19. Lilah
LILAH
When the world gets too noisy, focus on your own voice. It’s the only one that matters.
—Lilah’s Secret Thoughts
“ Y ou still think I’m one of those liars, princess?”
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to think anything at all when Killian stands next to me in low-slung, black-jersey pajama bottoms and absolutely nothing else. Why are his bare feet so damn sexy? And my God, by the time I drag my eyes up to the ink covering his golden skin, stretched around a bicep that looks chiseled from stone, I start to wonder if I’m the one lying... Lying to myself. Because trying to convince myself I don’t want him certainly feels wrong.
But then again... how much of us has always been a lie?
“Once upon a time, I would have believed anything you said...” I decide if we’re going to have this fight, I need to do it on even ground and stand up. Not that it puts me even close to being on even footing with the stupidly sexy giant. “But that was before you proved you lie as much as everyone else. The difference was how much I blindly trusted every word you said before you proved me wrong. I haven’t made that mistake since then. At least, I didn’t think I had. But I guess some lessons are harder to learn than others.”
My heart hurts, remembering the heart-wrenching pain.
“You ready to do this, princess?” he growls and reaches for me but changes his mind and crosses his arms over his chest instead.
Thank God. I don’t think I could handle this if he was touching me.
“I’ll never be ready to do this again , St. James. But we might as well get it over with. Everything about you hurts. Having you here... in my space... every day... So willing to do whatever it takes to keep me safe, when I’m pretty damn sure you’re a bigger threat than any stalker could ever be.” My body vibrates with hurt and anger and lust and love. “Fuck you for making me feel this way again.” I push at his chest, but he doesn’t budge, just absorbs the blow. “I swore I never would.” Another shove as the first tear falls, and I curse him again. “You broke me. After everything you said, to find you like that, with her .” I lift my hand again, but this time, Killian catches my wrist. “How could you do that to me?”
He plants my hand against his heart, thrumming steady and strong. A beat I’ll still feel in my sleep for weeks to come. “How could I ?”
“Yes... How could you?” I try so damn hard to stay strong when I feel every inch of the pain like it was yesterday, not ten years ago.
Killian’s shoulders tense, and he steps into my space without dropping my hand. “How could you , princess?”
The utter destruction in his voice stops me dead in my tracks, and my words get stuck in my throat. “What?”
“How. Could. You? You saw something that night and made a decision without ever talking to me. You didn’t trust me enough to question what you thought you saw.” He clenches his jaw so tightly, I’m shocked his teeth don’t crack. “I had just told you, you were it for me. That I was never gonna love anyone else. And you thought you saw something and left. You didn’t step in. You didn’t fight for me. For us. You just assumed I was a piece of shit and walked away.”
“Of course I did. I spent the first three years of high school watching you fuck around with every girl who wasn’t me. That wasn’t new. What was new was that you did it after everything you’d just said to me. How did you think I was going to react? I felt like I was in one of those air-hockey games on the boardwalk, getting bashed back and forth between both ends until you hit hard enough that I sunk into that stupid hole at the end of the table. One minute, we were friends. The next, you told me you loved me. And before the night was over, you were fucking Gia Petrillo. Did you think I wouldn’t find out?”
“I didn’t fuck her.” His green eyes blaze with a fire stronger than the sun. “She drugged me.”
“Bullshit—” The word is out of my mouth before I can truly register what he’s said. “What?”
He pulls my hand away from his heart and moves around me until he’s sitting on the piano bench, and I’m standing between his legs. Eye to eye. Then he takes both my hands in his. “I had two drinks and felt fucked up. Too fucked up. I was looking for you or Maverick. Then the night just got... foggy. I remembered feeling like I needed to sit down, or I was gonna fall down. Then nothing. The rest of the night is a blank.”
“I’m sorry... what ?” I stutter, trying to wrap my head around what he’s saying but failing. “If the night’s a blank, how do you know what happened?”
“Maverick. He helped fill in the pieces. He saw you leave in tears while he was hooking up with Gia’s friend. When he went to go after you, she stopped him and said it was probably because you saw me with Gia. Said she’d been bragging that she was going to bag me before the party. Mav knew there was no way that would happen and decided to figure out what the fuck was going on.”
The room spins around me, and I take a small step closer to him. “I’m so confused.”
“When he found me, I was blacked out, not moving, and Gia was on top of me trying to get my boxers down.”
“But your arms were around her. You were kissing her. Your pants were down.” I try to block the image out, but it was burned into my retinas a decade ago. “Her black panties were in the snow next to a condom wrapper.”
“Think about it, princess. Think about what that all looks like. But think about what was missing. Was I moving? Did you hear my voice? Did you see my face?” Pain and hurt and anger swirl together, straining against his voice.
And— Oh. My. God.
“Killian... Why—why didn’t you say anything? I screamed at you. I sobbed and hit you when you came to see me. Why didn’t you tell me?” My chest shakes with the force of my pained sob, like an injured animal begging to be put out of its pain. “I told you I hated you. Why did you let me?”
“Don’t even go there, Lilah. You won’t like the answer,” he warns, but I don’t heed the warning. I can’t.
“Bullshit. You don’t get to say that now. You can’t tell me all this—lay it all at my feet after ten fucking years and then tell me not to go there. Who else knew? Who else knew she hurt you? Jesus Christ, I’m going to kill her.”
Rage momentarily replaces hurt, and I see red.
“Easy, killer. By the end of the next day, Maverick, Jamie, and Noah knew... them and my parents.” He sighs. “I had a fight coming up, and I didn’t know what she’d given me. I needed to be tested.”
“Holy shit. She drugged you...” I whisper as it starts to sink in. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“I tried to, and you wouldn’t listen. It might not sound manly, but you hurt me too, Lilah. I spent the whole morning puking my brains out. Spent the afternoon in the hospital. Then went right to your house, and you didn’t believe me. I tried to tell you, and you wouldn’t listen.”
I think back to that night... to the way his skin looked pale, but I thought that was because he was ashamed of himself, and suddenly, I’m the one feeling shame.
“Then, that next day... you came to Crucible and threw your necklace at me. You told me you never wanted to see me again.” Killian lifts my chin, forcing me to look at him. “A few days later, you were gone, and you never looked back. I texted you after a few weeks, and you’d changed your number. I figured if it was that easy for you to believe I’d do that to you, we weren’t as real as I thought we were.”
He drops my face, links his arms around my waist, and pulls me closer. “But that’s the part I’m sorry about. That’s where immaturity came into play. I should have fought harder. I should have made you hear me. But I was a dumb kid, and it was such a fucked up situation. My mom wanted to press charges and lost her mind when I refused to. I didn’t want the world to know what happened. That would still be hanging over my head if it had come out.”
“Killian... Oh my God. You should hate me.” I wipe at my tears but can’t stop them. “I—I have no words. I—I... I don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry doesn’t feel like enough. You’re right. I should have known. I couldn’t understand how you could do that to me, but you never did. I’m the one who broke us.”
He pulls me in again, closing the last few inches between us and presses his face to my chest. “Immaturity broke us, Lilah. We were young and stupid and didn’t know how to handle this massive thing that had been building between us for years. But broken doesn’t mean destroyed. It doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. You can still fight for broken things.”
It’s my turn to lift his face in my hands, and the weight of the moment isn’t lost on me. “I was awful to you, Killian... for years.”
His thumbs brush the tears from my cheeks. “We weren’t ready yet. I think I always knew one day we would be. But we weren’t ready before.” He pulls me down onto his lap and presses his lips to my forehead. “This isn’t on you. The guys wanted to tell you right away, but I wouldn’t let them.”
“Why not?” I ask with guilt eating me whole.
“Because I was pissed too. If I had listened to them and let them say something, maybe we could have avoided all this shit, but I didn’t. This isn’t all on you.” He drags his lips down to my temple. “But what we do about it now... That’s up to you.”
My stomach tightens when he kisses away my tears.
“I’ve spent a lifetime loving you, Lilah. It was always going to be us. Even when you hated me, I loved you. Even when I thought I hated you, I loved you more.” His hand skims up my neck and grips the back of my head, and my entire body tightens with the anticipation of his next words. “I figured out a long time ago that I’d never stop loving you. I just needed you to be ready to hear it. Remember what I said... When I kissed you, it was going to be welcome home, I missed you . I fucking missed you so much, princess.”
“You remember?” I wrap my arms around his neck.
“Every fucking word.”
My heart nearly bursts with so much wasted time and pain. “I’ve never loved anyone but you. I never stopped. I should have?—”
Killian kisses me with all the emotion we’ve both been holding onto for all these years.
Love and hate and heartache warring with an unimaginable need and devastation.
His hands are everywhere. In my hair. On my arms. Dragging the straps of my nightgown down. Like a man possessed, he kisses me like I’m his oxygen. Like he needs me to breathe. Like I’m the only thing in the world that exists. Us. Here. Now.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur. “I’m so sorry.”
He bites my lip and tugs. “Shut up, princess. You love me, and that’s all that matters...” He sucks my stinging lip between his, and I moan. “Say it again.”
My smile is slow as it spreads against his lips, and I shimmy off his lap and reach out my hands. “I love you, Killian. I’ve loved you my entire life. Even when I hated you, I loved you.” I take his hands in mine and tug. “Now take me to bed.”
His sexy grin makes my thong wet and my body hot.
“No.”
“What—?” I don’t get to finish my thought before he picks me up and sits me on the piano, and a cacophony of keystrokes play a horrible chord beneath my ass while my question turns into a laugh. “You’re crazy.”
He drags his hands up my legs, under my nightgown, and tugs down my thong. “Crazy about you, princess. Now spread those legs and tell me your mine.”