Chapter 29 #2
“Fuck you, Liam.” His voice was quiet but seething, filled with something deeper than just anger. Hurt. Disappointment. Frustration. He let out a breath that sounded more exhausted than anything. “I can’t keep doing this.”
Panic shot through me fast.
“Not since… ” I hesitated, closing my eyes for a beat before opening them again. My voice cracked as I forced myself to continue. “Not since my first boyfriend.”
Sam froze, his shoulders still tense, but he didn’t move inside.
Didn’t walk away.
So I kept going. I forced myself to keep going.
To say it out loud.
“He fucked me up, Sam.”
The words barely left my lips before I felt the weight of them settle between us. The weight of him, of everything I had carried for years.
“I was young. Stupid. In love with him. And he… ” I clenched my jaw, shook my head, curled my hands into fists at my sides. “He broke me. In ways I didn’t even know were possible.”
Sam didn’t say anything.
Didn’t press.
Didn’t try to fill the silence.
He just listened.
So I kept going.
I let the past come up, the memories dragging themselves to the surface, demanding to be seen.
“His name was Ian,” I said, staring at the rain-darkened pavement.
“I met him when I was twenty-two. Fresh out of college. I thought… fuck, I thought he was everything. Smart. Confident. Charismatic. He made me feel like the most important person in the fucking world.” I let out a breathy, humorless laugh. “Until he didn’t.”
Sam was still. Listening to me. Waiting.
I swallowed hard.
“Ian was a fixer. Or at least, that’s what he wanted to be. He wanted me to be his project. To smooth out my rough edges. He said I was too loud. Too much. That I needed to tone it down.” I sighed. “And I fucking believed him.”
I ran a hand through my damp hair, my nails pressing into my scalp.
“He tore me down piece by piece. Made me second-guess everything I said. The way I laughed. The way I dressed. The way I was. Every little thing, he had a comment. A suggestion. A better way I could be. And when I started to push back, to stand up for myself, he’d pull me back in with an apology.
A gift. A kiss. He always knew just how far to go before reeling me back in. ”
Sam’s hands were in his pockets now, his shoulders tense, his jaw tight.
I forced myself to keep going.
“He cheated on me,” I said, my voice hollow.
“For months. Maybe longer. I found out through someone else, one of his friends who thought I should know. And when I confronted him, do you know what he said?” My chest burned, my throat tight with the memory.
“He said, ‘Well, what did you expect? You’re exhausting, Liam. You’re needy.
’” My breath hitched. “Like it was my fault. Like I should’ve known better than to expect anything different. Like I wasn’t worth something better.”
Sam’s mouth parted slightly, something dark and angry in his eyes.
“I loved him,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “And he made me feel like I was too much for anyone to love back.”
The rain was still falling.
Soaking through my clothes.
Dripping from my hair.
But I barely felt it.
I was shaking.
Not from the cold.
From all of it.
“I left,” I continued, my voice steadier now, but still thick with emotion.
“Packed my shit and never spoke to him again. But it didn’t matter.
Because by then, I was already fucked. I told myself I’d never let someone make me feel like that again.
Never let myself get attached enough for them to hurt me. ”
I let out another breath, hands trembling at my sides.
“So, yeah,” I declared, shaking my head. “I don’t do relationships. I won’t let myself go there.”
The silence between us stretched, heavy and charged.
Sam didn’t speak.
I laughed under my breath, sharp and humorless, rubbing a hand over the back of my neck. “Everyone thinks I’m easygoing. Laid-back. Like I just drift through things and let whatever happens, happen.” I scoffed. “That’s bullshit.”
I finally looked at him then, my jaw tight.
“This? This is the part I can control. I control how close people get. I control how much they know. I control when things stay fun and when they stop.” My voice dropped, steadier now.
“Because if I’m the one setting the limits, then I’m not the one getting blindsided. ”
I swallowed hard. “I guard my heart. Aggressively. I keep it locked down, because I know exactly what happens when I don’t.”
My laugh was short, bitter. “If I don’t let anyone all the way in, they can’t tear me down again. They can’t hollow me out. They can’t make me feel stupid for believing in something real.”
I met his eyes, something raw slipping through despite myself.
“This isn’t me being careless. It’s me surviving.”
I swallowed, my chest burning. “Because the second I let someone in like that, the second I stop keeping one foot out the door…” I shook my head. “That’s when it hurts.”
A beat.
Then, quieter, almost like a confession I hadn’t meant to make:
“And as long as I stay in control, I don’t get hurt.”
Another beat.
“And I know exactly how to do that. I’m really fucking good at it.”
Sam didn’t move.
He just looked at me.
And maybe that was worse.
Because Sam had never looked at me like I was too much.
Had never asked me to be anything other than exactly who I was.
And the realization of that hit me like a fucking train.
“I’ve never told anyone about that before.”
My walls, the ones I had spent so fucking long fortifying, were crumbling right there on his doorstep, under the weight of his look.
But I wasn’t done.
Because there was more.
Because Sam was different.
And for the first time, I wanted different.
I took a step closer.
Just one.
“But you… ” My voice was barely above a whisper. “You fuck up all my rules. All my bullshit. My tricks don’t work on you.”
Sam’s expression didn’t change.
Didn’t waver.
So I kept going.
“Because I do want you, Sam.” My heart was racing, my pulse thrumming like a goddamn war drum. “I do want to hold your hand. I do want to kiss you. I do want to watch shitty TV with you.” I swallowed hard, closing the space between us until we were barely an inch apart. “I do want this. You.”
My voice cracked on the last word.
And Sam let out a breath like it had been punched from his lungs.
The rain kept falling.
But suddenly, I wasn’t cold anymore.
I swallowed past the tightness in my throat, the weight of everything hanging between us, thick and unrelenting. The rain dripped from my hair, slid down my cheeks, soaked through every layer of clothing I had on. But I barely felt it. Not with Sam standing in front of me, waiting and watching me.
“I don’t know how to do this either,” I admitted, voice rough, raw, scraped clean of all my usual armor. “But… ” I tried to steady myself. “But can we try? See what happens?”
For a second, he just looked at me.
I could see the war happening in his head, the hesitation, the uncertainty, the sudden inhale like he was preparing to brace himself.
Then he moved. His hands were on me in an instant, gripping my face, his touch firm and sure. His arms wound around me, pulling me in, holding me tight, like he’d been waiting for this moment just as long as I had. Like he needed it just as badly.
His body was solid against mine, his warmth seeping through the cold rain, the press of his chest steady, grounding. His breath hit my skin, hot, damp from the rain, from the space we still barely held between us.
And then we kissed.
It was desperate. Hungry. Months, maybe years of tension colliding in an instant, crashing through the barriers we had spent too long pretending to hold up. His lips were firm, unrelenting, parting against mine like he was staking a claim. Like he was saying finally without speaking a single word.
I groaned into it, pressing closer, tasting the rain on his lips, threading my fingers into his damp hair. His grip on my jacket tightened, like he was anchoring himself to me, and fuck, I let him, because I was anchoring myself to him, too.
Then a crack of thunder split the sky, shaking the air around us.
We both jumped, a startled jolt running through us.
And Sam laughed.
Breathless, head tilting back just slightly, eyes crinkling at the corners. A deep, unguarded, relieved laugh. Like the tension had finally broken. Like it was safe now. Like we were safe.
“Jesus,” he voiced, shaking his head.
I let out a shaky breath, pressing my forehead against his. “Yeah.”
The moment stretched, the rain still pouring around us, the distant rumble of thunder rolling low in the sky. My heart was pounding in my chest, but for the first time in months, I wasn’t afraid.
Sam pressed one last lingering kiss to the corner of my mouth before pulling back slightly. “Come inside.”
I swallowed, nodded.
And he led me in, out of the rain, into the warmth of his home.
For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t running.