3. Lilah
LILAH
Blast the music until you can’t feel a fucking thing...
—Lilah’s Secret Thoughts
“ I t’s my parents’ house, Xander. No one is going to get to me here. Either go home or come inside and let my mother feed you.” I stand outside the front door, waiting for an answer I know I’m never getting but wishing for it anyway.
Xander has been with me for two and a half years. He’s a good bodyguard. Nice enough to be around and big enough that he deters most people just by looking at him. They don’t know he’d rather save a fly than squish one. They also don’t know he’s a better shot than most secret service agents are, which is just fine with me.
He also runs a team of men who look like silent assassins.
I don’t think they actually are, but they’re scary enough to look like they are.
“Now, Lilah,” he placates me. “You know I’m not leaving, and I already had breakfast, but thank your mom for me. I’ll be right here when you’re ready to leave.” With his big arms crossed over his chest, he waits for me to step through the front door before he walks back to the SUV, leaving me to follow the sound of laughter.
I’m not gonna lie. I’m half surprised Mom didn’t tackle me at the front door during my unsuccessful negotiation tactics.
As I stop at the edge of the kitchen and look at my family, I make a mental note to thank Noah for taking the brunt of the attention when we got here. My sister, Dillan, is sitting at the island picking at the strawberries Mom set out because she’s just that good and knows they’re my favorite. Asher tries to snag a berry from the bowl, and Mom smacks his hand. “Leave some for Lilah.”
He looks from Dillan to Mom and back again while he groans, “What the hell?”
I take a quick minute to soak it all in. The way Dad stands with Mom tucked into his side as she shoves a plate of food Noah’s way. The way Dillan looks at Noah like he hung the moon. He was always her favorite. The smell of freshly baked cinnamon raisin rolls covered in crushed walnuts from Sweet Temptations, and the way it mixes with the salty caramel coffee Mom and Dillan can’t go a day without.
It smells like love and warmth and safety.
It wraps around me like the warmest, softest blanket, comforting me in the way only home can.
Home .
I couldn’t wait to get out of here to go on my first tour, and after nearly a decade of what feels like non-stop touring, I’m not sure I ever want to leave again.
That simple thought has my shoulders relaxing and my ever-present anxiety taking a much-needed back seat as I make my way in and tuck myself under my father’s other arm. “Hi, Daddy.”
He drops a kiss on my head, and my siblings all mock me. “ Hi, Daddy .”
Whatever. They can all suck it.
I stick my tongue out at them and giggle as Mom hugs me like an anaconda trying to strangle its prey.
“Let her breathe, Nat. You just had her home last month for Christmas.” Dad’s hand wraps around Mom’s hip as he comes to my defense.
I swear I love my mom, but thank God for Dad or she’d smother us all.
“Fine.” She takes a step back and picks up her coffee mug as she looks at me. “Honey, you look tired.”
“Mom...” I whine. Yup. I’m home for ten minutes, and I’m already whining. So proud. “I wanted to sleep later, but you insisted on breakfast.”
Dillan leans back in her stool and stares at me. “You should try eating a muffin, Tink. Your ass is looking kinda small.”
“Oh my God... Really ?” I smile and reach for a bottle of water. “I’ve added extra cardio to my workout to drop a dress size.”
“Why?” Asher asks as he pushes a muffin my way. “Guys like ass, Tink.”
I shake my head. “Camera adds ten pounds, Ash.”
“Guys don’t need to like your sister’s ass,” Dad scolds them both.
“You look perfect.” Mom hands me a cup of hot tea. “Now tell us what’s going on. Noah said you guys are meeting with the label next week to reschedule the rest of the tour. Your father and I would like to be there.”
“Mom,” Noah stops her before I have the chance. “We’ve got this.”
But we both know there’s no stopping Natalie Ryan. “You both need extra security. I don’t care if your label provides it or if we have to. But you need it before you agree to go back out.”
“Mom...” he tries again, but this time the look she gives him stops him before he can say anything else. “They don’t give a shit about me. Lilah needs it more than I do.”
“Fucking traitor,” I croak, and he has the decency to cringe.
“It’s true.” Dillan holds her phone up and scrolls through multiple articles. “For every article I’ve seen that includes Noah since the tour was canceled, I’ve seen ten more that only mention you. It was your dressing room, Lilah.”
Dad wraps his big arm around my shoulders and squeezes, relaxing me in a way only he can. Brady Ryan may have retired from football nearly fifteen years ago, but he’s as strong as he’s ever been. When he started coaching the football team at our old high school, he used to do half the workouts with the guys. They still bust his balls about all the up-downs he made them do.
“Is that why we’re here? Is this some kind of security intervention?” I can’t help my defensive tone. “I’m sorry. I know you’re coming at this from a good place, but this week has been hell, and I just don’t think I have it in me to talk about all of it yet.”
The tears I refuse to cry burn the backs of my lids.
Three days ago, we walked into our biggest stop of the Captivating tour and were five feet from my dressing room when security rushed me out, only to find out fifteen minutes later that a bomb disguised as a gift had been delivered earlier that afternoon. Security found it during their sweep.
No one knows who the package came from or when.
They have no idea who sent it or why.
Just that if it had gone off, it could have killed hundreds or maybe thousands of people.
Thinking about it sends a chill down my spine and makes my stomach churn.
How many innocent people could have been hurt because someone was trying to get to me? I lift my tea with a shaking hand. “I know you mean well?—”
“Lilah, we don’t mean well,” Mom interrupts. “We’re terrified.”
“That call...” Dad starts with a gravelly voice, then clears his throat. “I hope to God you never have to get that kind of a call from your children. Nothing, and I mean nothing, has ever shaken me to my core the way that call did. Tink, you’ve got to understand, your mom and I get high-profile. We understand it in a way most people can’t. We’ve both been there. This entire family has lived it. But you’ve taken that to new heights we’ve never had to deal with, and we’re learning as we go here. These last few years have taken you away from us and given you to the world, and we don’t know how to protect you in this new rarefied air. But I’ll be damned if we don’t figure it out. For both of you.”
I look across the island to Noah. His head is tilted to the side like he’s trying to figure out a chord that just doesn’t sound right, and I know a split-second before he opens his mouth that he’s about to give in. “You’re right.” His dark blue eyes beg me to understand. “What do you think we need to do?”
I open my mouth to argue, but the pleading look on Dad’s face is enough to break me. He’s never scared. Never. He never loses his cool. He’s the calmest person I’ve ever seen under pressure. But this scared him. I lean further into his side and look around the room. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be selfish. I just hate having security around twenty-four seven. I love my life, but I miss my freedom. You’re right. I’m not sure what’s going to happen next, but until this all dies down, we need to be better prepared.”
“We’ll figure it out together,” Mom offers softly. “But so help me, if your label can’t guarantee your safety, you are not going back out on tour, even if it means I have to lock you both in your old bedrooms.”
“They can just shimmy out of the window like Asher’s girlfriend does.” Dillan pops a berry in her mouth and purses her lips toward Asher, challenging him to say she’s wrong.
“Again, it’s not like I’m the twenty-two-year-old still living at home with Mommy and Daddy.”
“Whatever.” She flips him off and slides her phone across the counter. “How about starting with self-defense classes? Uncle Coop is teaching a class at Crucible. He’s been bugging me to come.”
“That’s a great idea,” Mom chimes in, and I fight my knee-jerk reaction that I’d rather it be anywhere else but there. Especially after last night.
“He’s got one later today,” Dillan adds, and I bite down on my lower lip so hard, I’m surprised blood doesn’t trickle down my chin.
Crucible.
Killian St. James’s gym.
The one his father owns, where I have no doubt Killian trains. Daily.
Shit.
“Damn it. I’m meeting with my editor this afternoon. But you two should go,” Mom pushes. “I’ve already talked to Cooper about the security system at your new house.”
“We don’t have to,” I tell her, dying for an excuse to delay the inevitable. “I mean, we could wait for you.”
“Please...” Dillan mocks. “It will be way easier to check out the hot fighters training if you’re not there, Mom.”
Dad lifts a brow, and Noah smothers a laugh. “You going to learn how to keep attackers away or how to pick up a man, Dillan?”
She smiles my way. “Both.”
“Take Xander with you,” Dad warns, and my heart sinks. They didn’t push Xander on me like this last month when I was home, and I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it now.
There’s safety, then there’s suffocating.
“ T hanks for coming with me, Tink. I really wanted to do this, but I didn’t want to do it alone,” Dillan muses as Xander turns off Main Street, and a pang of guilt hits me hard. I’m a shitty sister. Noah and I have always been thick as thieves. It’s what happens when you spend nine months in a womb with someone. We’ve been inseparable our whole lives. We’re also a few years older than Dillan, so she’s always been just a little left behind. Even before we left for our first tour.
I think I need to take whatever time off I’m about to be handed and maybe fix the distance the past few years have cemented between us. “Why would you have to do it alone? None of your friends would have come with you?”
She shrugs and looks out the window as we pull into Crucible’s parking lot. “They’re working.”
Shit. The all too familiar gesture makes me think I’ve just hit a nerve.
“I should be thanking you. I think agreeing to do this got Mom off my back for now,” I admit and look at the familiar building in front of us.
Crucible.
This gym holds a ton of memories. The boys spent so much time here in high school, which meant I did too... Good memories. Memories of them sparring on the mats while I sat against the wall writing songs—and maybe trying to hide the fact that it was harder to write every single time Killian took his shirt off.
No sixteen-year-old boy was supposed to be that defined, and I wasn’t the only one who noticed. Every girl in school did. Even a few who had already graduated noticed because when you’re Killian St. James, of course the college girls are interested, even though you’re a lowly high schooler.
Fucker.
“Don’t kid yourself. Mom isn’t going to back off until she knows you and Noah are safe.” Dillan hops out of the SUV, and I try to ignore the butterflies taking flight in my stomach the closer I get to the gym doors.
When Xander’s door slams shut behind me, I nail him with a glare. “My uncle is teaching the class, and he’s a former Navy SEAL, Xander. I guarantee I’m safe in there.”
“Lilah—”
“Xander... Please. Just give me some room to breathe.” I drop my voice, so Dillan can’t hear me. “I’m literally begging you. I need some space, or I’m going to suffocate.”
He stares at me, unflinching, and I cringe.
“You really going to come inside?” I ask, pissed. This is ridiculous.
One eyebrow shoots up in answer, and I turn away and hurry to catch up with Dillan.
“Lurch coming in with us?” Dillan looks less than thrilled.
“Lurch? Who the hell is Lurch?”
“You know...” She yanks on the front door of Crucible and looks at me. “The big dude from The Addams Family . Lurch.”
When I don’t respond, she shakes her head in frustration. “Is he at least going to stay quiet and far away?”
I hear the question, but any answer I have gets stuck in my throat as I’m assaulted by memories of the last time I was here.
Hands on my face and fury in his eyes.
Like he had any right to be furious.
“Hey, girls.” Uncle Cooper interrupts my trip down memory lane before the wreckage can break me. “Your mom told me you were coming today.” He drops a kiss on the top of my head, then Dillan’s. “How long are you home, Lilah?”
“I’m not sure yet. I’ll find out next week.” I scan the giant room, completely blindsided by how much this place looks exactly the same, before my eyes stop on the cage. “Oh...”
Killian stands outside the cage like a gorgeous warrior god in his gym shorts and his hands wrapped. Sweat glistens on his enormously muscled bare chest, and my mouth waters.
Cooper looks behind him with a knowing smirk as Killian slips a white t-shirt on.
Shame . . .
“Don’t be intimidated by Killer, girls. He’s going to be helping us with class today.”
“What?” I snap, and Dillan giggles.
“I volunteer as tribute,” she murmurs, and Uncle Cooper ignores her.
“Is that your bodyguard, Lilah?” He looks less than impressed when I nod. “Is he any good?”
“Well, he wouldn’t stay outside,” Dillan answers for me.
“Good. He shouldn’t. You need someone good, Tink. I’ll check him out and let you know if he’s it.” Uncle Cooper left the SEALs forever ago and mainly manages money now. But we all know he does more than that. Elite stuff he’ll never admit. I’d sure hate to be the person who pisses him off.
I feel eyes on me. Bright green eyes that sear my skin and hurt my heart.
Damn him.
Refusing to acknowledge those eyes or the way I know they’re moving closer, I smile at Uncle Coop. “So, am I going to be able to kick someone’s ass after this class?”
“It’s self-defense, princess. You’re not learning to fight. You’re learning to defend yourself.” That voice. Grr...
I throw an elbow back into Killian’s stomach the way he taught me when we were ten, and I think my elbow may have just hit a brick wall. One that humors me with an oof , even though there’s no way I did any damage.
“Not bad, Lilah. Now go warm up while I have a quick chat with your bodyguard.” Uncle Coop points us to the thick black mats in the corner of the room.
Uncle Coop crosses the room, and Killian grunts, “Your bodyguard looks like he’d be quicker to chase a donut than stop a threat, princess.”
“Princess,” Dillan gasps. “Interesting.”
“Not interesting,” I correct her and level him with a glare. I seem to be handing them out left and right today. “Annoying is more like it.”
Killian’s lips curve into a wicked grin. “Just saying, Lilah...” He overly annunciates my name just to prove a big, fat, stupid point. “But that dude doesn’t look like he’d be any good at guarding your body.”
His smile is replaced by anger, and I want to throw my hands up in the air in defeat or frustration.
There was a time I wanted nothing more than for this man in front of me to be the man guarding my body. Now the thought pisses me off. “Guess it’s a good thing you don’t have to be concerned with who’s guarding my body then.”
Dillan whistles, and I take that as my cue to walk away.