Chapter 19 #2
“Gunnar, I want to be you when I grow up.” It hadn’t even occurred to her that she could emotionally detach from the people who hurt her. They can choose to be in my life or not. It’s up to them.
After the three guys left, Jude and Finlay finished cleaning the kitchen. She put the ingredients away while he wiped the counters. “Your mom can come for breakfast. Keep up that tradition with her.”
“To be honest, I think she’ll be relieved to hear I have other plans.
She doesn’t really want to do anything. And I get it.
She has a demanding job. It’s not just the crazy hours.
It’s the ridiculous requests, too. A woman once called her at three in the morning because her feet were cold, and all her socks were wet from skiing.
Keep in mind, all the houses and condos have washers and dryers. ”
“And your dad? He’d rather party?”
“Right, but he only goes to the ones where he can make connections. People who’ll hire him to caddy or give golf lessons. Or to go on outrageous snowboarding trips.”
“Got it.” Jude smacked the faucet and snatched a dry dish towel off the counter. He pulled her in for a hug. “You deserve so much more than they gave you.”
“I think I’m just starting to see that.”
As he drove to the tree farm, Finlay exchanged text messages with her parents about Christmas plans while Cody dozed in his booster seat. Between the cloud cover, the black leather interior, and the Mustang’s low ceiling, the world was dark, cozy…intimate.
Contentment surged through him.
This is happiness.
Whatever he’d experienced before Finlay? That was not it. Being with her gave it a whole new definition.
Up until this moment, he’d never really fit into his skin. He couldn’t explain it. He’d just never belonged anywhere. Even in his family, he’d always felt like an outsider, like the black sheep. He’d just never felt truly himself. And that was why he’d been on the run.
He wasn’t chasing freedom—he was fleeing.
But with her, everything clicked into place. He was exactly where he needed to be.
When she finished, she set her phone in the cupholder. “I’m supposed to be on my honeymoon right now.”
She might as well have hit him with a shovel. He’d gotten so caught up in his own feelings that he’d lost sight of the fact she was still in the thick of a life crisis.
What had he been thinking? Of course she wasn’t ready to jump from a lifelong commitment into a new relationship in a week.
You’re playing house.
“Right about now, it’d be really hitting me.”
“What would?” he asked.
“All the stuff we were working toward—the wedding, buying the house—is over, so it’d just be us.
Alone. And, at this point, we’d realize we don’t have anything to talk about.
We probably wouldn’t be having…” She glanced behind her to make sure Cody couldn’t hear them over the roar of the engine.
With the red blanket clutched to his chest, his cheeks pink from the heat in the car, he watched out the window.
“Sex because we’re so exhausted from all the planning, and I wouldn’t care. I didn’t need it from him.”
“Ever?”
“Not really. I figured that was normal after being with the same person for two years. But what really hit me while I was texting my parents is that my marriage would be a continuation of the loneliness I grew up with. And it’d be so familiar, I wouldn’t have even noticed.
” She looked down at her hands. “Until you came along and showed me what I’ve been missing. ”
Happiness flared, filling his heart and rushing into his veins. “I need you to be very specific right now.”
“Oh, come on. You know—”
“No, I don’t.”
“I just… I think about you constantly. I want my hands on you all the time. When something pops into my mind, you’re the one I want to share it with.
For thirty years, I only took up one tiny corner of my life, and you’ve just opened all these rooms I didn’t know existed.
” She let out a laugh. “Don’t let this go to your head. ”
“It’s going straight to my cock. But go on.”
“Mister?” Cody called.
“I take that back,” he muttered. “Stop talking.” He eyed the boy in the rearview mirror. “Yeah?”
“When are we getting a tree?”
“You see that sign up ahead?” Jude pointed.
Cody peered between the seats. When he saw it, he nodded.
“That’s the farm. We’re here.”
Cody’s legs kicked out in anticipation, and he balled his blanket in his lap. “I want to get a really big one.”
Finlay turned to him. “Should we put white lights on it or colored ones?”
“Colored ones. I want red, green, and blue lights.”
“You got it.” She took in the woods around her. “Is this whole area the tree farm?”
“I don’t know much about it.” He’d just been a kid tromping through the snow with his family, arguing over which tree was better and taking turns with the saw. “When was the last time you were here?”
“Fifth grade, with Leia. That was my canon event.” She laughed as if it were a joke.
“We’d been friends for years, of course, but that trip crystallized my idea of a family.
Like, she and her brother were fighting in the back seat, her parents were talking quietly up front—in a way you just knew they liked each other.
That wasn’t something I was used to. We all got cups of hot apple cider, her dad carried the saw, and we sang along to the piped-in Christmas carols on the wagon ride.
The whole experience was right out of a movie. ”
“Well, here you are, living it yourself.” Nearing the turn, he slowed.
“Except it’s not real. This is a fake engagement, and I’m just the nanny.
” She reached for his arm. “I don’t mean it like that, so you don’t need to say anything.
I promise I’m not feeling sorry for myself.
I’m just saying I’m not living it. And that’s okay because, thanks to my marriage blowing up, I’m learning the difference between reality and fantasy.
And throwing out the map, living life on the fly?
It’s not so bad. In fact, it’s kind of exciting. ”
They passed under an arched ranch sign strung with twinkling lights.
The trees lining the road held giant ornaments, their limbs sagging under the weight.
The parking area wasn’t too crowded, which wasn’t a surprise since Christmas was only a few days away.
Pulling into a spot, he cut the engine and leaned across the console to kiss her on the mouth, relieved she wasn’t hung up on her ex and glad she’d thrown out the vision board.
Since I’m not on it.
She unbuckled her seat belt. “But that’s probably because I get to sleep naked with you, eat pancakes with hilarious and uncouth men, and make Christmas magic for a little boy who needs a home.”
As soon as Cody got out of his booster seat, Jude helped him out of the car.
The three of them held hands—the boy in the middle—and headed for the big white tent.
When Cody saw the penned reindeer, he broke away from them and bolted.
They quickly caught up with him as he watched other kids feeding the animals.
“Can I do that, too?” the boy asked.
“Yeah, of course.” Jude grabbed a cup of something called magic moss. “But it says you have to clean your hands first.” He lifted the boy to the dispenser and helped him rub the sanitizer all over. “There you go.” He offered him the little paper cup.
Cody knelt in the snow and held out the delicate moss for a reindeer. He glanced up at them with a big grin. “He likes it.”
“He does.” This moment was surreal. The reversal of roles from a kid to the grownup was wild.
“It’s easy, isn’t it?” she asked quietly so Cody couldn’t hear. “To put a child first. It comes naturally. I mean, you changed your whole life for a boy just because of a phone call.”
At first, he thought she was reading his mind. But then, he remembered what she’d said in the car. “You’re thinking about your parents?”
“Yeah. I’m seeing them from a whole different perspective now that I’m living with you and Cody.” She looked up at him like she needed confirmation.
He didn’t want to speak badly about them. She was figuring things out on her own. “They’re just built differently.”
“Yeah, I guess. It’s just so easy, though.
I can’t even imagine making my kids be quiet on Christmas morning so I could sleep in.
Or telling them I can’t be bothered to decorate a tree or make cookies.
I mean…” She set her hand on Cody’s head, and he glanced up at her with pure delight. “What’s more important than this?”
He wrapped an arm around her, drawing her close.
“Nothing, Fee. Nothing’s more important.
” At that moment, he wanted to make the magic for her.
Give her everything she ever wanted. Shower her with attention and gifts.
Anything to make her feel in her heart that she was worthy and loveable and the best person he knew.
A family joined them, holding cups of steaming hot chocolate and freshly made doughnuts. Cody jumped to his feet. “Can we get those?”
“Of course,” Finlay said. “Let’s go.”
It wasn’t too crowded in the tent, so they got in line for their snacks. She lifted Cody into her arms so he could see the choices.
“What can I get you?” the woman behind the table asked. “Cider or cocoa?”
“Is it good quality?” the boy asked.
The woman froze. Then she burst out laughing. “No, sir, it is not.” She reached under the table and held up a tub of powdered mixture. “My aunt buys it in bulk, and we offer it for free, so nope. It probably doesn’t even have real chocolate in it. The best I can offer is it’ll warm you up.”
“Sorry. He’s—” Jude began.
“I’m an offshando,” Cody said.
Since he’d heard the word so many damn times, Jude knew exactly what the boy was saying. “My dad calls himself an aficionado. But we need to warm up, so we’ll take three cocoas.”
“Got it.” The woman filled three cups and handed one to Cody. “Tell me what you think.”
The little boy took a sip. “It’s all right. But it’s not as good as my grandpa’s.”
The woman laughed and handed them a bag of doughnuts. “Have fun.”
Next, they headed for the table that held saws and twine. The rumble of an engine had him quickly knocking back his cocoa, dumping the cup into a garbage can, and grabbing the necessary equipment. “All right, let’s get on the wagon.”
“We get to ride that?” Cody watched in awe as the tractor came to a stop and the families got off the wagon it was towing.
“We sure do.” Finlay held her cup in her mittened hands. “It’ll take us out into the fields where we can pick our tree.”
As they waited their turn to board the hay-strewn wagon, Jude showed her a map stapled to a pole. “These are the different types of trees. Know which one you want?”
“I’m literally in hog heaven right now. I have my cocoa, a bag of warm doughnuts, and my two favorite guys. I’ll be happy with anything you guys want.”
“Douglas fir, it is.” He noticed Cody had finished his cocoa. “You want to toss the cup in that garbage can?”
Cody nodded and dashed off.
Finlay moved in beside him. “Is that what your family usually gets?”
“I’m sure we’ve switched it up over the years, but that was the one on your vision board.”
She gazed up at him with pure affection. “How do you remember that?”
“I remember everything.” He brushed the hair off her shoulder, eyeing the smooth column of her neck and remembering breathing in her soft, sweet scent just hours ago. “I don’t think you get how into you I was.”
“I’m starting to.”
It was their turn to board, so he called out to Cody. “Let’s go, buddy.”
Just as they started up the steps, a man shouted, “Jude McKenna? I thought they ran you out of town.”