Chapter Fourteen – Hawthorne
“It is a very big deal,” I tell the two people sitting across from my desk. Ezra stands near the door, the tattletale of the trio, while Royal and Abby look, to put it mildly, unperturbed. Like they did nothing wrong.
It isn’t a big deal, Abby tried to say when I ordered them to have a seat after listening to Ezra’s tale of events.
But it is. It is a big deal. It’s a huge deal. It’s literally the one rule we have, other than our rules for killing.
In a perfect world, these two never would have crossed that line. Or, if they did, they’d at least wear guilty faces. But here and now? Royal and Abby are anything but guilty, and that’s what irks me the most.
I’m losing control of my team. Maybe not Ezra, but at least Royal. I knew this whole thing would be a disaster; inviting Abby to be a part of the team, even on a trial basis, was a mistake. One big mistake after another.
“I’m sorry,” Abby says, still not sounding in the least bit sorry. “But I just don’t get why it matters. It isn’t like I’m some random girl on the street. I’m here. I know who you guys are and what you do. We’re adults, so why can’t we—”
“Fuck like rabbits?” I offer, and I don’t think anyone in the room expected me to say that, because I receive various responses.
Ezra blinks in what must be shock, while Royal sniggers. Abby, on the other hand, mutters, “I don’t think that’s what I’d call it. I mean, it was just the one time.”
“Was it? Will it always be just the once? Or will you two be unable to keep your hands off each other now that you’ve crossed that line? What kind of mistakes will you make because you’re too busy constantly thinking about the other person to be meticulous and careful?”
Royal frowns at me. “We have a cleaning crew for a reason.”
Abby’s brows furrow. “We have a cleaning crew?”
“There’s no we,” I quickly say, causing all three sets of eyes in the room to land on me. “I mean, there is a we, as in me, Royal, and Ezra, but after your outing, there isn’t a we that includes you, Abby.”
“Ouch” is all she says to that.
“Come on, Hawthorne,” Royal leaps to her defense, something very out of the normal for him to do. “That’s harsh. You’re making such a big deal about this, for no fucking reason.”
I will not kowtow to him. “I am only following the rules the Benefactor laid out for us all those years ago. Don’t like it? You don’t have to remain part of the team. You know what’ll happen.”
Abby, however, doesn’t know, and she leans forward on the chair she sits in and asks in hushed tones, “What’ll happen?” Her gray eyes actually sparkle; she really does find all of this interesting, doesn’t she?
Royal mutters, “Let’s just say this isn’t a team you can walk away from. Quitting ain’t really an option.”
“Oh.” She thinks longer on it. “Oh, I get it. You mean someone will kill you? Damn, that sucks. Who’ll do it, Ezra?”
I adjust my glasses. “The Benefactor… employs other people. Muscle, so to speak.”
Abby rolls her eyes and says, with quite an attitude, “That seems like such an overreaction to two consenting adults having some fun. Come on, Hawthorne. Relax. It isn’t a big deal.
You don’t have to report this to your Benefactor or whoever.
Just take a breath and let it go.” She demonstrates by inhaling slowly and then releasing that breath just as slowly.
But this is Abby we’re talking about, so she doesn’t end it there. After her demonstration, she cracks a grin and says, “Or maybe you just need some stress-relief, too. Bet you’re real tense between those shoulders… and other places.”
The look Royal gives her is halfway between jealous and incredulous. I, on the other hand, am firmly on the incredulous side. The balls on this one… they really are incredible.
I pinch the bridge of my nose to try to calm the impending migraine that threatens to take over. This is something we don’t need. With my other hand, I gesture for the three of them to leave my office as I say, “Just go.”
They go. Though my eyes are shut, I hear the door open and close, and I assume I’m alone until I hear Abby’s voice. Turns out, she’s the only one who didn’t hightail it out of here with their metaphorical tail tucked under their ass.
“Don’t be too upset with Royal,” she says, and I am sluggish in leaning back and opening my eyes.
She stands before my desk, having moved closer to me.
“If anyone’s going to take the brunt of…
whatever consequences there are, it should be me.
You guys are the team. I’m just a complication, as you like to say. ”
I do blame her, but the mere fact she’s willing to take the fall is commendable. I don’t know if it’s commendable enough to get her off the hook for actually doing it, but it’s something I can respect.
She turns somewhat and leans her backside on the edge of my desk as she stares off into space.
“It’s a miracle I lasted this long, anyway.
When I first started out, when I first made plans to copy D.D.K.
, I didn’t think it’d actually work. I thought for sure I’d get caught after the first one, then came number two and I swore up and down my luck had run out. ”
Abby sighs, and I can’t tell if she’s being wistful or not. “But no one ever came a-knocking, so I kept going. My point is, if this is as far as I make it, then that’s okay. Not everybody lives to a ripe old age, and I’m fine with that.”
Such a blithe way of thinking, it’s not what I’m expecting, so I sit there and stare at her for a few seconds before I say, “I doubt that’ll be necessary, but I’ll keep that in mind. I was only saying that because…”
Because that’s the rule. Because I follow the rules.
Following the rules got me to where I am today.
If it wasn’t for the Benefactor, I highly doubt I’d be here today, in a more general sense.
Much like Abby, I assumed I would spend the rest of my life in prison, or at least a long twenty-odd years.
I might not leave this house now, but I have in the past. These hands of mine are not clean.
I have done my part in cleaning up the filth that walks the streets.
Too late to make a difference in the life he took, but nevertheless I stopped him from continuing the cycle with another woman, another family.
Abby turns to face me, no longer leaning her backside against my desk.
“I get it.” Her voice is softer then, uncharacteristically so.
“I really don’t want to mess up what you guys have going.
I don’t. You might not believe me, but I really don’t.
I’m…” She wrinkles her nose. “I’ve been keeping to myself for so long, I don’t know, it’s just nice to have other people around, people I don’t have to worry about keeping secrets from. ”
I don’t know why, but suddenly I feel antsy. I stand and move around my desk, to the bookcase on the opposite side of the room. It’s not an overly large room, but the action does succeed in putting more space between us.
“I can understand that,” I say, staring hard at the spines of the books. Mostly nonfiction, though I do have a sprinkle of fiction here and there.
“What I don’t get, though, is that you guys don’t kill women, but you’d be okay with someone killing Royal or Ezra because they didn’t follow the rules. Explain that to me like I’m five.” Her soft tone is gone, replaced by her usual firm bluntness.
What could I say? That this whole thing isn’t perfect? That we are just humans, trying our best to navigate a system that was never designed for us to begin with? That even the Benefactor himself—or herself—isn’t perfect, either? Everything I could say, it’d fall flat.
I’ve come to care for Royal and Ezra. They’ve become my brothers. We are a family that was born in blood, from blood, and with each D.D.K. victim, we add to it. If something happened and I was forced to say goodbye to one of them, it wouldn’t be the same.
I hear her approach me from behind, but I don’t turn to look at her. I can’t. I fear what I’d see in those gray eyes of hers. My silence is my answer.
“Listen, the rule makes sense when you’re talking about people outside of this house, but inside of it?
I don’t think it matters at all. There are no secrets here, and it seems like you—or the Benefactor—has teams who do everything else.
As long as that doesn’t change, I don’t think having some fun every now and then can mess anything up. ”
Then she says something that startles me, something that informs me she is too perceptive for her own good: “Are you afraid that the Benefactor will want Royal’s head, or are you afraid that things’ll change even more than they already have?”
Something forces me to turn around, an invisible hand guiding my actions, and I meet those crisp, clear gray eyes of hers.
“Our routine,” I’m measured in saying, “has been undisturbed for years. You being where you were that night would be enough to throw anyone off their game, but… to get involved—I don’t know what that looks like or how it works. ”
“And that’s okay,” she tells me with a shrug. “You don’t always need the answers to every question.”
“It’s what I’m here for.”
Abby shrugs again. “And they’ll always need you. If you’re worried about me taking your place, it could never happen. You guys have a cool thing going here, and I don’t want to get in the way of that.”
She takes a step forward and lets her gaze fall as she sizes me up. “Still,” she says, “I think it’d be nice for everyone around here to get some stress relief that doesn’t involve killing, don’t you?”
Listening to her, it’s almost enough to convince me she’s not wrong, enough to make me say she’s one hundred and ten percent correct. But instead of saying anything of the sort, I say the lamest thing possible: “That’s what TV is for.”