Forty
Lexi nearly ran into her mom as she opened the door to leave, in a rush to get to Side Tap. It was after hours but Ethan had sent a cryptic text saying there were things they needed to discuss. She was feeling better since meeting with the girls yesterday but still hadn’t figured out what to do about Will. Should she call him? Text? Ask him on a date with the real her? As soon as she found out what Ethan needed, she was taking the first step. If he didn’t want her, she’d deal. But she wasn’t walking away. They weren’t over.
“Hey,” Lexi said, stepping aside so Gwen could get through the door. She’d started taking short walks around the neighborhood.
“Hi. You’re heading out?” Gwen took off her oversized plaid flannel. The beanie on her head made her look younger. So did the hope in her eyes.
“I’m heading to Side Tap. Ethan wants to go over some things.” She shut the door, giving her mom the attention she deserved. She hadn’t yet apologized to her and she felt like she should but she didn’t know what to say. Sorry I misjudged who you are, how hard it is to rebuild yourself after losing your husband, and for pushing you on my agenda instead of understanding your need to do it your way? Hmm. Yeah. That will all work. Say that.
“You worked at Dress Hut all day,” Gwen said, disapproval wrinkling her forehead.
“Yes, just helping to get a few things settled. Bitsy knows I’m done after Christmas. It’s okay, Mom. I can do it. The money is really helping and I’m happy with Side Tap but it won’t last forever.”
“Speaking of money,” Gwen said, playing with one of her buttons. “I spoke to Gregory.”
Lexi zipped up her jacket. “Who?”
“Ethan’s dad. Mr. Reynolds.”
Lexi froze. “Oh.”
“Don’t look at me like that, Alexandria. He’s a contractor. I asked him for his opinion. I told you I might. He’s coming over this weekend.”
“I shouldn’t have pushed.”
Like she hadn’t spoken, her mother continued, as if she was saying it as much for herself as for Lexi. “I love this house. I always have. I know I need to put the past behind me to some extent but I’m not ready to get rid of it.”
“Mom.” Lexi stepped closer. “I never should have said that. We’ll figure it out. I promise.” Somehow. She understood not wanting to lose the connection to her past. They’d shared so many memories in this house.
“ I’ll figure it out, honey. You’re not my mom. I’m yours. He’s going to tell me his thoughts on renovating the basement into a suite. We don’t use it much and I don’t need more space than we have upstairs.”
“That’s a great idea,” Lexi said, her voice catching.
“I agree. Now, I’m moving forward. Are you?”
She didn’t have time for this. She was worried Ethan was going to say Brady could handle things from now on. “Mom.”
“Don’t mom me, Alexandria. I told you all along I wasn’t broken, just sad.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the things I said and how I pushed.”
Gwen took her shoulders, squeezed. “Stop being sorry. But know this: I wasn’t broken. Losing your dad gutted me but we’ve done okay, you and me, haven’t we? I know I could have done more. But we’ve survived, right?”
Lexi nodded.
“I’m coming back, sweetie. But what would actually break me, tear me right in two, is if my beautiful daughter gave up on love because I scared her into thinking it’s not worth the bumps and bruises.”
“Mom.” She didn’t know what she wanted to say—which was good, since her throat had gone impossibly tight.
“You can’t predict the future. It’d be boring if you could. You take the moment you’re in and make the most of it, honey. If it doesn’t work out or something happens, you fall down, let yourself hurt, and then get back up. Will loves you. And you love him. That won’t stop because you’re too scared or stubborn to be with him. You’ll just come to your senses years from now and realize you wasted all that time. You can’t change the past but you can regret it. I hate that your father is gone but I don’t regret one minute of loving him.”
Lexi pulled her mom into a tight hug, breathing her in and out and letting the pieces of her mending heart settle into place. They didn’t all go back where they started but they were there. Ready to stop running.
Lexi hurried into Side Tap, so many emotions rolling around inside her it was a wonder the momentum of them didn’t bowl her over.
Ethan stood at the doorway when she stepped inside. Strange. Cue nerves. She was losing this job. She loved this job.
“Hey,” he said, locking the door behind her.
“Hi,” Lexi said, drawing out the word.
“I’ll be in my office. Put him out of his misery, Lexi. He’s a fucking grump without you. I know part of it was a misunderstanding but know this—he loves you. I adore you. His family, most of them, adore you. One piece of it might not have been true, but the rest of it, the friendships, the job, you and Will? That’s as real as it gets. You’re doing a great job for me because you’re smart as hell. Don’t be stupid about this.”
With that, he leaned down, kissed her cheek, and gave her a little nudge toward the back of the space. The area she’d first had appetizers with Will was lit with more candles than she could count. She didn’t see Will but it was as if she could sense him.
Still, even knowing in her heart that he was there, when he stood from one of the high-back chairs, then turned and met her gaze, Lexi couldn’t move. It was as if the brick of ice in her chest melted just from the sight of him. The pieces of her jumbled heart rearranged as he came closer, finding their proper spots. She felt like she could finally breathe.
He came down the stairs. Dressed in jeans and a sweater, his hair styled messily, which she loved, his gaze steady. Sure.
“I wore braces until I was sixteen. The first time I kissed a girl, her lip got caught in them and cut her bad enough she bled for what seemed like hours but was probably only minutes.”
Lexi stared. Of all the things she’d thought of them saying to each other over the last week, that statement wasn’t even in the running. She didn’t know how to respond.
He walked closer. “I used to have nightmares as a kid. The only thing that made me feel better was this little weird-looking stuffed animal. I don’t even know if it was an animal. It was more like an oddly shaped pillow with a face.”
Lexi’s brows bunched. Will came closer.
“My high school girlfriend dumped me because I couldn’t do a chin-up.”
Lexi felt like she had to say something. “Okay.”
He stopped in front of her. “I still can’t. I still have that stuffed animal thing. I still get nervous when I have to speak in front of others. I hate the country club but really like their Monte Cristo sandwiches so I go when my mother asks because at least I can have that. I failed my first math class in college and fell in love with a girl in my second year who only wanted to date me for my money. I give Kyra a hard time for beating me at word games and making me watch cheesy romance movies but the truth is, I love watching them and I suck at word games.”
A nervous laugh bubbled out of her. “What are you doing?”
He was so close their fronts brushed when she took a deep breath. “I’m telling you about all the versions of me. They aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect. I know you’re not either but you’re perfect for me and no matter what happens between us, I need you to know I really do love you. I didn’t get caught up in something and run with it. I saw you on that patio and it was like the sun came out after years of hiding.”
She sucked in a breath and they moved at the same time. He kissed her or she kissed him, she wasn’t sure, but they wrapped themselves around each other like they’d been apart for months. Lexi didn’t know how long they stood there, his lips moving over her face, down her neck, her hands running through his hair, over his solid shoulders and chest, but it felt like not long enough when he pulled back.
“I fucking miss you.” He dropped his forehead to hers.
“I miss you too. So much. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ran away. Sorry I got scared. I’m terrified of losing you and I promised myself I’d never let myself feel that way.”
“I didn’t realize it was a choice,” he said, his voice husky.
“Turns out, it’s not. The choice is love you and be scared or love you and be alone and miserable.”
“You love me?”
She nodded, her heart getting too big for her chest again, like it was reaching out to connect with its other half.
“You said you didn’t,” he whispered, and the hurt in his gaze undid her.
“I lied.”
He laughed. “Say it.”
“I love you. I love you so much even though I’m scared one day you’ll leave me, either because I’m exhausting or because of something you can’t control, and then I’ll never be okay again.”
“If something happens, you won’t be the same. But eventually, you’ll be okay.”
She nodded. “I’m figuring that out. But I’m not okay walking away from this just to protect myself from possibly getting hurt. I love you. I’m sorry I said I didn’t. It’s all been real for me, too. Everything except the engagement and then I was standing there in my mother’s dress, a symbol of her past, and you offered me this future and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I couldn’t wrap my head around having it or losing it. So I ran.”
“I don’t know where this will go but I can tell you I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you. I want a life with you. I want to be your husband. I’ve never wanted that before. To be tied to someone in just that way, with that label. I want to live my life loving you, picking you up when the unexpected knocks you down, leaning on you when life does the same to me. I want to stand by your side whether you’re a waitress, a roulette dealer, or an operations manager.”
She laughed, swiping at her tears. “A roulette dealer?”
“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter what you do. It just matters that I get to be with you when you do it. Tell me you want the same.”
“I do.” She’d already admitted it to herself.
“It’s good you’re practicing those words,” he said with a sexy smirk. He stepped away, put his hand in his pocket, and pulled out the ring she’d given back.
“I’d already fallen for you by the time I slipped this on your finger. We didn’t intend to really get married at that time but I was almost positive I was in love with you then. Now I’m one hundred percent sure. This is what love is. It isn’t perfect but it’s exactly what I want and need. You. You’re everything I want and need exactly as you are, whoever you become along the way. I love you, Alexandria Danby.” He sank to one knee. “Will you be my wife? For real? Will you marry me in a real ceremony in front of our friends and family? Will you be mine forever or as much of forever as we can get?”
She couldn’t stop the tears as she sank down to the floor with him, nodding as he slipped the ring on her finger.
“Yes,” she whispered. “I’ll marry you. I love you, Will. So much.”
“For real?”
She laughed, pushed his shoulder, and threw her arms around him.
“I can get you a different ring.”
“Not a chance. I love this one.”
“Don’t you even want to know if it’s real?” He squeezed her tighter and stood up, taking her with him.
Lexi pulled back just enough to see him. “You’re real. What we have is real.”
“It is,” he whispered, his hands framing her face. He kissed her slowly, like he was relearning every piece of her and had all the time in the world.
No one really knew how much time they’d get. Lexi used that as a reason to run. What she should have done was use it as a reason to dig her heels in, grab on tight, and never let go. She couldn’t change the past but she could learn from it.
“Have you two made up yet?” Ethan yelled from somewhere in the bar.
Lexi and Will laughed. He picked her up and swung her around. “We’re all good, man. Come on out.”
Ethan came out of the office grinning. “How good we talking?”
Lexi held out her hand. “We’re engaged. For real.”
Clapping his friend on the back, Ethan kissed Lexi’s cheek. “Congratulations. For the record, I already threw your engagement party.”
“We don’t need another,” Will said, holding Lexi tightly to his front.
She rested her head on his chest. “Next time I wear a wedding dress, it’ll be to marry you.”
Will pressed a kiss to her head. “I can’t wait.”