Chapter 21
Horrified, Cait covered her mouth and stared at Iain with wide, shocked eyes. He tried to tamp down the burst of jealousy that whipped through him, but it was damned difficult to think of Cait with another man.
Iain had known Cormac well. He’d been a gentle giant, and if Iain had wanted Cait to sleep with anyone, Cormac would have been his choice. And then the implications of her announcement hit him. Hell, even Cormac had left her through death.
She lowered her hand and straightened her shoulders, her expression adorably defiant, as if she were a little girl found with a pocketful of scones.
“This is a ridiculous conversation. I don’t have to prove anything to ye.
If ye don’t want me living on yer land, I’ll live on Sutherland land. He’ll have me.”
Tears were shimmering in her deep green eyes, and he despised himself for forcing her to face the truth, but he knew better than anyone that she couldn’t move forward if she didn’t face her past.
And by moving forward, he meant accepting him as her lover and maybe more.
Yes, he was being selfish.
And no, he didn’t care.
He felt like everything was on the line. His entire future rested on this conversation, trite as it may be. “You keep telling me that Sutherland will take you in, but you never say why you haven’t accepted his offer.”
She blinked. “There’s been no reason to. Until now.”
“So do it.” He didn’t want her to leave, but he wanted to know why she didn’t want to leave.
“Ye’re a bastard. Ye said ye have feelings for me, but ye’re surely no’ acting like it.”
“Do you think so? Do you think I’m saying these things because I like to be a bloody bastard? No, Cait. I’m saying them because I do have feelings for you. Because it’s time you faced your fears.”
“I have no fears.”
“I disagree.”
She visibly bristled and her face turned red.
“Do ye want me to say it? Aye, I lost my grandparents when I married John, but it was worth it. John was everything to me, and while the Grahams and the MacGregors made my life as happy as they could, John made me feel joy for the first time in my life. Every day was joyful with him. We had…” She swallowed.
“We had Christina and…she was perfect. And…”
Her voice trembled and her hands were shaking and Iain wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and tell her that she didn’t need to continue, but he stayed where he was and endured her pain as if it were his own, though he wasn’t foolish enough to think he could feel the depth of grief that she was feeling.
“And then she died.” Her voice broke again and she cleared her throat.
A lone tear traveled down her cheek. “But I still had John, and we grieved together, and her death…it brought us closer together.” She blinked, and the tears that had been tenaciously clinging to her lashes broke loose and raced down her cheeks.
“And then John died,” Iain said.
She looked up at the ceiling and blinked rapidly, but the tears refused to stop. Her cheeks and chin were wet. “And then John died,” she whispered brokenly.
“And you moved out here and convinced yourself that your life was fine.”
“It was,” she said softly. “It was good. It was what I needed. I liked taking care of myself and not relying on anyone else.”
“You liked that people couldn’t come into your life and leave again.”
She lowered her gaze to look at him, and he almost winced at the raw pain there. There was also something else, a determination and strength that he’d always admired about her.
“After a time I had Cormac. He filled the loneliness, and it was nice because he left me to live my life the way I wanted to live it.”
“Unlike me.”
“I don’t want a relationship, Iain. I know ye think I’m living my life all wrong, but it’s my life and I like it. I’m no’ opposed to ye coming now and again and having an afternoon like the one we had the other day, but I don’t want more than that.”
“I do.” He tamped down on his irritation at her stubbornness. Didn’t she see how much she had to offer?
She looked at him sadly. “Then I’m no’ what ye’re looking for.”
“Yes, you are. You can’t or won’t see it, but you are.”
“Stop pushing me!” she cried out. “What are ye trying to prove? That I’ve run to the edge of nowhere to be alone?
Aye, I did. That everyone I’ve ever loved has either left me or died?
Aye, they did. That I’m condemning myself and apparently ye by not opening myself up to loss?
Of course!” She paced away from him. “What would you do, Iain Campbell?”
“I don’t know.”
She spun back to him and pointed at him. “Exactly. Ye have no idea what ye would do, and ye have no right to cast judgment on me.”
“Oh, Cait,” he said softly. “I’m not casting judgment. I’m just saying that it’s time to stop hiding and live again. You’re too young to have given up on life.”
“I’m living. I’m fighting England in my own way. I’m healing those who come to me for help.”
“I’m not talking about fighting England or saving people, whether it be through your medicine or Sutherland. I’m talking about opening your heart. I’m talking about letting someone past the barriers you’ve erected.”
Her bosom heaved as if she were running for her life. Her mind certainly seemed to be running from everything he was throwing at her. Maybe she was correct. Maybe it wasn’t any of his business and he had no right to intrude on the life she’d created after the tragedy of losing everything.
He couldn’t accept that. He couldn’t accept that she was truly happy cutting herself off from everyone.
“That’s something coming from ye,” she said coldly.
“Oh?”
“Aye, oh! Ye say that I’m the one who has erected barriers? What about ye? Ye’ve perfected the art of hiding yer feelings. No one can slide past that cold look.”
“I’ll admit that I wall myself off as well.” His reasons were different. He did it to survive. “And I’m lonely because of it. There are few people I trust and even fewer people I can be myself with. I trust you, Cait.”
“Ye’re no’ putting that on me. I didn’t ask for yer trust.”
“Nevertheless, you have it.”
She held her hand out to stop him. “I don’t want that.”
He was losing this battle. Possibly he was losing the war. That caused him to panic. He didn’t want to lose her, and more than that, he didn’t want her giving up on life any longer.
“That’s life, Cait. You don’t think I’ve suffered loss?
I’ve lost my parents, too. And I lost John.
Life is horrible and wonderful, and in between the horrible and the wonderful is the mundane, which is wonderful in its own right.
It’s called life, and it’s endless, and it batters you, and when the storm is over, the sun comes up and everything is bathed in light and goodness and laughter again. ”
Tears trickled down her cheeks and her hands were clenched in the folds of her gown.
“But what if the wonderful never happens again?” she whispered. “What if, for some people, life is just one big storm after another and the light never shines again? What then?”
He stepped toward her, his heart breaking at the fear and the grief and despair and loneliness in her eyes. “I believe there is always light. Sometimes it takes longer to shine, and sometimes you have to drag yourself to it, but it’s there.”
She looked up at him, those heartbreaking tears running down her cheeks. “I wish I believed what ye believe.”
“Maybe you don’t believe it now, but if you give me a chance I’ll show you.”
She huffed out a laugh and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hands. “Ye’re incorrigible.”
“It’s my worst trait.”
“No’ yer worst.”
“And what would my worst be?” He wanted to hug her tightly but held back.
“Ye always think ye’re right.”
“That’s not a bad trait to have. If I think I’m right, then people do as I say.”
“Is that yer secret, then? Just plow yer way through?”
“I never thought of it that way, but I guess it is.”
“That’s very brave and very stupid of ye.”
“I never said I was smart, just stubborn.”
“And incorrigible.”
“And incorrigible.”
She drew in a shaking breath. Her face was pale, and she seemed about to fall over.
“Come here,” he said softly, holding his hand out to her.
She remained still for the longest time while he held his breath, waiting. Finally, she took it. Her fingers were cold and trembling, and he closed his hand around hers, pulling her toward the settee, where he sat down and tugged her onto his lap.
To his surprise and relief, she snuggled into him and laid her head on his shoulder. Tiny tremors ran through her body, and he rubbed her back. Slowly, she relaxed against him, her breathing evening out, although she continued to sniff.
“Part of me hates ye,” she said.
“That’s definitely not encouraging.”
“Ye couldn’t leave me be, could ye?”
“No.”
“And will ye leave me alone now that ye made me admit that ye were right about everything?”
“No.”
She sighed. “I thought not.”
If anything, he was more determined and believed in her more than ever. He thought he might be falling in love with her, and that was a strange feeling.
“I don’t want to move back to the big house,” she said.
“I’m not asking you to move back to the big house.” Not yet, at least. Even he understood that this would take time. Though he wanted her with him, he wouldn’t push it.
She tilted her head back to look up at him. “Did I misread yer intentions?”
“No. But I won’t push you. If you’re comfortable here, then this is where I will be.”
She raised her brows. “Ye’re moving in with me? Won’t people talk? Won’t ye be needed at the big house?”
He smiled. At least she wasn’t pushing him away and telling him he had to leave or she was moving to Sutherland land. That was a step in the right direction.
“I’m no’ moving in. But make no mistake, I will come here as often as I can get away.”
“Ye mean ye don’t already do that? I feel like ye’re constantly underfoot.”
He chuckled. “That’s nothing compared to what I’ll be like now.”
She looked at him solemnly. “I’m not ceasing my activities with Sutherland. I like what I do, and I like that I’m helping people move toward the wonderful after the horrible.”
He plucked the pins out of her fiery hair and untangled the strands as they fell about her shoulders. “You’re using my words against me.”
“If I’m to believe ye, then everyone has a wonderful after the horrible, and I hope that’s true for the people who come through my home.”
He concentrated on running his fingers through her hair.
It was so many different colors, all related to fire.
One would think it would be hot to the touch, but it wasn’t.
It was cool and smooth and silky. “While I don’t like it because I fear for your safety, I know I can’t stop you from doing something you truly believe in. ”