9. Ash
ASH
Waiting for someone to die is kind of surreal.
We take it in turns sitting next to my nan and holding her hand.
She’s not conscious, but she’s breathing and she’s warm, and the fact that she soon won’t be hasn’t sunk in.
My brothers are here with their girlfriends, and as nice as it is to see them, I really fucking wish it were under different circumstances.
My phone buzzes in my pocket.
“Just gonna step out for a bit.” I give my mum a hug as I walk past and out into the corridor, then pull out my phone.
Morgan: Hey, I just found out about your nan. I’m so fucking sorry
Shit. I should’ve messaged him myself.
Ash: Thanks. We’re still at the hospital. Sorry I didn’t tell you
Morgan: Fuck off with that. Do you want me to come over?
I manage a small smile at that, can picture the determined look on his face.
Ash: Not now, we’re all here and it’s kind of crowded
Ash: But maybe after?
I love my family, but they’ll all have their significant others to lean on when the worst inevitably happens. Morgan’s always been my go-to person for anything like that. I need him to be that now for me.
Morgan: Whatever you need, I’m there
I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear that. I know there’s shit between us we need to talk about, but I don’t care about that right now. I’m gonna need my best friend after this, and it’s such a fucking relief to know I’ll have him.
It takes another two hours before my nan finally finds some peace.
It’s just me, my brothers, and my mum and dad now.
We all stand there, shocked into silence despite knowing this was coming. We move back as the nurses do their checks to make sure she’s actually gone. When they confirm it, we say our final goodbyes and retreat to the waiting room where my brother’s girlfriends are.
My mum breaks first, my dad pulling her into a hug as she sobs quietly.
I stand in the doorway watching the rest of my family being comforted by their partners, and it hits me hard that I don’t have anyone for that.
Should’ve asked Morgan to come here after all.
I can’t stay in this room.
“Gonna get some air,” I mumble, and hurry out into the corridor. There are too many people around for me to cry like I want to, so I take the stairs until I’m outside and find a more secluded spot to let go.
Leaning against the brick wall, I sink to a crouch and rest my head in my hands. The tears come next, and I pull in breath after shaky breath, trying to come to terms with the fact that she’s gone, but at least she’s not in pain anymore.
“Fuck,” I hiss, scrubbing my hands over my face. She lived a good life, reached the ripe old age of 83, and I know she was grateful for that, but I’m going to miss her. I text my brothers to let them know where I am and that I’m okay, then close my eyes and try to get myself together.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been there before a pair of worn leather biker boots appear in my field of vision. I’m not sure how, but I know who it is without looking up. “Not now.” I just can’t face whatever it is he’s here for. I don’t have it in me.
Another round of tears escape without my permission, and then I’m being hauled upright.
Callum Holt pulls me against his chest before I can utter a word of protest and wraps me up in his strong, capable arms. I want to fight it, I really, really do, but it feels so fucking nice and I’m so done with today.
So for once, I don’t think about the consequences of my actions. I close my eyes and sink into the warmth and comfort he’s offering. My arms slide around his waist as if we’ve done this a hundred times, and I push everything aside and just feel.
My face finds the spot between his neck and shoulder and I draw in a shuddering breath.
He smells like wood and spice, and it’s so fucking good I want to revel in it and stay there forever.
He doesn’t say anything, but his arms tighten around me, and he might not realise it, but he’s the one thing holding me together when I was afraid I might shatter.
I didn’t think it would hit this hard.
We’ve known this was a possibility for months, but it’s taken me out at the knees, and I don’t know how to deal with the emotions running riot inside me.
He holds me until the tears dry and my breathing evens out. His hands rub circles on my back, and the steady, firm pressure slowly brings me back to myself.
I can draw in a breath without it hitching.
I let out a heavy sigh, the weight of the day remaining, but not as crippling as it was. I should get back inside. They’re no doubt wondering where I fucked off to. I should let go of him.
I just don’t want to.
Not yet.
I want to pretend a little longer that the arms wrapped around me don’t belong to someone I really shouldn’t be relying on.
“I’ve texted Morgan,” he says, warm breath ghosting over my neck, and I fight a shiver. “Lynx’s bringing him. They should be here soon.”
“Shit. I should’ve done that.” My voice comes out rough and quiet, muffled against the leather of Callum’s jacket. He doesn’t say anything, just carries on stroking my back, and I let him.
Eventually he draws back enough to put a few inches of space between us, but instead of letting go entirely, his hands slide up to cradle my jaw. With a gentleness I never expected from someone like him, he lifts my chin until our eyes meet. “I’m sorry you lost someone you loved.”
A lone tear escapes, and he wipes it away with his thumb. It feels like an intimate act, should probably feel wrong coming from him, but it doesn’t.
“They’re almost here.” He steps back and offers me his hand.
It’s the easiest thing in the world to take it and let him lead me around the side of the hospital towards the car park.
The same silver SUV from before drives towards us a few minutes later, and it hasn’t even stopped before the passenger door flings open and Morgan jumps out.
Callum lets go of my hand as Morgan runs over. I’ve got a couple of seconds to miss the warmth of his fingers wrapped around mine, and then I’m in Morgan’s surprisingly strong grip.
I huff as he hugs me tight. “Jesus Mor, you been working out?”
“Something like that.” His breath catches. “I’m so fucking sorry about your nan.” And just like that, everything comes crashing back. I grip him tight as grief hits me all over again. “Let’s get you home.”
We meet the rest of my family at the house.
Lynx drops me and Morgan off outside, then leaves. I don’t know where Callum went. He’d gone by the time I looked up from hugging Morgan.
I spend the next few hours with my family, reminiscing about my nan. It’s . . . nice. Cathartic in a way I think we all need. Like I said before, she’d lived a good, full life, and I want to remember that instead of the frail old lady we left in that hospital bed.
There’s laughter, a few more tears, but the overall feeling is of love and happiness that we all got to spend so many years with her.
By the time we’re ready to call it a night, it’s almost midnight.
My parents go to bed, and I say goodbye to my brothers and their girlfriends, then stand on the drive with Morgan watching them pull out onto the main road and out of view.
Morgan leans against my good arm. “Want me to stay?”
Do I?
The company might be nice, but I’m not sure how I’m feeling right now. It’s been a weird day. I sigh, and it’s like everything catches up to me. “Thanks,” I say eventually, giving him a tired smile. “But I think I’m just gonna go to bed.”
“I’m only a phone call away if you need me. Doesn’t matter what time.”
“You sure your other half’ll be okay with that?”
He lets out a tired sigh of his own. “It’s not like that.”
“Sorry,” I mumble, mostly meaning it.
“Don’t apologise for caring. You’ll understand when—” He stops so abruptly it takes me a second to catch up.
Ahh. When he finally tells me everything. Not sure I can handle whatever that is right now. “Look . . . about Saturday . . .”
He deflates a little more. “You don’t want to come over,” he guesses.
I scrub a hand over my face, stifling a yawn. “Maybe next weekend? I get the feeling it’s gonna change things.” I look to him for clarification.
He bites his lip before nodding. “It might.”
That makes the decision for me. “Then I’m not sure I can do it right now. Can I let you know later?”
“Course.” He turns and pulls me in for a hug. “I meant it, though. Please call if you need me. You’re my best friend and I love you. That’ll never change.”
I close my eyes and rest my forehead on his shoulder.
“Thank you. I love you too.” He rubs a hand up and down my back, and it instantly reminds me of a certain someone doing that same thing earlier.
As much comfort as Morgan brings me, it’s not the same.
I don’t know why that is, but regardless, it’s the truth.
He straightens, and my gaze flicks behind him as I glance up and down the street.
Is he out there watching?
“Right.” Morgan slips his phone back into his pocket. “Lynx’ll be here in a sec.”
I must’ve been distracted because I didn’t even notice him get his phone out in the first place. “That was quick.”
He shrugs. “He didn’t go far.”
Sure enough, a couple of minutes later, Lynx’s silver Tucson pulls up at the kerb. Morgan rocks back on his heels, hands shoved in his pockets. “Call me tomorrow?”
“I will.”
He raises his eyebrows like he doesn’t believe me. “I know things have been . . . strained between us.”
I snort, because he’s not wrong.
“But I’m always here for you, Ash.”
“I know.” I give him a little shove. “Go home. I’ll call you in the morning.”
He hesitates, meeting my eyes, and whatever he sees there must be enough to convince him that I’m okay. That we’re okay, or as much as we can be with this secret hanging over us. “Night.” With one last look my way, he gets in the car and they drive away.
I stay outside long after he’s gone.