30. Jamie
thirty
Jamie
Some balanced precariously packed bags, no doubt bigger than they’d come with after spending time with Autumn or Felicia in the craft cabin, making beeswax candles or pressing wildflowers for bookmarks.
Memories made here were the kind to stay with a person.
Relived over and over each time they brought a friend to visit or when they’d hear a song we’d belted out at karaoke or smelled a burnt marshmallow.
Glad I’d already packed, I was free to roam among the chaos.
There was still time to catch Autumn running around, no doubt saying her goodbyes and helping campers with whatever they’d need before heading back to their regular lives.
That life still seemed like something Future Jamie would need to deal with, but Future Jamie was quickly becoming Present Jamie again.
I looked around for Ren and Autumn through the crowded entrance as campers and their families packed their cars. Sure enough, she was there—directing, helping, and doing an on-the-fly secret handshake with one of Grant’s kids once bags were loaded.
Her smile still spread across her cheeks as she tucked her hair behind her ear.
“Why don’t we have a secret handshake?” I asked.
Autumn’s laugh seemed to burst out of her. It was the sweetest thing. “We were busy doing other things…”
Now it was my turn for my cheeks to blaze.
I looked past her to regain myself, distracted by Robert’s and Nancy’s laughter as they chatted with Lamar.
It was amazing how quickly the camp staff had ingratiated themselves with Autumn’s parents.
I watched a moment as her parents took in the madness that came with today.
At least now they knew what camp was and the effect it had on people, and I’d bet now that they’d seen the place, they’d want to visit her more often.
Breakfast between the four of us had gone so well, it was clear that all remaining resentments had dissipated.
Talking about our present and future had left more room to understand each other. I wasn’t the class clown they’d probably remembered me as, and they didn’t seem as severe as I’d remembered either.
Catching Autumn’s eye again, I took a deep breath, preparing to…
What? Say goodbye? Tell her it was great getting to know her again?
That it was even better getting my world rocked by her?
Genius. My chest ached at the thought of leaving her behind again.
But after I’d laid my cards on the table, after everything we’d been through this week, she wouldn’t let me stay.
And there was no way I’d try to take this away from her.
The crowd faded away as her eyes met mine again and she took a step closer to me as if she could feel this pull between us too. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
Autumn smiled at me, bright and reassuring as the sun. I was at a loss for words. What if I didn’t get them back?
“You and Ren heading out?” she asked.
I took another breath. Right, casual . I could do this. “Yep. Meeting here in a couple of minutes.”
Smooth. I tried to make more words happen, but I just got lost in memories of the past week.
When she rescued my ax from the lake or when she teetered in yoga and my fingers itched to take her hips in my hands and balance her.
I took another step closer, then hesitated, and Autumn’s hand clenched at her side.
I should have dipped her into a big, romantic kiss or tried to make her laugh.
That was what I should have done. Instead, I took the hand she offered me and shook.
She must have seen the confusion across my face because she redirected and patted my forearm.
“Jamie, it was so nice to see you again.” Robert came up beside Autumn and squeezed my shoulder.
I plastered on a mostly genuine smile. The timing of her parents was impeccable as always, and I struggled to keep the exasperation out of my voice. “You too, Robert, Nancy.”
As we hugged, I looked over Nancy’s shoulder to see a torn Autumn. I wanted more than just a friendly goodbye. I wanted to wrap her tightly in my arms. She didn’t look impressed as her dad lingered.
“We’ll see you tomorrow for brunch, honey.”
“Yeah, Dad. That sounds great.” She didn’t even look at him, still maintaining eye contact with me.
Autumn and I stood again, not quite saying goodbye. This was goodbye, though, and I’d be damned if I fucked it up again. I kissed her cheek, and she smiled at me.
We spoke at the same time.
“Can I call you?”
“Let me know you got home okay?”
So that was that.
I gave her a nod and a friendly wave as Ren came up and said goodbye to Autumn, too, starting their own secret handshake. Are you kidding me? She shrugged as if reading my mind. A moment later, I was wrapping my arm around Ren’s shoulder, and we were off.
A few minutes later, on the same winding road headed back to real life, I remembered how I’d been twisted up with excitement and anticipation when we’d first started on this drive, and now I was dreading leaving. A week hadn’t been enough time, and yet it was enough time to change everything.
The diamond pattern of gray, blue, and yellow brought a smile to my face as I glanced at the friendship bracelet Ren gave me, finding it comforting.
I caught Ren staring and lifted my wrist, wiggling it at him. “Best friendship bracelet I’ve ever received. Thank you.”
His eyes went wide as I pulled a matching one from my pocket. It was a little wonky, some of the diamonds were more square-like, but he smiled anyway so I didn’t care.
“Anything for you, Jamie.”
I smiled at the way Ren said my nickname.
There’d be no going back to James, for him anyway.
James lived to work, and Jamie could work to live.
Friendships hadn’t been a priority before.
They’d needed more time and energy than I’d been willing to invest back then.
A week ago, Ren and I had been a little more than work friends, but now, judging by his goofy grin, it was safe to say this relationship would be worth everything I could give it.
There was no way I’d let Ren slip away like I’d let all my friends from high school and college.
I pictured my phone filled with all of my new camp friends and knew I wouldn’t go back to that life.
“Don’t think I let just anyone call me Jamie.”
“Yeah, good thing we’re best friends.”
“Bracelets don’t lie.” I grinned.
Miles stretched as the music turned hopeful and reflective as we drove on.
Ren was unusually quiet for the last several miles.
He and Grant had spent most of the morning together, and silently hugged before separating, mirroring the mournfulness between me and Autumn just moments before.
I could see the pain in his face at having to part.
I pulled into the parking lot of Wildwood’s two-pump gas station, and Ren dashed into the convenience store for more snacks while I pumped the gas.
Ren came out a couple of minutes later carrying… Everything. He’d obviously learned the importance of snacks from his camp boyfriend. There would be no shortage of food in the event of an emergency, no fight to the death.
“Didn’t you eat before we left?” I asked.
Ren tossed me a bag of Funyuns, my favorite, the motion almost causing him to drop the rest of his stockpile. “I mean, we were kinda busy.”
Ren tried to regain control of the precariously balanced snacks. I opened the door for him, and he sorted through the bounty.
“Making the most of the time? I get that,” I said. “I went looking for Autumn, but she was so busy today. Found Jack instead.”
“How was he?” Ren asked around a bite of a rocky road protein bar.
“He was okay. It’d be difficult living their life, making friends, then watching them leave over and over. The strange thing was, he talked with me as if he’d see me again soon. He was kinda surprised that I was leaving today,” I admitted.
“Maybe he’s onto something.” Ren shrugged. “I almost thought I’d be heading back on my own today.”
“Really? You think I’d miss the first week after being promoted? That doesn’t sound like me.”
“So you would never, you know, decide to go back… It was just goodbye?” he asked, mouth full again.
I shook my head, shoving away thoughts of Autumn in the slice of moonlight in her cabin as we the painful decision to not continue was made. Then I pictured her in our final moments. This was going to be harder than I thought.
“Yeah, of course I’ll visit again.” I tried to skirt the issue. “I have to after such an awkward goodbye. I mean, her parents were there, and if there isn’t anything that kills the mood like parents…”
“Man, if my parents had shown up, I would have been running up that mountain in the other direction. But then maybe I would have been able to stay.” There was a wistfulness to his voice, and I knew, like me, he wished we could go back.
“Funny how quick it felt like home or something, right?” I tried to put into words all the mixed-up feelings I had about leaving where we’d been growing closer, where I’d gotten back in touch with my lighthearted don’t-have-to-live-to-work self.
Ren waved his protein bar in the air. “I know what you mean. I mean… How am I going to go back to a non-communal shower?”
I chuckled. That was probably the only thing I wouldn’t miss about camp. But the people…
Ren completed my thought. “It’ll be the people I miss the most. They make you never want to leave.”
I knew he was mostly talking about Grant, but my mind helplessly wandered back to Autumn. Was she still assisting campers? Or maybe partying in celebration of a hard-worked summer? A day hike daiquiri in one hand, giddy as she swapped her ridiculous pod stories with the other counselors?
“At least no one fell in love though, am I right?” Ren trailed off. I wasn’t sure if he was talking about himself or me, but those words punched me right in the gut.
“Yeah, that would really suck,” I agreed.
Pulling out of the gas station, I let the thoughts mingle as the deep forest green of the trees became swallowed by pastures and fields. I was going to miss it. I’d just have to visit again. I had to keep Autumn in my life.
There had to be some way to make that happen, but the idea of taking more time off once I was responsible for upcoming junior associates was nerve-racking.
Sure, I’d have vacation days, and while I’d rarely used them before, that was going to change.
It was time to prioritize myself. I wanted to spend more time with my family and to watch my niece and nephew grow up.
That was what mattered. I’d already missed so much by overworking and I was done offering excuses.
This time around, it would be different. I was different.
Ren’s playlist started, and the road stretched out as memories of Autumn filled me. She’d been everything to me before, and I’d messed it all up. And here I was again, knowing what I felt, knowing what I needed, and driving away from it.