Chapter 20 Lazarus #2
“He knew, and he did nothing but blame me for tempting the Lamb simply because I existed. I endured alone, watching everyone who was once my friend leave me behind. They saw how the Lamb favored me, and rumors spread like wildfire. Angelo turned against me first, but Timothy soon followed. He and Arn were the two that bound me to the fence after I killed Ezekiel. I had no one to turn to, and so I went to Ezekiel myself, gave myself to him willingly on the last night of his life because he was all I had, and he always wanted me.”
“Oh, Lazarus,” Daylan whispers, holding me against him tighter. “That is when you snapped.”
“I lost control,” I admit. “I don’t regret it though.
Ezekiel told me I was getting too old. He didn’t like the way I had become a man as I’d aged, and that tore me apart.
I was hurt that he was leaving me behind, but I was even more upset when he mentioned the name of another boy he had his eye on.
A new family moved into Bright Haven, and their child became his new target.
After hearing that, I gave the devil my hands that night and let him do what he wished with them.
I ended up tied up to the fence waiting for death for what I’d done, but happy that I had saved another little boy from enduring what I was made to endure. ”
“Is he still there?”
“Not anymore,” I offer with a sad smile. “The little boy was Herold, but he was barely five when Ezekiel set his sights on him.”
Daylan slumps where he rests on my lap, and I understand the weight of it for I have carried it for the entire 25 years of my life. “So many wicked deeds. What became of Michael? I do not know this name.”
“You do, Lambchop. You call him Father.”
“Father?” Daylan says, reeling back from me. “Father blamed you for Ezekiel’s sin?”
“He told me I caused them. Made me believe it was my fault these things happened to me and that if I just said no, it would stop.”
“But it didn’t.”
I nod. “So, I stopped it myself. Pleasure is only a sin when it is used as a weapon against someone else.”
“You sought my agreement,” Daylan murmurs. “Always. Even in the middle of the rains, you made sure I said yes to the things you did to me, and I thought you wicked for demanding that of me. You said such foul things, and I loved them as much as I hated you for them.”
“I became the Devil you were told I am,” I offer, with a small shrug. “I wish I could say I understand it myself, but I don’t. Some days, I hardly know myself anymore, and the red rain makes it worse.”
“You are torn, Lazarus, between who you have let them turn you into, and who you really are. I have seen your kindness, and I have seen your fury. One of them scares me, and the other is close to my heart.”
“I have met others who have been touched as I was, and they fear sex. I have often wondered why I don’t react the same way they do.
Instead, I find nothing but rage inside me when I think of all that was done to me and all that was covered up with lies.
On the night I killed him, Ezekiel told me nobody would want to fuck me because I was old and used up, and I think I’ve devoted myself to proving him wrong.
” Which is a fucked up way of looking at things and a messed up way of explaining the things floating around in my head. “Maybe that’s not right either.”
Daylan is still where he sits, slumped into my lap and tears streaming down his face.
I think for a moment I’ve said too much and that he still thinks as Father has taught him.
My gut rolls as I consider that perhaps I’ve made a huge mistake telling him my story, but he leans forward and pecks a kiss to my lips, then pulls back again.
“I am sorry that Father made you believe you were at fault for Ezekiel’s sins, but I don’t think killing him is the right thing to do. ”
“He must pay. Bright Haven must burn.”
“There are good people at Bright Haven,” Daylan says, shaking his head sadly. “Good, Godly people, Lazarus. Even you can’t condemn them all to burn.”
“Daylan, all I have worked towards is the downfall of Bright Haven’s nest of sinners hiding beneath false faith and purity. Whether or not you are with me, the community will cease to exist.”
He smiles, but it is tinged with sadness, and he crawls off my lap. “I am their Lamb, Lazarus. Though I am a sinner myself, and though it pains me, I cannot let you burn the innocent ones. I ask you to think on this, for my sake.”
“Do you still believe Father’s lies?” I ask, anger rising inside me.
“I believe in Bright Haven,” Daylan says, standing. “I think with my own thoughts, unclouded by lies, and I believe they shouldn’t suffer for what Father has done to either of us.”
He gives me a sad smile, then moves to grab a pair of pants from the floor of the cabin.
I watch in silence as he slips them on and heads for the door of the cabin to pick up my axe.
Daylan glances over his shoulder at me, then opens the door and steps out into the sunlight, leaving me behind in the darkness.