Chapter 45
FORTY-FIVE
My body ached like I had been run over by a semi—or like I’d run a marathon without any prep. I opened my eyes but didn’t get out of bed.
I didn’t move at all.
I simply stared at the ceiling, wondering if yesterday had all been just a really bad dream—except for the end.
The memory of Foster’s touch, his gentle hands and reassuring whispers, was the only bright spot in what had otherwise been the worst day I’d had since my mom died.
Sometimes physical connection was the only thing that could break through overwhelming grief, providing a temporary escape from the crushing weight of reality.
But the pain always had a tendency of coming back, and now in the light of day, it was coming back in a rush.
And my reality was that I was going to lose another person I loved and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
The only positive was that at least this time I’d get to say goodbye.
I’d heard people debate about whether it was easier to lose someone knowing it was coming or to have someone taken from you quickly. Now that I was living through this experience with Gram, I could say with one hundred percent certainty that they both sucked.
Nothing about loss or death was easy or better than another alternative. No matter how you lost someone, it felt terrible.
But I couldn’t fall apart again because Mason was counting on me and I had to be strong for him.
I got up and went to the bathroom to wash my face with cold water, pressing it against my eyelids in a weak attempt to get the swelling down from all the crying I’d done yesterday.
It didn’t help much. I would need to put some ice packs on them for a few minutes before I went to the hospital because I didn’t want Gram to see me with red and swollen eyes.
When I walked into the kitchen, I froze. Sitting at the kitchen table, talking, were Mason and Foster. I watched them for a second in awe. My brother was more animated than I’d expected him to be as he told a story to Foster that seemed to be about something that happened with his football team.
Foster caught sight of me first, and heat curled like smoke in my stomach at the way his face lit up with a smile.
“Morning, Gorgeous,” he said, already getting up and walking over to me.
“Morning,” I said, as he wrapped his arms around me in his signature hug that I was officially addicted to. His warmth enveloped me, and for a moment, I let myself lean into him completely, drawing strength from his solid presence.
He dropped a kiss on the top of my head. “Want some coffee?” he asked.
“Coffee would be great.” I padded over to the table where my brother still sat. “How are you holding up?” I asked Mason as I joined him.
He shrugged. “As well as can be expected, I guess.” He hesitated, and when he looked up at me, it was with that same innocent yet scared look he’d sometimes get when he was little. The look that always made my heart ache with the need to protect him from whatever was troubling him.
“Did you know?” he asked.
Of all the things for him to ask me, I hadn’t expected that one. I’d thought my shock and devastation yesterday had been an obvious sign that I had been as out of the loop as he was, but clearly not.
“I had no idea until the doctor told me, I swear.”
He nodded, but I didn’t miss the way his shoulders almost seemed to sag in relief.
I reached out and squeezed his hand. “Mase, I would have told you if I knew. I wouldn’t keep that secret from you.”
“She did,” he said, and I hated the slightly bitter note in his tone. His fingers tightened around mine, betraying the hurt he was trying to hide.
“Yeah, she did, and maybe we can learn from her mistake because I don’t think it was right that she didn’t tell us.”
It honestly felt like a betrayal that she would keep this from us—especially after everything we’d already been through as a family—but it explained so much of her behavior over the past several months.
Her trips down memory lane in the attic.
The way she’d watch us like she was trying to memorize it all.
A thought suddenly hit me and I turned to Foster. “Didn’t you have practice this morning? And classes?” I added as I checked the clock. It was almost nine, and I knew the hockey team usually had early morning practices.
“I called Coach this morning to get out of practice, and I’m skipping my classes today.
I thought I’d help you guys out here and then we can drive into town together.
I can do food runs or whatever while you stay at the hospital and visit with Gram.
That way you don’t have to worry about anything but spending time with her. ”
He was too good to be true. Emotion bubbled in my throat as I got up and wrapped my arms around his neck. He held me close like he needed that hug as much as I did. His hands rubbed gentle circles on my back, and I fought back a fresh wave of tears at his soothing touch.
“Thank you.”
His eyes warmed with an emotion I was afraid to name as he looked down at me. “You don’t have to thank me, Abby. I want to be here for you.”
“Okay, that’s my cue to go. You guys look like you’re about to make out,” Mason said as he pushed back his chair and left the kitchen. There was a hint of teasing in his voice that I hadn’t heard in ages.
“What were you guys talking about earlier?” I asked Foster after Mason had disappeared down the hallway.
We sat down at the kitchen table, but he kept his hand on my leg, the contact warming me from the inside out. His thumb traced small circles on my knee, and the gentle touch grounded me.
“Not much,” he said. “Sports mostly, football specifically.”
“You know football?”
He gave me a look, and a smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.
“I live in Montana. Of course I know football. Just because I play hockey doesn’t mean I don’t also enjoy football.
” He nodded his head in the direction my brother had disappeared to.
“You know, he’s a pretty cool kid. It was nice getting to know him a little better. ”
“I appreciate everything you’ve done, and I know you told me I don’t need to say thank you,” I said hurriedly as he opened his mouth.
“But I want to tell you that it means a lot to me to have you here. But you don’t have to come to the hospital if you have other things to do.
I know you’ve got a big series of games coming up this week. ”
Now that the season was well underway, they were trying to maintain their lead in the conference so they could go to the state playoffs in February.
He squeezed my hand. “Missing a day won’t ruin anything. I’m right where I need to be.”
The sincerity in his voice made my throat tight. I took a sip of the coffee he’d placed in front of me, buying time to compose myself. It was perfectly prepared—just the right amount of cream and sugar. Another small detail that showed how much attention he paid to the little things about me.
Foster’s hand was warm in mine, his presence a silent support as we approached Gram’s hospital room. Mason walked slightly behind us. He’d been tense since we parked the car.
The nurse at the station recognized us from yesterday and gave us a sympathetic smile. “She’s awake and had a decent night,” she said quietly. “The doctor will be by again in about an hour.”
I nodded my thanks, steeling myself before entering the room. The whole way here, I’d hoped she would be awake and alert today, but now I was scared to face her. To have the conversation I knew we needed to have.
Foster squeezed my hand, and his touch gave me the last little bit of strength I needed.
The first thing I noticed when I pushed open her door was that Gram looked even smaller than she had yesterday, her skin nearly as pale as the white hospital sheets.
The machines around her beeped steadily, monitoring her vital signs.
But unlike yesterday, her eyes were open, and when she saw us, her face lit up with a smile that still held traces of the vibrant woman she’d always been, although I didn’t miss the guilt in her eyes.
“Hey there,” she said, her voice weaker than I’d ever heard it.
Mason approached first, awkwardly leaning over to kiss her cheek. “Hey, Gram.”
I followed, gently taking her hand, mindful of the IV line. “How are you feeling?”
“Oh, about as well as can be expected,” she said, her attempt at humor breaking my heart. Her gaze shifted to Foster, who stood respectfully near the door. “It’s nice to see you again, Foster.”
“You too. Wish it were under better circumstances.”
Gram looked down and cleared her throat before pasting a smile on her face. “Yes, well, any young man who shows up at the hospital during a family crisis is worth keeping, I’d say.”
“I agree,” I said, glancing at Foster with a small smile.
After a few minutes of gentle conversation, Foster excused himself to get us coffees, tactfully giving us time alone with Gram.
As soon as the door closed behind him, the facade crumbled. Tears filled Gram’s eyes as she looked between Mason and me.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I should have told you.”
The question that had been burning inside me finally spilled out. “Why didn’t you?”
She sighed, the sound rattling slightly in her chest. “It was already too far advanced. After everything you two had been through…losing your father, then your mother… I couldn’t bear to put that burden on you.”
I felt the tears I’d been trying to hold back begin to fall. “How long have you known?”
“Since early summer,” she admitted. “The doctors gave me options, but at my age, the treatments would have just made what time I had left miserable. I wanted quality over quantity.”
“But—” I started to protest.
She squeezed my hand with surprising strength.
“Abigail Jane Walker, don’t you dare second-guess my decision.
I’ve lived a full life, and I made my choice with a clear head and a full heart.
I wanted to enjoy the rest of my life with you kids instead of being pumped full of poison and watching you two worry yourselves sick. ”
I nodded, unable to speak. I still wasn’t happy with her decision—I wasn’t sure I’d ever be okay with it—but I understood it. If I only had a limited time with her, I wasn’t going to spend it arguing.
“Now,” she continued, her tone softening, “I need you both to listen to me. I’ve made all the arrangements.
The house has been paid off for years, and it’ll go to both of you.
You can keep it or sell it to use the money for your education or whatever else you choose. I wish I had more to leave you—”
“Gram, we don’t need to talk about this now,” I said.
“Yes, we do,” she insisted. “Because I feel weaker every hour, and I need to know you’ll be okay. I need to know you’ll take care of each other.”
“We will,” Mason promised, his voice steady despite the tears streaming down his face.
We spent the next half hour talking—about memories, regrets, and hopes for the future. But it was obvious Gram’s energy was fading fast.
Foster returned with not only coffee, but food for us, and we spent the day in Gram’s hospital room.
Foster’s steady presence beside me was the anchor I needed to keep from feeling like my grief would suck me under as we faced head-on the reality that Gram would very likely never leave this room before she succumbed to her cancer.
I wasn’t ready to lose her, but once again, life hadn’t given me a choice.