I’m gonna shower and change if that’s cool.”
“Down the hall to your right. And the bathroom is the door straight ahead between both of our rooms. There’s a towel on my dresser for you.”
Once Ethan had disappeared down the hallway, I turned to Lauren and shot her a huge smile. I loved that his presence did that to me.
“Alright, stop making me so jealous,” she mocked.
“So where’s the date?” I asked.
“Some bar in the West Village.” She shrugged. “I think it’s close to his place. I’m not trying to crash with you two tonight.”
“Don’t feel like you can’t come back!” I reassured her.
“I know, I just really don’t want to.” Lauren laughed. “Okay, I’m out of here. Have fun tonight!”
Once Lauren was gone, I made my way down the hall to find Ethan. The shower wasn’t running, but the bathroom door was still closed. I knocked lightly and then peeked my head in before he could answer.
“Hey, hey!” He quickly covered himself up.
“Oh shush, can you get ready so we can actually spend time together?” I wrapped my arms around his torso and pressed my cheek up to his back. I didn’t care that my clothes were getting wet from the spots he didn’t fully dry.
“Anything for you.” He grabbed my hand and kissed it.
“Seriously.” I led him into the bedroom so he could change.
“Is Lauren gone? What if we just—” With one swift move, my body was flush against his bare chest.
“We have a reservation!” I frowned, even though a part of me wanted to.
“Alright, alright.”
***
Summer in Manhattan was surprisingly hot, especially underground. By the time we got off the subway, we were five minutes late for our dinner reservation. The top restaurant to try that summer, according to The Gist, was The Smith. We got seated at a two-top in the back of the restaurant, surrounded by other couples. I ordered us an appetizer and a bottle of wine to share.
“I hate to ask but,” Ethan started, “do you mind if we split the check? I had to dip into savings for the plane ticket, and I’m not getting as many hours at the golf course as I’d hoped.”
“Stop,” I cut him off. “I wanted to get tonight’s dinner anyway, but we can split everything else this weekend. I’m just glad you’re here.”
“Thanks.” He half smiled.
After we finished our main courses and the bottle of wine, I paid the check and texted Lauren to see where she was so we could meet up. I wasn’t ready for the night to end.
“Lauren said they’re still out,” I said. “I was thinking we could stop in for a drink?”
“I’m exhausted. Could we just go back to your place and turn on a movie?”
“Sure, yeah, that’s fine.” I sighed, trying to make my disappointment evident.
“Sloane.” He picked up my hand and held it in his. “I just need a breather. Let’s pack it all in tomorrow.”
When we got back to the apartment, I changed into a big T-shirt and pajama shorts while Ethan poured us each a glass of wine. By the end of the movie, we’d finished a bottle of red and he was playing with the drawstring on my shorts. A small part of me was mad and didn’t want to give in to the temptation, but I reminded myself how much I’d missed him in the month we spent apart, and the next thing I knew I was sliding my hand under the waistband of his boxers. I wanted to make him realize how much he missed me and how much he needed me. Maybe then he’d consider moving here.
We made our way to my bedroom, kissing and stumbling the entire way there. I pushed him onto the bed and got on top, both of us still fully dressed. I continued to kiss him and take off his clothes, piece by piece. It turned me on more than anything to know that I was getting him off.
He quickly took control, and in one swift motion, he was on top of me.
“Want me to fuck you like I missed you?” he whispered.
It was soft at first, but then became more urgent. My legs wrapped around his waist, a motion I was all too familiar with. I liked when he was on top; it felt more intimate. I could see his face, look into his eyes, and feel him in more ways than one.
He squeezed my throat as his tongue found its way back into my mouth. My back arched, and I let out a small moan when his teeth sank into my bottom lip.
For the next few minutes, I forgot what it was like to miss him and remembered what it was like to have him.
***
Before my alarm went off, I woke up nestled under Ethan’s arm while he lay on his back snoring. It was a small insignificant moment, but it was one that made me appreciate just how badly I wanted to wake up like that every day. After a few minutes spent daydreaming about a future with Ethan, I crept out of bed and headed to the bathroom to freshen up. I took a quick glance into Lauren’s room to see if she had returned, but her bed was untouched and empty. I quickly got dressed, putting on a sports bra, shorts, and sneakers before heading out to our favorite bagel shop.
When I returned with breakfast, Ethan was lying on the couch in nothing but his boxers, scrolling on his phone. I set the brown bag on the coffee table and handed him a small hot black coffee. Just the way he liked it.
“You might want to put some clothes on. Lauren will probably be back soon.”
“It’s just so hot in here. This window air-conditioning unit sucks.”
I rolled my eyes. It was like he was trying to hate everything about the city without even giving it a chance. I didn’t respond and instead decided to decompress with a shower. Ethan made his way in a few minutes later, and I let him because I didn’t want to miss another minute with him.
“Why have we never done that before?”
I planted a small kiss on his lips and wrapped the towel around my shivering body. Showering with someone else was one of my least favorite experiences, but I’d never let him know that. I’d do almost anything to please him. I wanted to make him realize that I was more than enough.
“What’s on the agenda today?” His mood seemed to have lifted.
“I was thinking we could walk around SoHo and grab lunch. I haven’t been down there yet. Then we’ll head back here to change before the Yankee game.”
“What?”
“I got us tickets to the game tonight. I know it’s not a big one, but I got us good seats. I get a discount through work.”
“Sloane, that’s awesome. Thank you so much.” He grabbed my face and kissed it all over. I loved making him happy.
***
It took us over an hour to get into the Bronx. The subway ride was rough, but we brought a water bottle with vodka in it, so that at least made it bearable.
When we got through the line and into Yankee Stadium, we waited in another line for beer before making our way to section 103.
“These seats are sick!” Ethan said as we sat down.
“You can thank The Gist. My salary might be entry-level, and my position might not be the one I wanted, but at least I get some perks.”
“Do they need any new employees?” he joked.
“Very funny. Before the game starts, can we take a picture for my story?” I opened the app, pointed the front camera at us, and tilted my head closer to his. We both smiled as I snapped the photo.
He followed it up with, “Don’t post that.”
I took off my sunglasses and looked at him. “Are you serious?”
“You can save it. But just don’t post it.”
“Why?” I was starting to get pissed off.
“I don’t know. I just don’t understand why every time girls do something, they have to post about it.”
“God forbid you come and visit me in New York, I take you to a Yankee game and want to post about it. I really don’t see the big deal. I used to post pictures of us.”
“Whatever, just do what you want.”
I saved the photo and never posted it. At that point, I didn’t want to. Why did he have to be like that? Was he trying to hide that he was visiting me? Was he trying to hide me? The entire game that was all I could think about.
At the bottom of the fifth inning, Ethan went to find us food and more drinks. I stayed at our seats and texted Lauren to complain because I knew she’d understand.
“Here you go.” Ethan handed me a hot dog and a Blue Moon. “Hope these are okay.”
“How much was everything?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
I passive-aggressively enjoyed my hot dog and waited for the game to end. I wanted to be anywhere else, but even with the discount, the seats weren’t cheap. So I sat in silence until they won. At least we had that going for us. After the game, we went to a dive bar down the street where I drank too much, so Ethan called us an Uber back into the city. My last memory of the night was falling asleep in the back seat.
Morning came, and I was upset that I let a small argument get in the way of Ethan’s last night in the city. He would be leaving a few hours later, and I wished that I could press rewind and start the weekend over again.
“I wish you could stay.” I rolled over and positioned my body closer to his.
“Me too.” He stroked my hair.
“This weekend felt different.” The words escaped my mouth before I could stop them.
“Yeah, it did kind of.”
To avoid the subject further, I got on top of him and started kissing him. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me, and I knew how much he loved morning sex, so I did just that.
I peeled off his T-shirt, followed by his boxers, and within seconds he found his way into me.
“Just like that,” he groaned. “You feel so good.”
“Kiss me,” I murmured.
He did more than that. Ethan flipped me over so that he was on top. He kissed me, and I relished every second of it. His pace quickened as my breaths became shorter, and I could tell we only had a few seconds left.
I wasn’t ready.
I wasn’t ready for him to leave.
“I’m close.” He pressed his mouth up to my ear.
I wasn’t, but I couldn’t focus on anything besides the thought of how he wouldn’t be in my bed tonight. I let out a few quiet moans, and that was all it took.
“Fuck, Sloane.” He rolled over onto the pillow beside me and let out a deep sigh. “Maybe we can go one more round,” he offered, but we both knew we didn’t have time for that.
An hour later he stood in the living room, freshly showered, bag packed, and Uber ordered. I walked him downstairs as we waited for the car to pull up. Neither of us were talking because we didn’t know what to say. I hated goodbyes, and this one was proving worse than I’d expected.
I think Ethan could tell I was on the verge of tears because he pulled me toward him and wrapped me in his arms. The warmth of his body gave me comfort until his ride pulled up. He waited another minute before pulling away.
“See you soon, Hart.”
I watched the car drive away, and a tear fell down my cheek. Why did this have to be so hard? Our relationship had always been hard, and I was ready for it to be easy. Didn’t we at least deserve that?
***
It was getting dark out, and I hadn’t heard from Ethan. I assumed that he had made it home safely but sent a text to be sure. He didn’t fly too often, so maybe he just didn’t realize what texting etiquette was like when it came to taking off and landing.
Time ticked by—two hours and three unread messages later, my phone finally buzzed. I braced myself as I glimpsed the length of his response, the longest I’d ever seen from him, and felt a sudden pit forming in my stomach.
10:18 p.m.
Ethan Brady:I’m sorry to do this over text, but I couldn’t find the words earlier. I don’t think this is something I can do anymore. I feel so bad saying that, but you deserve someone who’s ready to go all in with you. I’m just not there yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever be. I never pictured myself in a relationship or getting married, but when you came along, I was confused. I still am. I want what’s best for you, and I’m not it. I have problems that you don’t want to get involved in, and as much as it kills me, I know I have to let you go. You deserve so much more than me.
Ethan’s words felt cold and final on my screen, but they were nothing I hadn’t heard before.
I’m sorry to do this over text…The message echoed in my mind as I read it again, disbelief and anger bubbling up inside me. With my heart pounding hard against my ribs, I hit the call button, each ring sending shivers down my spine.
The moment he answered, I let it all out. “Are you kidding me, Ethan? Over text?”
“Sloane, I—”
“No, just don’t,” I snapped, cutting him off. “You spend the whole weekend here, and you can’t even say it to my face? That was your exit strategy?”
“I know,” he sighed heavily. “I wanted to. I just—I couldn’t. I knew how emotional it would be, and this relationship was already hard enough on both of us. I didn’t want to make it worse.”
“Well, you managed to make it so much worse. I hate you, Ethan. With every fiber of my being, I hate you for this. This entire year. How could you do this to me? You let me fall for you. You let me believe you’d eventually get there. You even let me believe things were okay all weekend. You had every opportunity to end it, and this is how you chose to do so? I should’ve known…” My voice was sharp.
I might have sounded tough, but on the other side of the phone I was falling apart.
He spoke again, his voice low. “I’m sorry, Sloane. I’m so, so sorry.”
I ended the call with a click and hurled my phone against the wall, where it left a mark. How could someone I did nothing but love do nothing but hurt me in return? The arteries around my heart tightened, making it harder to breathe. I’d never known a heartbreak like this, one that caused physical pain.
I spun around to find Lauren in the doorway, her eyes wide. I was sure she’d heard everything. She walked towards me and wrapped me in a hug, which made me cry even more. For the girl who was finally starting to be in control of her own life, I sure felt pretty powerless.
“I’m so sorry.” She broke away from the hug to pick up my phone and make sure it wasn’t broken.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t.
“Do you want some space? Some wine?”
“Wine, definitely wine,” I said.
“Of course.”
We sat on the couch as a mindless reality show played in the background until I was ready to rehash the weekend’s series of unfortunate events with Lauren.
“I really thought things were different this time,” I said. “I feel so stupid, delusional even, for thinking we could make long distance work when we couldn’t even have a functional relationship as neighbors.”
“Sloane, you’re not stupid. Love just blinds people. You were blind and hopeful, never stupid.”
“I really thought he was ready this time. Or I hoped that he was anyway.”
“Some people just aren’t ready, no matter how much time you give them. Nothing will change until they decide they’re ready,” Lauren explained. “You can’t wait for them though.”
“But I love him.” I started crying again. “I’ve never loved anyone like this before.”
“You’re gonna hate to hear this, Sloane, but we’re so young. Your person is out there, and they’re going to be your person for the rest of your life. You won’t have to worry about this one-foot-in, one-foot-out situation with them. You don’t want someone who comes back; you want someone who never leaves.”
“I just wanted it to be Ethan.”
“I know you did.”
I crawled into bed, burrowed myself under the covers, and tried to sleep. Even then, when I closed my eyes, all I saw was him. Isn’t it funny how that happens? One day you don’t know someone exists, and the next you can’t imagine life without them.