Twelve
Cam
Confusion filled me at Micah's declaration.
You're scared of meeting our mates? Why?
The thought had never, ever occurred to me.
When we first found out we had two more mates out there, sure, it'd taken us a while to get used to the idea. But I'd thought we were equally eager to meet them.
Did that mean Micah hadn't actually wanted to go on the trip? That he'd only done it for my sake?
"I don't know," Micah said, then seemed to realize he was lying again, because he sighed. "Or maybe I do. I just... it's a stupid fear. I know it is. But I can't make myself stop feeling it."
If it's causing you so much pain, it's not stupid.
Micah huffed. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."
I gave him a squeeze, huffing a warm exhale into his hair as I rumbled softly.
"I'm just...I'm worried you won't need me any longer once we find the others."
I blinked, my eyes focused on the flickering water of the pond as I tried to process what he'd just admitted. Was he serious?
Micah...if you think I can just replace you with someone else...
I growled low in my throat, just the thought of anyone taking his place enough to rile me up.
No one can ever take your place in my life .
Micah shrugged in my hold, lowering his head as his fingers dug into my wing, desperately holding on. I gave him another squeeze, a promise that I wouldn't let go.
"You can't know that," he murmured in a barely there voice. "They might be hotter than I am, or better at keeping up with you. You might get along so much better, and what if I can't form a connection with them? What if they love you and just tolerate me because we're a package deal and I have to hear all about it from their thoughts?"
My heart sank as I realized this wasn't a new fear. Micah had felt like this for a while, for years probably, and I'd never realized. How could I have not noticed?
I don't want to not matter to you.
I wasn't sure if he'd meant for me to hear that, but my chest ached at the pain behind those words.
Even after all these years, the pain Micah had felt when his birth parents had not only disowned him but also had him arrested because of his powers hadn't gone away. It still hurt him, even though he had much better, worthier parents now.
I would never truly understand what it felt like to be told by the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally that you weren't worth loving. Micah had told me about it in hushed whispers after nightmares had woken him in the middle of the night, and I'd wished every time that I could do something to take his pain away.
Knowing I'd made him feel similar pain with my excitement over our other mates, and by ignoring the fact that something was bothering him, broke my heart. Micah was an amazing mate, and I'd failed him.
"It's not your fault," Micah murmured, replying to my thoughts. "You can't read minds, remember?"
But I knew something was wrong, and I didn't ask you about it. I ignored it. What kind of mate am I, that I ignored your pain?
Guilt filled me until I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I realized I wasn't ready to meet my other mates after all. I needed to do right by Micah before I could have any hope of being good enough for them, or I might end up failing them too.
We've been together since we were practically kids, Cam. And sure, things happened that made us grow up a little faster, but we were still kids. I've actively worked hard to make sure you didn't sense my...reluctance, so it's not your fault. I wanted you to ignore it.
This time, Micah spoke the words in my mind, like he was ashamed to admit it out loud. Even now, he was convinced that he was the one in the wrong. How did I convince him otherwise?
I love you, Micah Baudelaire-Romanov , I thought, squeezing my wings tight around him as I buried my nose in his hair. Bending over like this so I could surround him was a little uncomfortable with how big my dragon form was, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be close to him, to surround him with my scent and warmth so he knew I was all his. That will never change, no matter who or how amazing our mates are. And they will love you too—I know they will. How could they not? I have great taste in men, and I think you're the sexiest man on the planet, and so will they .
Micah gave a rough laugh that almost sounded like a sob, and then he turned around, pressing his face against my chest as his fingers dug into the hard scales that covered it. It had to hurt, but Micah still maintained a white-knuckle grip, as if he didn't want any space between us.
Since I didn't want to hurt him any more than I already had, I shifted back to my human form. One of the perks of being a dragon was that my clothes stayed between transformations, unlike with shifters.
I wrapped my arms around Micah, and he buried his face in the crook of my neck, trembling just a little as he hugged me back. I hadn't noticed that before, but it was way more obvious in this form. Oh, my sweet, gentle mate.
"Come on. Let's go inside."
Micah didn't protest when I hefted him up into my arms, just wrapped his legs around my waist, and I took him inside and then up the stairs to our bedroom. Carrying him to the bed, I pulled the covers up until they reached our chins and turned off the lights, plunging the room into darkness.
Turning on my side, I pulled Micah close, hugging him tight as he tucked his head under my chin. I ran my fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp as he sighed softly.
"I'm sorry," Micah mumbled after a while, startling me. I'd thought he was already asleep, but clearly not.
Micah
"What are you apologizing for?"
What didn't I need to apologize for?
For dumping all my insecurities on Cam, when he'd done nothing to warrant them? For making him feel guilty because of my own fucked-up-ness? For making him decide he didn't want to meet our other mates anytime soon? For feeling relieved and maybe even a little happy about his decision?
The list was endless, but Cam gazed down at me with patience, his green eyes gleaming in the faint moonlight peeking in through the window.
We stared at each other for a while, and the sound of rain pattering on the roof filled the air between us after a few minutes. Still, Cam waited.
"For everything," I settled on with a shrug, my voice hushed and barely audible over the rain.
Cam's lips twisted down in a sad frown before he blinked it away, like I couldn't also read his thoughts. I refrained from doing it anyway, afraid to hear what he thought.
Did he think I was pathetic? That it didn't make sense for me to be so fucking insecure after the charmed life I'd lived at Dad and Papa's?
Everything bad that ever happened to me happened ages ago. I shouldn't let it still affect me to this degree, and I knew that.
Cam had almost died when he was just eight, and look at him now. He'd healed from the whole ordeal, and he was a sane, stable man. He hadn't let his past drag him down or keep him trapped. I wished I could do the same.
Why were my birth parents' disinterest and abandonment stronger than the love and care Dad and Papa had given me? I'd been their son for longer than I'd lived with my birth parents, so why did I still feel like I'd never be worth anything to anyone?
"You have nothing to apologize for, Micah," Cam said, then made a face. "Well, you could try to communicate a little better, to tell me when you aren't feeling so good, but other than that, there's nothing you need to worry about. Everything you're feeling, all your fears, they're valid. I wish you didn't feel them, for your sake, but I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about them."
I peered up at him, awed by the strength and seriousness in his voice. Cam was rarely serious, which was why every time he got this look on his face, I knew I needed to listen . Cam was a talkative man, and I loved listening to him. We worked well because I was naturally quiet, and Cam made sure things never got awkward by keeping up conversations when I needed a minute.
Cam was my lifeline, a bright, cheerful lifeline that kept me going, especially on days like these.
"I know I don't take things seriously a lot of the time, but I'm always serious when it comes to you and your well-being, Micah. Always ."
I exhaled, and the sound was loud and rough. The rain had stopped as suddenly as it'd started—was Raiden okay? Or was that an actual natural rain?—and silence descended as I tried to formulate a reply.
"I know. I do. I've never, ever doubted your feelings for me, Cam. I know it didn't sound like it before, but it's true. In my heart, I know you love me, and that it won't change no matter how amazing our other mates are." I swallowed hard, the familiar fear creeping up the moment I started thinking about a future where it wasn't just the two of us. "But every time the topic comes up, my fears get the best of me. There's this...this voice in my head, and it keeps reminding me that my parents didn't want me, didn't love me, didn't think I was worth it, so why would anyone else? I know it's not right. I know that logically, but I just..." I shook my head, unable to keep going, and covered my face with my hands, wishing Saaya would come steal me away into the shadows again.
She didn't, probably because she knew this was a conversation I needed to have.
Cam was silent, and I was too scared to peek into his thoughts. I wanted to turn around and curl up under the covers, to hide from him until he left me alone with my pitiful self.
"Cassian and Gus are your parents, and they love you immensely," Cam said, his voice brooking no arguments. "The people who created you, they were just worthless stand-ins until you could find your actual parents."
The venom in Cam's voice surprised me. Cam was not one to hate people, even people who'd done him wrong. And yet there was nothing but loathing in his voice when he spoke of my birth parents.
My birth parents had never been affectionate, not even before I discovered my psychic abilities. The first time someone hugged me was when Dad and Papa—or Cassian and Gus, as they'd introduced themselves to me back then—found me. Dad had asked if I was okay with being touched, and when I'd given him a hesitant nod, so, so afraid of what he'd do to me, he'd pulled me into a warm hug that had made me feel like I was safe and home .
I hadn't thought about that day in so long, and I swallowed the lump in my throat at the memory. Yeah, they were my true parents, and I'd known it since the moment I met them.
If there were fated bonds between parents and children, I knew mine would connect me to Dad and Papa, not to my birth parents. They loved me, had since they'd found me, and I didn't think there was anything I could do that would make them abandon me. If I ended up murdering someone, they'd probably help me get rid of the body before sitting me down and calmly explaining why murder was bad.
"As for our other mates, whenever they find us, they'll see you the way I see you. They'll see the smart, amazing man, the beautiful, sexy princess, the shy, take-charge lover, and they'll love you just as much as I do."
Cam's eyes gleamed, still so very intense, and there was nothing I could do but believe him.
For the first time since the implications of having two more mates had sunk in, I didn't feel as scared about the whole thing. A part of me was almost...hopeful.
"I love you," I murmured, remembering I hadn't said it back earlier, and Cam's eyes sparkled as he smiled at me, then leaned forward to give my lips a soft, chaste kiss.
Maybe, just maybe, everything would work out.