43. Briar
43
brIAR
I sit by the window and stare up at the stars.
They twinkle like diamonds in the sky. I always admired how they look bigger and brighter on the island.
Just when I thought I finally found a home in this world, I was hit by a reality check.
Nothing is permanent. And that includes people. I thought Dimitri would be mine for the rest of my life, but he was just a phantom I created in my head. None of it was real.
The front door opens.
I hold my breath, sure that I imagined it. And then heavy footsteps make their way up the stairs. Any other night, I would have jumped with joy. I would have run into his arms and kissed him for hours. But tonight, hearing him approach my room fills me with dread.
I quickly hide the diary and roll over to my side.
When he opens the bedroom door, I pretend to be asleep.
Despite everything, he makes my heart race with excitement. He brings with him the scent of midnight and smoke, and I want nothing more than to curl up in it. He’s like a drug I can’t help craving even though I know he’s not good for me.
A stray tear rolls down my cheek.
The mattress shifts under me as he sits on the other side of the bed.
" Solnishko ," he says.
His voice is the same. It makes heat unfurl inside my belly, but at the same time, I’m repulsed by it.
I focus on keeping my breathing even. I don’t want to deal with him tonight. Not when I barely had the chance to deal with everything I just learned.
He reaches for me, gathering my hair and pushing it all behind my shoulder. I feel him moving closer.
The heat of his body makes every cell inside my body come to life. I crave it like an addict. My body doesn’t know right from wrong. All it knows is that he can make me feel good.
“Open your eyes, princess,” he says.
When I don’t budge, he moves me so I’m lying flat on my back. I feel him hovering over me, playing with the ends of my hair.
My nipples pebble into sharp points as his calloused hand cups the side of my neck. And then he leans down. I smell the vodka on his breath. He’s about to kiss me.
I open my eyes when his mouth is only an inch from mine.
Usually, when someone leans in for a kiss, they close their eyes. But Dimitri’s eyes are wide open, watching me.
And I know .
Just by that look in his eyes, I know that he found out about my midnight rendezvous.
A ball of fire forms inside me, growing and growing until it takes over all of me.
“ Fuck you ,” I say, pushing at his chest before rolling away.
I’m not stupid. I know I can’t fight him. Instead, I do the only thing I can do.
I run.
“Where do you think you’re going, solnishko ?” he calls out after me.
I race down the stairs, nearly tripping over the last few steps.
Whenever he visits, he leaves the front door open. I throw it open now and run from the guesthouse.
“Briar, we’re on an island,” he says. “There’s nowhere for you to go.”
“I’d rather drown in the fucking ocean than see your face again,” I say.
His security guards storm toward me. But when they glance back at Dimitri, they step away. He must have told them not to touch me.
I run as fast as my legs can carry me. The forest is dark and unwelcoming in the night, so I run down to the beach instead.
I know he’s going to catch me.
I know he’ll drag me back to the guesthouse and lock me in there.
But I won’t fucking make it easy for him.
The sand slows me down as I run. I don’t look back, but I know he’s gaining on me. My thighs are on fire now, but I force myself to keep pushing.
“You should know something about me, solnishko ,” he says. “I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth if that’s what it takes.”
The salty wind blows my hair to the side. The tide is higher now. A wave crashes into me, knocking me sideways.
Before I can fall, strong arms wrap around my middle. He holds me against his body until the tide recedes.
“I’m not losing you a second time, princess,” he says.
“Let go of me, Dimitri,” I say. “You already lost me.”
He lifts me off my feet and carries me away from the water.My nightgown is soaked and clinging to my skin. I can feel the hard contours of hisbody against mine. I’m tired. I’m tired of how much I still want him.
“Listen to what I have to say first.” He puts me back down on my feet.
“I’m not interested in listening to a single thing you have to say.”
“I let your sister go.”
“You did what?”
“I returned her to her fiancé.”
“When?”
“Right before I came to see you.”
“And what makes you think I’m going to believe you?”
“I have no reason to lie to you.”
“Are you kidding me?” I say. “Lying to me is all you ever did.”
“I had to keep some things from you because they had nothing to do with you,” he says.
“You kidnapped my sister and my nephew,” I say. “In what world does that have nothing to do with me?”
“I didn’t hurt her,” he says.
“It wasn’t the only thing you kept from me,” I say, looking into his eyes. I try my hardest to fight it, but tears surface anyway. I told myself I wouldn’t shed a tear for this asshole, but every tear that falls from my eyes has his name on it.
He looks pained.
“Princess—”
“I thought you were different,” I say, cutting him off. “Maybe I’m naive and inexperienced, but for a second there, I really thought you cared about me. But to you, I was just a body to warm your bed at night.”
“You’re so much more than that,” he says. He says something in Russian. I don’t understand the words, but I know it’s more false poetry.
“When were you going to tell me that I was carrying your child, Dimitri?” I ask.
“I didn’t plan on keeping that a secret,” he says. “You would have found out about it eventually.”
“Now you’re calling me stupid for not knowing?”
“Don’t put words in my mouth.”
“I should have listened to my gut,” I say. “When I woke up at the hospital, I took one look at you and knew that you were bad news. I knew I should have stayed away from you. Men like you are made for breaking hearts.”
“It was never my intention to hurt you,” he says, reaching for me.
“You remember all the times I compared you to my mother?” I say. “I didn’t really mean it then. I didn’t think anyone was capable of hurting me as much as she did. But you proved me wrong, Dimitri. You did a thousand times more damage to me than she ever did.”
He closes his eyes, suddenly looking like he aged ten years.
“You can say what you want about me,” he says. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why did you stay away from me, then?” I ask. “After we returned from Paris.”
He looks away.
I had a feeling in my gut that this man was pulling away from me. He was trying to detach himself from me. I didn’t want to see it then, but I see it for what it is now.
“You lost interest after we had sex,” I say. “That’s what it was, wasn’t it? That’s all you wanted from me.”
His dark eyes land on me. The intensity in them nearly sweeps me off my feet.
“I’ll never stop wanting you, solnishko ,” he says. “My obsession for you is deeper than the fucking ocean.”
“Stop,” I whisper. “Don’t feed me any more lies.”
“And for the record, I don’t just love you because I find your body desirable. I love you for the same reason the earth loves the sun. Life is nothing but darkness without your light.”
“ Stop !” I scream the word so loud that I can already feel my throat getting hoarse. “Stop talking about love like you know what that word even means. You’re just a heartless demon who took advantage of my innocence.”
He purses his lips. I see thunderstorms in his eyes.
He takes a step forward.
And on instinct, I shrink away from him. I make myself smaller, bracing myself for his wrath. This is what I’m used to. Repercussions, torment, control.
He freezes.
When I look up at him, I see that he finally understands now.
Some broken things just can’t ever be mended again.
The trust we formed is now gone, and what’s love without trust?
“I would never hurt you, princess,” he whispers.
“It’s too fucking late for that,” I say.“You already did.”
He steps toward me and scoops me into his arms. I don’t fight it. There’s no point in trying to. As he carries me toward the guesthouse, it gets harder and harder to breathe.
I try to fight it, but the tears come anyway.
“I want to go home,” I say. “I don’t want to be here any longer. I don’t want to see your face anymore.”
He glances down at me.
I see his Adam’s apple move as he swallows.
“It’s not safe,” he says. “Your mother is still out there. She’s still looking for you. And hell will freeze over before I let her take you away from me.”
There’s so much emotion in the depths of his eyes. When he talks about my mother, rage flashes in his eyes, making him look like the king of the underworld.
“I never doubted you when you said you’d protect me from my mother,” I say. “I just never imagined that a day would come when I’d despise someone more than her.”
A mask falls over his face, making it unreadable.
It always provoked him whenever I compared him to my mother. But right now, his face is stone.
He carries me into the guesthouse and lays me down on the bed.
Without another word, he leaves.
I stare at the closed door. My heart feels numb, but it won’t stop feeling things. I want to rip it out of my chest and put it aside just so I’ll stop feeling this way. Because even after everything he’s done, the traitorous organ in the center of my chest still wants him. It still craves his presence.
I sit up in bed and find the diary I hid.
I stare at the brown leather binding. This is it. Our love story.
My heart can’t seem tounderstand why it can’t have Dimitri. So I open the pages and plunge into the past.