Chapter 10
Chapter
Ten
MADDOX
“Something is goin’ on with you,” Crista says as we enter the vegetarian restaurant near campus. “You’ve been more ornery than usual.”
I make a grunting noise as we approach the counter and I wave to Sheila.
She and I went to college here at Evergreen together.
She was one of the cheerleaders for the football team, one of the only people I actually liked.
When she announced she’d open a restaurant one day, I told her I’d be a loyal customer.
She’s known me for decades. Before I was like… this.
Sheila waves back, then comes around the counter when she’s finished helping the customer before me.
“My my,” she says as she gives me a tight hug. “It just makes my day when you come in.”
I scoff, but return her embrace. “I bet you like seeing angry ex-football players eating all your zucchini.”
“I actually love it,” she quips as she gives Crista a hug. I’ve brought her in here enough that Sheila has chatted her up as well.
When she gets back to the register, she asks, “What can I get you two?”
We place our order and have a seat after I pay. A server comes over with our drinks and I shuffle my ice around with my straw.
Crista reaches over and smooths a finger in between my eyebrows. “You’re scowling. Spill. Is it about the cutie Mika saw you chasing? You still haven’t told me who it was.”
“And I won’t,” I mutter, my eyebrows dipping again.
While I love Crista, she wouldn’t understand why Luca has my head all fucked up. Hell, I don’t understand it. Not after what—
No. I told myself my past is a box I wouldn’t open. It’ll remain firmly closed until I want to open it.
Not only would she not understand, Crista would give me shit about a student catching my attention, tell me to be careful, blah blah blah. Shit I really don’t want to hear from her again.
Crista gives me a droll look. “Fine, keep your secrets. But what’s up? I know it’s not about that shit with Justin. He’s out of your class and into mine.”
I almost feel bad, but I don’t tolerate disrespect and everyone knows it.
Why Justin thought it was okay is beyond me, but he’s dropped from my rolls.
I honestly hope that fucker fails. Something about him rubs me the wrong way, like he wants to take the path of least resistance by barreling through his obstacles, no matter who or what is in his way, instead of doing the work to get where he wants to go.
That kind of shit will come back to bite him, but I won’t be the one to warn him.
A knucklehead like him has to learn on his own.
“Yeah, well,” I say, shrugging as the server comes over with our lunch. “You shouldn’t have told me what he said if you didn’t want me to address it. That’s your bad.”
“Nah-uh,” she says, wagging her finger at me. “Don’t try to change the subject. Is the cutie the reason your knickers are in a twist?”
“Knickers?” I ask, ticking up an eyebrow. Crista just stares at me, waiting on an answer. “No,” I grit out, but he is.
For the past few weeks, Luca has been different. He’s been working just the same, getting my shit organized in a system that is easy to keep up with as long as I reference his little guide. He’s graded papers, given out assignments, taken attendance. All the things I need him to do.
But he’s been distant. He keeps his gaze from me, those big brown expressive eyes that draw me in. I can’t see that pretty blush that lights up his cheeks when I tell him he’s done a good job. He’s hiding from me and I don’t know why.
I need to know why. It’d be a fucking mistake to ask, especially because I’m a professor, but I need to know what’s changed in the few weeks since Luca came to the club.
Crista sighs and puts her fork down. “From how Mika described him… Mad, you know he’s your ex, right?”
Well, looks like other people will be opening that fucking box for me.
Of course I fucking know. But my brain is getting it all confused and I need to straighten it out. I can’t do that if Luca won’t tell me whether I’ve done something or if he’s just…
Not going there. It’s been over twenty years. I need to keep a lid on that fucking box.
I glare at Crista, who meets my gaze head on. I made the mistake of telling her about my past one drunken night. I didn’t think she’d ever bring it up, didn’t think she’d ever have a reason to bring it up, but here we are.
“I shouldn’t have told you about that,” I grumble, stabbing my salad with more force than necessary.
Crista shrugs. “That’s what friends do. You know all my shit. It’s only right that you share with me.”
Yeah, I know all of Crista’s shit. We got closer because I almost committed a felony when she told me about the issues she was having at home. Still, I should have kept my past shit to myself.
“Not when you bring it up out of the blue,” I snap.
She scrutinizes me. “Is it out of the blue? You’re always a grumpy bastard, but you’ve been on ten since that night at Mask.
I thought you’d have a good time getting out of your head, but it seems like that trip made shit worse.
” She lays her hand over mine, giving me a deep, searching look.
“I won’t pressure you to go out again. I really was trying to help. ”
Sighing, I set my fork down and pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger.
Any other night, I would have found myself a willing body and sunk into them, getting my nut so I could be on an even keel until the next time Crista dragged me out. But seeing Luca there, how clueless and fucking green he was… I’d only wanted him.
I’m not sure how I didn’t learn from my mistakes of the past, but Luca has taken up residence in my brain and I don’t want to give up. Not until I know what’s going on. I’m too old to guess or let shit fester without discussion.
Looking back at Crista, I say, “I’m good. Stop stressing about me and my attitude. It’s always been this bad.”
She snorts. “Yeah, and pigs fly. You made another student cry in the hallway just because he didn’t say excuse me. You’re big, but you’re not ‘take up all the hallway’ big. You’re being a bully and you’re only like that when something is on your mind or you haven’t come in a while. Which is it?”
“Get out of my business,” I grumble, which only makes her laugh.
Thankfully, she drops her inquisition and we talk about school and her and Mika moving into a house they bought together.
The way her face lights up when she talks about her girlfriend makes me feel… jealous. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ll never have what she does or if I want what she has.
She’s so sure in her relationship with Mika, their foundation so strong that nothing could shake their love and devotion for each other.
I had that once.
At least I thought I did.
We finish lunch, and while I’m driving back to campus, I try to untangle all the shit going on in my head. Luca has been nothing but professional the entire time he’s been my TA, but for the past couple of weeks, he’s been too professional, keeping a distance like what we shared never happened.
I get it; from his demeanor and how he was trembling in my arms, anything sexual is new to him. But he liked what we did. Until he safe-worded, he really liked it.
Does his safe-wording mean he doesn’t want more? Is he done?
I need to know.
With words.
I have no more classes for the day, so I head to my office, expecting to see Luca there.
But my office is empty, papers stacked neatly on my desk.
There are still some boxes in the corner that need to be filed away, but Luca has made good progress.
None of my previous TAs did more than keep my current papers separate—Luca has catalogued everything I’ve done over the past fifteen years.
He’s too good to lose, but I don’t like wondering.
Not pausing to think, I leave my office and head over to the library. From what I’ve gleaned about Luca, he’s either in my office, his dorm, or the library. I’d rather he be in the library, since someone seeing me walking to the dorms will raise more questions than I’m willing to answer.
Light rain lands on my skin, cooling me and calming my racing heart. What will I do if Luca tells me that whatever we did won’t happen again? Or worse, what if he says that he doesn’t feel safe around me and is trying to keep a professional distance to avoid trouble?
That almost pulls me up short, but if that is the case, I want to know, so I can stay out of his way to ensure he’s not uncomfortable.
The fact that Luca has my head fucked up is apparent, because I don’t give a fuck about anyone’s comfort but my own.
What is it about him that makes me want to make sure he’s okay?
His shyness? His willingness to be good?
I’m not sure, but I want to figure it out. I can’t if he’s hiding from me, though.
Entering the library, I look around for Luca.
I don’t find him on the first or second floor, so I jog up to the third floor, though I don’t expect to find him there.
No one uses this floor. It’s mostly history books that have to be checked out with a special note from the librarians and only read in separate rooms so they’re not taken from the library.
I make a loop of the floor and don’t see him there either. I almost give up when I hear rustling in one of the far corners. Taking a chance, I inch over, peeking around the stacks to see if he’s there.
I’m surprised when I see him sitting by the window, looking out at the grounds as if he’s deep in thought.
He hasn’t noticed me yet, so I take the time to study his profile.
He’s beautiful, with his wide doe eyes, brown hair, and contemplative expression. His plump bottom lip is pulled between his teeth and I can see the dip in his eyebrows.
Something claws inside of me, telling me that I’ll end up broken like last time, but I can’t walk away. Not unless he tells me to.
“Luca,” I say as softly as possible, so I don’t startle him.
Still, he jerks like someone shocked him, whirling around and scrambling out of the chair so fast he almost falls.
I take hurried steps forward to right him, bringing our bodies close. Luca’s eyes widen as I steady him, and he gulps audibly. “Professor?” he whispers. “Did I do something wrong?” If possible, those eyes get even rounder. “Oh God, did I forget to leave those assignments out? I put them—”
“No,” I assure him. “I got them. Thanks. You did a good job organizing them.”
That twinkle I’m growing addicted to dances in his eyes as I praise his work.
“Thank you.” He ducks his eyes, but I can still see that blush. My fingers twitch against his back, wanting to smooth against the warmth on his cheeks.
That snaps Luca out of whatever trance we were just in, because he squirms. I sigh as I let him go.
“Were you… did you need me to do something, then?” he asks, pulling his long sleeves between his fingers.
I’m not the type of man who beats around the bush about anything. I’m blunt, direct, and say what needs to be said.
Still, I soften my tone when I ask Luca, “Is everything okay? You’ve been distant, and I want to know why.”
Those rounded eyes flick up to mine as he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth. I want to pull it free and taste where those impressions are deep in his flesh. It’s a near thing, my body almost swaying into his. But I need answers more than I want to steal a kiss from him.
He opens his mouth, a soft sound bursting free before he closes it again. Luca stares at me for a few beats before he finally sighs. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“With my office?” I ask in confusion.
His hair flops around his face as he shakes his head. “No. Not that. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do after… after…”
“Mask,” I provide for him.
“Yeah… I don’t know what I’m doing,” he repeats.
“Did you safe-word because I hurt you?” I ask, needing to know if I went too far. That would explain why he’s been so distant, not wanting me to touch him or for his gaze to clash with mine.
“No.” He says it weakly, almost so softly that I can’t hear. “It… it wasn’t that at all.”
But Luca doesn’t provide me with any more details.
I want to push, but it’s not the time. If he’s not feeling unsafe around me, then we can do more, and I can tunnel into his brain and retrieve all his secrets.
“So you’re not hiding from me?”
A soft smile tips up his lips. “No, Professor. I don’t think I could.”
I nod, pulling my lips in. I want him to give me more than what he is, but I can’t make him explain anything. I won’t push his boundaries.
“Okay.” Sighing, I push my fingers through my hair. “I don’t like thinking I’m the reason you’re not comfortable.”
“I’m okay. Thank you. For checking on me, I mean.”
That’s probably as much as I’ll get from him, and I accept it. “Come to me if you need anything.”
His eyes flare, but he simply nods. I turn on my heels and leave, not wanting to make even more of a fool of myself.
Hurrying to my office, I close myself in and plop into the chair behind my desk. My eyes snag on the papers he left for me, organized by class time and play type. He’s so fucking efficient.
Hopefully, he doesn’t clam up when he comes back to my office. I need my fix of seeing Luca preen under my attention.