Chapter 16
Chapter
Sixteen
MADDOX
This is a first.
Luca’s body goes limp, his slurred words cut off as he relaxes against the pillows.
I stop what I’m doing and look up at him. His eyes are closed, those long lashes fanned across his cheeks, and his breathing is slow and deep.
He passed out on me.
I chuckle against his skin, but pull back and wipe my mouth. For a moment, I just stare at him, watching the slow rise and fall of his chest.
He’s beautiful.
That slow cracking of the shell around my heart scares the shit out of me, especially for a man twenty years my junior. But there’s something about Luca that makes it hard to be so closed off.
His honesty, his vulnerability, his fucking innocence makes me want to open myself to him fully and completely.
But I can’t. I can’t have another man break me as badly as he did. If Luca did, I don’t think I’d be able to put myself back together again. I told him what we have can only be physical. Anything more is too much.
I can take care of him right now, though.
I can give him what he needs until he finds someone better, a man who’s not held together with ice and duct tape.
Luca deserves a person who hasn’t stashed a mental box of bad memories in the back of his mind, and can handle a relationship with a person as good as he is.
As quietly as I can, I slide off the bed and head to my bathroom. Grabbing a cloth, I wet it with warm water and head back to the room. I clean Luca’s belly, cock, and hole, and he barely stirs.
My chest puffs out with pride, knowing I pleased him so much he passed out from pleasure overload. Not something I’ll forget anytime soon.
Once he’s clean and I’ve wiped myself up, I climb into bed, gather him in my arms, and pull the blanket around us. I hold him close, rubbing his back gently, feeling the warmth of his skin.
Luca was absolutely perfect. The sweetest man I’ve ever been with, the most pliable, the most responsive. The way he trusted me with his pleasure, to take care of him and make him feel good… yeah, that makes me feel like more of a man than I’ve ever felt.
What is it about this man in my arms that makes me lose all sense of who I used to be? It’s almost like my past never happened when he’s around. I only remember when I force myself not to fall for him.
How long will that last? How long will he be able to keep me from ruminating over what I lost, the time that passed where I was trapped in my pain?
Sighing, I push thoughts of my past from my mind as Luca’s warmth seeps into me.
He stirs on top of me, then turns his face so he can meet my gaze. “What happened?” he asks in a sleepy voice. “How… did I…”
“I pushed you to your limits,” I answer simply. “I won’t be so selfish again, I promise.”
Even in the dark, his blush is visible. I’m fucking addicted to the sight. “I mean… you don’t have to promise that.” He chews his lower lip. “I… uh, kind of liked it.” Those wide brown eyes meet mine, saying all the things his lips can’t.
“So that’s not a hard limit for you?” I ask anyway, needing to check in with him.
Luca shakes his head slowly. “Definitely not a hard limit.”
Leaning forward, I take his lips in a gentle kiss, savoring the taste of him. Luca’s still a little out of it, his lips moving slowly over mine, his mouth slack.
Breaking the kiss, I press his head back to my chest. “Was it good for you?” I ask, not needing the praise but wanting to hear the sweet words from Luca.
His chuckle is low and breathy. “Yeah. It was perfect. I never imagined anything could feel like that. Is it weird to say thank you?”
“I’d give you anything, Luca,” I mutter, and almost start because I actually mean it.
He lets out a low, pleased breath, then wiggles on top of me. I immediately let him go, allowing him to sit up. “I should go,” he whispers as he tries to slide off my body.
My hands tighten back on his waist. “Go where?”
He bites that bottom lip again, and I want so badly to take it into my mouth and suck it until he lies back down and lets me hold him. “Home. Or… to my dorm room, I guess. That’s…” His brow furrows in confusion. “That’s how you wanted it, right?”
I let out a sad breath. “No, Luca. Not with us.” I place a hand on his cheek and his face softens as he leans into my palm. “When I have you here, I want you here all night. No leaving my bed. Okay?”
His smile is so fucking brilliant and he melts more of that ice around my heart. “Okay. But…” He wiggles again and I let him go. “I really need to use the bathroom.”
I incline my head to the en suite. “Are you okay to walk?”
His eyebrows scrunch. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Almost as soon as he tries to stand and take a step, he crumples. “Shit,” I say, scrambling off the bed to help him up. “You okay?”
His face is red with embarrassment and he’s never looked so adorable. “Legs don’t work,” he mutters, holding on to my arms.
“It happens,” I assure him and help him to the bathroom. I can see the redness of his cheeks as I hold him up while he relieves himself.
“Done,” he whispers in an almost mortified voice.
After he flushes, I help him to the sink so he can wash up. Once he’s finished, I turn him around and set him on the side. Luca immediately spreads his legs and I step between them. He doesn’t even complain about the cold of the counter on his warm skin.
I check him over, taking in his clear, bright eyes, flushed cheeks, and swollen lips. He looks well and truly fucked, and I have to stop myself from beating my chest like fucking King Kong.
Smirking down at him, I ask, “Still want to go home?”
“That was embarrassing,” he whispers, placing a slender hand on my waist. “Does that happen often?”
I shrug. “It can. Sensory overload. I’ll be more careful in the future.”
His eyes light up. “So there’s more?”
“There’s more. If you want, we can explore your limits, to see what you like so you can try it in the future.
” Why does my heart clench at the thought of someone else enjoying the things Luca enjoys with me?
I’m already trying to convince myself that there can’t be a future between us.
Him being with someone else is the goal… right?
“Yes, please.” He does a shimmy dance that makes me smile despite myself. “But can we skip the whole legs going numb part?”
Chuckling, I take him into my arms and walk him to the room. “We can skip that part.”
My mind is in a fucking tailspin and I can’t grab onto what I want. On one hand, I want all of Luca. I want him in my bed, in my life, in my heart. He’s sweet and smart and innocent and adorable and open and honest. All the things I want in a man I’d want to spend my life with.
On the other, I can’t take opening myself up to someone so fully just for them to hurt me. It’s taken me twenty years to repair myself, to become functional, to walk into Mask and not want to turn around every time I see a sweet twink who wants me to rail him.
He reminds me too much of what I used to have, too much of what happened when I was not much older than him. My past is colliding with my present and it’s doing me in.
For right now, though, I’ll enjoy him in my arms, his wide-eyed wonder at everything I’ve shown him. I’m not ready to give that up.
I told him I was selfish, but I’m not sure if I mean with taking his pleasure or with my heart.
I’m not ready to answer that question yet.
Lying down, I pull Luca on top of me, feeling a strange sensation light up my chest when he sighs in contentment.
I feel this… giddy feeling flowing through me as I hold him, so I decide to poke a little fun at him. “Not bad for an old man, huh?”
The heat that radiates from his cheeks sinks through me and I chuckle. He huffs as if put out. “I’m so sorry I said that. So embarrassing.”
Kissing the top of his head, I thread my fingers through his hair. “It’s alright. I remember thinking forty-year-olds were old at your age.”
He groans. “You’re making it worse.” He leans up, resting his chin on the back of his hand. “I don’t think you’re old. I promise. I was raised by my grandparents. They’d have a fit if I called someone old.”
His grandparents?
Carefully, I ask, “Did your parents pass?”
Luca looks up as if thinking. “Parent… I don’t remember my mom much at all. And I haven’t seen my dad since I was a kid.”
“Why?” slips out of my mouth before I can try more tact.
Luca shrugs, though his face closes off slightly. “He was a drug addict. He never really wanted kids, and he made sure to remind me every chance he could. I’m honestly surprised he kept me as long as he did. My grandparents are my parents.”
That’s heavy… and so much like my life. Why do Luca and I have to have even more in common? It’s already hard to keep my word that this will only be physical after what just happened between us.
My parents weren’t the best either. The most they did was keep a roof over my head. At least Luca had his grandparents there for him. I had no one.
Don’t say it, Mad. Shut up. Keep it to yourself. Don’t—
“My parents were alcoholics,” I find myself saying, much to my own dismay.
“The most they did was pay the bills so I had somewhere to stay while I was in school.” Luca’s eyes flare, but he watches me with rapt attention, his bottom lip pulled between his teeth.
“They weren’t caring, weren’t loving. I don’t even think they liked me. ”
“Do you have siblings?”
“Thankfully, no. I don’t know where I’d be if I had a sibling to take care of, because they wouldn’t have. It’s just me.”
“I’m an only child too,” Luca says, smiling gently at me. “Though I’m sure Grandma and Grandpa would have taken in everyone if I had siblings. They’re great.”
I hold Luca tight, happy that he had someone in his corner.
I had to grow up tough, being a theater kid.
Bullies were ruthless for people who did anything different.
But that didn’t break me. When I got into football, it actually toughened me up and bullies stayed away. I was able to overcome my shitty past.
Would Luca have had the same luck? He’s so small, so fragile, so innocent. If he’d had my life—without loving parents or anyone in his corner—he probably would have broken.
Kissing his forehead just to feel the softness of his skin, I whisper, “I’m glad you had them.”
He sighs as he wraps his arms tighter around me. “Me too. Where were your grandparents?”
“Just as bad as my parents. Not present. I’m sure one or both set is dead.”
“That’s rough. I’m sorry.” He sounds so sad, and I feel like a miserable bastard for bringing down the night he lost his virginity, a night he’d said was perfect.
Shaking my head, I push away thoughts of my past. “It’s all good. Are you hungry, little lamb?”
“No,” he says around a wide yawn. “Tired. I just want to sleep.”
I chuckle as he burrows himself into my chest. A few minutes later, his breathing changes, deepening as he falls asleep.
God, why does our similar pasts make me feel closer to him? We shouldn’t have talked, shouldn’t have shared those secrets.
Because now, all I want to do is take care of Luca so he’ll never feel abandoned again.