49. Briar
49
brIAR
PRESENT DAY
I wake up in the middle of the night. My eyes don't feel so heavy anymore. I smell like sweat and medicine, but all I can think about are the strong arms holding me.
I twist in his arms and glance up at him.
He's asleep.
But even in his sleep, he's holding me like he's afraid to lose me.
I'm supposed to hate him with every fiber of my being, but I can't bring myself to hate him. Not even a little bit.
All I'm left with is an aching in my heart and the desire to run my fingers over his beard.
I look away before the backs of my eyes prickle.
There's a glass of water on the table. I reach for it, but his longer arm beats me to it. My breath hitches in my throat.
He brings the glass to my lips. I raise my eyes to meet his dark gaze as I sip the water. His eyes burn into mine before they travel down to my lips. They turn heated as he watches me drink.
"Good girl," he says, putting the glass away. He reaches for my face to wipe beads of water from the corner of my lips. "How do you feel now?"
"Better," I say. My throat is hoarse like I haven't used it in days. "How long has it been?"
"Almost two days," he says. "You kept going in and out of sleep."
"Oh."
I can't think about anything right now. All I can seem to focus on is the fact that his hand is cupping my cheek. His large thumb is still near my lips. He swipes it over my bottom lip.
Raw desire forms in my belly.
"I read the diary," I say, trying to distract myself from the heat gathering in my core.
"I know," he says.
"You read it, too?" I ask.
"I didn't have to, Briar," he says. "Every moment with you is etched into the deepest parts of my brain. They're the only memories I have worth holding on to."
Written on the pages were all the things I'd forgotten about him. All of the things we went through. All the things he told me—about his family, what happened to his sisters, and the childhood that shaped him into the man he is today.
It told me a lot about him.
I understand now why he has so much rage inside him. I understand why he does the things he does.
It's no excuse for his actions, but I understand it all better now.
“I talked to Olga that night,” I say. “She’s very fond of you.”
“And I’m fond of her,” he says.
“She told me about how you saved her life when you were a little boy. She said that you gave her something to live for."
“It was the right thing to do,” he says.
“Did you get angry with her when you found out I stole the duplicate key from her purse?” I ask him.
He shakes his head. “I can’t get angry with Olga. She’s been loyal to me for decades.”
“It’s more than loyalty. She loves you, Dimitri," I say.“She sees you as a son.”
He takes a deep breath but doesn’t say anything.
I search his eyes. I try to see through the lies and deceit. I try to see the man I keep falling in love with.
Even when my mind erased every memory of him, I still found myself drawn to him in ways I can't explain. My heart kept searching him out in the crowd for reasons I still can't comprehend.
"It's hard for you to admit that you love someone, isn't it?" I ask.
"It never felt hard with you," he says, holding me tighter.
"You deserve love, Dimitri," I say. "You deserve to be loved."
He's been forced to be tough from a very young age. As the eldest son of a Russian Pakhan, he had to take up his father's mantle.
He averts his gaze now, looking out at the view of the ocean. Silver moonlight glistens on the dark waters. He tries to keep his composure, but his eyes mist with tears anyway.
"Look at me." I sink my fingers into his unshaven beard.
"You don't mean what you just said," he says.
"I meant every word," I say.
"You were having muscle cramps last night, so the doctor prescribed some medication," he says. "You're under the influence of drugs right now, and I'm afraid you won't feel the same way about me when the drugs wear off.”
"Dimitri, I won't lie, what you did was horrible. Not telling me about the pregnancy and keeping my sister and nephew hostage were terrible things to do. I still don't know how I feel about that. But what I do know is that trying to stay away from you hurts like a bitch.”
“I feel the same way,” he says. “I thought I was strong enough to do it, but I’m not. Nothing makes sense without you.”
“Can I ask you something?” I say.
“Anything,” he replies.
“Why did you leave the first time?” I ask. “That’s the only thing about us that I don’t know. I didn’t have a chance to write about it.”
He lowers his gaze as he puts the words together in his head.
"I was scared, Briar," he says.
“Of?”
“I was so scared that something bad would happen to you, and it would all be my fault."
"If anyone can protect me from the world, it's you," I say. "But the opposite is true as well. If anyone can hurt me beyond repair, it's you."
"Briar, I never meant to—" His voice breaks.
And finally, the tears fall from his eyes.
He stands and walks away. I miss his proximity. I miss being in his aura. I always knew I was addicted to this man, but I never imagined the addiction would grow with every day that passed.
I stand and walk toward him.
He has his back to me now.
I don't think. For once, I indulge the whimsy of my heart. I wrap my arms around his torso and rest my cheek against his muscular back. I breathe in the scent of him. It's dangerous and captivating, and I can't get enough of it.
"I know," I say. "I know you didn't mean any of it. But I need to know what's going through your head. You can't just internalize everything and jump to conclusions without asking me how I feel. If we're going to make this work, we need to be in it together. Okay?"
He turns to face me. He takes both of my hands in his.
"I apologize for my actions,” he says. "I thought you would be better off without me, but I don't want to live another day without seeing you, Briar. You're the love of my life. You make me want things I never even let myself dream about. A family, a home, a future. I want all of it with you."
"I want that too," I say, swallowing.
"I promise to spend the rest of my life proving to you that I’m a man worthy of your love."
"You already are a man worthy of my love," I say.
He cups my face with his hands. His dark eyes show me everything that's inside him. The sheer terror. The little boy who believes he doesn't deserve to have good things. The man who somehow convinced himself that he brings bad luck to the people in his life.
And even though I'm still hurt by what he did, all I know in this moment is that I want him to feel better.
I need him to feel better.
I want to kiss him, but I feel filthy. I need to take a shower and wash the sweat from my body.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a diamond ring.
I suck in a breath.
I wrote pages and pages about the proposal in my diary.
“I’ve been carrying this around in my pocket since the night we parted ways,” he says. "I've been waiting for the moment when I can put it back on your finger, where it belongs."
I extend my hand toward him. He slips the ring on my finger. It's a perfect fit.
The weight of it feels good on my finger.
He kisses my hand, then tugs me closer. I know he's about to kiss me, so I pull away.
"I need a few minutes," I say, stepping away from him.
He's reluctant to let me go but he nods. I head to the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror. As I imagined, I look like a hot mess. My hair hasn't been washed in days so it's greasy near the scalp. I've been blushing like a fool, so there are splotches of red all over my face and chest. And every inch of my skin is sticky.
I take my clothes off and throw them in the laundry hamper.
There are signs of him all over my body. Fading love bites over my neck and chest. The memory of his hands gripping my hips as he thrust inside me.
My nipples pucker as the fire spreads inside me.
I pick up my toothbrush and brush my teeth.
And then I head to the shower. I let the warm water flow down my body. My entire body thrums with energy now. I'm alive with pure need. My skin is extra sensitive as I rub soap over it. The luxurious waterfall showerhead transports me to a more blissful state of mind.
I almost don't hear the sound of the bathroom door opening.
Before I can open my eyes, strong arms wrap around my waist.
"I couldn't stay away," he growls in my ear.
"Dimitri, what are you doing here?" I ask. My heart bangs hard in my chest, electrified by this man's presence.
His hands move up my waist, cupping my breasts in his hands. He lifts them up, growling in approval when I arch my back to rub my bare ass against him.
"I was going to wait until you were ready, but you tempt me too much, little girl," he says. "You make me feel like I would die if I didn't have a taste of this sweet little body."
He reaches between my thighs and cups me possessively. He massages me there, making me gasp as desire hits me like a bolt of lightning.
"Quiet, princess," he says, biting down on my neck. "Nobody will have to find out if you remain quiet and let me do what I came here to do."
"What are you going to do to me?" I ask.
"Whatever I want," he says, massaging my pussy. "But first we need to get this pussy warmed up so you'll be able to take it. Doesn't that feel good, princess?"
I shrug. "I don't know."
He slaps my pussy. It's not a playful smack, but one that stings. He slaps it again, harder than before.
"You're dripping all over my hand," he says. "I know you're horny for it. Why did you lie to me?"
"Because it's not right," I say, shifting my hips against the hard erection that's digging into my back.
"There's no right or wrong when we play like this, princess," he says. "Your innocent eyes and bratty tits make me hard as fuck. And the only way I can feel relief is if I put my cock inside you. You might be a little too tight for me, but I'd be lying if I said I don't enjoy it."
He massages my tits and pussy, touching me like I'm something he owns.
"Don't even think about running now," he says. "You don't get out of this without taking me in the ass."
He pushes the tip of his cock against my wetness and then pushes into my ass, the one place he's never taken me before.
Alarmed, I try to turn around, but he pins me against the wall.
"What did I just tell you, princess?" he asks. "Stay still and let me do what I need to do."
As he starts pushing into me, I get up on my tiptoes. He wraps his arm around my waist and tugs me back against his hips.
"What's the problem, little girl?" he growls. "You didn't seem to mind shaking this ass all over my house. This is what happens to bratty girls who don't know when to quit. They get punished for it."
"Punished?" I ask.
He reaches for a jar of coconut oil next to the hair products. He takes some and rubs it over my back hole. I can't deny that his fingers feel so good touching me there.
"You can try to act offended, but I know you get off on it," he says. "You need a big hard cock in your ass. It's the only way you'll learn to behave."
He pushes his hard length inside me.
Before I can scream at the sheer size of him, he covers my mouth with his hand. He pushes even deeper into me, using my body like it's his property.
"This belongs to me now," he says. "You belong to me now."
He thrusts the remaining inches of his cock inside me. I'm entirely impaled on his shaft now, and it's so different from anything else we've ever done. This feels too intense.
"Does it hurt?" he asks me.
Tears prick my eyes. "You're all I can feel."
"Fuck, when you say things like that, it only makes me want to use you like a rag doll," he says. He rolls his hips inside me, making me get used to his size.
When his hand wraps around my hip and touches my clit, I nearly come right then.
The pain starts to ebb. I still feel like I'm going to die if I move, but I like having him inside me. It feels like he's owning me completely now.
"Deep breaths, princess," he says. "Relax against me. I got you."
He's got me.
I do what he tells me to. Because I know that no matter what, he's got me. There's no question about it.
"You good now, baby?" he asks.
I nod. He buries his face against my neck and starts to rock inside me. He starts with slow thrusts that grow more and more powerful.
"You're squeezing me so tight, baby girl," he says. "You feel so good around me."
And then he goes for broke, losing himself in me the way I've grown accustomed to. He wraps one of his arms around my breasts and the other around my hips.
"This is what you get for being such a dick tease," he growls. "You end up with a man willing to do anything to get his cock inside you. But you wanted that, didn't you, my pretty slut?"
The way he alternates between gentleness and crude words gives me whiplash.
"Open these thighs wider for me, little girl," he says. "Let me see how much you like having a big cock in your ass."
He knocks my knees wider apart and grips my hips as he thrusts inside me. Having him inside me like this feels so deliciously naughty.
"Such a good girl," he praises, bottoming out inside me. It's so rough that it makes me rise on my tiptoes. But he holds me down, making me take every inch of him.
"Dimitri, it's so big inside me," I say.
"Hush, baby. I'm almost done. Just hold still," he says.
Each thrust turns punishing. His grip on me turns almost hard enough to leave a bruise. He bottoms out with every thrust and plays with my clit as he fucks me hard.
"Do you want to come all over me like a dirty slut?" he asks.
I whimper in response.
"Don't be shy now," he says. "You're so fucking wet for it. I barely needed any lube to take what I wanted from you. Now be a good girl and come for me."
He pinches my nipple and bites down on my neck. It’s a sensory assault. It feels like a high I'll spend the rest of my life trying to attain.
I come undone for my man.
Every muscle in my body goes slack. He continues fucking me like he's running out of time. And with a groan that makes my toes curl, he empties inside me. He fucks his seed into me, drawing out my release.
I soar in the clouds for what feels like minutes.
My heart beats hard, but the rest of my body feels ready to go to sleep.
"That was..." He's at a loss for words.
"The best sex I ever had," I say, whimpering as he pulls out of me.
He turns me around and lifts me so my thighs are wrapped around him. He wraps his hand around my throat, making me look at him. Though it's a threatening gesture, it somehow makes me feel cherished.
"You're my miracle," he says, pushing the wet hair away from my face. "I love you, solnishko ."
I stare at his face.
I tried to run from this man before. I thought that if I ran fast enough, I would be able to shed these emotions that I feel for him. But I know now that there's no escaping a love like this.
"I love you too, Dimitri," I say.
He hoists me up until our faces are only inches apart. He looks into my eyes and then glances down at my lips. When he leans in to press his lips against mine, I lose my breath.
When he starts kissing me, he becomes the only oxygen I need.
He becomes my only source of sustenance.
I'm breathless by the time he pulls back.
"I feel guilty," he confesses.
"What for?"
"I should have been more gentle with you," he says.
"It was exactly what I needed," I tell him. "I loved it.”
He doesn't look convinced. But he sets me down and reaches for the shampoo.
"Turn around," he says.
I do as he instructs.
He starts massaging the shampoo into my scalp. I nearly groan at how good it feels. I feel weightless as he massages my head. He rinses off the shampoo and takes a little bit more. It lathers better this time and he works his fingertips over my temples and upper forehead too.
"This is the best thing anyone's ever done for me," I say.
"You'll never have to wash your own hair again if you don't want to," he says, rinsing the shampoo off and applying conditioner to my hair.
It's surprising how gentle he can be with his hands.
He moves on to my body. As I expected he would, he gets distracted again and wrings another orgasm out of me. When we finish showering, he wraps me in a towel and carries me to the bed like I'm a princess.
"If I hadn't spent the last two days sleeping, I would be in a coma by now," I say.
He stops walking. "Don't even joke about that."
“Right, sorry. I forgot about that,” I say.
He makes me sit on the edge of the bed. He moisturizes my skin and then dresses me with neat, precise movements. Nobody has ever made me feel this way. I don't know if he knows it, but he's giving me my lost childhood.
When he's done, he presses a kiss on my forehead.
And then he glances out at the beach. The sky is lighter now, flirting between night and dawn.
He takes a deep breath.
"There's something else I need to tell you, princess," he says.