41. Capri
41
CAPRI
Collie:
Where are you? I thought you were coming to family breakfast?
Capri:
Not today. Heading back to Paloma to meet Jones. He texted asking if I could meet him. Said he has something to talk to me about.
Collie:
Ooooo. Juicy! Is the candy man gonna drop the L word on you?
Capri:
No clue but I’m ready to tell him, Cols. I almost did the other night but I chickened out. Today is the day.
Collie:
Go get him, tiger. I’ll save ya some brie.
Paloma is jam-packed with visitors today.
I think, trying to remember if it’s a holiday, but nothing comes to mind. A crowd of visitors are parked outside the front entrance doors, little kids in uniforms selling cookies with big smiles on their faces.
Families line up, patiently waiting to support them.
Entering the building, my eyes search for Tracy, the woman at the front desk I’ve come to know the past few weeks. I’m greeted with a big smile before she directs me to my man. “Mr. Archer should be outside on the patio, Ms. Meadows.”
“Thank you so much, Tracy.”
When Jones texted me last night saying he wanted to talk and to meet him at Paloma, I slightly panicked. He leaves to go back to Italy in a week, and we haven’t so much as talked about what’s next for us.
I know things have been a little out of sorts with his mom lately, so I figured it had a lot to do with that.
But I won’t lie and say my heart isn’t hurting. I feel like I’m on the edge of heartbreak.
That’s why I need to tell him how I feel. I can’t go another second without him knowing how much I love him.
Hopefully, the reason he asked to meet me is because he wants to do the same.
I make my way around the hall, heading toward the double doors leading to the patio that’s shared with the garden. The same garden Dolly has now planted every type of vegetable in.
I enter the patio and take in the vibes around me. Concrete pavers are lined diagonally across the entire space, a stone waterfall takes up the center with lush green palmettos, and hydrangeas are planted along the perimeter.
It’s tranquil. Pairs of tables litter the small space, opening up to a vast field behind them.
Looking past the few women seated at a small table playing bingo, my eyes search for Jones.
I filter through the faces, finding my man just across the way.
But he’s not alone.
What the…No, that can’t be…
My heart sinks, and my breathing falters. Nothing could have prepared me for the gut punch I feel right now. The way my heart physically feels like it’s being ripped from my chest and stomped on. Broken and torn in two.
How…? How is it possible?
She’s a nurse, but I thought at the hospital, not here. Not sitting with the man I love, laughing and flirting like she fits perfectly across from him.
Vivian. My ex-best friend and the woman partially responsible for ruining my marriage.
My heart picks up speed and I sense the panic set in. The urge to retaliate or flee. Puke, even. My mind blurs and all I see is my best friend in the bed I shared with Drew, him fucking her from behind. Now, my sights are set on the woman working hard to take what’s mine again.
How do they know each other? Why is he talking to her?
If I didn’t know her, I’d think nothing of her encounter with Jones. It would seem purely innocent. But that’s not the case here.
I know what kind of toxicity lives inside of her. She’s pretty on the outside, but the inside is hauntingly conniving.
So that has me questioning why they look so casual and comfortable together. She’s smiling like she knows him.
Does she know him, and I’ve just been blind to it all this time? I’ve never even seen her here.
Is this what he’s been doing with his free time while I’m at work? Visiting his mom and Vivian?
My head swivels, searching for an exit door, but I can’t make anything out clearly enough. I need to get out of here.
My eyes may be hazed, but my attention to detail is sharp. A giggle breaks through the fog, my sad eyes finding Vivian with her hand now on him. The worst part is, he makes no effort to move it, and suddenly, I want to scream. I want to claw her eyes out, to run and never look back.
Let my traumatized vocal cords do the talking for me.
I knew falling for him was a mistake. I knew it.
This is why I should have listened to my gut and not let myself open back up to him. Whether he’s been with her or not, these are the feelings I wanted to avoid.
I made an exception for Jones, and I’m now regretting it. I shouldn’t feel this way over someone I claim to love, right?
Because if he didn’t hurt me now, he would eventually, right?
They all do. Drew did, and I was oblivious to it for five years.
All it’s gonna take is another woman to come along and take him from me. I’ll be nothing but a domestic housewife again.
Back at square one—folding his laundry and making his lunches.
Fuck. I can’t make that mistake again.
I struggle to calm myself down, my stomach in knots and my mind telling me all the things I never wanted to believe. I’ve been naive.
I feel the moment Jones notices me, but I don’t react.
I spin slightly, my steps faltering, and look for something to save me. Something to get me out of this and transport me to a place where I can be pain-free.
Why am I always the one who gets hurt in the end? The one no one chooses.
Maybe this is my chance to finally speak up? To finally put Vivian in her place and tell her to back off.
At this point, my body reacts on its own as blind agony and gut-churning pain steers me. I stalk to the table where Vivian’s eyes are now wild and filled with panic. Jones looks confused—concerned, maybe.
Without sparing Vivian a glance, I reach the table and turn toward Jones, tears fighting to expose my pain in front of the woman who once betrayed my trust. “Capri. Hey—” He attempts to speak, but I stop him.
“I can’t do this anymore…” My voice quakes, the hurt I feel doing a terrible job at hiding it. The sad part is, I know Jones probably has no idea where this is coming from.
If the torment on his face tells me anything, it’s that I’m right. This is a thing I need to fix within myself, and unfortunately, the man I love is going to be hurt because of it.
I quickly turn, refusing to engage any further, and run.
I run so damn fast, Tracy calls for me as I exit, almost trampling the line of people outside the door.
I need to get out of here. I run to my car, knowing at least in there I won’t be bothered and the scene I just caused can be avoided.
I take a seat in the driver’s seat and scream. I scream at the top of my lungs, releasing all the pain and shitty life choices I’ve made. The pain I likely brought on myself but is triggered by the woman I wish would just go away.
Leave me the fuck alone and stay out of my life.
A gargled sob leaves my lips as I choke down the torment I feel. My hands claw at my neck as I reach to unclasp the bell necklace I’ve cherished like a lifeline.
It was irresponsible of me to think I could be in another relationship so soon after my failed marriage.
I’m spiraling.
I’m about to put my keys into the ignition when the passenger door whips open, revealing Jones in all his glory.
But gone is the sweet man I’ve seen daily. The man in front of me is angry. He launches himself in the car and snatches the keys from my hand, shoving them into his pocket and pressing the lock to the doors.
“Jones. Just go. Please.”
I look everywhere but at him, wiping the mess I’ve made on my face, hoping he doesn’t see. “I’m not going anywhere until you explain what that was about.”
That’s the open door I needed.
I unleash, crying out to him, “Out of all people.” He jerks back like I physically hurt him, but I continue, “You said you had to talk to me, so I came to see you and found you talking to her .”
His brow furrows. “Her?”
Tears fill my eyes, and I hate that they’re because of her, once again. “Vivian.”
“The nurse? What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Capri?”
My body shakes as I fight to calm down. “Vivian is the woman Drew cheated on me with. My once-best friend.”
And back are the tears. Like the rush of a river, the sting of betrayal floods me at the notion of seeing that same woman with the man who has become my everything.
Tears, knowing I can never have this. Have him the way I could only ever dream of.
“Capri, I had no idea.” He’s pained by my reaction, reaching to comfort me.
I pull away and rest my head on the steering wheel, thinking through my next steps. Hot tears run down my face. “I know,” I sniffle. “But it doesn’t matter. I saw her hand on you and the two of you talking; nothing else mattered. I panicked, Jones.”
“We were just talking. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”
I hold up my hand, not sure my heart can handle hearing anymore right now, and I carefully place the necklace in Jones’ hands. “I can’t,” I say with a heavy sigh.
I feel immediate stillness wash over him, and I hate myself for what I see. His tired eyes drop to his lap, locked in on the gold bell necklace he gave me before I left Italy. The bell that signified so much more than my short trip.
It represented a new start. A new chapter. The promise of a prosperous life just like the shepherd boy.
At the time, I had no idea that my new beginning was with Jones.
He’s lost in thought, and I want so badly to comfort him, but I can’t.
“Why are you giving me this, Capri? And don’t tell me it’s because of her. You know what you saw was innocent.”
I know. I know that now that I’ve calmed myself down.
“Because seeing you with her only confirmed what I already knew deep down,” I exhale, pursing through deep breaths.
“And what’s that?” His head lifts, revealing the most tender and loving soul behind those pine-colored eyes. Eyes I know are about to look at me entirely differently.
“That I’m not ready. I thought I was, but I’m not. I should never have reacted like that just by seeing you with her. I’m ashamed.”
“What are you talking about?” he asks. “Don’t say that.” I can visibly see his heart breaking.
My arms fly open, pleading with Jones to just see me—to understand me. “Look at me, Jones. I’m a fucking mess. All it took was seeing you two together and I lost it. All of my worst fears came forward, reminding me why I’m not built for this. Built to be in a relationship right now.”
He reaches for my thigh and I fight to not lean into him, not letting him see the effect he still has on me. “Capri, Vivian is my mother’s nurse. Nothing more. She’s who I’ve been talking with about plans to better her care. I had no way of knowing who she was to you. I’m sorry for that, but it was out of my control.”
“And I love that for your mother and you. But it doesn’t matter for us,” I shake my head, sniffling through the tears. “It’s better I realize it sooner than later. I can’t jeopardize my heart again for a fling.”
It’s as if all the air in my tiny car evaporates. “A fling? Is that what you think this is?” He gestures between us.
I feel numb, like I’m fighting to stay alive at this point. “It’s what I have to tell myself. It’s what I have to believe to move on. I can’t hurt you later on because I’m too selfish to admit I have work to do on myself. Same goes for my own heartbreak. I won’t survive it a second time.”
As if my heart couldn’t shatter any more than it already has, Jones cries out in the most agonizing pain, “I’m not him!” His hand reaches for mine, forcing me to lock eyes with him. “Can’t you see that? I would never hurt you. I’ve proven that to you, yet you still doubt me. Love is about taking risks and chances. I want to be with someone who gives me the benefit of the doubt, not someone searching for the worst.”
“You’ll find her. I know it.” I’m detaching, and he feels it.
Jones shakes his head, clenching his fingers like it’ll relieve the pain coursing through his body. “I don’t want anyone else. What don’t you get? God, Capri, I’m fucking confused. Just last week, we were pleading with each other to never leave, and now this. It’s frustrating as hell and, frankly, exhausting.”
My voice croaks, the emotional journey of today overwhelming me. “What do you not understand, Jones? I’ll never be what you want. I’m doing us both a favor. I can’t give you what you need right now.”
“A favor? Is that what you think breaking my fucking heart is doing?”
I shake my head, refusing to let him see me cry. “Just go,” I cry out. “Please.”
“No. You’re too important to leave without a fight. So, listen to me clearly because I won’t repeat myself.” With tears I fought hard to keep tucked away streaming down my cheeks, I wait.
I listen.
His voice gets closer, making his pure intentions clear. “I love you. In fact, I’m so madly in love with you I don’t feel like myself half the time. The me I was before you, at least. But no part of me wants to be that man again, Capri. Not when I can love you.”
Those are the words my heart has quite literally yearned to hear.
A man who chooses me and loves me with a fever I can match.
But I can’t reciprocate that right now. Despite loving him, I’m not sure I’ll ever get there. To a place of full trust.
“You shouldn't have said that,” I whisper, my stomach dropping. “I can’t, Jones. I just can’t.”
“You can,” he pleads, the cracking in his voice begging me to hear him.
I shake my head. “No, you don’t understand. Today triggered something in me. Something I never want to feel again. I thought I dealt with the betrayal, but I was wrong. I let my guard down and it was a mistake.”
“Nothing about us is a mistake,” Jones whispers, and it sounds a lot like he’s starting not to believe it himself.
“That’s not what I mean,” I exclaim. “It was stupid of me to think I could just go to Italy and erase the hurt like it meant nothing. The last thing I expected to come from that trip was you.”
“You regret it?” The pain in his eyes feels like a reflection of myself.
“No, I don’t. Although I should.” I search for him, begging for eye contact. “But let’s face it, you leave next week, Jones. We knew this was coming.”
That causes a knee-jerk reaction. He didn’t like that. Understandably, but it doesn’t make it any less true.
“I’m beginning to think this has been entirely one-sided.” He shakes his head, and I feel the turn our conversation is taking. “I have sailed the entire Mediterranean, been alone for half of my life, met hundreds of beautiful women, and endured some tough shit, but none of those things have impacted me the way loving you has. But at what cost? I won’t force you to love me back, Capri. I won’t settle. And once again, I’m not him. I’m a goddamn man with morals and respect for you. I’m confident I’ve shown you that.”
“That’s not something you can claim to know until you’re in it, Jones. Until you’re living it. I’m talking about real-life struggles that tear people apart. That make marriages fail.”
I see the pain in his eyes. The misery rushing through him, caused by my spiral. “Do I need to spell it out for you, Capri? Stop putting him and I in the same category. I won’t fucking hurt you. What do I need to say or do to make you believe that?”
“At this point, this is entirely because of me. Not you.”
“Oh, don’t give me that shit. You’re so frustrating sometimes.” He tugs at his hair, gritting his teeth. “I give, and I give, and I give, only for you to turn around and do this. What more do you want from me?”
“Nothing! I want nothing, don’t you get it?” I yell, my heart shattering. “I can barely stand to see you with another woman like that. It hurts too fucking bad. And wanna know the worst part about seeing you with her?” He waits for me to tell him. “I knew in my heart it was innocent. I knew out of all the men I had fallen for, you’d be the last one to hurt me.”
“How is that a bad thing? It sounds a lot like you love me too!” His yelling matches mine, only heightening the emotions we’re feeling.
Our voices fill the space between us until they don’t; it’s nothing but the reality of right now. The silence says everything.
I shake my head. “We’re done, Jones. There’s nothing else to say.”
“None of this makes sense,” he says, convincing himself it’s true. “I refuse to believe that. How can you not see how great we are together?”
“It’s not that…”
“Then what is it?” Jones finds my hand again, only to regret it immediately.
“My husband abandoned me. How am I supposed to know you won’t abandon me like you did your mother?”
I suck in a sharp breath, my hand instantly covering my mouth in shock. “Oh, god. I didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t have said that,” I blurt out in a panic.
But Jones is despondent. He hasn’t moved an inch since the most hurtful words I’ve possibly ever said left my mouth, penetrating a heart so fucking pure.
What was I thinking? No. No. Fuck. I didn’t mean it.
“Jones, please. Let me explain,” I cry out, reaching out, only for him to jerk away.
His voice is calm. “What are we doing?” He shakes his head in disbelief, lifting his glassy eyes to mine. His stare is cold and steady. “Why are you with me if you think so poorly of me? To say something like that. This isn’t healthy, Capri. You wasted no time stabbing me with my biggest insecurity. That’s not what I want for myself or you. We deserve better than that. I want to be with someone who supports me, who encourages me, and believe it or not, sees the best in me. I thought that was you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I plead. “I didn’t mean it. I said it out of hurt. Please, Jones,” I cry.
He’ll forgive me, right? He has to forgive me. He has to .
“I know you did. But you’re right. It’s over. I’ve spent too many years on my own, searching for a love I never thought I’d find, to waste it all on someone who can’t tackle her problems with a steady head. I know you’ve been through a lot this past year, and I was fully prepared to be whatever you needed to feel better and loved again. But I’m not sure that’s what’s best for us now. You have a lot of hurt inside of you. It seems you’ve got some work to do on yourself.”
I sit speechless as Jones stands, drops my key onto the passenger seat, and closes the door behind him.