Chapter 2
TWO
Too soon, I had to exit out of the game and head to campus.
This was the first summer I’d worked at the tutoring center during a summer session.
My boss had told me it wasn’t usually as busy this time of year since a lot of summer classes were done online, but they always had a need for math and science tutors, and those were two subjects I excelled at.
It was still hot and the sun was beating down, but there was a cool breeze coming off the Clark Fork River that made the short walk bearable. I knew during the cold winter months, I’d miss being able to take this walk.
It was quiet along the riverside trail that led from our apartment to campus. People walking their dogs, couples holding hands, and a group of moms pushing strollers all walked by, but they didn’t acknowledge me, too lost in their own conversations.
Most days, I didn’t mind being invisible. It was safer than being truly seen.
I mean, what would people see if they really saw me?
Would they see the girl who was still living in the shadow of her mother’s death?
Would they see the girl who was both so confident in what she wanted to do with her future and so terrified of the unknown that the future held?
Would they see a plain, boring college student with no life outside of work or school?
Would they see a girl who preferred to plant seeds in a pixelated field because it felt safer than trying to build something real that could be ripped away from her without a moment’s notice?
If they looked closely enough, would they see the way my heart ached to find someone who got me and could love me the way I’d once wished for before life had made me scared to hope?
It was silly to worry about it when it seemed like no one saw me at all.
I was just another face in the passing crowd as I walked on campus and past clusters of people—some students, some locals enjoying the beauty of our small campus since it wasn’t overrun with students like it would be when fall semester hit.
A girl who looked about my age lifted her hand in a wave, her face breaking out in a smile as she walked toward me.
For a moment, my heart lifted along with my hand.
Warmth flowed down my spine, even though I didn’t recognize her.
And then we got closer and the girl spoke, her eyeline somewhere just over my shoulder, and I realized she hadn’t been waving to me at all.
Embarrassment burned my cheeks as I put my hand down, worried she’d see it and pity me. But that worry was all for naught because she didn’t acknowledge me at all as she passed on by.
And even though I tried to convince myself that’s how I wanted it, it didn’t change how painfully alone it made me feel.
I ducked my head and walked faster.
I hadn’t always felt this way.
Freshman year had been filled with hope and possibility that I wouldn’t have to be that girl who was constantly studying and always had her head in a book like I had in high school. I could be someone new. I could still be that girl, but I could also be a more adventurous version of her.
Someone who flirted with boys and went out on dates and got drunk at a college party.
I’d even tried that once.
In fact, I’d managed to kiss one of the most popular boys on campus, who I’d had a secret crush on since the first day of classes.
But that night didn’t go at all the way I’d hoped or planned. It’d left me feeling beyond embarrassed and confused.
And then two nights later, my whole world shifted with one phone call.
If it hadn’t been for Sam, I don’t know how I would have made it through that semester.
I’d considered taking it off to help my younger brother grieve the loss of our mother, but my grandmother, Gram, teamed up with Sam and they refused to let me.
Instead, I’d switched most of my classes to online work with the approval of several of my professors, which helped lighten my load while still keeping me on track to graduate on time.
It had also allowed me to get out of seeing that guy again—although considering he was one of the most popular jocks on campus, I still saw him from a distance from time to time and heard his name more often than I would’ve liked.
I was grateful now that they hadn’t let me give up my dreams when I was drowning in grief.
It had been during those first few months of losing her that I also discovered Stardew Valley and became obsessed with the game.
Maybe it had started as a way to escape my painful reality, but it had turned into a community for me—a safe haven.
It took time to find my footing after losing my mom, but I’d found small ways to make the real world a little more bearable without her. Holding on to the dreams I had before she passed was one of them.
One dream, especially.
My mom had gone to Clark Fork University, and I had been so excited to follow in her footsteps. I still was, even if I missed her with a fierce longing every single day.
It had been almost two years, and sometimes I couldn’t stop myself from wondering what my life, especially my college experience, would have been like if she hadn’t gotten in that car accident driving home from work.
Who would I be now?
Would I have pushed aside that awful night with Foster? Would I have dated someone else, fallen in love, made more friends besides Sam?
I guess it didn’t matter because I was who I was. I’d done what I had to do to stay on track with getting my degree. Relationships, boys, dating in general were all distractions from my ultimate goal. After my mom’s accident, my brain had focused on logic.
Math and science made sense. I knew what to expect from them. Always.
They never surprised me or hurt me or confused me.
There was always an answer that made sense.
And there was comfort in that, I reminded myself. It didn’t matter if I was invisible and had zero social life outside of a farming game.
While I may have been invisible on the greater campus, as soon as I walked into the tutoring center, I was greeted with warm smiles and waves from the two other tutors working here this summer.
A sense of pride warmed me before I could remind myself that I’d just told myself I didn’t need acknowledgment.
But I couldn’t deny that I loved being good at helping others find academic success. I loved that my boss knew I was reliable and that I’d made a name for myself as the best whenever he needed an exceptional math and science tutor.
Here in the tutoring center, I had value and people saw what I brought to the table, so it didn’t matter if I was invisible to the rest of the world.
Pushing those lingering thoughts aside, I got to work.