Chapter 23
Olivia sat on the couch across from Mark, trying to squelch the growing hope in her chest. Could this really be the man God had for her? Could he really be interested in marrying her? Her? Someone who had absolutely zero qualifications to be a pastor’s wife... They needed to talk about that.
"You're a pastor. You need a wife who is going to help you in the ministry. I have no qualifications and absolutely no skill in that area."
He leaned back a little, seeming to be confident now, his arm casually leaning on the armrest of the chair, his eyes always on her.
It was funny—that didn't make her nervous. It actually made her feel warm and... seen in a way that she hadn't felt seen in a long time.
"I think you're perfect."
That was it? That was all he was going to say? She hadn't quite figured out how to answer him when he continued.
"You're right, I would hope that my wife would be willing to help me in the ministry.
Being a pastor is really a family occupation.
Our kids would be involved in church, my wife would be involved in church.
It's not the kind of job where I go to work and no one else ever sees anything that I do.
It's the kind of job where I need my family with me.
People are going to be looking at me and my family, and judging us based on our actions.
I suppose you might want to think twice, whether or not you want to be involved in that.
Sometimes it's like living in a fishbowl.
People expect to be able to walk into your house," he waved around the living room, where she knew that people had been in and out all week as they stayed in the activity center.
"People knock on my door, all hours of the night.
Sometimes they need a bed, sometimes they just need food, sometimes they're having a domestic emergency.
They'll call me over—a couple who's having marital issues will call me to their house as they're throwing plates at each other and threatening to hurt each other. "
She shuddered. Unable to imagine such a thing. She had gotten mad at Cam more than once in their marriage, but throwing plates?
"You're kidding, right?" she finally said.
One corner of his mouth turned up. He shook his head. "No, unfortunately, I am not."
"Were you able to help?" she asked, thinking that maybe she wasn't as worldly as what she thought. After all, she'd never seen a domestic dispute where people were actually throwing things at each other. Yelling and screaming, and getting in their car and storming off, yes, but throwing stuff?
"No. Unfortunately, that couple divorced, and the wife had to get a restraining order against the husband... actually, the husband had to get a restraining order against the wife."
"The husband?" she asked, shocked again.
He nodded. "Do you see why I need to protect myself? That's why we had to have this talk."
She laughed. Able to tell by his tone that he was joking.
"I think it sounds like there are some really scary women in the world."
"There are. Sometimes I feel like the women are worse than the men, although I know that's mostly not true. Although... I do think toxic feminism has decimated a lot of homes. I know I could get in a lot of trouble for saying that, but it's true."
She nodded. She could understand what he was saying. Women had a tendency to take over and start bossing.
"I don't think that really applies to us, though," he said. And he wasn't asking a question, he was making a statement, like he was confident about her.
"Thanks." Her word was soft. He looked up, a bit of surprise in his eyes at her tone.
"You thought I would think that about you?"
She lifted a shoulder. "I guess you don't know me very well."
"I think I know you better than you think I do. I might have been talking to a few people about you. Not in a gossiping kind of way, but in a 'I like her a lot, and I'm trying to find out a little bit more about her before I approach her' kind of way."
"Okay."
"I guess we were talking about my job, and how if you were going to be with me... we're talking about marriage, right?"
She took a breath and nodded. That's what they were talking about.
The M word. It was funny—when she was younger and getting married to Cam, she didn't really give it much thought.
But after she was married, she realized exactly how trapped she was.
If someone made a bad mistake and married the wrong person, the Bible didn't really give them much of an out.
They pretty much had to make the best of it.
Modern teaching tickled people's ears and made it seem otherwise, but there was no Biblical out for someone in a marriage, other than adultery.
Jesus was very, very clear about that. And even in the case of adultery, Olivia wasn't entirely sure that God wouldn't want them to try to stay and make the best of it.
Marriage was indeed for life.
"Yes. We're talking about marriage. It's a lifetime commitment. Not one I take lightly."
"Me neither. And that's important."
She nodded. She didn't want someone who wasn't completely committed.
"I can't be a pastor and be divorced. Well, I suppose I can be divorced, but I can't remarry. Regardless, I don't want to have divorce be a part of my vocabulary. If we get married, I want us to do whatever we need to in order to make things work. Whatever we need."
"All right. I agree with that. I don't want to be divorced, and I don't believe in it, unless we're looking at adultery, and even then I'm not entirely sure that God wouldn't rather we forgive and try to work and keep the marriage and family together.
He talks a lot about that in the Old Testament, when he compares Israel to an adulterous woman.
He always wants her to come back to him. "
"Very good. I'm impressed with your biblical knowledge. I don't know why you think that you wouldn't be a perfect pastor's wife."
"I don't feel the slightest bit qualified."
"I'm pretty sure that is what makes you exceptionally qualified.
If you were confident that you could do it, if you thought you deserved that teaching position and thought that you had a lot to offer other people, I guess I would question it.
Not that I would say that you didn't—it's just..
. there's a lot of pride involved in that. "
"Yeah. I can see what you're saying, but I'm serious. I don't know the Bible that well, not like I think a pastor's wife should."
"Well, there is something that you're going to have to deal with. A lot of times people hold a pastor's wife to a higher standard than they hold anyone else."
She closed her mouth and leaned back, a little surprised. He was right. People did hold pastor's wives to a higher standard, and if she got married to Mark, she would be the pastor's wife!
People would hold her to a higher standard!
"Wow. That's just sunk in."
"Well, it's a good thing to think about.
Because once we're married, you can't get out of it.
And I can't change it. People are going to expect you to be super spiritual, they're gonna want you to be held to a higher standard than anyone else.
They're gonna want your kids to be more spiritual than anyone else's kids.
And anything that your kids do, that you do, that you wear, that you say, that you go—it's all going to be held under the microscope. "
"Wow. Okay. You're right. I do that myself, and now I see how wrong it was, but there's no changing it, and there's no way I'm gonna be able to get people to not do it to me. I guess in a way I deserve it."
He shook his head.
"No, I definitely wouldn't say you deserve it, but it's true."
"I've never noticed that you seem to resent or are affected in any way by the fact that people probably do hold you to a higher moral and religious standard than anyone else."
"I guess I just feel like I want to be held to that high standard.
I want people to be watching me. I want to know that there are people following me, that will help me stay strong and stay true.
I mean, I want to do right just because I love Jesus, but sometimes the flesh tempts you to do things that you shouldn't, and it's so helpful to me to know that there are people around me watching me, holding me to that high standard, and that if I fall, it's going to be really bad for me. "
"So you're not perfect?" she asked, tilting her head and narrowing her eyes a bit. It wasn't that she thought he was perfect, she just couldn't imagine him being tempted to do wrong.
"Not even close."
"You just seem so... I guess maybe not perfect but just really close."
"Well, don't get confused, because I'm not. I'm not perfect, and I know I'm never going to be, but hopefully every day, I'm a little more like Jesus than I was the day before. Isn't that the goal?"
"It is."
They sat there for a little bit, and she didn't know what he was thinking, but she was trying to figure out if there was anything else they needed to go over.
She knew that marrying him would mean he would want her in the church, leading Sunday school and ladies' groups and making meals and donating her time and efforts towards his ministry.
And... she was okay with that. She just needed to think about her children, and honestly, she thought it would be really good for them.
She had been a little bit concerned about them growing up on a military base and in a military family, because there were a lot of bad influences. This would be almost a one eighty.
"So where does that leave us?" he asked, and his question filled the warmth and coziness of the house. Demanding an answer, vibrating almost in an audible way.
Before she could say anything, his phone rang.
"I'm sorry, I forgot to turn it off. If you and I are having an important conversation, I don't want anything else to interfere with it."
"Go ahead and answer it. Maybe we just need to think about things for a little bit."
He looked at her like that really wasn't what he wanted her to say, and honestly, she'd rather get things settled.
But if she was going to be a pastor's wife, he wasn't going to be able to drop everything for her all the time.
And there were going to be times where he was going to get calls and he was going to have to leave her, or come back to her later.
That was just the nature of his job. She appreciated the fact that he was going to try to make time for her, though. Still.
"Go on. Answer it."