Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
MICAH
You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.
My only goal tonight was to avoid embarrassing Daddy. Within a week, the importance I placed on his satisfaction had become a double-edged sword. He was so fixated on me, which was overwhelming in all the best ways, but I wasn’t made for his world.
My interest in math and the markets wasn’t about climbing the social ladder. If I could avoid people altogether, it would be vastly preferable to navigating the throngs at fundraiser events, even if the cause was important. Unfortunately, hiding in the bathroom all night wasn’t an option. The experience we chose was pretty cool, and the picture he bought for me was the sweetest thing—apart from not sending me to jail—anyone had ever done for me.
When I returned to the gathering area, Daddy was nowhere to be found. I was anonymous in my suit, so I moved freely around the room, looking for him. After a rotation around the reception room, I returned to where Daddy had left me without finding him. Since he was occupied elsewhere, I reread the descriptions of the auction items to kill time until his return.
“See anything you like?”
I whipped my head around to find that the man who’d leaned close into my personal space was definitely not Daddy. My jump and squeak when I realized it pulled a mean-spirited chuckle from him.
“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to scare you.” His tone made me think he wasn’t sorry at all, though startling me probably had been an accident. He dropped his hand on my arm and rubbed it up and down several times. Once again, he leaned in and added, “I definitely see something I like.”
“Oh, what item do you have your eye on?” I asked in an attempt to distract him.
A loud demand that he get his hands off me would probably be more effective, but it would also cause an embarrassing scene. I wouldn’t do that on my first fancy outing with Daddy.
“What I want isn’t up for sale, but maybe I’ll get lucky anyway.”
His smile didn’t reach his eyes, and unlike when Daddy stared at me, the overwhelming desire to sink to my knees was nowhere to be found.
I floundered with what to say next. “Have you seen Calvin Rutledge? I was supposed to meet him back here.” My lack of height was annoying because there was no chance I could see over the crowds.
“He’s busy with Claire Abernathy, but I’m happy to keep you entertained while he’s making the rounds with her. I heard they’re announcing their engagement soon.”
“Claire? I…uh…don’t think I know her.”
Bile rose in my throat. I should have known my fairy tale had run its course. This past week had been a fantasy, and I had leaned into every moment. When I saw Daddy in the shed, my body had recognized him even if my mind still wasn’t clear on why. When he was satisfied with me, I settled into a calmness that wasn’t present nearly enough in my life. Never, not once, had I shared any part of my story with a classmate in high school or college. My ability to distance myself protected me, but the shield hadn’t dropped with Calvin. It had never existed with him.
And now I was trapped in this stupid country club, and Daddy was apparently with a woman who, admittedly, made much more sense to be at his side than I did. And it was precisely what I deserved. I’d signed the contract even though there’d be no chance of me attempting to enforce it.
Regardless, I wasn’t looking to replace Calvin with another rich man. I might be a step away from being homeless again and screwed, but I wouldn’t embarrass myself. Or him.
“Thank you so much, but I should be going. I’ll catch up with him later.” His larger body immediately blocked my path.
“What’s the rush? Let’s get a drink and see what happens. I’m John.”
My skin crawled from his oily smile and fake charm.
“Have a nice night, John.”
Instead of letting me escape, he crowded closer. His hot breath stank with stale liquor. Gag . When he touched my cheek, I recoiled but bumped against a wall. He’d maneuvered us into an empty corner without me realizing I’d been moved. Now, I was trapped between the angled wall and a large plant I hadn’t noticed earlier.
Dammit . I’d let down my guard so much with Daddy that I’d come into this room unprotected. Comfort created chaos.
“You have one fucking second to remove your goddamn hands,” Calvin hissed from behind John.
John immediately removed his hand from me and turned around. I scooted away as quickly as I could, but Calvin reached for me and hauled me to his side. He glanced down. “You okay?”
A second man came up behind Calvin. He had that rich, bored look that could only be perfected by someone who had the power to back it up. “Cal, everything okay here?”
“It’s fine, Emil. We’re leaving.” As confused as I was, embarrassing Calvin here only created a potential backlash that fell on me. I allowed him to lead me out of the entryway and remained silent while we waited for his car to be brought around. When the valet pulled up, Calvin opened the passenger side door and ushered me inside. The interior was whisper quiet as he pulled away from the curb. I replayed the last ten minutes over and over, trying to imagine a different outcome.
“It’s okay, Calvin. I’m going to…” Within a week, this man had ruined me. I had nowhere to escape to. “If you want to drop me off at the dockside, it’s fine.”
“Who are you calling Calvin?” His head whipped around when I spoke, and he jerked the car to a stop on the side of the driveway. The garden lights provided enough light for me to see the harsh lines on his face. “What did that fucker say to you?”
I fiddled with the strap of my backpack. When I asked if I could bring it tonight, he’d appeared concerned but had agreed. It had been an act of faith to leave it in the car and trust it would still be there when we returned. My entire existence was in this bag. “It’s dumb, but I thought… I thought you were serious.”
“If it involves you, I am.”
“I might be a failed wannabe rent boy, but I wouldn’t have fooled around with you if I thought you were engaged or married.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m not married. Or engaged. Or getting engaged anytime soon. I want to know word for word what he said to you.”
I couldn’t disobey him when he used that tone on me. He’d sounded the same way in the shed, and my willingness to disobey was as nonexistent now as it was then.
“You were busy with Claire, and your engagement would be announced any day.”
“ That motherfucker . Yeah, I was saying hello to Claire and her date. We convenience-dated for years and parted ways when it became clear I had no intentions toward marriage.” Calvin’s harsh breathing echoed in the cabin of his car. “Little one, I understand why you aren’t sure if you can trust me, but I would never take you anywhere if I thought there was a chance you’d be humiliated. I understand you don’t believe me, but I’ll prove it.”
Lord help me. I wanted to believe him so badly, even though the entire situation between us was inexplicable.
“That’s not something you can prove, Cal.”
“Nope, try again.”
“Daddy.” I sighed.
“That’s better, and I’m starving. You hungry?” Daddy grabbed my hand and brought it to his mouth to kiss the palm. “Say yes, so I can feed you and hang out with you.”
“Yes.”
“You like Greek?”
Our dinner spot was unexpected. No question, we were both overdressed for it. The building Daddy pulled up behind was dilapidated. The paint was peeling and the sign was hand-lettered with cute little Greek flags. The parking lot was a mix of cracked pavement and potholes. But the smells wafting into the parking lot had my mouth watering before I stepped foot out of the car.
“Jimmy makes the best damn gyros I’ve ever had.” Daddy took my hand and never let go.
A hulking older man sat at the bar with an impressive handlebar mustache. Train villains would be jealous. “Hey, stranger! Come in and sit where you want.”
Daddy led me to a private booth and nodded for me to scoot over so he could sit on the same side. The cracked plastic covering seemed at odds with what I thought I knew about Daddy.
Jimmy hefted his considerable body off the stool and came to stand at the table. “It’s been a minute,” he said with a smile.
“Jimmy, I’m glad you’re here tonight. I told my boyfriend on the way over that your gyros are the best outside Greece.”
“They’re the best period,” he boomed before he turned and asked me, “Is that what you want to eat?”
If he was surprised by the label Daddy gave me, he hid it well.
I gave Daddy a helpless look. “Uh, I guess? I’ve never had Greek food.”
“Never?” His expression was incredulous. “We are going to fix that. How hungry are you?”
“We’re starving,” Daddy interjected.
“I gotchu. You both want ouzo?”
“We’re skipping the alcohol tonight,” Daddy answered immediately.
“Got it. How about some fresh pomegranate juice and fancy-ass sparkling water?” he asked but walked away without waiting for an answer.
Jimmy returned with our drinks and a platter piled with food. He proudly explained what was in the hummus, tzatziki, spanakopita, and dolmades. It was served with sliced tomatoes, cucumbers, and freshly made pita bread. When he stepped away, I glanced at Daddy, the food, and back again.
“Daddy, there’s no way I can eat all this!”
“What we don’t finish, they’ll pack it up, and we’ll have snacks for tomorrow.”
It was a different experience to have someone be so attentive to me and make my plate. The longer I sat with him, the more he kept up a one-sided conversation while I shoveled more food into my mouth. He kept me effortlessly entertained, and it was like my earlier mini-meltdown had been forgotten entirely by him.
“Daddy, I need to tell you something.” After everything he’d done, I was so damned ashamed of myself. When the smarmy guy implied Daddy was off with someone, I spiraled and believed a stranger over what I’d observed about him myself.
“What is it, little one?”
“I’m so sorry I believed him. Instead of waiting to ask you or seeing it for myself, I believed him.”
“Do you think I’m upset about it?”
“Aren’t you?”
“Fuck no. I don’t love it, but given the circumstances of how we met and our backgrounds, I’d be more surprised if you had waited around for an explanation.” Daddy cupped my cheek before he leaned over to kiss me gently. “I’m not upset. Now, if it happens again, maybe. We’re fine, little one.”
My mouth drew to a hard line. “This entire thing confuses me. I don’t know when I’m going to wake up, and I don’t know how I feel about that.”
“Let me know when you decide, and we’ll figure it out.” Daddy kissed me again, but this time, it was firmly on my mouth. “I’ll tell you a secret.” He stopped for one more kiss. “I’m surprised by it too.”
Our quiet moment was interrupted by Jimmy delivering more food. He answered my questions about the dishes and how they were prepared. I’d never cooked but hoped to learn one day. When I was in the group home, I used to spend my time imagining the type of life that could be crafted if I forced myself to stay out of the trap of alcohol. I’d managed to avoid that pitfall, but I hadn’t been good enough to avoid the streets. Even so, my imagination wasn’t enough to have conjured my current circumstances.
“The confusion is all on me though,” Daddy said with a rueful shake of his head. “I have gone about this ass-backward.”
“What do you mean?”
“Before I explain how I screwed up, I want to be clear…like see the bottom of the ocean clear…I don’t regret the outcome of what I screwed up. I regret that I didn’t handle it better.”
“That’s cryptic,” I said with raised eyebrows.
His words, taken alone, could go south, but he’d taken me to his favorite local spot and introduced me to Jimmy as his boyfriend. Instead of bailing, I forced myself to not catastrophize what was coming next. Yay for growth? Except the more he gathered his thoughts, the closer I came to the edge. The man needed to start talking.
“In the store, the guy hit on you about being your Daddy, and I went all aggro on him. No regret on that part because he was out of line.”
“Where is the regret?”
“I should have said, ‘Hey, that sounds good…do you wanna explore that?’ What I did instead was announce it to you.”
“Well, yeah, true, but I could have said no.”
“In theory, sure. Realistically, though, you didn’t know me and might have ended up in a worse position. I hope to fuck you know me well enough now, but then? I should have been more mindful.”
“Also considerate?”
“Hell yes, and maybe throw in demure, but I don’t think I can pull it off,” Daddy said with a lopsided grin while tzatziki sauce dripped down his chin.
The sauce was tempting and the urge to be brave bubbled through me. I gathered…maybe girded…myself and reached up to swipe the dribble clean. Daddy stopped my attempt to wipe off my finger, brought it back to his mouth, and sucked it clean. My peen hardened behind my zipper and my stomach flip-flopped somewhere between excitement and terror.
“Daddy, for the record, I wanna do this.”
“I’m not sure if I’ve ever eaten so much food in my entire life. And I can now say with one hundred percent certainty that I’m a fan of Greek food.”
My stomach had expanded since I started living with Daddy, but there was a limit to everything. Jimmy had packed up our leftovers with clear reheating instructions along with a few pieces of baklava that he swore was one step away from going to Greece myself.
“Jimmy will be happy to hear it. He’d be crushed if you weren’t a convert.”
After our dinner, Daddy suggested we walk along the waterfront before returning to Almstead Island. We’d left the party early enough for dinner and there was plenty of time before the last ferry. I wasn’t anywhere near ready to end our evening.
In the summer, the walking path hosted an evening farmers’ market lined with vegetable and flower stands with crowds of people. I could never buy anything, but I used to wander down for some free people-watching entertainment. When I was down there, I’d imagine the happy lives of the people and their backstories. I couldn’t imagine how I’d ever join them, but I hoped it would happen anyway—maybe by osmosis?
Tonight, given the chill, I was surprised to see so many people had the same idea. The wind whipped the ocean spray around us, but Daddy kept me tucked close to his side to shield me from most of it. We walked in quiet contemplation, each lost in our thoughts.
“Daddy, can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask me anything you want. I’m an open book to you.”
“Am I on a date with my boyfriend?”
Daddy stopped walking and turned me to face him. He’d taken my hand earlier to put it in his pocket along with his own. “Yes, little one. This is a date with your boyfriend.”
“You’re my first.” At his stuttering shock, I quickly clarified, “Wait…not my first first, but my first boyfriend.”
“You didn’t date anyone in college or high school?” Daddy asked with intense interest.
“I was too busy trying to survive high school while living in a group home. In college, I was too overwhelmed to do more than meet for a casual thing.” I heard the embarrassment in my tone, but it wasn’t unusual for someone in college. Maybe more unusual to skip that part of it. “What about you? I don’t think I know anything about your family.”
“I’m an only child, and I grew up on the mainland but spent a lot of time on Almstead with my grandparents. When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather didn’t want to stay in the house alone, so I moved out here.”
“Where is he now?”
“He’s cruising the world with my parents. My dad had a heart attack a few years ago and decided he wanted to step away to spend more time with my mom. They’re like the three musketeers.”
I heard the fondness in Daddy’s voice, but I couldn’t think of a single memory of my dad that would make me smile. If I had grandparents, I’d never met them, and except for my brother sometimes stepping up, no other relatives had ever stepped forward for the various times I’d been in foster care. When I was little, I pretended they all died with my parents in the car crash, and that’s why no one came forward.
“Whose dad is he?”
“My dad’s.” Daddy glanced down at me before he asked, “What about your family?”
I let go of his hand long enough to readjust my backpack, but the moment I was finished, Daddy captured my hand again. “If he’s still alive, my brother is somewhere around here. My parents died in a car accident when I was a kid.” My backpack was heavier than usual tonight.
“Somewhere?”
“I haven’t seen him in person since I was sixteen.” I wanted to kick myself. Thanks to me asking about family, I’d completely ruined the evening. Daddy’s face was pensive and broody.
We spent the rest of the walk in silence. The gloomy haze faded by the time we returned to the car. When Daddy slipped behind the wheel, he sat there for a few minutes without speaking. I occupied myself by fiddling with the straps of my backpack. He finally started the car and drove us back to the ferry in silence. Once parked on the ferry, the car remained silent.
“Want to go up on deck with me?” Daddy asked when the ferry left the dock.
I nodded and opened my door. At his growl, I released the handle and waited for him. He opened my door, took my hand, and led me upstairs to the observation deck. The wind that whipped off the water was bone-chilling, but he stood behind me at the railing and wrapped his arms around me.
“I’m not sure how to do this thing we’re doing,” Daddy said.
There was no controlling the squeak that bubbled out of me.
He continued, “But I like it and want to keep doing it.”
The tension in me melted when his lips pressed against my temple. “I don’t know what I’m doing either, but how are you okay with this?”
“This what? The Daddy part?”
“Yes, and the being with a guy part? Shouldn’t you have some angst about it?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugged unhelpfully. “I want you, and I’m not going to waste time worrying about why. As for the Daddy part, I fucked that up, but I’m working on doing it right. When you figured out you were gay, were you angsty?”
“There wasn’t anyone around to enjoy that crisis, so I just…I don’t know…accepted it? I was a late bloomer with crushes, so I doubt my brother even knows, and he’s my only relative. What would your family say if they discovered what we’re doing?”
“When. It won’t change anything when they find out because I don’t live by committee…” Daddy’s words trailed off while he searched for the right ones. “Beyond that, they are good people. I know how fucking lucky I’ve always felt to be loved unconditionally. And that’s them. They will want to know if I’m happy and if you’re nice. They won’t care about your background or your history. If you share your history with them, they’ll admire you as much as I do. And if I’m wrong about their reaction, then they aren’t the people I thought they were, and I’d have to wonder if I’d want them around me.” Daddy turned me so I was wrapped in his larger, longer coat before he added, “Yeah, my attraction to you surprised me, and I sure as hell wasn’t expecting myself to want a Daddy/boy dynamic. But neither of those things matter. I don’t have to understand the why of it all to know I want it.”