Chapter Thirteen #2
“I didn’t have a car or a license to drive if I did.
My education was how to incapacitate someone in record time.
One of the women in the pack taught me how to read.
I didn’t have any money. Frank stole what he had, as did the rest of the pack.
We didn’t need much cash. The forest was filled with food.
I didn’t know where I was going. I just had to get as far away as possible.
I was a man, yet Frank made me feel like the little boy who hoped for love.
I couldn’t let him find me and pull me back.
I spent weeks looking over my shoulder, sleeping under bridges and alleyways.
I dug through trash for food, stole fresh bread out of a store, and bathed in a stream.
I was not someone you would want to be around,” I growl.
“None of it was your fault.” She pushes my knees, and I allow her to crawl onto my lap. “Frank was the one who made you do those things.”
“He didn’t make me throw the punches. He didn’t make me enjoy it,” I hiss, and she cradles my face.
“Lawson, he built the world. He used you for his sick games. You were too young and too impressionable.” She presses her forehead to mine. “You had no choice.”
“I don’t believe that,” I whisper, moving my hands to her hips. “I should have found a way to leave much sooner than I did.”
“You finally got out. That took a lot of guts,” she says.
“Maybe,” I murmur.
“How did you find your brothers?”
“It took years. I had to work so I could sleep in a bed, even though the pack slept on the ground. Humans are distrustful, especially when they saw the shape I was in. So, I did the one thing I was good at: fighting. The fights I entered were not legal, but I didn’t care.
The men who ran them were bad guys. Several times, I stumbled into situations that weren’t good.
One of which I barely escaped with my life.
It was a group of shifters and humans who took pleasure in torturing and killing.
They didn’t care that humans saw us shift.
I knew it wasn’t right, but I needed the money.
The man wouldn’t pay and wasn’t going to let me leave. I fought my way out.”
“Did they hurt you?” She eases back, rubbing her thumbs over my cheeks.
“No more than usual. It didn't cause permanent damage.” I lift a shoulder. “Slowly, I built up the funds. I had no idea how to look for my family. I traveled and asked around. The last time I saw them was when I was a child. I knew they had changed. I didn’t know what they looked like or if they had changed their names. I spent years hoping I would stumble close to them. It wasn’t long before I thought it was pointless.
How did I find three men I hadn’t seen since I was seven?
I didn’t remember the names of the places I had traveled from back then.
The world was too big, and I was tired.”
“Hunter found you,” she guesses.
“He did. I should have known he would never stop looking. He could remember details I couldn’t.
When he started working for Heath, connections opened up that he took advantage of.
” I smile slightly. “Nothing could stop my big brother. I gave up, but he persisted. I was working at a bar, entering fights they held in the basement, breaking our laws and showing humans my animal. While I was beating the shit out of some guy, I caught a scent. It had been years since I smelled it. I froze, and I knew. I looked around and saw him. Hunter, but a man instead of the boy I remembered. Bane and Remy beside him. I ended up on the floor because my opponent took advantage of my distraction.” I chuckle.
“I didn’t care. My brothers stood over me.
Hunter knocked out the guy who hit me. It was the best day of my life. ”
“They would never stop looking for you.” She presses her hands to my chest.
“No. I did, though. I gave up. I’m glad they didn’t.
Fuck, the relief I felt. We spent most of our lives apart, but it was like a day hadn’t passed.
Our animals recognized family and rejoiced at being reunited.
It should have been weird. We were blood, yet we didn’t know each other.
Hunter demanded to know the details of my life, and I had to calm them down.
They wanted to find Frank and kill him. I just wanted it to be over.
I wanted to forget.” I tighten my fingers, reminding myself of where I am now.
“Most of my life, I fought to survive, after I ran, I fought to forget. When I came here with my brothers, I stopped fighting. All the rage and memories have had no outlet, and I struggled. In many ways, I still do. Hunter insists I talk about it, work through it, and it’s helped slightly.
My nights are filled with nightmares of my time with the pack.
It’s difficult to be around shifters who aren’t my brothers, and trust that they aren’t part of the pack. ”
“Is it hard to watch the fights?” she asks.
“Not in the way you would think,” I sigh. “My skin itches. I miss it. I have to hold myself back.”
“Are you afraid of what would happen if you fought again?”
“I didn’t like the person I was when I did, and I don’t want to kill someone who doesn’t deserve it.
I don’t want to go back there.” I lift my hand, tracing her fingers.
“I lost control in the club. The man asked for it, but it was hard to stop.
Having blood on my hands again felt natural. That's what scares me.”
“You lived through something traumatic. It'll take time to learn how to cope with the experience. How long ago did Hunter find you?”
“Four months.” Her eyes widen, her hand gripping mine.
“I wouldn’t have guessed,” she whispers.
“Like I said, it was easy to be comfortable around them.” The first week was odd, but it was spent reliving the past.
“I’m sorry you had to go through it,” she says softly, leaning forward.
I move my arms out of the way as her chest hits mine.
For a moment, I don’t know what to do with my limbs.
How long has it been since someone hugged me?
“It makes me want to hurt them.” I pull her closer, crossing my forearms behind her.
“It would be entertaining to see you try,” I grin, imagining our princess going off on them. “But I wouldn’t want you that close to them.” She rests her head on my shoulder, her face close to my neck.
“Did they look for you?” she asks.
“I don’t know. I moved around as much as I could.
When I fought, I didn’t use my real name, and there wasn’t a paper trail.
I didn’t hide, but I was cautious. If Hunter could find me, it’s possible Frank could too, but he hasn’t made contact.
” I loosen my arms and rub my palms over her back.
“There was another reason I needed to tell you.” I pause, and she tucks her arms to my sides, trusting me to hold her securely. “I’m looking for them.”
“Why?”
“I think I need to know. His reasons. His motivation. Maybe I just need to see him now, and put the past where it belongs.”
“What’s the real reason?” she asks, and I tense.
“I want to kill him,” I grit out. “For all the hell he put me through. For the lies he told.” I exhale harshly.
“For making me love him even a little.” I blink, despising the hint of tears.
Haven’s reaction to my demons will show me if she can accept everything I am. I hope she can live with my decision.
“When my father hit me for the first time, I wanted to hurt him,” she whispers, snuggling closer.
“As he continued to go deeper and deeper into his anger, my hate ate at my soul. I wished I could kill him. Time went on, and my hope that he would change died. I became angry, and I had dreams of picking up a knife and plunging it into his chest. I didn’t like the person I was becoming.
He will never change, so I decided to stop trying to gain his love.
I understand wanting revenge. I also know it won’t change what I went through or the bruises that took longer and longer to heal.
I hid my pain with a smile, pretending everything was alright.
” She kisses my neck. “If you need to find him and kill him to feel better, I will support you. He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness, and there is nothing he could say to justify his actions.
The abuse, the lies, and the fear he used to build his fucked up family will never go away.
Making you doubt your worth and love is what pisses me off the most. You deserve love and a family who will battle with you. I want to be that for you.”
I grip her shoulders, easing her back. “You promise?” I ask gruffly.
“Yes. You don’t scare me. It doesn’t matter how you had to survive, just that you did.”
I stare at her. “It’s hard to believe I deserve you.” I slide my hands down her arms to rest on her thighs.
“I’ll convince you.” She grins.
“I don’t doubt that.” I shake my head. “There might be trouble. Heath is helping us, and they have a lead on Frank.”
“That’s what Bane was talking about at supper,” she mumbles.
“Yes.” I squeeze her legs.
“I’m not worried. I have four mates to protect me.” She smiles.
“Say it again,” I growl, and she tilts her head. “You’ve accepted we are your mates.”
She lifts a shoulder. “I believe you are…my mate.”
“I don’t have a lot of experience with self-control.” I look down her body, and at my hands. “I was always encouraged to let my beast out. He's prowling inside, happy to be near you, but wants to be closer.” I look up. “I want to touch you.”
“I—okay.” She licks her lips.
“I want you to pick a word. Something that you would never usually say. I'll never ignore the word stop but we need something else. I don’t want to scare you, or go too far if you aren’t ready.
” Her scent becomes stronger. “I'll take cues from your body. I’ve never had someone so important in my life. I don’t want to fuck up your trust.”
“A word,” she murmurs, frowning. “Ballet. My father forced me to take classes. I hated it.”
“Alright, ballet.” I straighten and glide my hand over her head. “Would you mind having Remy in the room with us?”
“Oh.” Her heart beats faster. “I wouldn’t mind.” She gasps as I stand up, holding her in my arms. I walk to the bed and sit on the edge.
“He can step in if I lose control.” Remy opens the door and comes in. “Stand up.” She blinks and backs off my lap. “Turn around.” She doesn’t hesitate, and I look at Remy. I see the satisfaction in his expression. She complies beautifully.
“Gorgeous,” Remy hums, stepping close to her. He glides his knuckles down her cheek before moving back.
“You aren’t…”
“I’m going to watch,” Remy says.
He will enjoy seeing our mate come apart, but he knows his job is to control me if my animal tries to come out.
Hurting Haven would be something I could never come back from.