18
Present
I scan through my memory.
Yep, I was right. This is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done.
Irap my knuckles three timeson Dr Keller’s door at his practice office.
It’s been two days since he crashed the investigation—okay,fine,was invited there by Hawkins. I said more than I meant to at the last session, but Hawkinsis going tofire me if I don’t get Dr Keller’s approval.
Which is what led me here this afternoon. I’m going to beg if I have to, no matter how much thatis going towound my already seriously bruised ego.
“Ava.”
Dr Keller’s voice is surprised when he opens the door.
“Hi, Dr Keller. Sorry tojustturn up out of the blue.” I exhale hard, steeling myself to say the words. “I want to come back to therapy. Or at least, Hawkins wants me to, which means I have to if I want to keep my job.”
He leans against the doorframe, a smile playing on his lips. “I must confess, I wasn’t expecting to see you here again.”
“Ugh, please don’t gloat. I won’t quit again before our ten sessions are up.Just letme know when you can fit me in for the third session.”
“How about right now?”
“Now?” I ask in surprise. “Don’t you have… therapist stuff to be doing?”
He laughs. “Come on in.”
I follow him into his office, taken aback. He studies my face as we both sit down.God, I wish I could ignorejusthow pretty he is: the cut cheekbones, his glinting deep-brown eyes,the waythey make me feel weirdly seen.
“How have you been, Ava?”
“Well, thanks to you showing up at my job, you know pretty much everything that’s happened in my life since our last appointment.”
“What about your life outside of work?”
“A life outside work. That’s funny.”
“Well,thenlet’s discuss work. How are you handling the case you’re working on?”
“I guess you know how it’s going already.”
“I’m not interested in the case. I’m interested in how it’s making you feel. I can imagine that trying to get inside the mind of a murderer for a living can be mentally difficult.”
“I’ve been enjoying working on it, actually.I feel likeI have a purpose when my mind is deep inside a case.”
He pauses. “Hawkins told me you saw a man at the scene. A suspect.”
I uneasily shift in my seat. I certainly don’t want Dr Keller to know anything more about my encounter with… him. His name echoes in my head. Hyde.
“I saw the killer, yes. I gave a pursuit, but he got away.”
That’s the acceptable, sanitized version of the storyatleast.
“How do you know it was the killer?”
“He spoke to me before he escaped. He heavily implied he was perp, at the very least.”
“What else did he say?”
“That was it.”
“You’re lying to me, Ava.” Jackson’s smooth voice is firm.
I glance up in surprise. My eyes meet his and it feels like his midnight black stare is going right through me. Like I’m completely transparent.
I shake my head. “No, I’m not—”
“A confrontation with a dangerous murderer could have numerous psychiatric consequences. PTSD. Anxiety. Paranoia. Every brush with darkness leaves its mark. If you don’t tell me the full truth,thenI can’t help you.”
“If I hypothetically spoke to him, it wouldn’t be any of your business.”
His voice softens. “I’m trying to help you, Ava.Don’tfight me on every little thing. When you’re in this room, we’re a team. I want you to trust me.”
This catches me off guard. The weirdest thing is that I do trust him. Not entirely, but more than I have any reason to do so.
I open my mouth to tell him this, but I can’t do it. I clear my throat.
“It’s… hard for me to say that I trust anyone. The adults I trusted in the foster system always ended up betraying meandthat’s tough to shake.”
It feels strangely exhilarating to be this honest with him. That surprises me. The look he gives me back isn’t one of judgement or pity. It’s just pure understanding.
He leans forward. “Sometimes language can’t cover what we feel. Sometimesit’seasier to speak with actions. Maybe you can’t say you trust me yet, but why don’t we find a way to express thatto each otherwithout saying the words?”
I mull this over for a moment. “In nature, animals expose their throats as a sign of trust. Like: I’ll show you myweakness,you can rip out my throat if you want to, but I trust you won’t.”
He grins at my gruesome analogy. Then he tilts his head up a fraction and brings two fingers tothe side ofhis throat.
Heat pools inside me as my eyes fix on the soft pulse of blood under his skin.
Slowly, I do the same. I inch my face up and slide the fingertips of my forefinger and middle finger over my pulse. I feel it beat under my skin, faster and fasterasI watchhim.
“No throats ripped out so far,” he quips.
“Not yet.”
I stifle a grin.He’smadehispoint, and I know quitting therapy isn’t an option anymore. I need to go along with this.
He lowers his hand. “Let me try a technique with you, Ava.”
I shrug. “Okay.”
“Roleplay.”
My stomach lurches at the word. Heat teases at my core, which I internally plead to go away.
“Buy a girl dinner first,” I mutter.I thinkthebadjoke will make it less awkward, but his expression twitches with a smile that makes my skin burn.
I begin to apologize, but he ignores me.
He rises, gesturing for me to do the same. He steps toward the table, flicking on a light and twisting it to face where I stand.
“Fantasy. It’s a helpful tool for unpacking your thoughts, feelings, and desires about a situation or a memory. You be yourself. I’ll be the killer.”
“And then what?”
“Then… we talk.”
“Are you serious?” I laugh in sheer surprise.I know Dr Keller isa littleunconventional, but this seemscertifiablycrazy.
“I’m going to countdown from five. Picture the encounter in your mind’seyes,as vividly asyou can. Then we’ll act out the scene.”
I shrug, unconvinced. “Fine.”
He leans over and presses a button on the open laptop on the desk. The light in front of us flashes. I blink hard in the glare, caught off guard.
“Five.”
I steady myself. I might as well go along with this. I try to picture my meeting with the killer, but I just feel like an idiot standing here in the middle of the office. “Am I supposed to be feeling something?”
He smiles, ignoring me. “Four. Feel the memory, Ava. Feel every inch of it.”
The light flashes again, leaving spots in my vision. I open my mouth to make another skeptical comment, but no words come. I can’t seem to look away from Jackson’s face.
“Three.”
My gaze is feeling heavy andlanguid. My body feels distant. The edges of my vision feel blurry.
“Two.”
What is happening to me?
“Shh, it’s okay.” His voice is smooth, deep, and soothing. SuddenlyIfeel vulnerable and exposed under his eyes.
“One.”
For a moment, there’s perfect stillness and blackness.
Dr Keller’s voice breaks the silence.
“Hello, Detective.”
I know he’sthe onespeaking, but a rush of fear slips down my spine at the words anyway.
I’m torn between the memory and Dr Keller’s stare. Those sharp blackeyes,holding me in suspended animation.
“Don’t move,” I say awkwardly. “Put your hands in the air.”
Keller shakes his head. “You’re not going to arrest me, Detective.”
“If you get any closer, I’ll shoot. I know you killed both the victims.”
“You can’t prove that.”
“You’re still here, watching the crime scene. You wanted me to see you. I can tell it’s you.”
“If you try to arrest me, I’ll hurt you.”
I pause. My throat feels tight.
“That was it,” I lie after a few seconds more. “It ended there.”
“But where did you want it to go? Keep talking, Ava.”
“Fine, okay… Um, how do you know my name? Who are you?”
“I know so much about you, more than you could know. Does that scare you?”
“Yes.”
“But it’s not just fear, is it?”
“No,” I breathe.
Suddenlyitreally feels like I’m back in that building opposite Hyde.I don’t know why, butthe memory is suddenly so vividin front of methat I’ve half-forgotten where I really am.
“How does it feel when I’m standing here in front of you with these hands that have killed?”
“I want to get closer,” I murmur. “I want to know you.”
I can feel it all again as if I’m back there. The heat in my body. The ache in my core begging to this time be fulfilled.
“What do you want to know?”
“I want to know why you did this. I want to know what drove you to this darkness.”
“Do you want me to touch you, Ava?”
I hear the words, but Ihave no ideaif they’re really from Dr Keller or just memories swirling in myownhead.
I can almost feel it, the masked killer’s hands gripping, pinching, squeezing at every inch of my body. The wound-up knot of pressure is so hot and tight in my core. My breath is fast and shallow, blood pounding through my veins.
I want it.
I’m not supposed to, but I want Hyde.
Snap.
What the fuck just happened?
I blink quickly. The room is suddenly back in focus.
Dr Keller is staring at me. There’s a strange, dark look on his face.
Humiliation floods me. Washetesting me, seeing ifI’mjust as fucked up ashesuspected? He got his answer.
I want to yell at him again, but I can’t even look him in the eye, and Hawkins will fire me on the spot if I quit mandatory therapy for the second time in a week.
“I—I have to go. Sorry, Dr Keller.”
I grab my bag, jumping to my feet. I nearly triptryingto get to the door.
“Ava, wait—”
“I’ll see you at the next appointment.”
My heart is still racing as I hurry down the sidewalk.
What is wrong with me? Why can I still feel the needy embers of lust for that masked killer between my legs? Why did I confess to my therapist just how badly I want the killer to touch me?
I need to undo this. I need to prove that whatever dark thing Dr Kellerjust uncovered is simply a blip or a misunderstanding. I can bea normalwoman who’s capable of desiring a man who isn’t the architect of the most fucked-up murders I’ve ever seen.
I’ve stayed perfectly calm through a hundred gruesome crime scenes, but my handsare shakingas I pull out my phone.
“Lily? Does your friend Mike still want to go out? Because I’m in.”